The Relationship Cure

1. Emotional bids are the foundation of connection in relationships

A bid can be a question, a gesture, a look, a touch—any single expression that says, "I want to feel connected to you."

The bidding process. Emotional bids are the fundamental unit of emotional communication in relationships. They can be verbal or non-verbal, ranging from simple gestures to complex conversations. The way people respond to bids - by turning towards, away, or against them - significantly impacts the quality and longevity of relationships.

Impact on relationships. Research shows that couples who consistently respond positively to each other's bids have stronger, more stable relationships. In contrast, those who habitually ignore or reject bids are more likely to experience relationship problems and divorce. This principle applies not only to romantic relationships but also to friendships, parent-child bonds, and work relationships.

Examples of bids:

• A smile or wave
• Asking for help or advice
• Sharing news or experiences
• Physical touch or affection
• Seeking attention or validation

2. Turning towards bids strengthens bonds, while turning away weakens them

When we make our bids clearly and boldly, there's little doubt what we're after.

Positive responses. Turning towards bids involves acknowledging and engaging with the other person's attempt to connect. This can range from a simple nod to an in-depth conversation. Consistently turning towards bids builds trust, intimacy, and emotional connection over time.

Negative responses. Turning away (ignoring or dismissing bids) or turning against (responding with hostility) erodes relationships. Even if unintentional, these negative responses can lead to feelings of rejection, loneliness, and resentment. Over time, this can create a cycle of negative interactions and emotional distance.

Ways to turn towards bids:

• Active listening
• Showing empathy and understanding
• Offering support or assistance
• Engaging in shared activities
• Expressing appreciation and affection

3. Mindfulness is crucial for recognizing and responding to emotional bids

Being mindful, on the other hand, leads to the formation of stable, satisfying relationships.

Awareness of bids. Mindfulness involves being present and attentive to the emotional needs of others. By cultivating awareness, individuals can better recognize subtle bids for connection and respond appropriately. This increased awareness can transform seemingly mundane interactions into opportunities for meaningful connection.

Overcoming obstacles. Mindlessness, often resulting from distractions or preoccupations, can lead to missed bids and weakened relationships. By practicing mindfulness, individuals can overcome common obstacles such as stress, busy schedules, or habitual patterns of interaction that may interfere with emotional connection.

Strategies for increasing mindfulness:

• Practice active observation of others' behavior and emotions
• Limit distractions during interactions
• Regularly reflect on the quality of your relationships
• Set intentions to be more present in your interactions
• Develop rituals that encourage mindful connection

4. Understand your brain's emotional command systems to improve relationships

You can put all the cards on the table. And we can use this shared knowledge to make bids for emotional connections that strengthen relationships.

Seven emotional systems. The brain has seven distinct emotional command systems: Commander-in-Chief, Explorer, Sentry, Energy Czar, Jester, Sensualist, and Nest-Builder. Each system coordinates different emotional and behavioral responses related to survival and well-being.

Personal preferences. Individuals have varying levels of comfort and activation within each system. Understanding your own preferences and those of others can help navigate relationships more effectively. This knowledge allows for better communication, compromise, and mutual understanding.

Examples of how systems affect relationships:

• Commander-in-Chief: Power dynamics and decision-making
• Explorer: Approach to new experiences and change
• Sentry: Handling of risk and security concerns
• Energy Czar: Management of rest and physical needs
• Jester: Attitudes towards play and humor
• Sensualist: Approach to physical intimacy and pleasure
• Nest-Builder: Desire for closeness and nurturing

5. Examine your emotional heritage to enhance connection with others

Understanding how yesterday's feelings color today's experience can make a difference in your ability to form strong, healthy bonds with others.

Family influence. Our emotional heritage, shaped by childhood experiences and family dynamics, significantly impacts how we interact in relationships. This includes the messages we received about expressing emotions, our family's emotional philosophy, and any enduring vulnerabilities from past experiences.

Self-awareness. By examining our emotional heritage, we can gain insight into our relationship patterns, triggers, and emotional responses. This self-awareness allows us to make conscious choices about how we want to interact with others, rather than simply repeating learned behaviors.

Components of emotional heritage:

• Family's approach to expressing emotions
• Childhood experiences of love, conflict, and support
• Learned coping mechanisms
• Unresolved past injuries or traumas
• Inherited beliefs about relationships and emotions

6. Sharpen emotional communication skills through practice and awareness

Communicating well emotionally requires more than saying the right words; we also need to send and receive nonverbal messages accurately.

Nonverbal communication. A significant portion of emotional communication occurs through nonverbal cues such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and body language. Developing the ability to read and accurately interpret these cues is crucial for effective emotional connection.

Skill development. Emotional communication skills can be improved through conscious practice and awareness. This includes learning to express emotions clearly, listening actively, and responding empathetically to others' emotional expressions.

Key emotional communication skills:

• Reading facial expressions
• Interpreting tone of voice and body language
• Using metaphors to express complex emotions
• Practicing active listening
• Developing empathy and validation techniques
• Mastering the art of asking open-ended questions

7. Find shared meaning and create rituals to deepen relationships

Rituals of emotional connection provide structure in your life to ensure that bids for connection happen on a regular basis.

Shared meaning. Couples and families who create a sense of shared meaning in their relationships tend to have stronger, more satisfying bonds. This involves developing a shared understanding of life goals, values, and dreams.

Rituals of connection. Regular rituals, from daily check-ins to annual celebrations, provide structured opportunities for emotional connection. These rituals help reinforce shared meaning and ensure that relationships receive consistent attention and care.

Examples of relationship rituals:

• Daily debriefs or "how was your day" conversations
• Weekly date nights or family dinners
• Annual vacations or holiday traditions
• Bedtime routines for couples or families
• Shared hobbies or activities
• Celebrating personal and professional milestones together

8. Apply these principles to strengthen marriages, parent-child bonds, and friendships

Whether people are struggling to save a marriage, to cooperate in a family crisis, or to build rapport with a difficult boss, they usually have one thing in common: They need to share emotional information that can help them feel connected.

Tailored approaches. While the core principles of emotional connection apply to all relationships, their application may vary depending on the specific relationship context. For example, parent-child relationships require different strategies than romantic partnerships or friendships.

Continuous effort. Building and maintaining strong relationships requires ongoing attention and effort. By consistently applying these principles across different relationships, individuals can create a network of supportive, emotionally fulfilling connections.

Relationship-specific strategies:

• Marriages: Focus on maintaining intimacy and shared goals
• Parent-child: Adapt communication styles to the child's developmental stage
• Friendships: Cultivate shared interests and mutual support
• Work relationships: Balance professionalism with emotional intelligence

9. Adult sibling relationships require unique approaches to emotional connection

Because these patterns of interaction are set at such an early age, it's sometimes hard to stay present in your relationships with siblings.

Shared history. Adult sibling relationships are unique due to their shared childhood experiences and long-standing patterns of interaction. This shared history can be both a source of connection and potential conflict.

Evolving dynamics. As siblings grow and change, it's important to update perceptions and expectations of each other. This may involve letting go of old roles or conflicts and focusing on building new, adult relationships based on mutual understanding and respect.

Strategies for improving adult sibling relationships:

• Focus on current lives and experiences rather than dwelling on the past
• Acknowledge and respect differences in lifestyles and values
• Create new shared experiences and memories
• Establish boundaries and communicate openly about expectations
• Collaborate on family responsibilities, such as caring for aging parents
• Celebrate each other's successes and offer support during challenges

Last updated: January 22, 2025