Whole Again

1. Trauma Fractures Wholeness, Creating a Protective Self

Emotional abuse, rejection, and trauma fracture this union, because a false shame message gets stored in our body that disconnects us from the sense of being unconditionally loved.

Fractured unity. Emotional trauma shatters the natural unity of mind, body, and spirit, leading to the formation of a "protective self" to shield against further pain. This protective self, while initially helpful, ultimately blocks genuine connection and healing. The process unfolds in predictable steps:

• Initial joy and wholeness
• Experience of betrayal or trauma
• Formation of a false shame conclusion ("I am defective")
• Numbing of the pain
• Emergence of the protective self focused on control and avoidance

Symptom management vs. resolution. Many recovery approaches focus on managing symptoms rather than addressing the root cause of trauma. This is akin to bailing water from a leaky boat instead of fixing the hole. The core wound, often manifested as numbness or emptiness, remains unaddressed.

Patterns of suffering. Despite unique individual stories, patterns of suffering emerge among those who have experienced trauma. These patterns often involve a reliance on external measures of worth, such as accomplishments, relationships, or approval, to compensate for the internal void. The journey to wholeness involves recognizing these patterns and shifting the focus inward.

2. Mindfulness: The Key to Unlocking Dormant Feelings

The mind’s default protective reaction is to focus on the story.

Comfort with discomfort. Mindfulness is not about clearing your thoughts, but about non-judgmentally noticing what's going on. It's about getting comfortable with discomfort, allowing you to observe your thoughts and feelings without judgment or resistance. This practice is essential for breaking free from fear-based thinking and rigid analytical modes.

Awareness of default patterns. Mindfulness helps us become aware of our default thinking patterns, allowing us to recognize how we think. The goal is not to stop thoughts or feelings we don't like, but to allow them to be there without judging, changing, or avoiding them. This builds a friendly, curious relationship with the inner world.

Body over story. Shift away from the story and start focusing on the sensations in your body. The mind's default protective reaction is to focus on the story, but true healing lies in connecting with the physical sensations associated with emotions. This shift allows you to experience and process the feelings that have been numbed away.

3. Personal Responsibility: Owning Your Healing Journey

My feelings are my own responsibility. The feelings of others are their own responsibility.

Independent healing. We cannot control how others think, feel, or perceive us. We cannot spend our energy saving or fixing others. And likewise, we cannot expect others to save or fix us. We are the only ones capable of doing that for ourselves.

External vs. internal focus. Many individuals expect their external world to change, believing that happiness will follow. The codependent needs to rescue one more person, the perfectionist needs to accomplish one more thing, and so on. True healing requires shifting the focus from external measures of worth to internal ones.

Happiness from within. Personal responsibility asks that your personal happiness be based on you, and only you. It has nothing to do with how others have treated you, or how you have treated them. It is asking you to believe that the most important thing in the world, right now, is recovering your own ability to love.

4. Unconditional Love: The Foundation for Wholeness

The stories we tell ourselves matter.

Overcoming negativity bias. The mind has a scientifically proven negative bias, often activated after traumatic situations. This bias can lead to a constant stream of negative thoughts, which become our default reality. Happiness and freedom come from learning how to non-judgmentally notice these tricks of the mind.

Choosing positive stories. Choosing to follow negative thoughts of shame, paranoia, and fear is just as "real" or "fake" as choosing to follow thoughts of love, forgiveness, and freedom. The difference is, one set feels like garbage, whereas the other set feels very nice.

Restoring inner light. By un-identifying with the mind's negative bias and embracing thoughts of love, forgiveness, and freedom, we can restore our inner light. This leads to calmer sensations in the body, softer thoughts, and an increased ability to connect with others. The goal is to move from thinking love to feeling love.

5. Identifying Your Protective Self: Recognizing Patterns and Behaviors

Becoming aware of the protective self is the first step toward healing.

The protective self. When our true selves are rejected, betrayed, or abused by a trusted loved one, a protective self forms to keep us "safe" from feeling empty. This protective self sees itself as separate from others and seeks external validation for proof of its worthiness.

External measures of worth. The protective self relies on external measures of worth to stay alive, such as accomplishments, relationships, money, status, appearance, attention, or people-pleasing. These external pursuits provide temporary relief but ultimately fail to fill the internal void.

Breaking the cycle. The two clearest signs of the protective self are a focus on external things/people and a compulsion that you need to "do" something. To diminish the protective self, stop feeding it and instead feel what's there when you don't indulge it. Becoming aware of the protective self is the first step toward healing.

6. Deconstructing the Protective Self: Shifting from External to Internal

Any treatment to try to heal or transform a False Conclusion is a treatment, therapy or spiritual practice which is organized by the False Self based on believing the False Conclusion and, hence, can only yield a False Treatment, therapy or spiritual practice because the therapy or spiritual practice is being driven by believing in the earlier False Conclusions and premises.

From external to internal. The mind's default protective reaction is to focus on the story, but with mindfulness, we want to shift away from the story and start focusing on the sensations in our body. As we do this, we may try to create stories around the sensation, but again, just use your mindfulness to become aware of that storytelling, and begin making the slow move toward body awareness.

Declining external distractions. The protective self wants you to "do." In this book, I'm encouraging you to stop "doing" and instead sit with the deeply uncomfortable, frustrating sensations that arise when you don't take action. To notice when that urge kicks in. And when we notice it, all we need to do is kindly decline what it wants us to do.

The wound exposes itself. As the protective self dies, the underlying wound exposes itself, and it doesn’t feel good. Traditional self-help techniques don’t really work because our bodies have blocked us from feeling the parts of ourselves that actually need help. Feeling “good” is more about maintaining a high, not deeply feeling authentic joy.

7. Resolving the Core Wound: Embracing Vulnerability and Self-Forgiveness

There is a new feeling in my heart these days.

The core wound. The core wound is a seemingly unresolvable mess of guilt, shame, worthlessness, and rejection. It is the result of internalized false messages that we are not loved because we are personally defective and shameful.

Unconditional love. The key to resolving the core wound is to meet it with unconditional love. This involves acknowledging the wound, approaching it with kindness, and offering it the love and compassion it needs to heal.

From bad self to whole again. The process of resolving the core wound involves shifting from a belief in "bad self" to a recognition that we are all worthy and capable of love. This requires embracing vulnerability, practicing self-forgiveness, and letting go of the need to be perfect.

8. Boundaries: Protecting Your Heart with Self-Love

If you can’t handle me at my worst . . . I really commend and respect you for setting healthy boundaries for yourself.

Self-love and protection. Boundaries are a natural by-product of actually liking ourselves. When we care about this person inside of us, we want what's best for that person. So it starts to become much easier to stand up for yourself, say no, or discuss your needs.

Volatile protection. When the body is in charge of protection, things are pretty volatile and unpleasant. You'll be okay with unacceptable treatment for a long time, until one day your body says, "No more!" and then you lash out and people wonder what the heck is wrong with you.

Loving guardian. The goal was not to remove all protection. The goal was to transform resentment’s volatile protection into a loving guardian that actually cares for the heart.

Last updated: February 24, 2025