Broken Open

1. Listen to the Call of the Soul

When you do something from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.

The soul speaks. Deep within us flows an endless river of pure energy, the soul, singing a song of joy and liberation. This inner voice is always sending messages, often felt as a subtle longing or a nudge towards something new. Ignoring this call leads to confusion, numbness, or anger, as the blocked energy finds other outlets.

Soul's direction. Connecting with your soul brings a feeling of flow and joy, whether through creative expression, meditation, prayer, nature, or helping others. It's also felt when surrendering to difficult situations, letting go of fear and heartache to embrace life's flow. The soul guides us towards what truly matters, often demanding big changes.

Soul comes looking. If we don't actively seek what lies beneath the surface, the soul will find us, sometimes through crisis or illness. The stories in this book are about people who listened to this call, often through difficult circumstances, and stepped boldly into the fullness of their humanity, discovering the shining soul within.

2. Embrace the Dark Woods of Fear and Pain

In the middle of the journey of our life I found myself within a dark woods Where the straight way was lost.

Life's inevitable woods. To be human is to get lost in the woods of confusion, catastrophe, or wrongdoing. We don't arrive with clear directions, and the difficult times we fear can actually break us open and help us grow. These dark places are where we discover our strengths and uncover forgotten qualities.

Twice-Born journey. William James described "Twice-Born" people who pay attention when the soul calls, entering the woods of change. They lose the straight way, make mistakes, suffer loss, and confront inner changes needed for a more genuine life. Unlike "Once-Born" who avoid or deny adversity, Twice-Born use it for awakening.

Facing the shadow. The journey into the woods is an inner one, often requiring us to face our shadow – the parts we've spent a lifetime running from. This is difficult, but it's where we retrieve hidden parts, learn lessons, and give birth to a wise, mature self. Every person is offered the chance to move from innocence to wisdom.

3. The Phoenix Process: Die to Be Reborn

Our lives ask us to die and to be reborn every time we confront change—change within ourselves and change in our world.

Rising from ashes. The Phoenix Process is the journey of surrendering to great difficulty, allowing pain to break us open, and being reborn stronger, wiser, and kinder. Like the mythical bird, we can reproduce ourselves from shattered pieces, using crisis and stress as vehicles for transformation.

Finding the true self. When we descend to the bottom of a loss with an open heart, we can bring back the sweetness of life and inner growth. When there's nothing left to lose, we find the true self – whole, enough, no longer defined by others. This self is authentic, vital, generous, and wise.

What must burn. To turn pain into a Phoenix Process, we must name what needs to burn within us: illusions, rigidity, fear, blame, lack of faith, sense of separation. The journey is unique for everyone, but the treasure sought in the ashes is the same: our most authentic self, arising from the fire.

4. Relationships Break Us Open and Initiate Growth

For many, many people, a tested or failed relationship is the gateway into their most formative Phoenix Process.

Intimacy as catalyst. Intimate relationships are powerful catalysts for personal growth, often leading to formative Phoenix Processes. The pain of a broken family or tested partnership can awaken the heart and stir passion for life, leading to a classic descent and resurrection.

The Shaman Lover. Sometimes, a "Shaman Lover" enters our lives, a person whose destiny is to heal heartsick individuals and ignite frozen passion. This figure, often seen as dangerous or unconventional, can be sent by fate to blast us open, awaken dead parts of the body, and deliver the kiss of life, changing us forever.

Facing the shadow in love. Engaging with a Shaman Lover or navigating relationship crisis often involves confronting our shadow side – deceit, rage, sorrow, insensitivity. This journey, though costly (loss of marriage, stability, reputation), can lead to finding missing pieces (passion, body, humility, joy) and ultimately, the landscape of love.

5. Parenting is a Path of Love and Letting Go

Parenthood is a clumsy yet majestic dance in the flames.

Perpetual transformation. Raising children is a never-ending journey of worry and love, demanding we simultaneously surrender to and let go of someone we love, over and over. It's a spiritual path offering daily opportunities to embrace life's rapture and pain, finding truth between opposites like control and leniency, care for others and self.

Mirror of self. Parenting serves as a mirror, revealing exactly where we fall short: self-absorption, resistance to putting others first, martyrdom, fear of change, impatience, jealousy. Whatever needs transformation in our psyche will be revealed as we parent, making it a perpetual process of change.

Letting them go. A crucial part of parenting is learning to let children go, allowing them to individuate and find their own path. This requires courage to lift our protective wing, especially during the challenging teenage years. While difficult, letting go with grace allows children to step boldly into their own lives and fosters a new, deeper connection.

6. Confronting Death is Recovering Life's Joy

The conquest of the fear of death is the recovery of life’s joy.

Death's constant presence. Death is not just a single event at the end of life; we are dying every day in physical, emotional, and spiritual ways. Our fear of endings, partings, and the unknown causes suffering in daily existence, whether we fear the final death or the smaller ones in between.

Death as teacher. Death is our greatest teacher, showing us that what we crave (security, health, gain) is fleeting and uncontrollable, and what we fear (conflict, aging, loss) will come to pass. Studying death, or witnessing birth and dying, can humble, awaken, challenge, and heal us, leading to an intense appreciation of life's beauty and brevity.

Beyond fear. When the shell of resistance to death cracks, we find optimism. Understanding that everything is constantly dying and being reborn in a vast, eternal cycle allows us to let go of the need to control. We can appreciate what is given, grieve what is lost, and dwell with humor and faith in the infinite mystery.

7. Grief is Good: It Heals and Connects Us

Grief is also a tonic.

The art of grieving. Grieving well is a creative act requiring attention, patience, and courage. Unlike the cultural push for quick "closure," true mourning is a slow, messy process involving emotional upheaval and dark nights. Though painful, grief is a healing elixir, lubricating the heart with tears.

Unfelt grief's cost. Holding back tears and unfelt grief dulls life, leading to numbness, sickness, or bitterness. Repressed pain doesn't disappear; it festers and can cause destructive detours later in life. Allowing grief to have its way, even when it feels overwhelming, is necessary for healing and finding life again.

Keeping the gap open. After a loss, allowing the "gap" of absence to remain empty, without filling it with distractions, is a way of storing healing energy. Staying connected to the person who died, even at the cost of pain, preserves bonds and accumulates power needed to meet new opportunities. Grief is proof of love and a path to deeper connection.

8. Flow with the River of Change and Uncertainty

Once again, I accept that life is uncertain—that the goal is not to become more certain about anything but to relax more into the mystery of not knowing what will come next.

Life's constant flow. We live in a river of change, both externally and internally. We can either resist the flow, feeling tired and stuck, or relax and float with it, accessing courage and enthusiasm. Our bodies are constantly changing, like rivers, reminding us that who we were yesterday is not who we are today.

Embracing uncertainty. The goal is not to achieve certainty, but to become comfortable with not knowing what comes next. Relaxing into the mystery, even when things feel out of control, can lead to a peaceful knowing and faithful wisdom that surpasses the need for control.

Messages from reality. Reality constantly provides feedback on our actions, like a bank of rich information. Instead of fighting or defending against what happens, we can read it as pertinent news about being human. Trusting these messages, whether perceived as success or failure, allows us to flow with reality rather than against it.

9. We're All Bozos: Embrace Your Imperfection

We’re all bozos on the bus, so we might as well sit back and enjoy the ride.

Shared imperfection. We are all half-baked experiments, mistake-prone beings navigating a complex world without a manual. We've all betrayed, been betrayed, been egotistical, unreliable, and fearful. Recognizing that everyone shares these ordinary foibles is cause for celebration, allowing us to drop the burden of pretense.

Open Secret. Rumi's "Open Secret" is the laughable admission that each of us has a shadow self, a bumbling, bad-tempered twin. We hide this from each other, leading to alienation and envy, when in reality, we're all safeguarding the same story of human bewilderment.

Compassion and connection. Accepting our shared bozo nature allows us to approach problems with a light, forgiving heart. Shame about our failings turns hurt into suffering; without shame, we feel connected and belong. Seeing clearly that everyone, regardless of status, shares the same flaws helps us cheer up, loosen up, and enjoy the ride together.

10. Learning You Were Wrong is a Path to Freedom

Learning you were wrong.

The joy of discovery. There is great joy and freedom in discovering our ignorance and realizing how defended we've been from the truth. What we think is so is often not so at all. Recognizing how wrong we've been about ourselves, others, or life can be a salvation, leading us to explore every wrong note and illusion.

Humility and growth. Admitting we were wrong, especially after years of certainty or self-righteousness, is a humbling experience. It chips away at the ego and protective layers, polishing the heart with truth. This process, though bittersweet and strange, leads to greater self-love, respect, forgiveness, and acceptance.

Honesty over being right. It is better to be honest and free than to be right and trapped. When trouble visits, especially in relationships, we face the choice: turn away, act out destructively, or use the force wisely for spiritual growth. Learning from mistakes ensures they are not repeated, leading to a more authentic and loving life.

11. Adversity Reveals Friendly Forces Within

In the difficult are the friendly forces, the hands that work on us.

Difficulties as helpers. The difficult times we face are not necessarily evil; they contain "friendly forces," like hands that work on us to make us strong. Every catastrophe can hand us exactly what we need to awaken into who we really are, even if it's hard to see when we're in pain.

Transformation's hands. These friendly forces quietly work on us during unhappy times, frustrating periods, and bewildering conflicts. They gather, rumble, and intervene, humbling the ego, breaking open the heart, and revealing the secret treasure waiting at the bottom of our most difficult times.

Blessings in disguise. Every shift and catastrophe, from small changes to major life-quakes, is a potential vehicle for transformation. While it's easier to blame or shut down, turning misfortune into insight and grief into joy is possible. Adversity, whether through choice or calamity, functions as an initiation into deeper life.

12. The Truth is Worth More Than Your Illusions

It’s when you let the fox steal the eggs that you’re left with the truth of who you really are.

Trapped by illusions. We often remain stuck in old behaviors and mindsets, even when miserable, because we're comfortable with what we know. We get attached to our version of reality, afraid of confronting the truth and letting go of illusions, like needing the "eggs" from a dysfunctional situation.

Longing for truth. To change, we must want something more than the eggs; we must long for the truth. This requires paying attention to the voice calling us out of the safety zone and being willing to lose what stands in the way of our true self. Life sends "foxes" to steal the eggs and reveal the truth.

Surrendering to reality. Adversity is natural, and trying to protect ourselves from change is resisting the soul. Listening to the soul means stopping the fight with life, surrendering to discomfort and uncertainty, and waiting. In brokenness, the soul sings its wise song, recognized by a feeling of being awake, calm, and relieved of control.

Last updated: June 4, 2025