The Unwritten Rules of Social Relationships

1. Autism Spectrum Disorders: A Unique Way of Thinking and Perceiving

"I think in pictures; at age fifty-eight my mind is like one giant computer that houses thousands of visual pictures, logically organized in a categorical structure that provides instant retrieval capabilities."

Visual thinking in ASD. Temple Grandin's description of her thought process highlights a key characteristic of many individuals with autism spectrum disorders (ASD): visual thinking. This unique cognitive style allows for detailed recall and categorization of information, but can also lead to challenges in abstract reasoning and social interpretation.

Literal interpretation and social challenges. People with ASD often struggle with:

• Understanding non-literal language (idioms, sarcasm)
• Interpreting social cues and body language
• Generalizing information across different contexts
• Processing multiple streams of sensory input simultaneously

These differences in perception and processing contribute to the social and communication difficulties often associated with ASD, but also can lead to unique strengths in areas requiring attention to detail, pattern recognition, and logical thinking.

2. The Four Cornerstones of Social Awareness in ASD

"Perspective-taking: the ability to 'put ourselves in another person's shoes'; to understand that other people can have various viewpoints, emotions, and responses from our own."

Building blocks of social understanding. The authors identify four key components essential for developing social awareness in individuals with ASD:

1. Perspective-taking: Understanding that others have different thoughts and feelings
2. Flexible thinking: Adapting to changing situations and considering alternatives
3. Positive self-esteem: Developing a "can-do" attitude through experiencing success
4. Motivation: Sustaining interest in exploring the world and working towards goals

Fostering social skills. Parents and educators can support the development of these cornerstones by:

• Providing structured opportunities for social interaction
• Explicitly teaching different perspectives and social rules
• Celebrating small successes to build confidence
• Using interests to motivate engagement with others and new experiences

Developing these foundational skills can significantly improve social functioning and quality of life for individuals with ASD.

3. Rules Are Not Absolute: Context Matters in Social Interactions

"Rules are relative and based on time, place and people."

Flexibility in social rules. One of the most challenging aspects of social interaction for individuals with ASD is understanding that rules can change based on context. This rigidity in thinking can lead to misunderstandings and social difficulties.

Teaching contextual understanding:

• Use visual aids to demonstrate how rules change in different settings
• Provide concrete examples of exceptions to rules
• Practice role-playing various social scenarios
• Encourage analysis of social situations in movies or books

Developing this flexibility in thinking is crucial for navigating the complexities of social relationships and adapting to different environments.

4. Prioritizing Information: Not Everything is Equally Important

"Not everything tips the scales evenly, and I needed to weigh things against each other in importance."

Hierarchical thinking. Many individuals with ASD struggle to prioritize information, often becoming overwhelmed by details they perceive as equally important. Learning to categorize and rank information is crucial for effective decision-making and social functioning.

Strategies for developing prioritization skills:

• Create visual hierarchies or ranking systems
• Use scales to rate the importance of different events or information
• Practice identifying "big picture" concepts vs. minor details
• Discuss real-life scenarios and their relative importance

Developing this skill can reduce anxiety and improve overall functioning in both personal and professional settings.

5. Embracing Mistakes as Learning Opportunities

"Everyone in the world makes mistakes; it doesn't have to ruin your day."

Reframing errors. Many individuals with ASD have perfectionistic tendencies and struggle with making mistakes. Learning to view errors as opportunities for growth rather than catastrophic failures is essential for building resilience and social confidence.

Fostering a growth mindset:

• Celebrate effort and progress, not just perfect outcomes
• Provide specific, constructive feedback on mistakes
• Share personal stories of overcoming failures
• Encourage problem-solving and trying new strategies

By creating a supportive environment that embraces mistakes, individuals with ASD can develop greater self-esteem and willingness to engage in social situations.

6. Balancing Honesty and Diplomacy in Social Communication

"Honesty is different than diplomacy."

Nuanced communication. While honesty is generally valued, social situations often require a balance between truthfulness and tact. This concept can be particularly challenging for individuals with ASD who tend to interpret language literally.

Teaching diplomatic communication:

• Explain the concept of "white lies" and their social function
• Practice rephrasing honest statements in more diplomatic ways
• Discuss scenarios where complete honesty might be hurtful
• Role-play giving constructive feedback

Learning to navigate this balance can greatly improve social relationships and professional interactions for individuals with ASD.

7. Politeness: A Universal Social Lubricant

"Being polite is appropriate in any situation."

Social etiquette as a foundation. Mastering basic politeness and social etiquette provides a crucial foundation for more complex social interactions. These skills can be taught through direct instruction and practice, even before deeper social understanding develops.

Key areas of politeness to focus on:

• Using "please," "thank you," and "excuse me"
• Respecting personal space
• Taking turns in conversation
• Appropriate greetings and farewells
• Table manners and public behavior

Consistently reinforcing these basic social norms can significantly improve social acceptance and create more opportunities for positive interactions.

8. Distinguishing True Friends from Casual Acquaintances

"Not everyone who is nice to me is my friend."

Navigating relationships. Understanding the different levels of social relationships is crucial for individuals with ASD to avoid potential exploitation and develop meaningful connections.

Teaching relationship discernment:

• Discuss characteristics of true friendship vs. casual acquaintances
• Create visual scales or charts of relationship levels
• Role-play scenarios involving different types of relationships
• Teach signs of manipulation or unhealthy relationships

Developing this understanding can protect individuals with ASD from social vulnerability and help them form more satisfying relationships.

9. Public vs. Private Behavior: Adapting to Social Settings

"People act differently in public than they do in private."

Social adaptability. Understanding that behavior should be modified based on social context is crucial for successful integration in various environments. This concept can be particularly challenging for individuals with ASD who may struggle with generalization.

Strategies for teaching contextual behavior:

• Create visual charts comparing appropriate public vs. private behaviors
• Practice role-playing different social scenarios
• Discuss examples from media or real-life observations
• Provide clear guidelines for behavior in specific settings (e.g., school, work)

Mastering this skill allows individuals with ASD to navigate different social environments more effectively and reduces the risk of unintentional social faux pas.

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Last updated: April 24, 2025