Calm

1. Calm is a neglected yet vital life skill that can be improved through thinking

Few life skills are as neglected, yet as important as the ability to remain calm.

Calm is essential. In our fast-paced, anxiety-driven world, the ability to remain calm is a crucial skill that is often overlooked. Our worst decisions and interactions typically result from losing our composure and succumbing to agitation. However, the good news is that calmness can be cultivated and improved through thoughtful practice.

Thinking as a tool. Unlike popular methods such as slow breathing or herbal teas, this book proposes that we can educate ourselves in the art of remaining calm through thinking. By examining the causes of our stresses and developing persuasive arguments to defend against panic and fury, we can significantly alter our responses to everyday challenges.

Key areas to focus on:

• Understanding the root causes of our anxieties
• Developing mental strategies to counteract stress
• Practicing self-reflection and analysis
• Cultivating a more philosophical outlook on life's challenges

2. Relationships often suffer from unrealistic expectations and a lack of understanding

Nowhere do we tend to misbehave more gravely than in our relationships.

Romantic illusions. Many relationship problems stem from unrealistic expectations fostered by cultural ideals of perfect love. We often enter relationships with an unconscious belief that our partner will fulfill all our emotional needs, understand us completely, and never disappoint us.

Reality check. The truth is that all relationships involve disagreements, misunderstandings, and compromises. Recognizing this can lead to a more mature and satisfying partnership. By accepting that our partner is a separate individual with their own needs and flaws, we can develop greater empathy and patience.

Steps to improve relationships:

• Lower expectations to more realistic levels
• Communicate openly about needs and frustrations
• Practice empathy and understanding
• Recognize that domestic issues are as important as grand romantic gestures
• Cultivate politeness and good manners within the relationship

3. Domestic life and its challenges deserve greater respect and attention

The central fantasy behind all the noise and anguish of relationships is to find someone we can be happy with.

Domestic dignity. The challenges of everyday domestic life are often undervalued in our culture, which tends to focus on grand romantic gestures. However, the ability to navigate shared living spaces, routines, and responsibilities is crucial for long-term relationship success.

Elevating the ordinary. By recognizing the importance of these seemingly mundane aspects of life together, couples can avoid many common sources of conflict. Treating domestic issues with the same seriousness as work or creative pursuits can lead to greater harmony and mutual respect.

Areas of domestic life to focus on:

• Division of household chores
• Financial management and decision-making
• Time management and scheduling
• Personal space and boundaries
• Conflict resolution strategies for everyday disagreements

4. Sexual difficulties arise from societal pressures and unrealistic ideals

The agony of not getting what one wants sexually is, in essence, the collision between a powerfully urgent desire and a range of inescapable obstacles.

Societal pressure. Modern society places enormous pressure on individuals to have fulfilling sex lives, leading to anxiety and disappointment when reality falls short of expectations. This pressure can create performance anxiety and strain relationships.

Realistic expectations. Accepting that sexual compatibility is complex and that desires may not always align can lead to more honest communication and mutual understanding. It's important to recognize that sexual needs and preferences evolve over time and may require ongoing negotiation and compromise.

Strategies for addressing sexual difficulties:

• Open communication about desires and boundaries
• Acceptance of natural variations in libido and preferences
• Exploration of non-sexual forms of intimacy
• Recognition that sexual satisfaction is just one aspect of a relationship
• Seeking professional help when needed (e.g., couples therapy, sex therapy)

5. Work-related stress stems from capitalism and ambition

We deserve a great deal of sympathy for the fact that we are living under capitalism.

Capitalism's impact. The competitive nature of capitalism creates an environment of constant pressure to perform, innovate, and succeed. This can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, and a sense of never being good enough.

Ambition's double-edge. While ambition can drive us to achieve great things, it can also be a source of constant dissatisfaction and self-doubt. Recognizing the limits of our control over outcomes and focusing on personal growth rather than external markers of success can help alleviate this stress.

Coping strategies for work-related stress:

• Redefine success in personal rather than societal terms
• Practice mindfulness and presence in daily tasks
• Set realistic goals and celebrate small achievements
• Cultivate interests and relationships outside of work
• Recognize the systemic nature of work stress to avoid self-blame

6. Other people's actions are often misinterpreted, leading to unnecessary conflict

One of the most fundamental paths to calm is the power to hold on, even in very challenging situations, to a distinction between what someone does – and what they meant to do.

Misattribution of intent. We often assume that others' actions are deliberately meant to harm or inconvenience us, when in reality, most people are simply caught up in their own concerns and struggles.

Empathy as a tool. By cultivating empathy and considering alternative explanations for others' behavior, we can reduce our own stress and avoid unnecessary conflicts. This approach can lead to more harmonious relationships and a calmer state of mind.

Techniques for better understanding others:

• Practice perspective-taking
• Assume positive or neutral intent when possible
• Ask for clarification instead of jumping to conclusions
• Remember that everyone is fighting their own battles
• Recognize how our own state of mind colors our interpretations

7. External stimuli like art, music, and nature can profoundly influence our state of calm

The route to calm can follow two paths: one we've been tracing up to this point – philosophy – and another we'll turn to now – art.

Sensory influence. Our environment and the sensory inputs we receive can have a significant impact on our emotional state. Art, music, and nature can serve as powerful tools for inducing calm and reducing stress.

Intentional exposure. By deliberately seeking out calming influences in our environment, we can create spaces and experiences that promote tranquility. This can involve curating our living spaces, choosing specific music or art to engage with, or spending time in nature.

Ways to use external stimuli for calm:

• Create a visually soothing home environment
• Listen to calming music or nature sounds
• Spend time in natural settings
• Engage with art that promotes contemplation and peace
• Practice mindful observation of beauty in everyday surroundings

8. Historical perspective can provide comfort and reduce anxiety about current events

History functions as a corrective. It gains its power because it balances out the more self-centred of our preoccupations.

Timeless struggles. Studying history reveals that many of our current struggles and anxieties are not unique to our time. This perspective can help us feel less alone in our challenges and more connected to the human experience across time.

Resilience of humanity. Historical knowledge also demonstrates the resilience of human societies in the face of seemingly insurmountable challenges. This can provide comfort and hope when facing current difficulties.

Benefits of historical perspective:

• Reduces feeling of exceptionalism about current problems
• Provides context for understanding cyclical nature of events
• Offers examples of human resilience and problem-solving
• Helps separate truly novel threats from recurring challenges
• Encourages a longer-term view of progress and change

9. Physical touch and regression are undervalued sources of comfort for adults

To ask for a hug is not simply to request a physical embrace. It has a bigger meaning as an admission that one is not coping and as a plea for protection and support.

Touch as therapy. Physical touch, particularly hugs, can provide significant emotional comfort and stress relief. However, as adults, we often neglect this basic need due to societal expectations of independence and self-reliance.

Embracing vulnerability. Allowing ourselves moments of regression – temporarily adopting a more childlike state of neediness – can be a healthy way to cope with stress and overwhelm. Recognizing and accepting these needs in ourselves and others can lead to more compassionate relationships and improved emotional well-being.

Ways to incorporate touch and regression:

• Normalize asking for hugs or physical comfort from trusted individuals
• Practice self-soothing techniques (e.g., self-hugs, weighted blankets)
• Create safe spaces for emotional vulnerability in relationships
• Recognize that needing comfort is a sign of humanity, not weakness
• Offer physical comfort to others when appropriate

Last updated: November 24, 2024