Born for Love

1. We are born for love, but empathy must be nurtured through early relationships.

We are all born for love. It is the principle of existence, and its only end.

Innate potential. Humans possess an inherent capacity for empathy, a biological predisposition for connection and caring. This is evident from birth, with behaviors like mirroring facial expressions and emotional contagion (e.g., babies crying when others cry). However, this potential is not a guarantee; it requires specific experiences to flourish.

Relational foundation. Empathy develops within the context of early relationships, primarily with consistent caregivers. The initial bond between infant and parent, characterized by reciprocal interactions and mirroring, forms the template for future social connections. This early "dance" is crucial for shaping the brain's relational capabilities.

Empathy vs. Sympathy. While often confused, empathy involves truly feeling with another person, stepping into their shoes and experiencing their emotions. Sympathy is feeling for someone, recognizing their plight without necessarily sharing the feeling. Empathy's roots lie in our biological drive to connect and care for our kin, but it expands through experience.

2. Consistent, responsive care wires the brain's stress and social systems.

These crucial associations between positive human interactions, reward systems, and the stress response networks are the neurobiological glue for all future healthy relationships.

Stress regulation. The infant brain is highly malleable and relies on caregivers to regulate its stress response system. Through repeated experiences of distress (hunger, cold, fear) followed by soothing comfort from a consistent caregiver, the baby learns that the world is safe and that people can be relied upon. This builds the capacity for self-regulation.

Neurochemical bonds. This process involves key neurotransmitters like dopamine (desire/wanting), endogenous opioids (pleasure/calm), and oxytocin (bonding/trust). Positive interactions with a specific caregiver trigger these chemicals, linking that person's unique cues (smell, touch, voice, face) with safety and pleasure.

• Dopamine drives the infant to seek the caregiver.
• Opioids provide comfort and relaxation in their presence.
• Oxytocin specifically links these feelings to that particular individual.

Patterned experience. The rhythm of interaction – brief moments of stress followed by relief – is essential. Small, manageable doses of stress, consistently soothed, strengthen the stress response system, building resilience. The face, especially eye contact and smiles, is a critical source of information in this process.

3. Early neglect and inconsistent attachment severely damage empathy and self-regulation.

Lack of individualized care wasn’t just unhealthy, he’d discovered; it was frequently fatal, killing more than one in three infants subjected to it.

Devastating impact. When children experience severe neglect or inconsistent care, the crucial early bonding process is disrupted. Without repeated, predictable interactions with a consistent caregiver, the brain's stress response system fails to develop healthy self-regulation, and the capacity for forming secure attachments is impaired.

Orphanage effects. Studies like René Spitz's work and the Romanian orphanage study show that even in clean, physically adequate institutions, lack of individualized attention leads to:

• Failure to thrive (stunted physical growth)
• Cognitive delays (lower IQ)
• Emotional disturbances (difficulty with attachment, increased anxiety/depression)
• Higher mortality rates

Inconsistent care. Like Ryan's experience with eighteen nannies, repeated partial bonding followed by loss is profoundly damaging. The brain learns that attachment leads to pain and abandonment, causing it to shut down the relational systems. This can lead to a reduced capacity to find pleasure in human connection and an increased risk for antisocial behavior or addiction.

4. Trauma and sensory overload can overwhelm or mask empathetic capacity.

If anything, I struggle with having too much empathy… The problem is that it all comes in faster than I can process it.

Intense world. For some individuals, particularly those on the autism spectrum or with severe trauma histories, the world can be intensely overwhelming due to sensory sensitivities or heightened fear responses. This constant state of overload can make typical social interaction and emotional processing extremely difficult.

Apparent deficits. While often described as lacking empathy, some autistic individuals may experience too much emotional empathy, feeling the pain of others so intensely that it causes distress and withdrawal. Difficulties often lie in the cognitive aspect of empathy (theory of mind/perspective taking) or in managing the overwhelming sensory and emotional input.

• Sensory overload makes social cues hard to filter.
• Difficulty with perspective taking leads to misinterpreting others' intentions.
• Withdrawal or repetitive behaviors can be coping mechanisms for stress.

Trauma responses. Children exposed to chronic, unpredictable stress may develop hypervigilance or dissociative states. These adaptations, while protective in dangerous environments, interfere with calm, regulated states necessary for learning and social connection, sometimes mimicking autistic traits.

5. Lack of trust and learned deception erode genuine empathy and social connection.

He had learned that every time he got attached to someone, she would soon leave. The lesson was that there is no real safety or comfort in people.

Deception as adaptation. In environments where trust is absent and survival depends on manipulation or hiding the truth, children may become adept at lying and deception. This requires a sophisticated understanding of others' minds (theory of mind), but it is used for exploitation rather than connection. Danny's story illustrates this pathological development.

Erosion of caring. When relationships are primarily transactional and based on power or deceit, the emotional core of empathy withers. People become objects to be used, rather than individuals whose feelings matter. This is exacerbated by inconsistent discipline and a lack of emphasis on honesty or consideration for others' feelings.

Physiological markers. Children raised in such environments may exhibit physiological differences, such as lower resting heart rates and reduced stress hormone responses, which can be linked to decreased fear and a reduced capacity to feel or respond to the distress of others. This makes them less deterred by punishment and less motivated by social approval.

6. Sociopathy represents a profound deficit in emotional empathy, often rooted in early relational disruption.

He certainly had sociopathic features: that much was clear to Bruce simply from hearing that comment about his victim and knowing the details of the crime.

Absence of conscience. Sociopathy (or psychopathy) is characterized by a complete lack of emotional empathy and conscience, distinct from the perspective-taking difficulties seen in autism. Individuals like Ryan can understand what others are feeling but do not care or feel distress in response to their pain.

Disrupted attachment. While not always from overt abuse, sociopathic traits are often linked to severe disruptions in early attachment, such as Ryan's experience with multiple caregivers. This prevents the healthy wiring of the brain's reward systems to human connection, making relationships less pleasurable and meaningful.

Instrumental view. Without the emotional drive to connect or care, interactions become purely instrumental. People are seen as objects to be manipulated for personal gain. This is often combined with high intelligence and perspective-taking skills, making such individuals particularly dangerous as they can predict and exploit others' vulnerabilities without remorse.

7. Resilience demonstrates that empathy can develop and find support despite severe adversity.

I’m not a statistic,” Trinity told her teacher—and, more important, herself.

Overcoming odds. Trinity's story illustrates that even in the face of extreme trauma, abuse, and neglect, the capacity for empathy and healthy connection can develop. While early adversity increases risk, it does not predetermine destiny.

Protective factors. Resilience is often linked to a combination of factors:

• Innate sensitivity and intelligence (allowing for insight and alternative coping)
• Finding supportive relationships outside the immediate dysfunctional family (teachers, neighbors, friends)
• A sense of responsibility for others (like Trinity caring for her sisters)
• Access to activities that help regulate stress (like Ray's drumming and music)

Posttraumatic growth. For some, experiencing pain and suffering can paradoxically deepen empathy, fostering a desire to protect others from similar experiences. This "posttraumatic growth" is distinct from dysfunction and highlights the complex ways individuals respond to adversity.

8. Group identity powerfully shapes empathy, fostering "us versus them" dynamics.

And so, our empathy toward “people like us” probably developed at least in part because it allowed us to conquer “people like them.”

In-group bias. Humans evolved in small groups, and our brains are wired to distinguish "us" from "them." Empathy comes more naturally towards those perceived as part of our group, while it can be significantly reduced or shut down towards outsiders. This bias is visible even in brain activity when observing others' pain.

Conformity and exclusion. The desire to belong to a group, especially strong in adolescence, can lead individuals to conform to group norms, even engaging in behavior they would otherwise find unacceptable. Group pressures can override individual moral compasses, particularly when the group defines itself in opposition to an "other."

• Asch and Milgram experiments show the power of group conformity and authority.
• Dehumanizing language ("cockroaches") reduces empathy for outsiders.
• Shared activities (marching, singing) increase in-group cohesion and altruism.

Malleable boundaries. While the us-vs-them dynamic is powerful, group boundaries are not fixed. Shared goals, common experiences, and increased familiarity with individuals from other groups can expand the circle of "us," reducing prejudice and increasing empathy across perceived divides.

9. Modern life and media can reduce face-to-face interaction, threatening empathy's development.

All of this adds up to a lot more time spent with things, distracted by media, and in isolation—and a lot less time face-to-face with people—building relationships.

Decline in connection. Despite the rise of social media, measures of face-to-face social connection have declined significantly in recent decades. Americans report fewer close confidants, less time socializing with friends and family, and reduced participation in civic groups. This "relational poverty" limits opportunities to practice and develop empathy.

Screen time impact. Excessive screen time, particularly in early childhood, can interfere with the development of empathy. Unlike human interaction, screens do not provide reciprocal responses, limiting opportunities for mirroring and learning social cues.

• Baby videos linked to language delays.
• Violent media linked to increased aggression and desensitization to pain.
• Desensitization reduces the physiological response that underlies emotional empathy.

Substitution effect. When screen time replaces face-to-face interaction, it reduces the practice needed to build strong relational skills. While online connections can be valuable, they often lack the richness and complexity of in-person relationships necessary for full empathetic development.

10. Social status and economic inequality are deeply linked to health and empathy via chronic stress.

The lower you rank in such a society—the more often you are on the bottom of the power differential and the more unpredictable that is—the more likely you are to have health problems.

Status stress. Social hierarchies and power differentials profoundly impact health. Being lower in status, experiencing less control over one's circumstances, and facing unpredictable threats or disrespect leads to chronic stress activation. This wears down the body and increases risk for numerous physical and mental illnesses.

Health gradient. Studies like the Whitehall study show a clear "social gradient" in health: the lower one's rank, the worse their health outcomes, even when controlling for lifestyle factors. This is linked to the physiological toll of chronic stress on cardiovascular, immune, and neurological systems.

• Elevated stress hormones damage blood vessels and suppress immunity.
• Chronic stress can damage brain regions involved in memory and mood regulation (e.g., hippocampus).
• Lack of control exacerbates the negative health effects of stress.

Inequality's impact. Greater economic inequality in a society correlates with worse overall health, lower life expectancy, higher infant mortality, and increased rates of crime and mental illness, even for those at the top. Inequality increases social distance and reduces trust, making it harder to build social capital and support systems that buffer stress.

11. Trust and social capital, built on empathy, are vital for a healthy society and economy.

Expanding the circle of empathy beyond your own family and social group is critical to a well-functioning nation.

Economic engine. Trust is the invisible lubricant of a functioning economy and society. It reduces the need for costly safeguards and allows for complex transactions and cooperation beyond immediate family or tribe. High levels of "bridging social capital" (trust in outsiders) are linked to economic growth and stability.

Oxytocin's role. The chemistry of trust involves oxytocin, which promotes bonding and reduces stress in social interactions. Studies show oxytocin increases generosity and trustworthiness, facilitating cooperation and exchange. Trusting interactions raise oxytocin, creating a positive feedback loop.

Inequality erodes trust. High economic inequality undermines trust by creating social distance and fostering cynicism. When people perceive the system as unfair or rigged, they are less likely to trust others or cooperate, leading to increased corruption, crime, and social fragmentation. This creates a vicious cycle that hinders development and well-being.

12. Cultivating empathy requires conscious effort, supportive environments, and valuing relational health.

Right now, we don’t value empathy enough.

Conscious choice. While biology provides the potential, developing and maintaining empathy requires conscious effort and practice throughout life. Recognizing its importance is the first step. We need to actively choose behaviors and environments that nurture connection over isolation and competition.

Supportive environments. Creating conditions that foster empathy involves:

• Supporting parents, especially mothers, with resources and social networks.
• Providing high-quality, nurturing early childcare with consistent caregivers.
• Promoting face-to-face interaction and unstructured play for children.
• Encouraging reading and discussions that promote perspective-taking.
• Creating safe, inclusive schools and communities that discourage bullying and value diversity.

Policy implications. Societal policies should reflect the understanding that relational health is fundamental to overall well-being. This includes supporting paid parental leave, affordable childcare and healthcare, reducing economic inequality, and investing in programs that build social capital and intergenerational connections. Valuing empathy means prioritizing human connection in our homes, schools, and policies.

Last updated: May 5, 2025