When Broken Glass Floats

1. Life Under the Khmer Rouge: A Swift and Brutal Transformation

Srok Khmer [Cambodia] has fallen into the hands of the Khmer Rouge. Our lives will not be the same.

Sudden collapse. The author's privileged childhood in Takeo and Phnom Penh was abruptly shattered by the spillover of the Vietnam War and the subsequent Khmer Rouge takeover in April 1975. What began with distant rumbling and a celestial omen quickly escalated into forced evacuation from cities, the destruction of homes, and the imposition of a terrifying new order. The once-familiar world vanished overnight, replaced by fear and uncertainty.

Year Zero. The Khmer Rouge aimed to create a utopian agrarian society by eradicating all remnants of the past, including urban life, education, and traditional culture. This radical social engineering, known as Year Zero, meant that city dwellers ("new people") were forcibly marched into the countryside to work alongside rural peasants ("old people"), often under brutal conditions. The author's family, like millions of others, became refugees in their own land.

Loss of normalcy. The simple act of putting up a white flag symbolized surrender not just to a military force, but to a complete inversion of societal norms. Curfews, surveillance planes, and the constant threat of violence became the new reality. The author, at age nine, witnessed the immediate and terrifying consequences of the regime's victory, including public displays of decapitated heads and the summary execution of perceived enemies.

2. The Regime's Assault on Family and Identity

Angka, the organization, suddenly became your mother, your father, your God.

Family as threat. The Khmer Rouge systematically dismantled traditional family structures, viewing strong familial bonds as a threat to their absolute authority. Children were separated from parents, spouses from each other, and loyalty to Angka was demanded above all else. The regime controlled every aspect of life, from who you could speak to to what words you could use.

Cultural eradication. Education, religion, and personal identity were targeted for destruction. Schools were closed or turned into prisons/hospitals, books were confiscated, and religious practices were forbidden. Even physical appearance was dictated, with women forced to cut their hair short and everyone required to wear drab black uniforms and tire sandals. The author's sister Chea's books and family documents became dangerous contraband.

Loss of language and respect. The regime imposed new, impersonal forms of address, replacing traditional terms like "mother" and "father" with "comrade." This deliberate erosion of language mirrored the breakdown of social courtesies and respect for elders, as young, uneducated cadres wielded absolute power over their former superiors or neighbors. The author's defiance in refusing to sit on the ground at a meeting symbolized a deeper resistance to this dehumanization.

3. Survival Defined by Pervasive Hunger and Forced Labor

There comes a time when a grain of rice sticks on a dog’s tail, and everyone will fight for it.

Chronic starvation. Food became the central obsession of daily life. Rations were meager, often reduced to thin rice gruel supplemented by whatever edible leaves, insects, or small animals could be scavenged. Malnutrition was rampant, leading to debilitating conditions like edema ("swollen body") and vitamin deficiencies ("blind chicken"). The author's mother's desperate begging for food highlighted the extreme degradation caused by hunger.

Brutal labor. City dwellers, unaccustomed to physical work, were forced into backbreaking labor in the fields, digging irrigation canals, planting rice, and clearing land with rudimentary tools like hoes and baskets. The work was relentless, from dawn until dusk, with no rest days. Children as young as eight were conscripted into mobile labor brigades, separated from their families and subjected to the same grueling tasks.

Dehumanizing conditions. The labor camps were characterized by filth, disease, and indifference to suffering. Makeshift hospitals offered no real medical care, and basic sanitation was nonexistent. The constant struggle for survival reduced people to scavenging for scraps, even fighting over burned rice crust or fish heads, illustrating the depths of desperation imposed by the regime.

4. Death as an Arbitrary and Constant Companion

When broken glass floats, a nation drowns, Descending to the abyss.

Pervasive mortality. Death was an ever-present reality, striking down family members and strangers alike through execution, starvation, and preventable diseases. The author lost her parents and three siblings to the regime's brutality and neglect. The arbitrary nature of survival meant that even small illnesses or minor infractions could be fatal in a world without medicine or mercy.

Brutal executions. The regime employed crude and dehumanizing methods of killing, often using hoes or spades to bludgeon victims to death. Executions were sometimes public, serving as terrifying warnings. The author witnessed the decapitated heads of alleged Khmer Rouge soldiers and the brutal killing of a pregnant woman and her partner for the "crime" of forbidden love.

Unmarked graves. Victims were often buried in mass graves, denied traditional mourning rites or even individual recognition. The author's father and uncles were forced to dig their own graves before being executed. The lack of proper burial and the sheer scale of death contributed to the profound sense of loss and the feeling that the spirits of the dead were restless and unhonored.

5. Glimmers of Humanity Amidst Dehumanization

I am always amazed that some bit of humanity outlived Angka and is more powerful than the wheel of history.

Acts of kindness. Despite the pervasive cruelty and distrust fostered by the regime, small acts of human kindness offered moments of solace and hope. The kind doctor at Phnom Srais who provided penicillin, Pok and Sun who risked their lives to give food, or the old woman who offered water to the author and Map on the road demonstrated that not everyone's heart had turned to stone.

Shared suffering and empathy. The shared experience of suffering created unexpected bonds between strangers. The author found companionship and mutual support with other children in the labor camps, like Cheng and Larg, who helped each other survive. Even among the "old people" who sometimes resented the "new people," there were instances of empathy and assistance.

Defiance through small acts. While open rebellion was suicidal, individuals found ways to resist the regime's control through small, private acts of defiance. Chea's secret English lessons, the author's refusal to sit on the ground, or Mak's lie about her health were subtle assertions of individual will against the crushing weight of Angka's power. These small acts affirmed their humanity in the face of dehumanization.

6. The Psychological Scars of Trauma Endure

My past has haunted me again. Memory has taken me back in my dreams, a hapless passenger, even though I’m no longer in Cambodia.

Haunting memories. The trauma of the Khmer Rouge regime left deep psychological wounds that continued to affect survivors long after the war ended. Memories of starvation, death, and violence resurfaced in nightmares and flashbacks, intruding upon the present and making it difficult to find peace. The author's work on a PTSD study highlighted the widespread impact of this trauma on Cambodian youth.

Numbness and dissociation. The overwhelming scale of suffering and death led to emotional numbness and a sense of unreality. Witnessing constant death, including that of loved ones, forced survivors to suppress their grief as a coping mechanism. The author's own inability to cry immediately after her sister Avy's death reflected this protective emotional shutdown.

Struggle for meaning. The senselessness of the violence and loss challenged survivors' understanding of the world and their place in it. The author grappled with questions of good and evil, justice, and the purpose of suffering. Finding meaning in their survival and using their experiences to help others became a way to process the trauma and prevent the pain from being in vain.

7. Adaptation and Resilience as Keys to Survival

One must adapt to one’s situation in order to survive.

Learning new skills. Survival required rapid adaptation and the acquisition of skills necessary for rural life and forced labor. The author learned to plant rice, scavenge for food, fish with makeshift nets, and even make fish hooks from shirt snaps. These practical skills, learned out of necessity, were crucial for navigating the harsh environment imposed by the regime.

Shedding old ways. The comforts and customs of city life became irrelevant or dangerous. The author and her siblings had to abandon their former routines, possessions, and even certain social norms to blend in and avoid suspicion. The ability to let go of the past, while painful, was essential for focusing on the immediate demands of survival.

Mental fortitude. Beyond physical adaptation, mental resilience was key. Maintaining a sense of hope, finding small moments of joy or connection, and holding onto the will to live in the face of despair were vital for enduring the psychological toll of the regime. The author's internal defiance and determination to be a "human recorder" were forms of mental resistance.

8. The Enduring Strength of Family Bonds

They may take our language from our family in public, but they can’t take away the family itself, the bond that binds us.

Family as refuge. Despite the regime's attempts to break family ties, the bonds of love and mutual support remained a vital source of strength and comfort. Siblings cared for each other, shared meager resources, and risked punishment to visit or help one another. The author's deep love for her mother and siblings fueled her determination to survive.

Shared responsibility. As parents were lost or incapacitated, older siblings stepped into caregiving roles, looking after younger brothers and sisters. Chea, Ra, and Ry all took on maternal responsibilities for Map and Avy. This shared burden of care reinforced their bonds and created a sense of collective survival.

Memory and connection. Even after death, the spirits of lost family members remained a source of comfort and guidance. The author prayed to her parents' spirits for protection and felt their presence in her life. The desire to honor their memory and fulfill promises made to them became a powerful motivation for survival and future aspirations.

9. Bearing Witness: Giving Voice to the Lost

I want to be worthy of the suffering that I endured as a child.

Moral obligation. Surviving the genocide created a profound sense of responsibility to remember and bear witness to the experiences of those who perished. The author felt compelled to tell her story and the stories of her family and fellow Cambodians to ensure that their suffering was not forgotten and that such atrocities would not be repeated.

Giving voice. The memoir and the author's work on the PTSD study were ways to give voice to the voiceless victims of the Khmer Rouge. By sharing her own memories and helping others articulate their trauma, she aimed to bring the hidden horrors of the regime into the light and demand recognition and justice for the dead.

Finding purpose in pain. Transforming personal suffering into a source of strength and purpose became a path to healing. The author's ambition to study medicine, initially a promise to her dying sister Chea, evolved into a broader desire to help others who have suffered trauma. This dedication to service gave meaning to her survival.

10. The Promise of a New Life Haunted by Memory

Looking back, I have crossed the river on my own, without my mother. I have started a new life in a new country.

Journey to freedom. The escape from Cambodia and the journey through refugee camps in Thailand and the Philippines represented a physical crossing into a new life. The author and her surviving siblings navigated the challenges of displacement, relying on each other and the kindness of strangers like Uncle Seng, who sponsored their move to America.

Adapting to a new world. Arriving in America presented a new set of challenges, including learning a new language and culture while grappling with the lingering effects of trauma. The author's academic ambition and determination to pursue medicine were powerful forces driving her adaptation and integration into American society.

Past and present intertwined. Despite building a new life, the past remained a constant presence, influencing the author's dreams, her work, and her understanding of the world. The landscapes of Oregon became intertwined with the memories of Cambodia, and the experiences of other refugees resonated deeply with her own. The memoir is an attempt to reconcile these two worlds and find peace by sharing her story.

Last updated: June 8, 2025