Key Takeaways
1. God's Glory, Not Just Rules, Should Guide Christian Relationships
"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" (1 Corinthians 10:31).
Beyond Dating vs. Courtship. The core issue isn't the label we use—dating or courtship—but whether our relationships honor God. Many get caught up in the "right" method, missing the point of loving God and others. The extremes of lawlessness (living for self) and legalism (trusting in human rules) both miss the mark.
Essentials for God-Glorifying Relationships:
- Joyful obedience to God's Word
- Selfless desire to do what's best for the other person
- Humble embrace of community
- Commitment to guard the sacredness of sex
- Deep satisfaction in God
Different Paths, Same Master. God doesn't have a one-size-fits-all plan for relationships. Like art students with different tools copying the same painting, we each have unique circumstances. The goal is to fix our eyes on Jesus and give our all to our romance in a way that's faithful to His character and motivated by a passion to bring Him glory.
2. Romance Needs Wisdom: Patience, Purpose, and Reality
"I charge you," Solomon's bride says, "Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires" (Song of Songs 8:4).
Wisdom Guides Romance. Romance without wisdom becomes selfish and even idolatrous. Wisdom is the art of living skillfully in our actual conditions. It's like the string on a kite, guiding and holding back the kite from crashing.
Three Ways Wisdom Leads:
- Romance says, "I want it now!" Wisdom urges patience.
- Romance says, "Let feelings decide what happens." Wisdom leads us to pursue a purposeful relationship.
- Romance says, "Enjoy the fantasy." Wisdom calls us to base our emotions and perceptions in reality.
Readiness for Courtship. You're ready to start a courtship when you can match romance with wisdom. Are you able to be patient? Can you set a clear course for the relationship? Are your emotions based in reality? The right time is when romance can be guided by wisdom.
3. God Guides: It's About the Journey, Not Just the Destination
"God, tell me who, tell me how, tell me when-and then I'll trust you."
Trust Requires Vulnerability. We often want God to make everything crystal clear before we trust Him. But true trust means embracing our vulnerability and dependence on Him. God is interested in the journey, not just the destination.
Key Principles:
- Don't overspiritualize decision-making. God uses practical means to lead.
- Our romanticized ideal of what we want in a spouse is often different from what God says matters.
- God is interested in the journey, not just the destination.
Letting Go and Trusting God. The story of David and Claire illustrates that God's timing and plan are often different from our own. It's about letting go of our own desires and trusting that God's plan is better. The goal is to seek God's peace, not the peace we attempt to create.
4. Friendship First: Grow and Guard Hearts in Stages
Now this is our boast: Our conscience testifies that we have conducted ourselves in the world, and especially in our relations with you, in the holiness and sincerity that are from God.
Growing and Guarding. In courtship, the goals should be to grow closer and guard each other's hearts. It's a balancing act between friendship and marriage. The goal is to treat each other in a godly manner, make the right choice about marriage, and have a clear conscience about our actions.
Three Areas to Grow and Guard:
- Friendship: Deepen the friendship, but maintain appropriate pace, focus, and space.
- Fellowship: Share a passion for God, but avoid emotional dependence.
- Romance: Express affection, but don't promise more commitment than you're ready to give.
Treasure the Season. Don't despise or hurry the in-between time of courtship, even though you often feel the tension. Instead, treasure the season. Balancing the need to grow and guard during courtship is a necessary and fulfilling part of making the journey towards marriage wisely and with holiness and sincerity.
5. Communicate Authentically: Lips Reveal the Heart
For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks" (Luke 6:45).
Communication Starts Within. Communication problems are often heart problems. Our words flow from what's inside us. We can't blame our upbringing or personality for selfish, sinful, or uncaring words.
Five Principles for Authentic Communication:
- Communication problems are usually heart problems.
- Your ears are your most important communication tools.
- Good communication doesn't happen by accident.
- The absence of conflict doesn't equal good communication.
- Motive is more important than technique.
Guard Your Heart. Clear communication does not equal premature or inappropriate intimacy. Don't promise or imply a deeper level of commitment than you really have. Be courageous and honest, and trust that God is at work in your relationship.
6. Embrace God-Given Roles: Men Lead, Women Respond
The world cries for men who are strong-strong in conviction, strong to lead, to stand, to suffer.
God's Design for Manhood and Womanhood. God created men and women equal in worth but different in roles. Men are called to be servant initiators, and women are called to respond to godly leadership. This reflects God's beautiful story.
Men, Be Servant Leaders:
- Assume the responsibility of leading and initiating.
- Be a spiritual leader.
- Communicate care, respect, and a desire to protect.
- Encourage women to embrace godly femininity.
Women, Encourage Godly Men:
- Encourage and make room for men to practice servant leadership.
- Be a sister to the men in your life.
- Cultivate the attitude that motherhood is a noble and fulfilling calling.
- Cultivate godliness and inward beauty.
7. Community Matters: Courtship Is a Team Sport
"So in Christ we who are many form one body," wrote Paul, "and each member belongs to all the others" (Romans 12:5).
Courtship as a Community Project. A healthy relationship cannot be isolated from the people around it. A courtship devoid of community is like a wedding without guests. It involves the physical and spiritual family to which they're connected.
Community Provides:
- Reality: Another perspective of our relationship.
- Protection: A godly man to whom she can point prospective suitors.
- Accountability: Help to live by what we know is right.
Humbly Seek Help. God's plan for community in courtship is not about smothering your happiness. It's about multiplying your joy! It's about inviting the protection of godly men and women who care for you spiritually.
8. Purity Isn't Just Waiting: It's Passionately Loving God's Way
Among you," God tells His children, "there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity" (Ephesians 5:3).
Captivated by God's Way. To stand firm against sin, we must be captivated by the beauty and greater pleasure of God's way. This involves agreeing with God about the goodness of pure sex within marriage, refusing the counterfeits offered by the world, and fearing the consequences of illicit sex.
Key Principles:
- During courtship, guarding each other's purity and refraining from sexual intimacy are the acts of lovemaking.
- Lust is never satisfied.
- Specific guidelines for your physical relationship can never replace humble reliance on the Holy Spirit-but they can reinforce your biblical convictions.
- The longer your "no big deal" list is before marriage, the shorter your "very special" list will be after marriage.
Maximize Joy. God not only wants to maximize a couple's enjoyment of sex in marriage, He also wants them to learn to trust Him together. It's because God has made sex a precious treasure that He's commanded us to guard it.
9. Face the Past with Grace: Forgiveness Is Possible
"I, even I, am he who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more" (Isaiah 43:25).
The Cross Changes Everything. The Cross is God's plan for freeing you from the guilt and punishment of your past sin. At the Cross we see both the depths of our depravity and the heights of God's amazing love for us.
Wrong Approaches to Sin:
- Minimizing Sin
- Ignoring Holiness
- Living Self-Righteously
Practical Steps:
- Be absolutely sure of God's love for you and His complete forgiveness of your past sin.
- Confess your past sin to your partner.
- Forgive the past sin of another person.
10. Are You Ready for Forever? Ask the Hard Questions
They dream in courtship and in wedlock wake.
Sober Evaluation. The season of courtship is the time to be wide-awake with your eyes wide open. This doesn't mean being hypercritical or judgmental. Instead, it means soberly and honestly evaluating ourselves, the other person, and our relationship before we commit ourselves to marriage.
Ten Questions to Ask:
- Is your relationship centered on God and His glory?
- Are you growing in friendship, communication, fellowship, and romance?
- Are you clear on your biblical roles as man and woman?
- Are other people supportive of your relationship?
- Is sexual desire playing too big (or too small) a part in your decision?
- Do you have a track record of solving problems biblically?
- Are you heading in the same direction in life?
- Have you taken into account any cultural differences you have?
- Do either of you have complicating entanglements from past marriages or relationships?
- Do you want to marry this person?
Make a Wise Decision. By working through these questions, you can discover both strengths and weaknesses in your relationship and make a more informed decision about whether you should get married.
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Review Summary
Boy Meets Girl received mixed reviews, with some praising its focus on purposeful, God-centered relationships and practical advice for courtship. Many readers appreciated Harris's personal stories and biblical approach. However, critics found it overly restrictive, potentially damaging, and reflective of outdated gender roles. Some felt it promoted unrealistic expectations and legalism. The book's impact was significant within Christian circles, though opinions varied widely on its merits. Recent developments in Harris's personal life have led some readers to reevaluate the book's teachings.
