F*ck Feelings

1. Accept life's unfairness and focus on what you can control

There are limits to what you can do to change yourself, and recognizing these limits is essential to managing bad behaviors, bad pieces of your personality, even bad taste in shoes.

Life is unfair. Accepting this fundamental truth is the first step towards personal growth and happiness. Instead of fighting against unchangeable circumstances, focus your energy on what you can control:

• Your reactions to situations
• Your habits and behaviors
• Your choices and decisions

Embrace your limitations. Recognize that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. Rather than trying to change core aspects of your personality, work on managing your behaviors and developing coping strategies:

• Identify your triggers and patterns
• Develop strategies to mitigate negative behaviors
• Celebrate your unique qualities and strengths

2. Don't let self-improvement become self-sabotage

Eventually, striving to improve yourself brings diminishing returns and prevents you from accepting yourself and living with what you've got.

Balance is key. While self-improvement can be beneficial, obsessing over perfection can be detrimental to your mental health and overall well-being. Instead of constantly trying to fix yourself:

• Set realistic goals and expectations
• Celebrate small victories and progress
• Practice self-compassion and acceptance

Recognize your worth. Your value as a person is not determined by your productivity, achievements, or constant self-improvement. Focus on:

• Cultivating self-acceptance
• Appreciating your inherent worth
• Finding joy in the present moment, rather than always striving for a better future self

3. Build self-esteem through actions, not feelings

Doing what you believe is worthwhile is the only source of real self-esteem, even if doing so makes you feel inferior, exposed, and ashamed in the short run.

Actions speak louder than feelings. True self-esteem comes from living according to your values and taking meaningful action, not from temporary boosts in confidence or external validation. To build lasting self-esteem:

• Identify your core values and principles
• Set goals aligned with these values
• Take consistent action towards your goals, even when it's uncomfortable

Embrace discomfort. Growth often requires stepping out of your comfort zone. Remember that:

• Feeling uncomfortable doesn't mean you're doing something wrong
• Challenges and setbacks are opportunities for learning and growth
• Persistence in the face of difficulty builds resilience and genuine self-esteem

4. Embrace life's challenges instead of seeking fairness

If you accept that life is sometimes imposes indefinite enmity on you, then you're ready to learn how to endure it for as long as necessary without breaking, feeling you've failed, or becoming a heel/Trump and learning to love it too much.

Life isn't fair, but it's still good. Instead of expecting fairness or justice in every situation, focus on developing resilience and adaptability. This mindset shift allows you to:

• Navigate difficulties with grace and determination
• Find opportunities for growth in challenging situations
• Maintain your integrity and values, even when others don't

Let go of resentment. Holding onto anger over perceived injustices only hurts you in the long run. Practice:

• Acceptance of situations beyond your control
• Forgiveness (of others and yourself) as a tool for personal freedom
• Focusing on solutions rather than dwelling on problems

5. Rethink helpfulness to avoid enabling harmful behavior

Helping indiscriminately—reacting reflexively instead of thoughtfully—does harm when it's misdirected, misappropriates resources, and raises risks.

Help wisely. While the desire to help others is admirable, it's crucial to ensure that your assistance is truly beneficial and not enabling harmful behaviors. Before offering help:

• Assess the situation objectively
• Consider potential long-term consequences
• Set clear boundaries and expectations

Empower, don't enable. True helpfulness often involves teaching others to help themselves. Focus on:

• Providing tools and resources for self-sufficiency
• Encouraging personal responsibility
• Supporting healthy choices and behaviors

6. Manage stress and negative emotions without eliminating them

Remember that the Serenity Prayer, which is central to twelve-step methodology, isn't a prayer to end stress and anger, but for the clarity of mind and the humility to deal with whatever life inevitably throws at you.

Emotions are information. Instead of trying to eliminate stress and negative emotions, learn to manage and use them constructively. This involves:

• Recognizing and naming your emotions
• Understanding the underlying causes of your feelings
• Using emotions as guides for decision-making and personal growth

Develop coping strategies. Build a toolkit of healthy ways to manage stress and difficult emotions:

• Practice mindfulness and meditation
• Engage in regular physical exercise
• Cultivate supportive relationships
• Seek professional help when needed

7. Approach love and relationships with realistic expectations

Love and hate aren't that dissimilar; both evoke the kind of passionate, heated, needy feelings that create more problems than they solve.

Love isn't a cure-all. While love can bring joy and fulfillment, it's not a solution to all of life's problems. Approach relationships with realistic expectations:

• Recognize that all relationships require effort and compromise
• Understand that your partner can't complete you or solve all your problems
• Focus on building a partnership based on mutual respect and shared values

Choose wisely. Instead of getting swept away by intense feelings, take a thoughtful approach to relationships:

• Identify your core values and non-negotiables
• Look for compatibility in life goals and communication styles
• Pay attention to red flags and trust your instincts

8. Communicate effectively by knowing when to speak and when to listen

If you can ignore the terrible meltdown feeling and take credit for how you're handling the problem, rather than getting carried away or feeling too responsible, you'll have much to be proud of and many more options to consider.

Effective communication is a skill. It's not just about expressing yourself, but also about knowing when to listen and when to stay silent. To improve your communication:

• Practice active listening without immediately formulating a response
• Consider the impact of your words before speaking
• Learn to express yourself assertively, not aggressively

Choose your battles. Not every thought or feeling needs to be expressed. Before communicating, ask yourself:

• Is this necessary?
• Is this helpful?
• Is this the right time and place?

9. Navigate parenting challenges with acceptance and adaptability

Accepting the fact that life, in fact, sucks, and the tons of bad stuff to be born and/or stuck with is distributed unevenly, unfairly, and undeservedly, recovery from addiction becomes much less impossible.

Parenting is imperfect. Accept that you can't control everything about your child's life or development. Focus on:

• Providing love, support, and guidance
• Adapting your parenting style to your child's unique needs
• Modeling resilience and healthy coping strategies

Let go of guilt. Understand that parenting challenges are normal and not a reflection of your worth as a parent. Practice:

• Self-compassion when facing difficulties
• Seeking support from other parents or professionals
• Celebrating small victories and moments of connection with your child

10. Recognize and manage interactions with difficult people (Assholes)

Simply put, an Asshole is someone who behaves like a jerk and doesn't see it. These aren't people you call Assholes because you're angry; they're Assholes because of the specific way they behave.

Identify Assholes. Learn to recognize difficult people who consistently behave badly without self-awareness. Common traits include:

• Lack of empathy or consideration for others
• Inability to take responsibility for their actions
• Consistent patterns of manipulative or abusive behavior

Protect yourself. When dealing with Assholes, prioritize your well-being:

• Set clear boundaries and enforce them consistently
• Minimize contact when possible
• Don't take their behavior personally – it's about them, not you

11. Seek mental health treatment wisely and with realistic expectations

Treatment happens to put food on our table, but it's rarely our first recommendation for any problem; it can be expensive and time-consuming, and if you enter it with unrealistic expectations, ineffective or even damaging.

Treatment is a tool, not a cure. Approach mental health treatment as one of many strategies for managing life's challenges. When considering treatment:

• Research different types of therapy and their potential benefits
• Set realistic goals and expectations
• Be an active participant in your treatment plan

Choose wisely. Finding the right treatment and provider is crucial. Consider:

• The therapist's experience and approach
• Your personal comfort level and rapport with the provider
• The potential costs and time commitment involved

Remember that seeking help is a sign of strength, not weakness. Be patient with the process and open to adjusting your approach as needed.

Last updated: October 3, 2024