The Confidence Gap

1. The actions of confidence come first; feelings follow

The actions of confidence come first; the feelings of confidence come later.

Act with confidence. Waiting to feel confident before taking action keeps you stuck in the "confidence gap." Instead, take action guided by your values, even when you feel afraid or unsure. As you build skills and experience through practice, feelings of confidence will often follow. This applies to any area requiring confidence, from public speaking to sports to relationships.

Face your fears. Recognize that feeling afraid when facing challenges is normal and doesn't mean you can't act. The fight-or-flight response that creates fear sensations evolved to help us deal with threats, not to hold us back. By taking action despite fear, you prove to yourself that you can handle challenges, building genuine confidence over time.

• Remember: Confidence is not the absence of fear, but a transformed relationship with it
• Ask yourself: "What small action can I take today, even if I don't feel fully confident?"
• Celebrate each time you act with confidence, regardless of the outcome

2. Defuse from unhelpful thoughts to build true confidence

Negative thoughts are normal. Don't fight them; defuse them.

Recognize thought patterns. Our minds evolved to think negatively and spot potential threats. This means we all have unhelpful thoughts at times, especially when facing challenges. Common patterns include harsh self-judgments, predictions of failure, comparisons to others, and reasons why we "can't" do something.

Practice defusion techniques. Instead of believing these thoughts or fighting against them, learn to create distance. Defusion means recognizing thoughts as just words and pictures in our minds, not facts about reality. Try techniques like:

• Naming the thought: "I'm having the thought that I'll fail"
• Thanking your mind: "Thanks for that thought, mind"
• Singing the thought to a silly tune
• Imagining thoughts as leaves floating down a stream

By defusing, you reduce the impact of negative thoughts without trying to eliminate them. This frees up mental energy to focus on taking effective action.

3. Expand around uncomfortable feelings instead of avoiding them

Fear is not your enemy. It is a powerful source of energy that can be harnessed and used for your benefit.

Make room for discomfort. Trying to avoid or eliminate uncomfortable feelings like fear and anxiety often amplifies them and creates more problems. Instead, practice "expansion" - opening up and making space for these feelings in your body. This doesn't mean liking or wanting the feelings, just allowing them to be there without a struggle.

Channel the energy. Fear and anxiety create physical energy in our bodies through the fight-or-flight response. Once you've made room for these sensations, look for ways to channel that energy into the task at hand. Many top performers reframe nerves as excitement or being "amped up."

• Use the NAME technique: Notice, Acknowledge, Make room, Expand awareness
• Ask: "How can I use this energy to help me perform better?"
• Remember: You can feel afraid and still take effective action

4. Clarify your values to guide meaningful action

Hold your values lightly, but pursue them vigorously.

Identify core values. Values are desired qualities of ongoing action - how you want to behave as a person and what you want to stand for in life. Unlike goals, values can be acted on at any moment. Common values include things like courage, creativity, connection, and growth. Reflect on what's truly important to you across different life domains.

Use values as a compass. Once clarified, values provide direction and motivation, especially when facing challenges. They help answer the question, "What kind of person do I want to be in this situation?" Values also provide a sense of meaning and fulfillment, even when specific goals aren't achieved.

• Ask: "If I was living fully by my values, how would I act in this situation?"
• Use values to set meaningful goals and guide daily actions
• Remember that you can choose to act on your values at any moment

5. Set realistic goals and take committed action

Don't obsess on the outcome; get passionate about the process.

Break down big goals. When faced with daunting challenges, break them into smaller, more manageable steps. Focus on the next actionable step rather than getting overwhelmed by the end goal. Ask, "What's the smallest, easiest thing I could do today to move in this direction?"

Commit to the process. Instead of fixating on outcomes, get engaged in the day-to-day actions that move you toward your goals. Recognize that you have more control over your actions than your feelings or the final results. Make a habit of taking committed action guided by your values, regardless of how you feel in the moment.

• Set SMART goals: Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time-bound
• Create action plans with concrete next steps
• Celebrate progress and effort, not just outcomes

6. Engage fully in the present moment for peak performance

To develop genuine confidence, we need to be fully present and engaged in whatever we are doing.

Practice mindful engagement. Develop the ability to focus your attention on the present moment and the task at hand. This "task-focused attention" is crucial for peak performance in any domain, from sports to public speaking to creative work. When caught up in thoughts about the past or future, we miss out on fully experiencing and responding to what's happening now.

Use your senses. A simple way to practice engagement is to tune into your five senses. Notice what you can see, hear, feel, smell, and taste in your current environment. This helps anchor you in the present and often naturally defuses you from distracting thoughts.

• Try "leaves on a stream" meditation to practice letting thoughts pass
• During daily activities, set reminders to check in with your senses
• When performing, focus on relevant sensory input (e.g., feeling the tennis racket, hearing the audience)

7. Embrace failure as an opportunity for growth

Failure hurts – but if we're willing to learn, it's a wonderful teacher.

Expect and accept failure. Recognize that failure and mistakes are an inevitable part of growth and learning. Trying to avoid failure often leads to playing it safe and missing out on opportunities. Instead, view failure as valuable feedback on what doesn't work, pointing the way toward eventual success.

Develop resilience. Learn to bounce back from failures by following these steps:

1. Unhook from self-critical thoughts
2. Make room for painful feelings
3. Be kind to yourself
4. Appreciate what worked, even partially
5. Find something useful to learn
6. Take a stand by acting on your values

• Collect stories of successful people who failed many times
• Ask: "What can I learn from this experience to improve next time?"
• Remember: True success is living by your values, not just achieving goals

8. Practice self-acceptance rather than seeking self-esteem

Self-acceptance trumps self-esteem.

Let go of self-judgments. Constantly evaluating yourself as good or bad, a success or a failure, creates a fragile sense of self-worth. Instead, practice accepting yourself as you are, flaws and all. This doesn't mean you can't strive to improve, but that your fundamental worth isn't dependent on achievements or others' approval.

Focus on values-based living. Rather than trying to feel good about yourself all the time, focus on living in alignment with your values. This provides a more stable sense of meaning and fulfillment than chasing high self-esteem. When you do make mistakes or face setbacks, respond with self-compassion rather than harsh self-criticism.

• Practice noticing self-judgments and letting them go
• Ask: "How would I treat a good friend in this situation?" and apply that to yourself
• Remember: You can accept yourself and still work on personal growth

9. Cultivate persistence and self-development for lasting success

Nothing in the world can take the place of persistence.

Choose to persist. Persistence - continuing despite obstacles - is a value you can choose to live by at any moment. When facing challenges or setbacks, reconnect with this value to find the motivation to keep going. Remember that most worthwhile achievements require sustained effort over time.

Commit to ongoing growth. Adopt a mindset of continuous self-development. Seek out opportunities to learn, improve your skills, and expand your comfort zone. This not only leads to greater success but also builds genuine confidence as you prove to yourself that you can grow and adapt.

• Regularly reflect on your progress and areas for improvement
• Seek honest feedback from trusted mentors or coaches
• Set aside time for deliberate practice in your chosen field

By consistently applying these principles - taking action, managing thoughts and feelings skillfully, living by your values, and embracing both failure and growth - you can develop genuine, lasting confidence and create a rich, meaningful life.

Last updated: January 23, 2025