How to Choose a Partner

What's "How to Choose a Partner" about?

• Overview: "How to Choose a Partner" by Susan Quilliam is a guide to navigating the complexities of selecting a romantic partner. It explores the emotional, psychological, and practical aspects of partner choice.
• Self-Development Journey: The book emphasizes that choosing a partner is a self-development journey, encouraging readers to learn more about themselves and their desires in relationships.
• Historical Context: Quilliam provides a historical perspective on how partner choice has evolved, highlighting the shift from pragmatic to romantic considerations in modern times.
• Practical Advice: The book offers practical advice and exercises to help readers clarify their relationship goals and make informed decisions.

Why should I read "How to Choose a Partner"?

• Comprehensive Guide: The book offers a comprehensive exploration of the factors involved in choosing a partner, making it a valuable resource for anyone seeking a meaningful relationship.
• Self-Reflection: It encourages self-reflection and personal growth, helping readers understand their own needs and desires in a partner.
• Practical Tools: Quilliam provides practical tools and exercises to help readers navigate the complexities of modern relationships.
• Expert Insights: The author draws on psychology, philosophy, and cultural insights, offering a well-rounded perspective on partner choice.

What are the key takeaways of "How to Choose a Partner"?

• Growth and Self-Discovery: Partner choice is a journey of self-discovery and personal growth, requiring an understanding of one's own needs and desires.
• Historical Shift: There has been a historical shift from pragmatic to romantic considerations in partner choice, influenced by social and cultural changes.
• Emotional Responsiveness: Emotional responsiveness is crucial in a relationship, with partners needing to be attentive to each other's emotional needs.
• Practical Exercises: The book includes practical exercises to help readers clarify their relationship goals and make informed decisions.

What are the best quotes from "How to Choose a Partner" and what do they mean?

• "When you make a choice, you change the future." This quote emphasizes the impact of partner choice on one's life trajectory and the importance of making informed decisions.
• "Love is surely not a single act but an ongoing course of lessons." It highlights the continuous nature of learning and growth in a relationship.
• "Emotional responsiveness at its best." This phrase underscores the importance of being emotionally present and supportive in a partnership.
• "The best love is a three-part process." It suggests that love involves initial attraction, overcoming challenges, and achieving long-term commitment.

How does Susan Quilliam define "emotional responsiveness" in relationships?

• Definition: Emotional responsiveness involves being attentive to one's own emotions and those of a partner, providing support and understanding.
• Four Key Aspects: It includes noticing and soothing one's own emotions, responding to a partner's emotions, discussing emotional interactions, and maintaining engagement even when a partner is unresponsive.
• Importance: Emotional responsiveness is crucial for a healthy relationship, as it fosters connection and understanding between partners.
• Deal-Breaker: Quilliam suggests that a lack of emotional responsiveness can be a deal-breaker in relationships.

What is the "love funnel" concept in "How to Choose a Partner"?

• Metaphor: The "love funnel" is a metaphor for the process of narrowing down potential partners based on specific criteria.
• Elimination Process: It involves eliminating unsuitable partners through a series of filters, focusing on those who meet one's key criteria.
• Criteria: The criteria for the funnel include values, life goals, and personality traits, which help in identifying compatible partners.
• Purpose: The love funnel helps in making informed decisions by focusing on quality over quantity in partner choice.

How does "How to Choose a Partner" address the concept of "being in love"?

• Magical Feeling: Being in love is described as a magical, sparkly feeling that makes the world seem bright and full of possibilities.
• Evolutionary Purpose: The book explains that being in love originally served an evolutionary purpose, helping partners stay together during child-rearing years.
• Temporary State: Quilliam notes that being in love is a temporary state, often giving way to a more stable, long-term connection.
• Decision-Making: The book advises against making long-term decisions solely based on the initial rush of being in love, as it may not guarantee compatibility.

What does Susan Quilliam say about "attachment tendencies" in relationships?

• Four Tendencies: Quilliam discusses four attachment tendencies: secure, anxious, avoidant, and attacking, which influence how individuals relate in relationships.
• Origins: These tendencies originate from childhood experiences and affect adult relationships, especially under stress or insecurity.
• Impact on Relationships: Understanding one's own and a partner's attachment tendencies can help in navigating relationship dynamics and making informed choices.
• Compatibility: The book suggests that compatibility in attachment tendencies can lead to more stable and fulfilling relationships.

How does "How to Choose a Partner" suggest dealing with "not being chosen"?

• Emotional Impact: Not being chosen can feel like a physical attack or bereavement, and it's important to acknowledge the emotional impact.
• Moving On: The book advises allowing time for healing and seeking support to move through the pain of rejection.
• Avoiding Obsession: It warns against becoming fixated on unavailable partners, as this can lead to unhealthy dynamics and personal sacrifice.
• Authenticity: Quilliam emphasizes the importance of being authentic and recognizing when it's time to let go for one's own well-being.

What exercises does "How to Choose a Partner" include to help with partner choice?

• Self-Reflection: The book includes exercises for self-reflection, such as envisioning a "normal, happy day" with a partner to clarify relationship goals.
• Wish-List Creation: Readers are encouraged to create a wish-list of desired partner traits and deal-breakers to guide their search.
• Deathbed Questions: An exercise involving imagining one's deathbed reflections helps identify core values, goals, and personality traits important in a partner.
• Emotional Responsiveness: Exercises to identify and communicate emotional needs and responses are included to foster better understanding in relationships.

How does "How to Choose a Partner" address the role of "destiny" in relationships?

• Destiny vs. Growth: The book contrasts the idea of "destiny love," where partners feel fated to be together, with "growth love," which emphasizes effort and development over time.
• Destiny's Pitfalls: Belief in destiny can lead to unrealistic expectations and a lack of effort in maintaining the relationship.
• Growth Love Benefits: Growth love is seen as more sustainable, as it involves gradual involvement and a willingness to work through challenges.
• Balanced View: Quilliam suggests a balanced view, recognizing the allure of destiny while valuing the effort required for long-term success.

What does Susan Quilliam say about "focussing" in partner choice?

• Importance of Focus: Focusing on specific criteria helps in making informed decisions and avoiding the overwhelm of too many options.
• Elimination Strategy: The book advocates for an elimination strategy, where unsuitable partners are filtered out based on key criteria.
• Quality Over Quantity: Emphasizing quality over quantity in partner choice leads to more meaningful connections and better long-term outcomes.
• Specifying Needs: Quilliam encourages specifying needs and desires in a partner to guide the search and ensure compatibility.