Don't Tell Me to Relax

1. Embrace Your Emotions: They Are Messengers, Not Enemies

Our emotions are like cats. You can ignore them all you want but eventually they will poop in your bed to get your attention.

Emotions as intelligence. Our emotions are not irrational forces to be controlled or suppressed, but valuable sources of information and wisdom. They often signal unmet needs, boundaries that need to be set, or past wounds that require healing. By embracing our emotions, we can tap into their inherent intelligence and use them as guides for personal growth and self-understanding.

The danger of suppression. Ignoring or repressing emotions doesn't make them disappear; it often leads to more intense outbursts or manifests as physical symptoms. Instead of judging our emotions as good or bad, we can practice observing them with curiosity and compassion. This approach allows us to respond more skillfully to life's challenges and develop greater emotional resilience.

Emotional literacy. Developing the ability to identify, name, and understand our emotions is a crucial skill for navigating life's complexities. By increasing our emotional vocabulary and awareness, we can communicate more effectively, make better decisions, and foster deeper connections with ourselves and others.

2. Practice Emotional Alchemy: Transform Reactive Patterns

If it can heal, it can hurt.

The power of pause. When faced with intense emotions or triggering situations, taking a moment to pause can create space for a more intentional response. This brief interruption allows us to step back from our automatic reactions and choose a more aligned course of action.

Unblending technique. Learning to "unblend" from our emotions involves recognizing that we are not our emotions, but rather the awareness experiencing them. This separation creates room for curiosity and compassion towards our emotional states, enabling us to respond more effectively.

Shifting the inner dialogue. By engaging in a compassionate inner dialogue with our emotional parts, we can transform reactive patterns into more adaptive responses. This process involves:

• Acknowledging the emotion without judgment
• Exploring its underlying message or need
• Offering understanding and support to the part of us experiencing the emotion
• Considering alternative perspectives or responses

3. Cultivate Self-Love Through Parts Work

To be heard, you must speak the language of the one you want to listen.

Internal Family Systems. This therapeutic approach views the psyche as composed of various "parts" or subpersonalities. By recognizing and engaging with these different aspects of ourselves, we can foster greater self-understanding and inner harmony.

Self-compassion practice. Cultivating self-love involves treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding we would offer a dear friend. This includes:

• Acknowledging our shared humanity and common struggles
• Offering words of comfort and encouragement to ourselves
• Recognizing that self-criticism often stems from a misguided attempt at self-protection

Integrating all parts. True self-love means embracing all aspects of ourselves, including the parts we find difficult or shameful. By extending curiosity and compassion to these neglected or rejected parts, we can work towards greater wholeness and authenticity.

4. Build Resilience: Bounce Back from Adversity

What matters most is how well you walk through the fire.

Reframe challenges as growth opportunities. Resilience isn't about avoiding difficulties, but developing the capacity to navigate them skillfully. By viewing obstacles as chances for learning and personal development, we can cultivate a growth mindset that enhances our ability to bounce back.

Key factors of resilience:

• Community support
• Strong sense of identity
• Emotional literacy and intelligence
• Positive self-talk
• Spiritual connection or sense of meaning
• Ability to make meaning from experiences
• Resourcefulness and problem-solving skills

Practice self-care and recovery. Just as physical exercise requires rest for muscle growth, emotional resilience is built through cycles of challenge and recovery. Prioritizing self-care, rest, and reflection allows us to integrate lessons learned and replenish our inner resources.

5. Master the Art of Saying No: Set Healthy Boundaries

"No" is golden. "No" is the kind of power the good witch wields.

Discern between nice and kind. Being "nice" often involves people-pleasing and avoiding conflict at the expense of our own needs. Being "kind" means honoring our values and boundaries while still treating others with respect and compassion.

The compassionate no. Learning to say no with kindness and clarity is an essential skill for maintaining healthy relationships and preserving our energy for what truly matters. This involves:

• Acknowledging the request and the person's feelings
• Clearly stating your boundary or limitation
• Offering an alternative if appropriate
• Resisting the urge to over-explain or apologize excessively

Practice self-awareness. Before saying yes to commitments, check in with your body and emotions. Notice any sensations of discomfort or resistance, as these can be valuable signals that a boundary needs to be set.

6. Understand the Neuropsychology of Bias and Identity

Believing is seeing.

Implicit bias. Our brains are wired to make quick judgments based on limited information, which can lead to unconscious biases against people who are different from us. Recognizing this tendency is the first step in addressing and overcoming these biases.

Factors contributing to bias:

• Negativity bias: Our tendency to focus on and remember negative information more readily than positive
• Confirmation bias: Seeking out information that confirms our existing beliefs
• In-group favoritism: Preferring people who are similar to us

Identity affirmation. Embracing and celebrating our various identities (cultural, racial, gender, etc.) can enhance our sense of belonging and resilience. However, it's crucial to balance this with an understanding of our shared humanity and the recognition that identities are fluid and multifaceted.

7. Navigate Difficult Conversations with Compassion

There is always a way for love to be in any situation, and that's by offering it.

Prepare mindfully. Before entering a challenging conversation, take time to:

• Clarify your intentions and desired outcomes
• Ground yourself in your values and compassion
• Acknowledge your own emotions and potential triggers

The Cheesy Sandwich technique. When delivering difficult feedback or addressing conflicts, use this structure:

1. Start with a genuine positive statement or appreciation
2. Address the issue or concern clearly and directly
3. End with another positive statement or expression of care for the relationship

Practice active listening. Focus on truly understanding the other person's perspective rather than formulating your response. This involves:

• Giving your full attention
• Asking clarifying questions
• Reflecting back what you've heard to ensure understanding
• Acknowledging emotions and validating experiences, even if you disagree

8. Respond Skillfully to Call-Outs and Criticism

To be heard, you must speak the language of the one you want to listen.

Pause and reflect. When faced with criticism or call-outs, resist the urge to react immediately. Take time to:

• Breathe and center yourself
• Acknowledge your emotional response without acting on it
• Consider the perspective of the person offering feedback

Seek understanding. Approach the situation with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Ask questions to clarify the concern and show a willingness to learn and grow.

Take responsibility. If you've made a mistake or caused harm, acknowledge it sincerely. Offer a genuine apology and, if appropriate, outline steps you'll take to address the issue or prevent similar situations in the future.

9. Transcend Privilege Guilt: Work Towards Collective Liberation

If you have come here to help me you are wasting your time, but if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.

Acknowledge privilege without shame. Recognizing our areas of privilege is important, but wallowing in guilt is unproductive. Instead, focus on using your privilege as a tool for creating positive change and amplifying marginalized voices.

Embrace both/and thinking. Recognize that working towards social justice involves holding multiple truths simultaneously:

• We can acknowledge systemic inequalities while also celebrating progress
• We can critique oppressive systems while still finding joy and meaning in life
• We can recognize our own struggles while also acknowledging our relative privilege

Take action for collective liberation. Rather than trying to "save" or "help" marginalized groups, focus on dismantling the systems that create and perpetuate inequality. This involves:

• Educating yourself about social justice issues
• Using your platform and resources to amplify marginalized voices
• Engaging in ongoing self-reflection and growth
• Participating in collective action and community organizing efforts

Last updated: August 23, 2024