Controlling People

1. Control is a Misguided Attempt to Connect

Acts against others—whether cold and subtle, such as a contemptuous glance, or hot and explosive, such as a burst of rage—are, paradoxically, both senseless and understandable. And they are also attempts to control.

Control as a substitute. The book posits that controlling behavior, despite its destructive nature, stems from a fundamental human need to connect with others. When individuals feel disconnected from themselves and the world around them, they may resort to controlling tactics as a misguided way to establish a sense of connection and belonging. This perspective reframes controlling behavior not merely as malicious or power-hungry, but as a distorted expression of a basic human desire.

The illusion of closeness. Controllers often believe that their actions are bringing them closer to others, when in reality, they are pushing people away. This disconnect arises from their inability to recognize and respect the individuality and autonomy of others. Instead, they seek to mold others into idealized versions of themselves or their desires, creating a false sense of closeness based on conformity rather than genuine understanding and acceptance.

Examples of control. This can manifest in various ways, from subtle forms of manipulation and verbal abuse to overt acts of aggression and violence. The underlying motive, however, remains the same: to exert control over others in an attempt to alleviate feelings of isolation and powerlessness.

2. Disconnection Fuels the Need to Control

It is our freedom to define ourselves.

Disconnection from self. A key factor driving controlling behavior is a lack of connection to one's own inner self. This disconnection can result from various experiences, including childhood trauma, invalidation of feelings, and societal pressures to conform. When individuals are out of touch with their emotions, intuition, and authentic desires, they may struggle to form genuine connections with others.

The four functions. The book introduces the concept of "four functions" – feeling, sensate, intuitive, and thinking – which are essential for self-awareness and connection. When these functions are impaired or suppressed, individuals may become more vulnerable to disconnection and the subsequent need to control.

Training, trying, and trauma. Disconnection can occur through training (being taught to suppress emotions), trying (attempting to emulate others to gain acceptance), or trauma (experiencing events that overwhelm one's ability to cope). These experiences can lead individuals to distrust their own inner guidance and seek external validation and control.

3. Controllers Build Identities Backwards

In childhood they were our gods, but even gods do not define us.

Outside-in identity. Individuals who are disconnected from their inner selves often construct their identities "backwards," relying on external sources such as societal expectations, cultural norms, and the opinions of others. This results in a fragile and insecure sense of self that is dependent on external validation and control.

The need for validation. Because their identities are not grounded in authentic self-knowledge, controllers often seek constant reassurance and validation from others. This can manifest as a need to be right, to be admired, or to be in control of social situations.

Fragile construction. The backwards construction of self leaves no room for human empathy, warmth, or allowance for error. The opinions, fears, beliefs, likes, and dislikes, rather than being experientially based, are acquired from others, often according to, or in opposition to, parental and cultural dictates.

4. The Spell: A Collection of Illusions

Good people can fall under the spell’s influence.

The influence of the spell. The book introduces the concept of a "spell" to describe the collection of illusions and distorted beliefs that perpetuate controlling behavior. This spell can affect anyone, regardless of their intentions or moral character. It is a pervasive force that can cloud judgment and lead individuals to act in ways that are harmful to themselves and others.

Illusions of the spell. The spell is characterized by a number of key illusions, including the belief that one can define another person, that one's own definition is true, and that others are responsible for one's actions. These illusions create a distorted perception of reality that justifies controlling behavior.

The Teddy Illusion. The "Teddy Illusion" is a metaphor for the tendency to project idealized images onto others, treating them as extensions of oneself rather than as autonomous individuals. This illusion prevents genuine connection and sets the stage for controlling behavior.

5. Signs of Separateness Trigger Control Tactics

To the Controller, love is not wishing a partner the power and strength of their own personal reality, because that personal reality is a sign of separateness.

Individuality as a threat. Controllers often perceive any expression of individuality or autonomy as a threat to their control. This can include having different opinions, pursuing independent interests, or simply expressing emotions that do not align with the controller's expectations.

Control tactics. To maintain their control, controllers may resort to a variety of tactics, including verbal abuse, manipulation, isolation, and even physical violence. These tactics are designed to silence signs of separateness and force others to conform to the controller's will.

Examples of control tactics:

• Diminishing the other person's accomplishments or opinions
• Isolating the other person from friends and family
• Using guilt or threats to manipulate the other person
• Monitoring the other person's activities and communications

6. The Compelling Force: Seeking Connection

The compelling force is so powerful, inexorable, and eternal that it cannot be ignored.

Human consciousness. The book identifies the "compelling force" as human consciousness itself seeking to know and experience its own connectedness. This force is a fundamental aspect of human nature, driving us to seek meaning, purpose, and belonging in the world.

Misguided attempts. When individuals are unable to experience genuine connection, they may resort to controlling behavior as a misguided way to fulfill this need. This highlights the importance of understanding and addressing the underlying drivers of controlling behavior, rather than simply focusing on suppressing its symptoms.

The need to be right. Controllers often have a deep-seated need to be right, as this reinforces their sense of control and validates their fragile identities. This can lead them to dismiss or invalidate the perspectives of others, creating further disconnection and conflict.

7. True Connection: Recognizing Separateness and Interconnectedness

Simply put, feeling connected is perceiving ourselves as a meaningful part of all.

Paradox of connection. The book emphasizes the paradoxical nature of connection, highlighting the importance of both separateness and interconnectedness. True connection requires recognizing and respecting the individuality and autonomy of others, while also acknowledging our shared humanity and interdependence.

Empathy and understanding. Empathetic connection is the means by which we naturally experience our interconnectedness. It flows from one person to another and arises out of our already being connected.

Authenticity and vulnerability. True connection requires authenticity and vulnerability, allowing us to share our true selves with others without fear of judgment or rejection. This can be challenging for controllers, who may have difficulty expressing their emotions or trusting others.

8. Breaking the Spell: A Path to Freedom and Authenticity

The spell can be broken only by remembering how one has fallen under its influence, the words and incantations used.

Awareness is key. The first step in breaking the spell is to become aware of its influence and recognize the illusions that perpetuate controlling behavior. This requires honest self-reflection and a willingness to challenge one's own beliefs and assumptions.

Spellbreaking responses. The book suggests several strategies for breaking the spell, including setting boundaries, challenging controlling behavior, and seeking support from others. These actions can help individuals reclaim their autonomy and create healthier relationships.

Reclaiming freedom. Breaking the spell is a process of reclaiming one's freedom and authenticity. It involves reconnecting with one's inner self, developing a strong sense of identity, and learning to relate to others with empathy and respect.

Last updated: April 22, 2025