Key Takeaways
1. Redefine Feedback: A Tool for Growth, Not Punishment
Clear and specific information that's sought or extended with the sole intention of helping individuals or groups improve, grow, or advance.
Feedback has a branding problem. Years of misuse have tainted our perception of feedback, associating it with punishment, shame, and manipulation. This negative connotation has created a paradox where people crave feedback but are reluctant to seek or provide it.
To fix feedback, we must redefine it as a positive tool for growth and improvement. This new definition emphasizes:
- Clarity and specificity
- The act of seeking or extending information
- A sole intention of helping others improve, grow, or advance
By shifting our perspective, we can transform feedback from a dreaded experience to a valuable opportunity for personal and professional development.
2. The Science Behind Our Feedback Fear
Fear, negative leanings, and an often-distorted view of our place in the world are all part of what makes us human.
Our brains are wired for survival, not feedback. The "fight, flight, or freeze" response, which served our ancestors well in life-threatening situations, can be triggered by emotional threats like feedback. This primitive reaction can lead to defensive behaviors or complete shutdown during feedback conversations.
Understanding the science behind our feedback fear helps us manage our responses:
- Recognize that the fear response is natural but often unnecessary in feedback situations
- Practice techniques like deep breathing to calm the nervous system
- Shift focus from your emotional response to the factual content of the feedback
By acknowledging and managing our innate reactions, we can create a more conducive environment for productive feedback exchanges.
3. Fairness, Focus, and Frequency: The Three Fs of Effective Feedback
Every great feedback experience is anchored in fairness, focus, and frequency.
The three Fs create a safe environment for feedback. Fairness ensures that feedback is unbiased and trustworthy. Focus keeps feedback specific and actionable. Frequency builds feedback into a regular, less intimidating practice.
Implementing the three Fs:
- Fairness: Be aware of personal biases and strive for objectivity
- Focus: Provide specific, targeted feedback on one aspect at a time
- Frequency: Make feedback a regular, ongoing practice rather than an infrequent event
By adhering to these principles, organizations can create a culture where feedback is welcomed and effective.
4. Embrace the Fine Art of Noticing
Noticing is observing without judgment.
Observation without judgment is powerful. The Fine Art of Noticing (FAN) involves paying attention to behaviors, actions, and outcomes without attaching personal opinions or emotions. This practice allows for more objective and constructive feedback.
Key aspects of FAN:
- Focus on specific, observable behaviors
- Describe actions and their effects without evaluating
- Use neutral language to convey observations
By mastering the art of noticing, we can provide more helpful and less threatening feedback, fostering an environment of continuous improvement.
5. Seekers Lead the Feedback Revolution
Seeking, not knowing. Learning, not always telling.
Proactively seeking feedback is empowering. By taking the initiative to ask for feedback, individuals gain control over their growth and development. Seeking feedback also demonstrates humility and a commitment to improvement.
Benefits of being a Seeker:
- Choose the timing and focus of feedback
- Build trust and strengthen relationships
- Increase likelihood of acting on feedback received
Strategies for effective seeking:
- Be specific about the feedback you want
- Ask in advance to allow time for preparation
- Follow up and show appreciation for the feedback received
6. Receivers: Manage Emotions and Extract Value
When you receive a tasty morsel of positive feedback, do you feel yourself actively listening, or do you default to minimizing the impact of your contribution or deflecting all the credit to others?
Receiving feedback skillfully requires emotional management. Our natural tendency to focus on negative information can skew our perception of feedback. Learning to receive feedback effectively involves managing emotional responses and extracting valuable insights.
Tips for receiving feedback:
- Practice the "feedback short, reflection long" principle
- Assume positive intent from the feedback provider
- Ask clarifying questions to understand the feedback fully
- Focus on future improvement rather than past mistakes
By developing these skills, receivers can transform potentially uncomfortable feedback situations into opportunities for growth and learning.
7. Extenders: Connect, Share Facts, and Focus on the Future
Descriptive, data-rich, neutral, and direct feedback informs and enlightens us.
Effective feedback extension requires skill and intention. When providing feedback, focus on building connections, sharing factual observations, and orienting the conversation towards future improvement.
Key principles for extending feedback:
- Connect first: Build trust and rapport before sharing feedback
- Stick to the facts: Describe specific behaviors and their effects
- Focus on the future: Discuss how the feedback can lead to growth and improvement
By following these guidelines, extenders can provide feedback that is more likely to be well-received and acted upon.
8. Leaders Must Model the Way in Seeking and Receiving Feedback
Leaders need to walk the talk.
Leadership sets the tone for feedback culture. When leaders actively seek and graciously receive feedback, they demonstrate the value of this practice and create a safe environment for others to do the same.
Ways leaders can model feedback behavior:
- Regularly ask for feedback from team members at all levels
- Share how they've applied feedback to improve their own performance
- Acknowledge mistakes and show vulnerability
By consistently modeling these behaviors, leaders can drive a cultural shift towards more open and effective feedback practices.
9. Break the Feedback Sandwich Habit
If you're slapping a sh*t sandwich together, especially if you're known to do it repeatedly, the Receiver will have no problem sniffing it out.
The feedback sandwich is ineffective and undermines trust. This common practice of sandwiching negative feedback between two pieces of positive feedback often feels insincere and can dilute the impact of both the praise and the criticism.
Better alternatives to the feedback sandwich:
- Provide positive feedback freely and frequently, separate from improvement feedback
- When addressing areas for improvement, be direct and focus on specific behaviors
- Use the CONNECT model for structured feedback conversations
By abandoning the feedback sandwich, we can create more honest and impactful feedback interactions.
10. Increase Feedback Frequency for Better Learning and Performance
The secret sauce of frequency is its informal and spontaneous nature.
Frequent feedback accelerates learning and performance improvement. Regular, bite-sized feedback is more digestible and actionable than infrequent, comprehensive reviews.
Benefits of frequent feedback:
- Allows for timely course corrections
- Reduces anxiety associated with formal feedback sessions
- Reinforces positive behaviors more effectively
Strategies for increasing feedback frequency:
- Implement "Feedback Fridays" or other regular check-ins
- Encourage peer-to-peer feedback
- Use technology to facilitate quick feedback exchanges
By making feedback a daily practice, organizations can create a culture of continuous improvement and learning.
11. Create a Culture of Positive Connections and Trust
Five to one. Remember that ratio!
Trust is the foundation of effective feedback. Building a culture of positive connections and trust creates an environment where feedback can flourish. The Gottman 5:1 ratio suggests that for every negative interaction, there should be five positive ones to maintain a healthy relationship.
Ways to build trust and positive connections:
- Practice active listening and empathy
- Recognize and appreciate contributions regularly
- Engage in collaborative problem-solving
By fostering a culture of trust and positive interactions, organizations can create an environment where feedback is welcomed and valued as a tool for growth and improvement.
Last updated:
FAQ
1. What is "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" by M. Tamra Chandler about?
- Rebranding Feedback: The book explores why feedback is often feared and misunderstood in organizations, and how to transform it into a positive, growth-oriented practice.
- Practical Frameworks: It provides actionable frameworks, models, and tools for individuals and organizations to improve how they seek, receive, and extend feedback.
- Organizational Focus: While feedback is a universal topic, the book specifically targets workplace environments, aiming to make feedback a core part of healthy organizational culture.
- Movement for Change: The author advocates for a collective movement to fix feedback, emphasizing the need for trust, connection, and a new definition of feedback.
2. Why should I read "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" by M. Tamra Chandler?
- Overcome Feedback Fear: The book addresses the common fear and discomfort around feedback, offering science-backed strategies to overcome them.
- Boost Performance and Engagement: It demonstrates how effective feedback practices can drive individual and organizational performance, engagement, and growth.
- Actionable Advice: Readers gain practical tips, conversation models (like CONNECT), and real-world scenarios to apply immediately in their work lives.
- Culture Transformation: The book is ideal for leaders, managers, and employees who want to create a culture where feedback is welcomed, not dreaded.
3. What are the key takeaways from "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" by M. Tamra Chandler?
- Feedback Needs Rebranding: Most people and organizations have a dysfunctional relationship with feedback due to negative experiences and misconceptions.
- Trust is Foundational: Building trust and human connections is essential for feedback to be effective and safe.
- Three Fs of Feedback: Fairness, Focus, and Frequency are the pillars of impactful feedback.
- Growth Mindset Matters: Adopting a growth mindset is crucial for both giving and receiving feedback productively.
4. How does M. Tamra Chandler define feedback in "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)"?
- New Definition: Feedback is "clear and specific information that’s sought or extended with the sole intention of helping individuals or groups improve, grow, or advance."
- Intentional and Helpful: The focus is on feedback being helpful, not punitive or judgmental.
- Specific and Actionable: Feedback should be detailed enough to inspire action and improvement.
- Mutual Process: It involves both seeking and extending, not just top-down delivery.
5. What are the main reasons people fear feedback, according to "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)"?
- Evolutionary Response: The brain’s "fight, flight, freeze, or appease" response is triggered by perceived threats to identity and connection.
- Negative Experiences: Early and repeated negative feedback experiences condition people to associate feedback with criticism and pain.
- Negativity Bias: Humans process and remember negative information more strongly than positive, making bad feedback stickier.
- Fear of Isolation: At the core, people fear feedback will lead to rejection or loss of belonging.
6. What is the "Three Fs" framework in "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" and why is it important?
- Fairness: Feedback must be unbiased, descriptive, and free from judgment to be trusted and effective.
- Focus: Feedback should be specific, targeted, and concise—delivered in bite-sized, actionable pieces.
- Frequency: Regular, informal feedback builds trust, learning, and performance, as opposed to infrequent, formal reviews.
- Combined Impact: Together, the Three Fs create a safe environment for feedback to drive growth and improvement.
7. How does "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" by M. Tamra Chandler recommend building trust for better feedback?
- Be Human: Show authenticity, admit mistakes, and share emotions to foster genuine connections.
- Keep Commitments: Do what you say you’ll do, be consistent, and act with honesty.
- Be Kind and Supportive: Encourage, listen, and value others’ needs as much as your own.
- Connect Frequently: Invest time in building relationships, as trust is built over many small interactions.
8. What roles do "Seekers," "Receivers," and "Extenders" play in the feedback process in "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)"?
- Seekers: Proactively ask for feedback to drive their own growth and development, setting the tone for a feedback-rich culture.
- Receivers: Listen to and process feedback (solicited or unsolicited), making thoughtful choices about how to respond and act.
- Extenders: Provide feedback to others, either when asked or proactively, focusing on being helpful, specific, and nonjudgmental.
- Role Fluidity: Everyone plays all three roles at different times, and mastering each is key to a healthy feedback environment.
9. What is the "Fine Art of Noticing" (FAN) in "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" and how does it improve feedback?
- Observation Without Judgment: FAN is about observing behaviors and outcomes factually, without attaching labels or emotions.
- Frequent, Small Insights: Encourages sharing small, specific observations regularly, rather than saving up feedback for big events.
- Reduces Bias: By focusing on what’s actually observed, FAN helps minimize the impact of cognitive biases.
- Builds Feedback Muscles: Practicing FAN makes giving and receiving feedback more natural and less threatening over time.
10. How does "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" address the importance of mindset in feedback?
- Growth vs. Fixed Mindset: The book draws on Carol Dweck’s research, showing that those with a growth mindset seek out and learn from feedback, while those with a fixed mindset avoid it.
- Mindset Shifts: Encourages readers to shift from "prove" (defending self-worth) to "improve" (embracing learning and development).
- Self and Others: It’s important to hold a growth mindset about both yourself and others to maximize feedback’s benefits.
- Practical Tips: The book offers language and reflection exercises to help readers recognize and shift their mindset.
11. What practical models or tools does "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" by M. Tamra Chandler provide for feedback conversations?
- CONNECT Model: A step-by-step conversation guide for structuring feedback, covering Context, One thing, Notice, No G.R.I.T., Effect, Conversation, and Trust.
- Feedback Guide Template: Helps individuals clarify their feedback preferences and share them with others.
- Real-World Scenarios: The book includes detailed examples and scripts for common feedback situations.
- Team Practices: Suggestions like "Feedback Fridays" and meeting debriefs to build feedback habits collectively.
12. What are the best quotes from "Feedback (and Other Dirty Words)" by M. Tamra Chandler and what do they mean?
- "Feedback should be a good thing." — Reminds us that feedback’s true purpose is to help, not harm, and that it’s essential for growth.
- "Trust, trust, trust: It’s the vital ingredient that makes feedback work." — Emphasizes that without trust, feedback cannot be effective or safe.
- "If you’re not falling, you’re not learning." — Encourages embracing mistakes and feedback as necessary parts of improvement.
- "Feedback is learning, too, and it’s best when it comes in a concentrated form—a concise, specific, and actionable morsel of information." — Advocates for focused, bite-sized feedback over overwhelming or vague input.
- "Let’s put fear in the rearview mirror and head for a place where feedback helps and doesn’t hurt." — Captures the book’s mission to transform feedback from a source of anxiety to a tool for thriving.
Review Summary
Feedback (and Other Dirty Words) receives mixed reviews, with an average rating of 3.78/5. Readers appreciate its insights on giving and receiving feedback, praising its practical advice and emphasis on trust and constructive communication. Some find it helpful for personal and professional growth, while others consider it basic or boring. The book's focus on changing perceptions of feedback and its potential as a positive force for improvement is highlighted. Critics note a slow start and repetitive content, but overall, many readers find value in its approach to feedback as a tool for development.
Similar Books
Download PDF
Download EPUB
.epub digital book format is ideal for reading ebooks on phones, tablets, and e-readers.
