12 Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD

1. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder of self-regulation, not just attention

ADHD is essentially a neurodevelopmental disorder of self-control and executive functioning.

Executive function deficits: ADHD impacts seven key executive functions: self-awareness, inhibition, working memory, emotional self-control, self-motivation, time management, and planning/problem-solving. These deficits manifest as difficulties in:

• Regulating behavior and emotions
• Sustaining attention and effort
• Managing time and organizing tasks
• Controlling impulses and delaying gratification

Understanding ADHD as a disorder of self-regulation rather than just attention helps parents and caregivers approach their child's challenges with more empathy and targeted support strategies.

2. Understand and accept your child's executive age, not just chronological age

Simply put, lower your expectations for your child's ability to regulate behavior and then think about what accommodations you could make so your child can succeed despite executive function deficits.

The 30% rule: Children with ADHD typically function at an executive age about 30% behind their chronological age. For example, a 10-year-old with ADHD may have the self-control of a 7-year-old. This understanding helps parents:

• Adjust expectations realistically
• Provide appropriate levels of support and supervision
• Avoid unnecessary conflicts stemming from unrealistic demands

Accepting this developmental delay fosters patience and allows parents to create environments where their child can succeed, building confidence and skills over time.

3. Be a compassionate shepherd, not an authoritarian engineer

You are the child's anchor, her rock, her guide, her therapist, teacher, protector, provider, and most of all, you are your child's shepherd.

Guiding principles for shepherding:

• Provide protection and safety
• Create supportive environments
• Make adjustments to accommodate limitations
• Promote strengths and interests
• Offer consistent routines and structure

Rather than trying to "fix" or control your child, focus on guiding them through challenges, celebrating their unique qualities, and fostering their development at an appropriate pace. This approach builds a strong, trusting relationship and helps your child develop self-esteem and resilience.

4. Prioritize essential tasks and let go of less important demands

Will complying with this request help build my child's development and functioning?

Strategies for prioritization:

• Identify truly important tasks that promote development
• Reduce the number of daily commands and requests
• Use the Eisenhower grid to categorize tasks:
  • Urgent and Important
  • Important but Not Urgent
  • Urgent but Not Important
  • Not Urgent and Not Important
• Focus energy on tasks in the first two categories

By streamlining expectations and focusing on what truly matters, parents can reduce conflict, stress, and feelings of failure for both themselves and their child. This approach creates more opportunities for positive interactions and skill-building.

5. Practice mindful parenting to enhance awareness and connection

Mindful parenting is about moment-to-moment, open-hearted and nonjudgmental attention. It's about seeing our children as they are, not as we want them to be.

Benefits of mindful parenting:

• Reduces parental stress and reactivity
• Improves parent-child communication
• Enhances empathy and understanding
• Increases positive interactions

Practical mindfulness techniques:

• Daily meditation practice
• Mindful attention during special playtimes
• Periodic "check-ins" throughout the day
• Using the S-T-O-P method (Stop, Take a breath, Observe, Proceed) when feeling overwhelmed

By cultivating mindfulness, parents can respond more effectively to their child's needs and create a more harmonious family environment.

6. Promote self-awareness and accountability through external aids

Because of their ADHD symptoms and the broader problems they have with self-regulation and executive functioning, children and teens with ADHD have lots of difficulties following through on instructions, chores, school assignments, and other requests.

Strategies to boost self-awareness and accountability:

• Use random "Stop, Look, and Listen" checks
• Implement picture cues or vibrating reminders
• Create a behavior report card for various settings
• Utilize self-evaluation techniques
• Establish clear household rules and consequences

By externalizing self-monitoring and providing frequent feedback, parents can help their child develop greater awareness of their behavior and its impact. This lays the groundwork for improved self-regulation and responsibility over time.

7. Use frequent, immediate rewards and less verbal instruction

Touch more, talk less.

Effective communication and motivation techniques:

• Go to the child and make physical contact
• Use brief, clear instructions
• Provide immediate feedback and rewards
• Implement token or point systems for consistent motivation
• Break tasks into smaller, rewarded segments

Children with ADHD respond better to tangible, immediate consequences than to verbal reasoning or delayed gratification. By shifting from lengthy explanations to concise instructions paired with frequent rewards, parents can significantly improve compliance and task completion.

8. Make time tangible and break tasks into manageable chunks

Children with ADHD are essentially blind to time.

Strategies to make time real:

• Use visual timers (e.g., Time Timer, sand timers)
• Create daily timelines or schedules with pictures
• Break long-term projects into daily tasks
• Use countdowns or time-remaining announcements

For waiting periods:

• Provide distracting activities
• Use visual aids to show passage of time
• Break waiting into smaller intervals with mini-rewards

By making time concrete and visible, parents can help their child better understand and manage time-related tasks and expectations, reducing frustration and improving time management skills.

9. Externalize working memory to support task completion

Transfer necessary information to a visible storage device outside your child's brain.

Methods to offload working memory:

• Create visual checklists for routines
• Use picture sequences for multi-step tasks
• Provide written rules for homework or chores
• Encourage self-talk during task completion
• Develop behavior contracts for older children

By making information visible and accessible, parents can compensate for their child's working memory deficits, allowing them to complete tasks more independently and successfully.

10. Create organized spaces tailored to your child's needs

Survey where your child is currently disorganized and where being disorganized is having an adverse effect on his home, work, school, and/or social life.

Organization strategies:

• Designate specific areas for different activities
• Use labeled containers and storage systems
• Create visual reminders and checklists
• Implement regular clean-up routines
• Provide frequent supervision and redirection

Tailor organization systems to your child's specific needs and preferences. Remember that maintaining organization requires ongoing support and reinforcement. Celebrate small victories and adjust systems as needed.

11. Make problem-solving concrete and physical

If your child is about 30% behind in the development of executive functioning, as I've said earlier, he's likely to still be trying to solve problems with his hands and not in his head.

Techniques for concrete problem-solving:

• Use physical objects to represent problem elements
• Create visual aids (e.g., number lines, matrices)
• Encourage verbalization of thought processes
• Break problems into smaller, tangible steps
• Utilize role-playing for social problem-solving

By making problem-solving physical and concrete, parents can help their child develop critical thinking skills and confidence in their ability to overcome challenges.

12. Plan proactively for challenging situations to prevent meltdowns

To be proactive is to think ahead, plan for a problem situation, and implement your plan ahead of that situation in hopes that it will reduce or eliminate the problem.

Proactive planning strategies:

1. Identify potential problem situations
2. Develop transition plans with clear rules and rewards
3. Prepare distractions or activities to manage waiting times
4. Modify environments to reduce triggers
5. Teach and practice coping strategies in advance

Emotional regulation techniques:

• Choose or modify situations to avoid triggers
• Redirect attention when triggers are present
• Help reframe thinking about challenging events
• Use positive reinforcement for emotional control

By anticipating challenges and planning ahead, parents can significantly reduce the frequency and intensity of behavioral issues and emotional outbursts, creating a more positive experience for the whole family.

Last updated: March 21, 2025