Key Takeaways
1. Transition to a new parenting role as children become adults
You must love them enough to let them go.
Redefine your relationship. As your children enter adulthood, it's crucial to shift from a parent-child dynamic to an adult-to-adult relationship. This transition involves:
- Relinquishing control and allowing your children to make their own decisions
- Accepting that your role is now more of a mentor or consultant, offering advice only when asked
- Acknowledging that your children may have different values or lifestyles than you expected
Embrace the change. While this transition can be challenging, it's essential for both you and your adult children to grow. Remember that your goal is to help them become responsible, independent adults. This may involve:
- Grieving the loss of your old parenting role
- Celebrating your children's steps towards independence
- Finding new ways to connect and build a meaningful relationship as adults
2. Maintain relationships by listening more and advising less
Unsolicited advice is usually taken as criticism.
Practice restraint. One of the most challenging aspects of parenting adult children is learning to hold back on giving advice. To maintain a strong relationship:
- Bite your tongue when tempted to offer unsolicited opinions
- Focus on being a supportive listener rather than a problem-solver
- Ask open-ended questions to encourage dialogue without judgment
Earn the right to be heard. When you consistently show respect for your adult children's autonomy, they're more likely to seek your input when they need it. Build trust by:
- Affirming their ability to make their own decisions
- Offering encouragement and emotional support
- Showing genuine interest in their lives without prying
3. Understand and adapt to the changing culture of young adults
You can't ignore your child's culture.
Recognize generational differences. Today's young adults face unique challenges and opportunities that shape their worldview. Key characteristics include:
- Delayed adulthood milestones (marriage, career, financial independence)
- Strong influence of technology and social media
- Changing attitudes towards work, relationships, and spirituality
Bridge the gap. To maintain a strong connection with your adult children:
- Educate yourself about their cultural influences
- Show genuine interest in their perspectives, even if you disagree
- Find common ground and shared experiences to bond over
4. Foster independence by setting boundaries and expectations
They will never know how far the town is if you carry them on your back.
Encourage responsibility. To help your adult children become truly independent:
- Establish clear expectations for financial independence and living arrangements
- Avoid enabling behavior that prolongs dependence
- Create an action plan with specific goals and deadlines for achieving self-sufficiency
Allow natural consequences. Resist the urge to shield your children from the results of their choices. Instead:
- Let them experience the outcomes of their decisions
- Offer emotional support without solving their problems
- Use challenging situations as opportunities for growth and learning
5. Navigate challenging situations with love and patience
Good thing Easter is a season and not just a day, because some resurrections take time.
Maintain perspective. When adult children make choices that violate your values or expectations:
- Remember that good parenting doesn't guarantee problem-free outcomes
- Focus on maintaining the relationship rather than changing their behavior
- Offer unconditional love without condoning harmful choices
Practice tough love. In some cases, setting firm boundaries is necessary:
- Establish clear limits and consequences for unacceptable behavior
- Offer support and resources for addressing serious issues (addiction, mental health)
- Be willing to let go and allow your child to face the natural consequences of their actions
6. Handle financial matters wisely to promote responsibility
Financial independence and responsibility is the goal.
Teach financial literacy. Help your adult children develop sound money management skills:
- Model responsible financial behavior
- Teach basic budgeting, saving, and investing principles
- Encourage delayed gratification and wise spending habits
Create a clear exit strategy. If you're providing financial support:
- Set specific timelines and conditions for ending assistance
- Gradually reduce support to encourage independence
- Avoid cosigning loans or taking on debt on behalf of your children
7. Embrace the role of grandparent as a powerful legacy
Being a grandparent may be your greatest legacy.
Build meaningful connections. As a grandparent, you have a unique opportunity to influence the next generation:
- Be present and engaged in your grandchildren's lives
- Create fun traditions and lasting memories
- Offer unconditional love and support
Share your wisdom. Use your life experience to mentor and guide your grandchildren:
- Share family stories and history
- Teach valuable life skills and moral values
- Provide a sense of continuity and stability across generations
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FAQ
What's "Doing Life with Your Adult Children" about?
- Overview: "Doing Life with Your Adult Children" by Jim Burns provides guidance for parents navigating the transition from parenting children to relating to them as adults.
- Focus: The book emphasizes the importance of changing parental roles, offering practical advice on how to maintain healthy relationships with adult children.
- Challenges Addressed: It covers common challenges such as setting boundaries, dealing with financial independence, and respecting adult children's life choices.
- Goal: The ultimate goal is to help parents foster a positive, adult-to-adult relationship with their children.
Why should I read "Doing Life with Your Adult Children"?
- Practical Advice: The book offers down-to-earth, actionable advice for parents struggling with the transition to having adult children.
- Relatable Stories: It includes real-life stories and examples that many parents will find relatable and insightful.
- Expert Endorsements: The book is endorsed by several well-known authors and family experts, adding credibility to its advice.
- Biblical Perspective: For those interested, it provides a biblically-based approach to parenting adult children.
What are the key takeaways of "Doing Life with Your Adult Children"?
- Role Change: Parents must transition from being in control to being mentors and coaches.
- Boundaries and Independence: Setting clear boundaries is crucial for helping adult children become independent.
- Communication: Unsolicited advice is often seen as criticism; listening and respecting adult children is key.
- Cultural Awareness: Understanding the cultural influences on today's young adults can improve parent-child relationships.
What are the best quotes from "Doing Life with Your Adult Children" and what do they mean?
- "Keep Your Mouth Shut and the Welcome Mat Out": This emphasizes the importance of listening over giving unsolicited advice.
- "You’re Fired!": Reflects the need for parents to change their role as their children become adults.
- "They Will Never Know How Far the Town Is If You Carry Them on Your Back": Highlights the importance of allowing children to experience consequences to learn responsibility.
- "Wear Beige and Keep Your Mouth Shut": Advises parents to avoid meddling in their children's marriages and relationships.
How does Jim Burns suggest parents handle financial support for adult children?
- Exit Strategy: Develop a clear plan for ending financial support to encourage independence.
- Teach Responsibility: Educate children on financial principles like budgeting and saving.
- Avoid Enabling: Be cautious not to support poor financial decisions that foster dependency.
- Communication: Discuss financial expectations openly to prevent misunderstandings.
What is the "messy middle" as described in "Doing Life with Your Adult Children"?
- Definition: The "messy middle" refers to the complex space where parents hold onto their values while loving children who may choose different paths.
- Cultural Differences: It acknowledges the cultural shifts that influence young adults today, which can be challenging for parents to navigate.
- Balancing Act: Parents must balance maintaining their moral base with showing unconditional love and support.
- Practical Approach: The book offers strategies for maintaining positive relationships despite these challenges.
How does "Doing Life with Your Adult Children" address the issue of adult children violating family values?
- Tough Love: Encourages setting firm boundaries and allowing children to face the consequences of their actions.
- Maintain Relationship: Stresses the importance of keeping communication open and not becoming a one-topic parent.
- Support and Guidance: Offers guidance on how to support children without enabling poor choices.
- Hope for Redemption: Emphasizes that it's never too late for redemption and positive change.
What advice does Jim Burns give for dealing with in-laws and stepfamilies?
- Respect and Support: Focus on supporting your child's marriage and respecting their partner, even if you don't agree with their choice.
- Avoid Criticism: Refrain from criticizing your in-law or their parenting style to maintain a positive relationship.
- Be Patient: Understand that blending families takes time and effort, and patience is key.
- Celebrate Togetherness: Find ways to celebrate family occasions that include everyone, fostering unity.
How does "Doing Life with Your Adult Children" suggest parents handle adult children who fail to launch?
- Set Boundaries: Establish clear expectations and consequences for adult children living at home.
- Encourage Independence: Foster a sense of responsibility by requiring contributions to household chores and expenses.
- Avoid Helicopter Parenting: Resist the urge to hover and allow children to make their own decisions and mistakes.
- Support Growth: Provide support and encouragement as they work towards independence.
What role does faith play in "Doing Life with Your Adult Children"?
- Biblical Principles: The book uses biblical principles to guide parents in their relationships with adult children.
- Faith Factor: It addresses the challenges of adult children straying from faith and how parents can maintain hope and influence.
- Spiritual Legacy: Encourages parents to focus on leaving a spiritual legacy for their children and grandchildren.
- Prayer and Trust: Emphasizes the importance of prayer and trusting God with the outcomes of their children's lives.
How can grandparents leave a lasting legacy according to "Doing Life with Your Adult Children"?
- Be Present: Actively participate in your grandchildren's lives and create lasting memories.
- Mentorship: Serve as a mentor and advisor, offering wisdom and guidance.
- Celebrate Milestones: Recognize and celebrate important milestones and rites of passage.
- Spiritual Influence: Focus on being a positive spiritual influence and passing down family values.
What are some practical strategies from "Doing Life with Your Adult Children" for maintaining a healthy parent-adult child relationship?
- Communication: Practice open and respectful communication, avoiding unsolicited advice.
- Boundaries: Set and enforce healthy boundaries to promote independence.
- Cultural Understanding: Stay informed about the cultural influences affecting your children.
- Support and Encouragement: Be a source of support and encouragement, focusing on building a positive relationship.
Review Summary
Doing Life with Your Adult Children receives mostly positive reviews for its practical advice on navigating relationships with adult children. Readers appreciate the emphasis on respecting autonomy, offering support without being intrusive, and maintaining healthy boundaries. Many find the Christian perspective helpful, though some feel it's too narrow. The book's advice on communication, finances, and grandparenting is particularly praised. Critics note that it doesn't adequately address dysfunctional family dynamics or legitimate grievances adult children may have. Overall, readers find it a valuable resource for adapting to this new parenting stage.
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