When Religion Hurts You

1. Religious Trauma is Embodied: It's More Than Just Beliefs

While the first four chapters of this book will focus on what trauma is and how it functions in and must be healed through the body, for now it is essential to recognize this: religious trauma is trauma.

Trauma is in the body. Religious trauma isn't just about disagreeing with doctrines; it's a physiological response to overwhelming experiences within a religious context. This means that healing requires addressing the body's stored trauma, not just changing one's beliefs.

Subjective experience. Trauma is subjective, perceptive, and embodied, meaning that what is traumatic for one person may not be for another, and the body may experience trauma as a result of either a real threat or a perceived one. This subjectivity is crucial in understanding religious trauma, as experiences within a religious system can be deeply harmful to some while being benign or even positive for others.

Beyond cognitive shifts. Healing from religious trauma requires more than just changing one's beliefs or understanding the harm intellectually. It involves addressing the physiological symptoms of trauma, such as hypervigilance, anxiety, and dissociation, through body-based therapies and practices.

2. Religious Abuse: Power and Control Under a Sacred Veil

Religious abuse is abuse administered under the guise of religion.

Improper use of religion. Religious abuse involves the misuse of religious beliefs, teachings, and relationships to harm or control others. This can include coercion, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, and economic exploitation, all justified by religious authority.

Power and control dynamics. Religious abuse often occurs within systems built on power and control, where leaders exert authority over followers through manipulation, threats, and the promise of spiritual rewards or punishments. This dynamic can strip individuals of their autonomy and ability to think for themselves.

Abuse cycle. Religious abuse often follows a cycle similar to domestic violence, including love-bombing, tension-building, explosion, and honeymoon phases. Understanding this cycle can help individuals recognize and escape abusive religious environments.

3. Adverse Religious Experiences (AREs): The Spectrum of Harm

Any experience of a religious belief, practice, or structure that undermines an individual’s sense of safety or autonomy and/or negatively impacts their physical, social, emotional, relational, or psychological well-being.

Beyond abuse. AREs encompass a wide range of harmful experiences within religious systems, even those that may not be considered outright abuse. These experiences can undermine an individual's sense of safety, autonomy, and well-being.

Examples of AREs:

• Fear of hell or eternal conscious torment
• Purity, virginity, and abstinence culture
• Altar calls, healings, and scary sermons
• Spanking and corporal punishment
• Patriarchy and oppression

Cumulative impact. The more AREs an individual experiences, the greater the likelihood of developing religious trauma and experiencing long-term mental and physical health problems. Recognizing and validating these experiences is crucial for healing.

4. The Nervous System's Response: Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn in Faith

If our nervous system is unable to find solace within our social environment, the SNS branch of the vagus nerve becomes activated and our body secretes various hormones, such as adrenaline and cortisol, to engage our fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.

Autonomic nervous system. The autonomic nervous system (ANS) regulates our body's response to stress and danger. In religious trauma, the ANS can become dysregulated, leading to chronic activation of the fight, flight, freeze, or fawn responses.

Neuroception. Neuroception is the subconscious process by which our nervous system evaluates risk. In religious trauma, neuroception can become skewed, leading to a constant sense of danger and hypervigilance.

Trauma responses. Understanding the fight, flight, freeze, and fawn responses can help individuals recognize how their bodies are reacting to triggers and develop strategies for regulating their nervous system. This is especially important for those who grew up in HCRs, where these responses may have been suppressed or punished.

5. Rebuilding Identity: From Religious Prescription to Authentic Self

As we begin to question and rebuild our worldview, we may feel shock, horror, disgust, fear, or confusion.

Shattered assumptions. Religious trauma can shatter an individual's core beliefs and assumptions about the world, leading to identity confusion and a sense of disorientation. Rebuilding a new identity involves deconstructing old beliefs and constructing a new framework based on personal values and experiences.

Cognitive deconstruction. Deconstruction is the process of examining and dismantling religious beliefs and practices that are no longer helpful or healthy. This can be a painful but necessary step in reclaiming one's autonomy and sense of self.

Embodied fundamentalism. Even after cognitively rejecting religious beliefs, individuals may still experience embodied fundamentalism, where old patterns of thinking and relating persist. Recognizing and addressing these patterns is crucial for creating a truly authentic identity.

6. Embodying Self-Compassion: Reclaiming the Body as a Safe Space

My body was told for so long how sinful and disgusting she was and how I needed to, essentially, kill her off that maybe she just began to believe it.

Negative body messages. HCRs often promote negative messages about the body, leading to shame, distrust, and disconnection. Reclaiming the body as a safe space involves challenging these messages and developing a new relationship based on self-compassion and acceptance.

Embodiment. Embodiment is the practice of living fully in one's body and connecting with its sensations and needs. This can involve practices such as mindfulness, yoga, and somatic therapy, which help individuals reconnect with their physical selves.

Self-compassion components:

• Self-kindness versus self-judgment
• Common humanity versus isolation
• Mindfulness versus over-identification

7. Establishing Internal Safety: Regulating the Nervous System After Trauma

The goal of healing from trauma is not that you will never be triggered.

Nervous system regulation. Religious trauma can dysregulate the nervous system, leading to chronic anxiety, hypervigilance, and difficulty feeling safe. Establishing internal safety involves learning to regulate the nervous system through practices such as grounding, mindfulness, and somatic experiencing.

Trauma triggers. Trauma triggers are experiences that remind the body of past trauma, leading to physiological and emotional reactions. Learning to recognize and manage triggers is an important part of healing.

Internal resources. Developing internal resources, such as a safe place or a comforting image, can help individuals regulate their nervous system and return to a sense of safety when triggered. These resources provide a sense of control and empowerment in the face of overwhelming emotions.

8. Boundaries: Building Self-Trust and Respect in Relationships

Boundaries, to me, were still the lists of dos and don’ts rather than a reflection of my values that came from within.

Rigid vs. flexible boundaries. HCRs often promote rigid boundaries based on external rules and expectations. Healing involves developing flexible boundaries based on self-trust, self-compassion, and an understanding of one's own needs and values.

Empowerment. Boundaries should be empowering, allowing individuals to feel safe and respected in their relationships. This involves being able to say no, assert one's needs, and protect oneself from harm.

Self-trust and self-compassion. Building healthy boundaries requires self-trust and self-compassion. When individuals trust themselves and value their own well-being, they are better able to set and maintain boundaries that protect their physical, emotional, and spiritual health.

9. Grieving: Acknowledging the Losses Incurred in High-Control Religion

I grieved for how I had believed that this spiritual authority was unequivocally right and how this experience had changed me on every level, including changing the course of my life.

Traumatic grief. Leaving an HCR often involves experiencing traumatic grief, which includes grieving the loss of one's childhood, education, sexuality, and worldview. This grief can be complex and overwhelming, requiring time and support to process.

Spiritual bypassing. HCRs often discourage grief and promote spiritual bypassing, which involves using religious beliefs to avoid difficult emotions. Healing requires allowing oneself to grieve fully and authentically, without judgment or pressure to move on.

Categories of grief:

• Childhood/adolescence
• Education
• Sexuality
• View of others and the world
• The good

10. Integrating Trauma: Living a Healing Life Beyond Religious Harm

I realized how brilliant my body and nervous system were and how fiercely they protected me.

CPTSD and long-term effects. Religious trauma can lead to CPTSD and other long-term mental and physical health problems. Integrating trauma involves learning to live with these effects and developing strategies for managing symptoms and thriving despite them.

Ongoing healing. Healing from religious trauma is not a one-time event but an ongoing process. It requires continuous self-reflection, self-compassion, and a willingness to adapt and grow.

The gift of a stabilized nervous system. By befriending your nervous system, finding a sense of internal safety and stability, and having greater internal capacity to deal with the ups and downs of life, you can live a more fulfilling and authentic life.

Last updated: April 12, 2025