Evolving in Monkey Town

1. Growing Up with Certainty in Monkey Town

I was a fundamentalist because my security and self-worth and sense of purpose in life were all wrapped up in getting God right - in believing the right things about him, saying the right things about him, and convincing others to embrace the right things about him too.

Early life. Raised in a conservative evangelical home in Birmingham, Alabama, and later Dayton, Tennessee (known as "Monkey Town" after the Scopes Trial), the author experienced a childhood steeped in Christian culture and certainty. Faith felt like a secret society, then a majority identity tied to political and cultural stances like protecting the traditional family and keeping prayer in schools.

Apologetics training. Influenced by her theologian father and the prevailing evangelical culture wars of the 80s and 90s, she learned to defend her faith using apologetics. This involved having ready answers for skeptics and viewing the world through a "biblical worldview," believing that Christianity provided the only adequate answers to life's ultimate questions.

Seeking validation. This environment fostered a desire for religious validation, exemplified by her strategic pursuit of the "Best Christian Attitude Award." This early drive to "get God right" and defend her beliefs became deeply intertwined with her sense of security and purpose, setting the stage for future challenges when her certainties were shaken.

2. Apologetics Provided Answers, But Not for Real Life

To be caught unready, like William Jennings Bryan on the witness stand, equaled outright disobedience to God and characterized what Francis Shaeffer called the "great evangelical disaster" of thoughtless faith.

Prepared for debates. Evangelical culture, particularly through the apologetics movement, emphasized being ready to defend faith against perceived threats like evolution, secular humanism, and pluralism. The author was trained to dismantle opposing worldviews and provide rational arguments for Christian truth claims, seeing the Bible as the ultimate weapon in this intellectual warfare.

Real-world disconnect. However, upon entering the "real world" after college, the author found that people weren't asking the questions she was prepared to answer. They weren't debating the scientific feasibility of miracles or the deity of Christ. Instead, they questioned Christian behavior, hypocrisy, and lack of compassion.

Unprepared for compassion. The training focused on winning arguments and defending doctrine, but it didn't equip her to respond to questions about suffering, injustice, or why Christians weren't doing more to alleviate human pain. The intellectual armor felt useless against the emotional and ethical challenges posed by real-world experiences and interactions.

3. A Faith Crisis Sparked by Suffering and Exclusivism

Suddenly abstract concepts about heaven and hell, election and free will, religious pluralism and exclusivism had a name: Zarmina.

Zarmina's execution. Witnessing the televised execution of Zarmina, an Afghan Muslim woman, triggered a profound faith crisis. The author grappled with the idea that Zarmina, having lived a life of suffering, would also face eternal damnation simply for not being Christian, according to the theology she had been taught.

Problem of evil. This event brought the abstract problem of evil and the destiny of the unevangelized into sharp, personal focus. Questions about God's goodness, fairness, and mercy became urgent and painful, extending to other victims of injustice throughout history, such as Holocaust victims.

Doubt's avalanche. Allowing herself to ask these questions opened the door to an avalanche of doubts about core beliefs:

• God's justice in commanding genocide in the Old Testament.
• The fairness of predestination and eternal damnation.
• The Bible's accuracy and interpretation on issues like slavery and misogyny.
• The fear of confronting scientific evidence for evolution.

4. Wrestling with Doubt and the "Cosmic Lottery"

Had I lived in this very spot in the Appalachian mountains just two thousand years earlier, I know for a fact I would not have accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior, mainly because I would have never heard of the guy.

Questioning fairness. The author struggled deeply with the perceived unfairness of eternal destiny being determined largely by geographical and historical accident – the "cosmic lottery." It seemed arbitrary that her salvation was secured simply by being born in a Christian family in the US in the late 20th century.

Betrayal by God. This led to questioning God's goodness and eventually his existence. The feeling was akin to being betrayed by a loved one, leading to doubts about whether the relationship or the loved one's character was ever real.

Alienating others. Her public wrestling with these doubts, particularly the idea that non-Christians might not all go to hell, alienated some friends and family. She was accused of letting emotion dictate theology and received responses rooted in "pond-scum theology," which emphasizes human worthlessness and God's arbitrary mercy.

5. Encountering Jesus: Compassion Over Certainty

Nothing is quite so absurd or profound as the notion of the Great I AM walking around with dirt between his toes.

Reading the Gospels. As a last resort, the author decided to read the Gospels, seeking an explanation of God through Jesus, "God in sandals." She found that Jesus was not the apologist she expected; he used questions and stories, didn't provide bullet-point answers, and didn't make following him easy or logical.

Focus on the marginalized. She noticed Jesus' special relationship with the downtrodden, oppressed, and marginalized:

• Women, tax collectors, sick people, minorities, sinners.
• Welcoming children and washing feet.
• Being "moved with compassion" for the crowds.

Faith as obedience. Crucially, she saw that Jesus framed faith not as intellectual assent to doctrines ("belief alone") but as obedience and a dramatic change in lifestyle. The Sermon on the Mount emphasized love for enemies, generosity, non-judgment, and living simply, challenging conventional notions of righteousness.

6. Discovering Hope in Diverse Interpretations of Salvation

We do know that no person can be saved except through Christ... We do not know that only those who know Him can be saved by Him.

Challenging exclusivism. The author found the traditional evangelical stance that only born-again Christians go to heaven increasingly difficult to reconcile with her conscience and her understanding of a merciful God. This led her to explore alternative interpretations within Christian tradition.

Diversity of thought. She discovered that throughout Christian history, theologians have wrestled with and disagreed on the destiny of the unevangelized and the wideness of God's mercy. Figures like C.S. Lewis offered perspectives that allowed for salvation through Christ even for those who don't explicitly know him.

Beyond information. The Bible, she realized, doesn't definitively state that salvation requires a specific amount of information or adherence to particular creeds. Instead, it emphasizes faith and responsiveness to conscience, suggesting God's witness is present even among those without explicit knowledge of the gospel.

7. Experiences in India Challenged Assumptions About Faith and Wealth

For Laxmi, meeting Jesus had little to do with a transfer of information or a statement of belief and everything to do with outstretched hands offering food and shelter.

Sensory overload and insight. A trip to India, initially feared as a trigger for her faith crisis due to its religious diversity, instead offered new perspectives. The overwhelming sensory experience eventually gave way to noticing details and connecting with people on a deeper level.

Laxmi's story. Meeting Laxmi, an HIV-positive widow who found hope and salvation through Christians who offered practical help, was transformative. Laxmi's faith was rooted in tangible acts of love and care, not just theological propositions.

Gospel in action. In India, the author saw the gospel making sense among the "untouchables" and marginalized. Christians living among the poor, taking in the sick, and giving generously embodied Jesus' teachings in a powerful way that challenged the author's previous, more intellectualized understanding of faith.

8. "God Things" and the Upside-Down Kingdom

What bothers me about God things is that they remind me of the cosmic lottery - that sobering dichotomy between the world's rich and the world's poor, between the lucky and the unlucky - which has always been a sticking point in my own fitful walk with God.

Questioning blessings. The author became cynical about the concept of "God things" as applied to material blessings like scholarships, new cars, or avoiding travel delays during a hurricane. This felt arbitrary and inconsistent with the suffering she saw elsewhere in the world.

Measuring goodness. She questioned a God whose goodness seemed measured by arbitrary material gifts, especially when orphans like Kanakaraju lost their mother despite prayers. This contrasted sharply with the joy and spiritual connectedness she witnessed among the poor in India, who prayed for basic needs and didn't always receive them.

Kingdom reversal. Jesus' teachings, particularly the parable of the great banquet and the Beatitudes, suggest the "cosmic lottery" is reversed in the kingdom of heaven. The poor, hungry, and weeping are blessed, while the rich and well-fed face woe. This implies that material wealth and comfort can be disadvantages in accessing the kingdom, while suffering can provide a special access point.

9. The Bible: A Complex Text, Not Just a Weapon

The Bible is by far the most fascinating, beautiful, challenging, and frustrating work of literature I've ever encountered.

Sword drills and daggers. Growing up, the Bible was presented as a weapon ("sword of truth") to be used in "sword drills" and theological debates. This led to Christians using specific verses as "daggers" against each other or perceived outsiders, often focusing on passages condemning others while ignoring those condemning themselves.

Inconsistencies and tensions. The author struggled with apparent contradictions and troubling passages in the Bible:

• God ordering genocide vs. Jesus welcoming children.
• Misogynistic elements vs. Jesus empowering women.
• Passages emphasizing wrath vs. those emphasizing mercy.

Interpretation is key. She realized that interpretations are not inerrant and are colored by culture, experience, and bias. The phrase "pick and choose" is often used defensively, but all readers interpret selectively. How one interprets the Bible reveals as much about the reader as about God.

10. False Fundamentals Hinder Faith's Adaptation

False fundamentals make it impossible for faith to adapt to change.

Entangled with extras. The author observed that the gospel often gets entangled with "extras" – political positions, lifestyle requirements, unspoken rules – that are not essential but are treated as fundamental. This creates a heavy yoke that burdens believers and drives people away.

Cost of false fundamentals. Adhering rigidly to false fundamentals makes faith vulnerable to extinction when the environment changes (e.g., scientific discoveries, cultural shifts, exposure to other perspectives). People are forced to choose between their faith and their intellectual integrity, compassion, or new experiences.

Augustine's warning. Saint Augustine warned against taking firm stands on obscure matters in Scripture, lest one's faith fall when that position is undermined. The author argues that many have abandoned Christianity because they were told they had to reject reason or compassion to maintain their faith in the face of changing understanding.

11. Faith is Found in Love and Living the Questions

Taking on the yoke of Jesus is not about signing a doctrinal statement or making an intellectual commitment to a set of beliefs; it is about learning to love God and love others.

Doubt as salvation. The author's journey through doubt ultimately saved her faith. Questioning her certainties led her to a more resilient faith, one that could adapt to change and embrace complexity.

Jesus' light yoke. Jesus' summary of the law – love God and love your neighbor – is presented as the true, light yoke of Christianity. This simple, profound command is where "All the Law and the Prophets hang."

Liberation in obedience. Following Jesus means liberation from sin, not just salvation from hell. Living out his teachings – loving enemies, giving generously, non-judgment, caring for the poor – loosens the chains of bitterness, selfishness, and fear, offering freedom in the here and now. Faith is not just belief; it is embodying love and living the questions.

Last updated: May 18, 2025