Ask for More

1. Ask Open Questions to Uncover Hidden Value in Negotiations

"Tell me" is the most open question you can ask on any topic.

Cast a wide net. Open questions like "Tell me..." allow you to gather a wealth of information and establish a positive relationship with the person across the table. This approach helps you:

• Uncover the other party's true motivations and needs
• Gain a broader perspective on the situation
• Encourage the other person to share more openly

By asking open questions, you create an environment of trust and collaboration, setting the stage for more productive negotiations. Remember to follow up with "Tell me more..." to delve deeper into specific topics of interest.

2. Look in the Mirror: Understand Yourself Before Negotiating

Needs motivate everything we do. They are our driving forces, the why behind all human behavior.

Self-awareness is crucial. Before entering any negotiation, take time to reflect on your own motivations, needs, and emotions. This introspection helps you:

• Identify your true priorities and non-negotiables
• Recognize potential biases or emotional triggers
• Develop a clearer sense of your goals and aspirations

Use the "Mirror" questions to gain insight into yourself:

• What's the problem I want to solve?
• What do I need?
• What do I feel?
• How have I handled this successfully in the past?
• What's the first step?

By understanding yourself better, you'll be better equipped to navigate complex negotiations and advocate for your interests effectively.

3. Define Your Problem and Needs Clearly

Getting underneath someone's demands to figure out the needs driving them can help transform someone's ideas about a conflict and what to do with it.

Clarity is power. Clearly defining your problem and needs is essential for successful negotiations. This process involves:

• Identifying the core issue at hand
• Distinguishing between tangible and intangible needs
• Prioritizing your needs based on their importance

When defining your needs, consider both concrete outcomes (e.g., a specific salary increase) and abstract concepts (e.g., recognition, autonomy). Ask yourself, "What would that look like?" to make intangible needs more concrete and actionable.

By clearly articulating your problem and needs, you create a solid foundation for finding mutually beneficial solutions in negotiations.

4. Acknowledge and Harness Your Emotions in Negotiations

Feelings are facts.

Emotions matter. Recognizing and managing your emotions is crucial for effective negotiations. Instead of suppressing feelings, use them as valuable data:

• Identify your emotional state before and during negotiations
• Understand how emotions influence your decision-making
• Use emotional intelligence to build rapport with the other party

Be especially aware of the "Big Two" hidden emotions: guilt and fear. These often underlie surface-level emotions and can significantly impact negotiations if left unaddressed.

By acknowledging and harnessing your emotions, you can navigate negotiations more skillfully and create more authentic connections with your counterparts.

5. Learn from Past Successes to Build Confidence

Memory influences how we make decisions; it affects how we feel about the path ahead of us.

Build on your strengths. Reflecting on past successes can boost your confidence and provide valuable insights for current negotiations. To leverage your past experiences:

• Identify specific situations where you've successfully handled similar challenges
• Analyze the strategies and skills that contributed to your success
• Apply those lessons to your current negotiation

If you can't recall a directly relevant success, look for transferable skills or experiences from other areas of your life. This practice not only builds confidence but also helps you develop a repertoire of effective negotiation strategies.

6. Take the First Step: Focus on Actionable Solutions

One step at a time builds momentum.

Start small, think big. When faced with complex negotiations or seemingly insurmountable challenges, focus on taking the first step. This approach helps you:

• Break down large problems into manageable pieces
• Build momentum and confidence through small wins
• Create a clear path forward

When identifying the first step:

• Make it specific and actionable
• Ensure it aligns with your overall goals
• Choose something that can be accomplished relatively quickly

By focusing on concrete, achievable actions, you can overcome inertia and make progress even in challenging negotiations.

7. Open a Window: Understand the Other Party's Perspective

When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

Empathy is key. To negotiate effectively, you must understand the other party's perspective. Use the "Window" questions to gain insight:

• Tell me...
• What do you need?
• What are your concerns?
• How have you handled this successfully in the past?
• What's the first step?

Active listening techniques:

• Give your full attention
• Avoid interrupting or jumping to conclusions
• Summarize and reflect back what you've heard

By truly understanding the other party's viewpoint, you can identify areas of common ground and develop solutions that address both parties' needs.

8. Address Concerns and Needs to Build Trust

Asking about someone's concerns is a great way of getting at their needs.

Create psychological safety. Addressing the other party's concerns and needs is crucial for building trust and finding mutually beneficial solutions. To do this effectively:

• Ask open-ended questions about their concerns
• Listen actively and empathetically
• Validate their feelings and experiences

Remember that concerns often stem from unmet needs. By identifying and addressing these underlying needs, you can often resolve surface-level conflicts more effectively.

Demonstrating that you understand and care about the other party's concerns creates a foundation of trust, making it easier to find creative solutions and reach agreements.

9. Leverage Past Successes of Others for Inspiration

Recalling a prior success acts as a power prime.

Learn from others' experiences. Asking about the other party's past successes can provide valuable insights and inspiration for your current negotiation. This approach:

• Helps the other party feel valued and respected
• Provides concrete examples of effective strategies
• Creates a positive, solution-focused mindset

When discussing past successes:

• Ask for specific details about what worked well
• Explore how those strategies might apply to the current situation
• Use the information to brainstorm creative solutions

By leveraging the collective wisdom of both parties, you increase the likelihood of finding innovative and mutually beneficial outcomes.

10. Collaborate on Next Steps for Mutual Gain

Asking people for their ideas in negotiation usually costs you nothing, and can benefit you greatly.

Co-create solutions. Involving the other party in developing next steps fosters a sense of ownership and commitment to the negotiated outcome. To collaborate effectively:

• Ask for their ideas on potential solutions
• Build on each other's suggestions
• Focus on finding win-win outcomes

Benefits of collaboration:

• Increases buy-in from all parties
• Generates more creative and diverse ideas
• Strengthens relationships for future negotiations

By approaching negotiations as a collaborative problem-solving exercise, you can create more sustainable agreements and build stronger long-term relationships with your negotiation partners.

Last updated: August 19, 2024