The Art of Gathering

1. Purpose is the foundation of meaningful gatherings

A gathering's purpose doesn't have to be formal, stiff, or self-important. It doesn't have to be philanthropic or achieve some social good.

Define your purpose. A clear, specific purpose is crucial for any gathering, whether it's a dinner party, work meeting, or conference. It should be unique, disputable, and guide your decisions about the event. Avoid generic purposes like "to network" or "to celebrate." Instead, dig deeper to uncover the real reason for bringing people together.

Let purpose guide decisions. Use your gathering's purpose as a filter for every decision, from guest list to venue to activities. This ensures cohesion and creates a more impactful experience. For example, if your purpose is to foster cross-generational understanding, you might choose activities that encourage sharing personal stories across age groups.

Examples of strong purposes:

• To challenge assumptions about what it means to be a leader in our industry
• To create a safe space for vulnerable conversations about racial identity
• To ignite passion for environmental conservation through hands-on experiences

2. Thoughtful exclusion creates stronger connections

Freedom for the wolves has often meant death to the sheep.

Quality over quantity. Contrary to popular belief, more isn't always merrier when it comes to gatherings. Thoughtful exclusion can create a more focused, intimate, and meaningful experience for those who attend. This doesn't mean being elitist, but rather ensuring that everyone present contributes to and benefits from the gathering's purpose.

Consider group dynamics. When deciding whom to invite, think about how different personalities and backgrounds will interact. Sometimes, inviting fewer people or leaving out certain individuals can lead to more open and productive conversations. For example, in a work context, excluding higher-level executives from a brainstorming session might allow junior employees to speak more freely.

Communicate exclusion gracefully:

• Be clear about the gathering's purpose and why it's limited to certain people
• Offer alternative ways for excluded individuals to contribute or participate
• Consider creating separate gatherings for different groups if necessary

3. Generous authority enhances guest experience

Gatherings that please everyone occur, but they rarely thrill.

Take charge with purpose. As a host, embracing your authority doesn't mean being controlling or domineering. Instead, it means using your power to create the best possible experience for your guests. This includes setting clear expectations, managing the flow of the event, and addressing any issues that arise.

Protect, equalize, and connect. Use your authority to:

• Protect guests from disruptive behavior or uncomfortable situations
• Create a level playing field where all guests feel equally valued
• Facilitate meaningful connections between participants

Examples of generous authority:

• Addressing a dominant speaker to ensure others have a chance to contribute
• Rearranging seating to encourage mixing between different groups
• Stepping in to resolve conflicts or misunderstandings between guests

4. Create a temporary alternative world with pop-up rules

Gatherings that are willing to be alienating—which is different from being alienating—have a better chance to dazzle.

Establish unique norms. Create a set of temporary rules or norms that differentiate your gathering from everyday life. These pop-up rules can encourage new behaviors, foster connections, and create a sense of shared experience among participants.

Balance structure and freedom. While rules might seem restrictive, they can actually create more freedom by providing a clear framework for interaction. This can help guests feel more comfortable taking risks or trying new things within the context of the gathering.

Examples of effective pop-up rules:

• No discussing work or sharing last names until after dinner
• Everyone must contribute a personal story to the group
• Phones must be turned off and placed in a designated area

5. Prime guests for engagement before the gathering begins

Your gathering begins at the moment your guests first learn of it.

Start hosting early. The priming phase begins from the moment guests learn about your gathering. Use this time to set expectations, build excitement, and prepare participants for the experience ahead. This can include everything from the wording of your invitation to pre-event communication and activities.

Create anticipation and readiness. Thoughtful priming can:

• Get guests in the right mindset for the gathering
• Encourage preparation or reflection before the event
• Build a sense of shared purpose among participants

Priming techniques:

• Send thought-provoking questions or readings in advance
• Create a themed playlist for guests to listen to before arriving
• Ask participants to bring a specific object or prepare a short story

6. Open with impact and close with intention

In the first few moments of a gathering, we are all Neo Muyanga, reading cues and asking ourselves: What do I think of this gathering? Am I in good hands?

Make a strong first impression. The opening of your gathering sets the tone for everything that follows. Avoid starting with logistics or announcements. Instead, focus on creating an experience that immediately engages participants and communicates the gathering's purpose.

Create a meaningful ending. Just as important as the opening, the closing of your gathering should leave a lasting impression. Help participants reflect on their experience, connect it to their lives outside the gathering, and transition back to the "real world."

Elements of effective openings and closings:

• A ritual or activity that marks the transition into and out of the gathering space
• A powerful story or statement that encapsulates the gathering's purpose
• A moment of collective reflection or sharing
• A clear signal that the gathering has ended (avoid letting it fizzle out)

7. Encourage authenticity and meaningful controversy

Good controversy is the kind of contention that helps people look more closely at what they care about, when there is danger but also real benefit in doing so.

Create safe spaces for real talk. Design your gathering to encourage authentic sharing and meaningful disagreement. This doesn't mean creating conflict for its own sake, but rather allowing space for genuine differences of opinion and perspective to emerge.

Structure controversy productively. When introducing controversial topics or encouraging debate, provide a clear framework and ground rules to ensure the conversation remains constructive and respectful.

Benefits of good controversy:

• Deeper engagement and investment from participants
• Opportunities for learning and perspective-shifting
• Stronger connections forged through honest dialogue

8. Design for connection and transformation

I believe that everyone has the ability to gather well.

Facilitate meaningful interactions. Beyond simply bringing people together, focus on creating opportunities for genuine connection and growth. This might involve structured activities, facilitated discussions, or carefully designed spaces that encourage organic interaction.

Aim for lasting impact. The true measure of a gathering's success is often the change it creates in participants' lives after the event has ended. Consider how you can support ongoing connection and action beyond the gathering itself.

Strategies for transformative gatherings:

• Incorporate elements of vulnerability and shared experience
• Provide opportunities for skill-building or personal growth
• Create mechanisms for follow-up and continued engagement after the gathering
• Design moments of reflection and integration throughout the event

Last updated: January 22, 2025