Approval Addiction

1. Understanding Approval Addiction: A Deep-Rooted Insecurity

Those who have been hurt badly through abuse or severe rejection, as I have, often seek the approval of others to try to overcome their feelings of rejection and low self-esteem.

The Insecurity Epidemic. Our society faces a widespread epidemic of insecurity, leading many to feel inadequate and unhappy. This deep-seated self-doubt often stems from past hurts, such as abuse or rejection, which leave individuals with low self-esteem and a constant craving for external validation. This need for approval becomes an addiction, a compulsive behavior used to alleviate emotional pain and pressure.

The Nature of Addiction. An addiction is anything that controls a person, something they feel they cannot live without or use to escape discomfort. Like drug or alcohol addiction, approval addiction manifests as an abnormal concern for what others think, driving individuals to compromise their conscience to gain acceptance. They become miserable if anyone disapproves, anxious until they feel accepted again, and may do almost anything to regain perceived lost approval.

A Path to Freedom. The good news is that this pervasive insecurity and approval addiction are not permanent conditions. The author, having experienced this firsthand, emphasizes that there is a cure found through Jesus Christ. This spiritual foundation offers a pathway to security, allowing individuals to be their authentic selves and fulfill their God-given potential, free from the torment of needing constant external validation.

2. Finding Security in Christ, Not Human Approval

The foundation for security is knowing who we are in Christ, accepting God's unconditional love, and accepting ourselves even though we realize we have weaknesses and are not perfect.

True Security's Source. Everyone desires a sense of security, which enables healthy thinking and living, fostering feelings of safety, acceptance, and self-approval. This genuine confidence allows individuals to reach their potential without needing constant external validation. The author, despite a background of abuse, discovered that true security isn't found in human opinion or performance, but in understanding one's identity in Christ.

God's Unconditional Love. God's will is for each person to be secure, as a lack of self-confidence torments and hinders blessings. This security is rooted in God's unconditional love, which is not based on human performance or perfection. He chose us before the world's foundation, seeing us through the righteousness of His Son, Jesus, rather than focusing on our flaws or past mistakes.

Freedom from Performance. When we grasp that our acceptance comes from faith in Jesus, not our achievements, we are liberated from the pressure of performance. We are called "believers," not "achievers," signifying that our worth is in what God has done for us, not what we do for Him. This truth allows us to enjoy our relationship with God, free from the fear of failure and the desperate need for approval.

3. Embracing Your Righteousness and Self-Acceptance

We need a "righteousness consciousness," not a "sin consciousness."

Conforming to Truth. When we accept by faith that we are the righteousness of God in Christ, we begin to align our thoughts, words, and actions with this truth. This process lifts the burden of insecurity, freeing us from being controlled by others' opinions. It's a continuous journey where the Holy Spirit helps us become who the Father intends us to be.

Speaking and Acting Right. Our beliefs about ourselves profoundly influence our behavior. If we believe we are "all wrong," we will continue to produce wrong actions. Conversely, believing in our God-given righteousness empowers us to act rightly. This involves:

• Thinking right: Believing in our righteousness as a free gift from God.
• Talking right: Speaking victoriously about ourselves, aligning our words with God's Word.
• Acting right: Manifesting right behavior, demonstrating the transformative power of a relationship with Jesus.

Beyond Doctrine to Liberty. Many religious teachings focus on rules and doctrines, but often miss the practical application of living in victory. It is God's will to see ourselves in Christ, not as perpetually miserable sinners. Our fellowship should be with God, not with our sins. This understanding allows us to move past guilt and comparison, embracing our unique identity and purpose in God's kingdom.

4. Confronting Emotional Pain: Forgiveness and Discipline

Although it appears that the elderly woman who had endured such a painful loss was doing Mr. Van der Broek a huge favor-and indeed she was--she actually was doing more for herself than for him.

Healing Emotional Wounds. Life inevitably brings emotional pain from abuse, rejection, betrayal, and criticism. Unlike physical pain, emotional wounds are often hidden and can be more devastating. Jesus came to heal these broken hearts, offering beauty for ashes and joy for mourning. Recognizing and addressing these wounds is the first step toward freedom from approval addiction.

The Power of Forgiveness. To break free, we must make the difficult choice to forgive those who have hurt us, even when it feels unfair. Holding onto bitterness and anger only prolongs our own suffering, keeping us in bondage. Forgiveness, though painful and requiring discipline, is an act of strength that frees us from the past and allows God's justice to work on our behalf. As Mahatma Gandhi noted, "The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong."

Discipline for Freedom. Doing what is right, especially when our feelings resist, builds character and yields peace. This discipline is crucial for overcoming emotional pain. We must press past the discomfort of anger and unforgiveness, choosing to:

• Forgive those who hurt us.
• Pray for them.
• Bless our enemies by speaking well of them and desiring good for them.
• Wait patiently for God to change our feelings and bring His reward.
  This process, though challenging, leads to lasting victory and prevents us from being consumed by past hurts.

5. Breaking the People-Pleaser Cycle: Motives and Boundaries

Pleasing people is good, but it is not good to become people-pleasers.

The People-Pleaser's Dilemma. While it is natural and even godly to desire to please others and accommodate them, an out-of-balance need for approval can turn this into a destructive "people-pleaser" attitude. Such individuals compromise their conscience, allowing themselves to be controlled and manipulated by others out of fear of rejection, judgment, or disapproval. Their actions are driven by fear, not by pure motives or the leading of the Holy Spirit.

Checking Your Motives. God is concerned with the "why" behind our actions, not just the "what." Doing good deeds to gain recognition or avoid displeasure, rather than out of love or obedience to God, results in a loss of reward and inner peace. It is crucial to regularly examine our motives and ensure they align with God's will, even if it means saying "no" and risking others' displeasure.

Establishing Healthy Boundaries. People-pleasers often neglect their own legitimate needs, pushing themselves beyond reasonable limits and leading to burnout, resentment, and physical ailments. It is essential to:

• Set clear limits and boundaries in relationships.
• Learn to say "no" without guilt or excessive explanation.
• Delegate tasks and ask for help when needed.
• Prioritize God's will, family, and personal well-being over the demands of others.
  This empowers us to live a balanced life, free from manipulation, and allows God to work through us effectively.

6. Overcoming Fear and Rejection: Building a Solid Foundation

If we try to build our lives on what people say and think of us--how they treat us, how we feel, or our past mistakes--we are building on sinking sand.

The Impact of Rejection. Rejection is one of Satan's primary tools, causing deep pain and often leading to fear, insecurity, and a lack of boldness. When our lives are rooted in past rejection, it's like building a house on a cracked foundation, making us vulnerable to every storm. This can manifest as:

• Insecurity: Feeling uncertain, lacking confidence, and constantly vulnerable.
• Rebellion: Anger and inner rage manifesting as defiance.
• Poverty mindset: Believing one is unworthy of good things.
• Escapism: Living in a pretend world to avoid reality.
• Workaholism: Driven by a need to prove worth through accomplishments.

Building on Solid Rock. True security comes from being rooted in Christ and His unconditional love, not in the shifting sands of human opinion or past experiences. Jesus Himself was rejected, yet He fulfilled His purpose. He instructs us to "shake off" rejection, not letting it hinder our calling. When people reject us, they are ultimately rejecting Him.

Healing the Roots. Our "bad fruit" (unacceptable behaviors) often stems from "rotten roots" (past hurts and false beliefs). The Holy Spirit guides us to confront these roots, uprooting us from the soil of rejection and replanting us in God's love and truth. This process allows us to develop a "new root system" that produces good fruit, leading to freedom from judgment, condemnation, and the constant fear of being unwanted.

7. Releasing Control and Empowering Others

It is offensive to God when we let other people control us.

God's Desire for Freedom. God sent Jesus to purchase our freedom, and He desires that we be controlled only by His Holy Spirit, not by other people. Approval addicts often fall prey to "users" who manipulate them for personal gain. This dynamic creates a cycle where the controlled person enables the controller, perpetuating dysfunction.

Confronting Control. Breaking free requires recognizing controlling behaviors and taking decisive action. This "tough love" approach, modeled by Jesus, involves:

• Recognizing: Acknowledging that you are being controlled, not just "keeping the peace."
• Acting: Choosing to change the dynamic, even if it's uncomfortable.
• Understanding: Identifying the specific tactics used (fear, guilt, anger, silence).
• Confronting: Directly addressing the controller, stating your boundaries and intentions.
• Praying: Seeking God's courage and wisdom for both yourself and the controller.

Balance in Authority. While submission to godly authority is important, it does not mean enduring abuse or allowing others to dictate every aspect of your life. Whether in work, church, home, or marriage, there must be a balance of give and take. Controllers, often driven by their own insecurities or learned behaviors, must admit their tendencies and allow others the freedom to make their own choices, fostering mutual respect and healthy relationships.

8. Transforming Your Pain into Purpose and Blessing

No matter what happens in our life, if we will keep praying and trusting God, keep loving Him and walking in His will to the best of our ability, He will cause everything to work out for good.

Pain's Potential. Life's inevitable pains—abuse, rejection, loss—do not have to be wasted. Just as Jesus' suffering became our salvation, our pain can be transformed into purpose and a blessing for others. God, being a God of purpose, can take even the most difficult and painful experiences and work them out for our good and His glory, often in ways beyond our comprehension.

Hurt, Healed, and Helping. Biblical figures like Joseph, Esther, and Ruth, despite immense suffering, allowed God to heal them and used their experiences to help others. Our past struggles, no matter how painful, become valuable "experience" that qualifies us to minister to those facing similar battles. God seeks "experienced help" in His kingdom, turning our "mess" into our "ministry."

Overcoming Evil with Good. One of the most powerful yet often overlooked principles is to "overcome evil with good" (Romans 12:21). Instead of dwelling on our pain or seeking revenge, we actively choose to be good to others, including our enemies. This not only defeats Satan's plans but also releases joy and healing in our own lives. By focusing on blessing others and giving away what we desire (approval, compliments), we align with God's nature and experience His transformative power.

Last updated: August 20, 2025