Don't Believe Everything You Feel

1. Emotions are essential to being human, but can be misunderstood

Feelings mean that you are alive.

Emotions define humanity. They are complex psychological and physiological responses that evolved to help us survive and thrive. Unlike machines or robots, humans experience a wide range of feelings, from joy and love to fear and sadness. These emotions serve important functions:

• Warning us of potential dangers
• Motivating us to pursue goals
• Facilitating social bonding and communication
• Helping us make decisions and solve problems

Emotions are often misunderstood. Many people believe that certain emotions are "bad" or should be suppressed. However, all emotions serve a purpose and provide valuable information about our experiences and needs. Understanding the difference between thoughts and feelings is crucial:

• Thoughts are beliefs or statements about facts
• Feelings are subjective experiences that cannot be true or false
• Thoughts can lead to feelings, and feelings can lead to thoughts
• We can have thoughts about our feelings and feelings about our thoughts

2. Validating your feelings is crucial for emotional well-being

To hear the person is to be here for the person.

Validation is essential. When we validate our own feelings or have them validated by others, we acknowledge their legitimacy and importance. This process helps us feel understood, accepted, and less alone in our emotional experiences. Validation involves:

• Encouraging expression of feelings
• Reflecting the pain and suffering
• Making sense of the feeling
• Normalizing the experience
• Differentiating and expanding emotions
• Linking feelings to higher values
• Respecting the moment

Self-validation is powerful. While it's beneficial to have supportive people in our lives, we can also learn to validate our own feelings. This skill involves:

• Noticing and labeling our emotions
• Accepting that emotions are here in the present moment
• Recognizing that other people have similar feelings
• Showing compassion toward ourselves for having difficult emotions

3. Our thoughts about emotions significantly impact our experience

Thoughts are not the opposite of feelings—they are different from feelings.

Cognitive biases affect emotions. Our beliefs and interpretations about emotions can significantly influence how we experience and cope with them. Common cognitive distortions include:

• Mind reading: Assuming we know what others are thinking
• Fortune-telling: Making negative predictions about the future
• Awfulizing: Believing events will be catastrophic and unbearable
• Labeling: Assigning global negative traits to ourselves or others
• Discounting positives: Ignoring or minimizing positive experiences

Challenging negative thoughts. By identifying and questioning our automatic negative thoughts, we can develop more balanced and realistic perspectives. Techniques include:

• Examining evidence for and against the thought
• Considering alternative explanations
• Putting things in perspective
• Asking what advice we would give a friend in the same situation
• Identifying the costs and benefits of holding onto the thought

4. Accepting the full range of emotions leads to a richer life

The goal is to live a life as fully, as open, and as enriched as possible—which may sometimes include the emotions that you don't like having.

Emotional realism is key. Instead of striving for constant happiness or the absence of negative emotions, we can embrace a more realistic view of emotional experiences. This approach involves:

• Recognizing that all emotions are temporary
• Accepting that difficult emotions are part of a full life
• Understanding that emotions provide valuable information
• Allowing ourselves to feel without judgment

Constructive discomfort fosters growth. Many valuable life experiences involve some level of discomfort or challenging emotions. By learning to tolerate and work through these feelings, we can:

• Pursue meaningful goals despite initial anxiety
• Develop resilience and emotional strength
• Expand our comfort zone and personal growth
• Build a life aligned with our values, not just momentary comfort

5. The belief in emotion permanence can exacerbate negative feelings

We tend to go through and get through experiences, and our intense emotions dissipate with time. But it doesn't seem that way when we are feeling anxious, sad, or lonely.

Emotion impermanence is real. Despite how it may feel in the moment, all emotions are temporary states that naturally fluctuate and change over time. Understanding this can help reduce anxiety and hopelessness about negative emotions. Research shows:

• People consistently overestimate how long both positive and negative emotions will last
• Even significant life events (both good and bad) have less long-term emotional impact than we predict

Strategies to challenge permanence beliefs:

• Track emotions over time to observe their natural fluctuation
• Recall past experiences of overcoming difficult emotions
• Imagine your future self looking back on current challenges
• Practice mindfulness to observe the changing nature of emotions
• Focus on problem-solving rather than ruminating on the feeling's duration

6. Guilt about emotions often stems from childhood experiences

Sometimes we learn that certain emotions are bad to have, and then we feel ashamed and guilty about our feelings.

Childhood messages shape emotional beliefs. Many people grow up receiving explicit or implicit messages that certain emotions are unacceptable, weak, or burdensome. These early experiences can lead to:

• Feeling ashamed of natural emotional responses
• Suppressing or denying certain feelings
• Difficulty expressing emotions authentically
• Judging oneself harshly for having "unacceptable" emotions

Overcoming emotional guilt. To develop a healthier relationship with emotions:

• Recognize that all emotions serve a purpose and are part of being human
• Differentiate between feelings and actions (having an emotion doesn't mean acting on it)
• Challenge internalized beliefs about "good" and "bad" emotions
• Practice self-compassion and validate your emotional experiences
• Seek support from others who can provide non-judgmental acceptance

7. Perceived loss of control over emotions can be addressed

You have choices.

Emotional hijacking is common. When we experience intense emotions, it can feel like we've lost control and are at the mercy of our feelings. This perceived lack of control can lead to:

• Anxiety about experiencing strong emotions
• Avoidance of situations that might trigger intense feelings
• Unhealthy coping mechanisms to suppress emotions

Regaining a sense of control. While we can't always control our initial emotional responses, we can influence how we interpret and respond to them:

• Practice identifying and labeling emotions accurately
• Use cognitive restructuring to challenge unhelpful thoughts about emotions
• Develop healthy coping strategies for managing intense feelings
• Learn and practice emotional regulation techniques (e.g., deep breathing, progressive muscle relaxation)
• Gradually expose yourself to feared emotions in a controlled manner

8. Ambivalence is a normal part of complex emotional experiences

Maybe ambivalence is not the problem. Maybe the problem is that you think ambivalence is the problem.

Mixed feelings are natural. Having conflicting emotions about a person, situation, or decision is a normal part of human experience. Ambivalence often reflects the complexity of life and our ability to see multiple perspectives. However, many people struggle with:

• Believing they should feel only one way about something
• Difficulty making decisions when faced with mixed feelings
• Ruminating or seeking excessive reassurance to resolve ambivalence

Embracing ambivalence. Instead of fighting mixed feelings, we can learn to accept and work with them:

• Recognize that ambivalence often reflects the richness and complexity of life
• Understand that decisions can be made even in the presence of mixed feelings
• Practice tolerating uncertainty and imperfection
• Focus on overall patterns and priorities rather than seeking perfect clarity
• Use ambivalence as an opportunity for self-reflection and growth

9. Clarifying personal values helps navigate emotional challenges

To be human is to experience a tapestry of emotions.

Values provide direction. Understanding and connecting with our core values can help us make sense of our emotions and guide our actions, even in difficult times. Benefits of clarifying values include:

• Providing a sense of purpose and meaning
• Helping prioritize what's truly important
• Offering guidance in decision-making
• Increasing resilience in the face of challenges

Identifying and living by values:

1. Reflect on what's most important to you in various life domains
2. Consider the qualities you admire in others
3. Imagine how you'd like to be remembered
4. Identify specific actions that align with your values
5. Practice making choices based on values rather than momentary emotions

10. Unhealthy coping strategies can worsen emotional states

Your strategies for coping with uncomfortable emotions may be a bigger problem than the emotions themselves.

Common problematic coping mechanisms:

• Substance abuse (alcohol, drugs)
• Avoidance and escapism
• Excessive rumination or worry
• Emotional eating or other compulsive behaviors
• Chronic complaining without problem-solving
• Blaming others or external circumstances

These strategies often provide short-term relief but lead to long-term problems, including:

• Intensified negative emotions
• Reduced ability to tolerate discomfort
• Impaired relationships and social support
• Decreased self-efficacy and problem-solving skills

Developing healthier coping strategies:

• Practice mindfulness and acceptance of emotions
• Engage in problem-solving for manageable issues
• Seek social support in productive ways
• Develop relaxation and stress-management techniques
• Cultivate positive activities and experiences
• Consider professional help for persistent difficulties

11. Understanding others' emotions improves relationships

It's not what you say—it's what they hear.

Empathy enhances connection. Developing the ability to understand and respond effectively to others' emotions is crucial for building and maintaining healthy relationships. Common barriers to emotional understanding include:

• Focusing solely on our own perspective
• Making assumptions about others' feelings or motivations
• Responding with criticism, minimization, or problem-solving when validation is needed

Improving emotional understanding:

1. Practice active listening without interrupting or judging
2. Validate others' emotions, even if you don't agree with their perspective
3. Ask open-ended questions to better understand their experience
4. Reflect back what you've heard to ensure accurate understanding
5. Share your own feelings and experiences when appropriate
6. Recognize that people may have complex, mixed emotions
7. Be patient and allow others time to process and express their feelings

By developing these skills, we can create stronger, more supportive relationships and foster a greater sense of emotional connection with others.

Last updated: September 11, 2024