Doing Life with Your Adult Children

1. Transition to a new parenting role as children become adults

You must love them enough to let them go.

Redefine your relationship. As your children enter adulthood, it's crucial to shift from a parent-child dynamic to an adult-to-adult relationship. This transition involves:

• Relinquishing control and allowing your children to make their own decisions
• Accepting that your role is now more of a mentor or consultant, offering advice only when asked
• Acknowledging that your children may have different values or lifestyles than you expected

Embrace the change. While this transition can be challenging, it's essential for both you and your adult children to grow. Remember that your goal is to help them become responsible, independent adults. This may involve:

• Grieving the loss of your old parenting role
• Celebrating your children's steps towards independence
• Finding new ways to connect and build a meaningful relationship as adults

2. Maintain relationships by listening more and advising less

Unsolicited advice is usually taken as criticism.

Practice restraint. One of the most challenging aspects of parenting adult children is learning to hold back on giving advice. To maintain a strong relationship:

• Bite your tongue when tempted to offer unsolicited opinions
• Focus on being a supportive listener rather than a problem-solver
• Ask open-ended questions to encourage dialogue without judgment

Earn the right to be heard. When you consistently show respect for your adult children's autonomy, they're more likely to seek your input when they need it. Build trust by:

• Affirming their ability to make their own decisions
• Offering encouragement and emotional support
• Showing genuine interest in their lives without prying

3. Understand and adapt to the changing culture of young adults

You can't ignore your child's culture.

Recognize generational differences. Today's young adults face unique challenges and opportunities that shape their worldview. Key characteristics include:

• Delayed adulthood milestones (marriage, career, financial independence)
• Strong influence of technology and social media
• Changing attitudes towards work, relationships, and spirituality

Bridge the gap. To maintain a strong connection with your adult children:

• Educate yourself about their cultural influences
• Show genuine interest in their perspectives, even if you disagree
• Find common ground and shared experiences to bond over

4. Foster independence by setting boundaries and expectations

They will never know how far the town is if you carry them on your back.

Encourage responsibility. To help your adult children become truly independent:

• Establish clear expectations for financial independence and living arrangements
• Avoid enabling behavior that prolongs dependence
• Create an action plan with specific goals and deadlines for achieving self-sufficiency

Allow natural consequences. Resist the urge to shield your children from the results of their choices. Instead:

• Let them experience the outcomes of their decisions
• Offer emotional support without solving their problems
• Use challenging situations as opportunities for growth and learning

5. Navigate challenging situations with love and patience

Good thing Easter is a season and not just a day, because some resurrections take time.

Maintain perspective. When adult children make choices that violate your values or expectations:

• Remember that good parenting doesn't guarantee problem-free outcomes
• Focus on maintaining the relationship rather than changing their behavior
• Offer unconditional love without condoning harmful choices

Practice tough love. In some cases, setting firm boundaries is necessary:

• Establish clear limits and consequences for unacceptable behavior
• Offer support and resources for addressing serious issues (addiction, mental health)
• Be willing to let go and allow your child to face the natural consequences of their actions

6. Handle financial matters wisely to promote responsibility

Financial independence and responsibility is the goal.

Teach financial literacy. Help your adult children develop sound money management skills:

• Model responsible financial behavior
• Teach basic budgeting, saving, and investing principles
• Encourage delayed gratification and wise spending habits

Create a clear exit strategy. If you're providing financial support:

• Set specific timelines and conditions for ending assistance
• Gradually reduce support to encourage independence
• Avoid cosigning loans or taking on debt on behalf of your children

7. Embrace the role of grandparent as a powerful legacy

Being a grandparent may be your greatest legacy.

Build meaningful connections. As a grandparent, you have a unique opportunity to influence the next generation:

• Be present and engaged in your grandchildren's lives
• Create fun traditions and lasting memories
• Offer unconditional love and support

Share your wisdom. Use your life experience to mentor and guide your grandchildren:

• Share family stories and history
• Teach valuable life skills and moral values
• Provide a sense of continuity and stability across generations

Last updated: November 13, 2024