Zen and the Art of Falling in Love

1. Zen and Love: Embracing Life's Natural State

We are meant to live a life of love. When we're not in love, something's the matter.

Love is our natural state. Contrary to popular belief, real love never hurts or wounds. Only our confused expectations can undermine our lives and lead to negative consequences. Zen practice offers an entirely different way of looking at love and relationships. It teaches us how to make friends with every aspect of ourselves and others—nothing is rejected, nothing is left out.

Zen and love are incredibly compatible. The ancient practice of Zen is actually the practice of falling in love. When one focuses on and welcomes all that life brings, each day becomes a good day in which you are able to fall in love with all of life, to continually find wonder, kindness, friendship, and playfulness.

The book is divided into three parts:

• Part I, "Starting Out," emphasizes the initial steps in Zen practice
• Part II, "Zen in Action," describes how to transfer the focus and insight attained in meditation to everyday life
• Part III, "Advanced Training," takes us to the top of the mountain, developing the ability to deal with intense confrontation, decision, conflict, and the need for endurance through difficult times

2. Taking Off Your Shoes: Becoming Available for Love

Attentively, watch your step.

Becoming exposed is the first step. When we take off our shoes in Zen practice, we begin the process of letting go of our usual defenses and external signs of value. We find our true value and become exposed, leaving our constrictions behind. This process teaches us to do what is asked of us without hesitation and to realize that everything we do affects not only ourselves but others as well.

Planting new seeds for love. In Zen, we speak about cause and effect. Our lives, our karma, are seen as the ripening of a chain of seeds we have planted. When poisonous seeds are planted, a sickly tree grows. By taking our attention back to ourselves, to the way we treat the world and all our actions, we begin to take charge of the seeds we are planting now.

Developing patience is crucial for love. It takes time for a person to feel at home in a relationship and to reveal who she is. It takes patience to wait for another, to develop true caring and trust. When we judge a person quickly and discard him because he does not meet a preconceived notion, we are short-circuiting our own ability to find love.

3. Sitting on the Cushion: Meeting Yourself

Do not look at the faults of others. Look at your own deeds, done and undone.

Meeting yourself is essential for love. Zazen practice (Zen meditation) shows us how to regain our center. It vigorously pulls our mind and attention back from the endless phenomena that claim it moment by moment, and places it squarely in the center of ourselves. By paying attention to this very moment, to exactly what we are doing as we do it, we become part of the rest of the world.

The wild monkey mind hinders love. Our wild monkey mind loves to accompany us wherever we go. It is an endless accompaniment to our lives, we take it to every person and relationship we encounter. Then we wonder why we have trouble falling in love. Zazen practice stops this frantic activity, quiets our wild monkey mind.

Breaking karmic patterns opens the door to love. As an individual embarks upon Zen practice, her karma immediately begins to change. By meeting our repetitive patterns directly, their power over us diminishes. As we sit, settled and aware, we also begin to see that external validation is not so necessary. We can give compassion to ourselves.

4. Doing Nothing: Releasing Control in Relationships

If he comes we welcome, If he goes we do not pursue.

Releasing control invites love. In Zen practice, we learn not to deal with the branches of confusion that cause a person to reject love, but instead go to the root of the illness and pull out the sick tree itself. Once the root is gone, pain and confusion cannot sprout any longer. Now there is room for a new tree to grow, one that bears rich, delicious fruit.

Letting go of expectations. Usually, we move (and react) all the time. When something bothers us, we shift, change our position, do anything we can to fix it. In zazen, by not moving, we are surrendering control over the condition, allowing things to be as they are, to appear, develop, disappear, reappear in any way they may.

True action arises from stillness. In order to arrive at true action, we must first do nothing. This means we must stop doing what we used to do. We must cease our reflexive reactions. We must be willing to be very still and silent so our impulse to react has time to fade out. If we can do this in relationships, many small upsets dissolve naturally.

5. Kinhin: Taking New Steps in Love

Walk to the left, walk to the right, but above all, don't wobble.

Kinhin teaches balance in relationships. Kinhin (walking meditation) is not about walking around in a line. It teaches us to stay alert, focused, and mindful when we are in action, when we are confronted by stimuli, as when we are sitting in silence. It teaches us to take appropriate action, whether or not we want to, right now.

Timing is essential in love. We must have the presence of mind, balance, and intuitive connection to others to know what to do when. We must know instinctively what is needed and wanted, what the timing dictates—when to take a few steps closer, and when to back away. Without this inner knowingness, we either crowd others or leave them feeling empty and cold.

Moving beyond loneliness into aloneness. In order to overcome the pain of transience, we must learn the difference between loneliness and being alone. Unless we can be alone with ourselves, unless we can recognize and accompany ourselves, be at one with the changes life entails, no matter how many are with us, we will always remain lonely.

6. Cleaning House: Emptying Yourself for Love

Empty-handed he comes, empty-handed he goes.

Cleaning our lives out invites love. When we learn to clean our house and lives thoroughly, to remove clutter and let go of the past, space arises for our relationships to breathe freely and for love to appear. The more we learn to clean our spaces, remove that which is no longer needed, the sooner our hearts can become open to experiencing something new.

The childlike mind is essential for love. As we clean our spaces and also our hearts and minds, we become supple, light, and trusting, and a childlike quality develops within us. We are filled with freshness and wonder. Relationships become an adventure because we are not weighed down by residue from the past. We are ready for new encounters and to be truly available for love.

Purification leads to love. As we clean thoroughly, we learn how to put down what we are carrying. This is also called purification. Rather than reject difficult, painful situations, another way to look at them is that they have come to teach us many lessons. The way in which we receive these relationships and respond to them can cleanse us and set a new course of action.

7. Being the Doorman: Being There for Others

Give up, sirs, your proud airs, your many wishes, mannerisms and extravagant claims. They won't do you any good, sir. That's all I have to tell you.

Being present is the greatest gift. By standing there silently, in touch with her own breathing and serving others by simply being there, the doorman can demand nothing. The person entering does not have to please her, pay attention to her, or return her overly warm smiles and greeting. The person arriving is permitted to be there, simply as he is. This is the greatest gift the doorman can give a visitor.

Dissolving fear of abandonment. Many fear both abandoning others and being abandoned. Their entire relationships revolve around this fear. As one does the job of the doorman, this issue comes straight to the fore. What does it mean to really be there for another, or to keep another satisfied? Does it mean meeting all their desires and needs, pretending to be someone you're not?

Understanding loneliness. The only real loneliness comes from abandoning ourselves, from not being who we are. Then we turn to another to fill us. When we operate in this fashion, no matter how many people are in our world, we feel abandoned and alone.

8. Cooking: Nourishing Others and Oneself

To care for things makes the whole world come to life.

Feeding others, we are fed. Being the cook means learning how to appreciate the needs of others, and being willing to completely fill them, on time. Rather than compulsively focusing on our own hunger, we become naturally aware of the needs of others. As we do this, a strange thing happens: our own hunger completely fades away. Feeding others, we are fed ourselves.

The secrets of true cooking. Our misunderstanding of the true nature of nourishing others is what causes our dismay. For most, giving is a form of barter: you give to me and I'll give something back to you. We are giving with an ulterior motive, in order to get a return, please others, do what's right. This kind of counterfeit giving is often accompanied by bitterness and the feeling of being "drained."

Parental mind develops naturally. Parental mind is the state of mind that wants to care for and nourish others. It is the mind of the mother with a newborn child, a state of unconditional regard for the world we live in. It is not a mind that keeps accounts or continually needs to be filled up and attended to. Parental mind develops naturally as we sit in zazen.

9. Receiving the Stick: Dealing with Blows in Relationships

Do not avoid bitterness.

Love includes all experiences. The heart and fruit of all Zen practice is to return to your own root. Love can feel wonderful in the beginning when it is full of excitement and romance, but when two people have settled into their usual, daily routines, without constant change and distraction, that is the time they must understand the magic of plain life.

Choosing to let go. Anger, fear, jealousy, betrayal, suspiciousness, possessiveness, and loss are all part of the human spectrum. Though we experience them vividly in relationships, these unwanted companions accompany us wherever we go. They are part of our ongoing reactions to life. It is up to us to let them go.

Including the bitter and the sweet. The human condition is to be constantly subject to both the bitter and the sweet. However, when the sweet comes along, we want to hold on to it and ensure it will remain with us forever. When bitter times come, we want to push them away, numb ourselves, withdraw. From the Zen point of view, a bitter taste is bitter, a sweet taste is sweet. In the course of life, we must taste everything.

10. Developing Endurance: Navigating Intensive Training Periods

We cannot know if it is gold Until we see it through the fire.

Life itself is a sesshin. Sesshin is a period of intense training in Zen practice. Similarly, life goes on and on, one day following the next. No matter how we feel—how tired, confused, irritated, or upset—we do not get time out. Most are aware that their time will last only so long. Yet, in the midst of life and relationships, time can seem endless, repetitive, and even pointless.

Endurance is key to love. Beyond all else, one thing is needed to get through both sesshin and life successfully, and that is the ability to endure—to have persistence and determination. In order to do that, at some point we must see the larger picture, why we are here at all, what the purpose of sesshin is and what is the purpose of our life.

Becoming a good neighbor. Just as everyone wants a good relationship, everyone wants a good neighbor on either side of him during sesshin. Who sits next to you can make a huge difference. Although you do not look at or speak to your neighbor for the entire length of sesshin, by the end of the retreat you know all there is to know about the person and often feel as close to her as if you had known her your entire life.

11. Struggling with Your Koan: Working on Relationship Problems

Look for it in front of you And suddenly it's behind you.

Koans teach us to deal with insoluble problems. A koan is a seemingly insoluble problem or riddle that defies logical understanding. They cannot be penetrated by the rational mind, will not be answered by formulas or slogans. The more we try to think them through, the farther we are from the mark. Yet an answer must be brought to the master.

Taking the path of humility. In one sense, we are describing the path of humility. It requires the strength to let go of our need to control ourselves and our world and to recognize that indeed we are not the most powerful; there is something larger than us, and we must simply learn how to connect with this in order to find our true answers.

Discovering the right answer. When working on their koans, many individuals spend endless time trying to get the right answer so the Zen master will approve. Fortunately, however, in Zen practice, the more a student does this, the more the Zen master says no. Pleasing another, looking for validation, taking on another's reality is never the answer to the koan of life. It is never the way to live a life of love.

12. One Breath: Achieving Oneness in Love

Human happiness comes from perfect harmony with others.

One breath belongs to us all. In the zendo, each person sits beside the other and focuses upon his own breath. But whom does this breath belong to? The breath that one person breathes out, his neighbor breathes in. This breath is freely given and freely received. If for even one moment we didn't receive breath, or weren't willing to give it back, our life would be over.

Oneness includes togetherness and separation. Along with the deep bond of oneness between us, there is also the marvel of uniqueness, of many kinds of different flowers blooming in the garden. Both togetherness and separation are part of the experience of oneness. Both are necessary.

Living your own truth in love. Wanting space to grow in is not emotional claustrophobia. An individual who is emotionally healthy wants both closeness and separateness. She wants to be able to merge with another and also to stand apart. This is not a sign of fear of intimacy but a sign of health. To be able to love fully, we must be able to be fully ourselves.

Last updated: November 7, 2024