Bringing Up Bébé

1. French parents prioritize calm and balance in family life

"For French parents, living with a child-king seems wildly out of balance and bad for the whole family."

Harmony over chaos. French parents strive to maintain a sense of equilibrium in their households, avoiding the frenetic, child-centered approach often seen in American families. They believe that a calm home environment benefits both children and adults.

Adult time is valued. French parents make a conscious effort to preserve their adult relationships and interests, rather than sacrificing everything for their children. This approach helps maintain parental identity and prevents burnout.

• French parents often:
  • Have regular date nights
  • Maintain separate social lives
  • Prioritize adult conversation during meals
  • Enforce strict bedtimes for children

2. The Pause: A key technique for teaching babies to sleep through the night

"When French parents say that it's important to take cues from a child's own rhythm, part of what they mean is that when the child is busy playing, they leave him alone."

Observing before intervening. French parents practice "The Pause" - a brief waiting period before responding to a baby's cries or movements during sleep. This technique helps babies learn to self-soothe and connect sleep cycles.

Consistency is key. French parents apply The Pause consistently from an early age, typically around two to three months. This helps babies develop good sleep habits quickly, often resulting in infants who sleep through the night much earlier than their American counterparts.

• Benefits of The Pause:
  • Teaches babies to self-soothe
  • Helps parents distinguish between different types of cries
  • Promotes longer and more restful sleep for both babies and parents
  • Establishes a foundation for future sleep habits

3. French children learn patience and delayed gratification from an early age

"French parents and caregivers don't think that kids have infinite patience. They don't expect toddlers to sit through symphonies or formal banquets. They usually talk about waiting in terms of minutes or seconds."

Small delays, big impact. French parents introduce the concept of waiting from infancy, gradually increasing the duration as children grow. This approach helps children develop patience and self-control.

Structured mealtimes. French families typically eat meals at set times, with no snacking between. This teaches children to wait for food and helps them develop better eating habits.

• Ways French parents teach patience:
  • No constant snacking between meals
  • Encouraging children to play independently
  • Not immediately responding to every demand
  • Teaching children to wait their turn in conversations

4. Mealtimes in France are structured and educational experiences

"French kids actually eat things like beets, spinach, and broccoli. They don't get chicken nuggets."

Diverse palates from the start. French parents introduce a wide variety of foods, including vegetables, from a young age. They expect children to try everything and don't cater to picky eating habits.

Meals as social events. French families view mealtimes as opportunities for conversation and connection. Children are expected to participate in discussions and practice good table manners.

• Characteristics of French mealtimes:
  • No separate "kid food"
  • Multiple courses, even for young children
  • Emphasis on trying new foods
  • Relaxed, unhurried atmosphere
  • No TV or devices at the table

5. French parents establish a firm "cadre" (framework) with clear boundaries

"French parents are very clear on what's okay and what's not. She managed to be both affectionate and have authority without ever raising her voice."

Clear expectations. The cadre provides children with a clear understanding of acceptable behavior. Within these boundaries, children are given considerable freedom.

Consistency is crucial. French parents enforce the cadre consistently, which helps children feel secure and understand their limits.

• Elements of the French cadre:
  • Clear rules and expectations
  • Consistent enforcement
  • Firm but calm discipline
  • Freedom within established boundaries
  • Emphasis on respect for others

6. Autonomy and independence are cultivated in French children from infancy

"The French believe that even babies are rational beings, with whom adults can have reciprocal, respectful relationships."

Trust in children's capabilities. French parents encourage independence from an early age, believing that children are capable of more than we often give them credit for.

Gradual increase in responsibility. As children grow, they are given more opportunities to make decisions and handle tasks on their own.

• Ways French parents foster independence:
  • Allowing babies to self-soothe
  • Encouraging independent play
  • Letting children resolve their own conflicts
  • Giving age-appropriate responsibilities
  • Sending children on overnight school trips from a young age

7. French parenting emphasizes politeness and social skills from a young age

"Bonjour and au revoir put the child and the adult on more equal footing, at least for that moment. It cements the idea that kids are people in their own right."

Social graces as a priority. French parents place great importance on teaching children to be polite and respectful in social situations from a very young age.

Reciprocal respect. By teaching children to greet adults and use polite language, French parents instill the idea that children are part of the social fabric and deserve respect as well.

• Key social skills taught to French children:
  • Saying "bonjour" and "au revoir"
  • Using "please" and "thank you"
  • Waiting their turn to speak
  • Making eye contact during conversations
  • Respecting others' personal space

8. French mothers maintain their identities beyond motherhood

"French mothers don't just permit themselves physical time off; they also allow themselves to mentally detach from their kids."

Balanced identity. French mothers strive to maintain their pre-motherhood identities, including their careers, social lives, and personal interests.

Guilt-free separation. French mothers view time away from their children as beneficial for both themselves and their kids, rather than feeling guilty about it.

• Ways French mothers maintain balance:
  • Returning to work soon after giving birth
  • Utilizing childcare options like crèches
  • Maintaining active social lives
  • Prioritizing self-care and personal appearance
  • Not sacrificing adult relationships for children

9. Praise is used sparingly and strategically in French parenting

"French parents also openly question what their own quality of life would be if they looked after children all day."

Quality over quantity. French parents use praise judiciously, focusing on specific accomplishments rather than constant, generic praise.

Encouraging intrinsic motivation. By not overpraising, French parents help children develop their own sense of accomplishment and motivation.

• French approach to praise:
  • Praising effort and specific achievements
  • Avoiding excessive or unwarranted praise
  • Encouraging children to evaluate their own performance
  • Focusing on improvement rather than perfection
  • Teaching children to find satisfaction in their own accomplishments

10. French parents aim to raise resilient, well-adjusted children who can cope with frustration

"You must teach your child frustration."

Embracing discomfort. French parents believe that experiencing and overcoming frustration is essential for a child's development and future happiness.

Building resilience. By not shielding children from every disappointment or difficulty, French parents help them develop the skills to cope with life's challenges.

• Ways French parents build resilience:
  • Allowing children to experience minor setbacks
  • Not immediately intervening in conflicts
  • Teaching children to wait and delay gratification
  • Encouraging problem-solving skills
  • Helping children understand and manage their emotions

Last updated: January 22, 2025