Getting Off

1. Pornography: A Mirror of Societal Cruelty

Even these women, who have found ways to cope with the injuries from male violence in other places, struggle with that pornographic reality.

Unsettling Reflection. Pornography serves as a disturbing mirror, revealing how many men, shaped by conventional masculinity, perceive women. It's not merely about sex; it's about men's cruelty to women and the pleasure derived from it. The author recounts an experience at the Adult Entertainment Expo, witnessing a mob-like male energy that felt on the verge of gang-rape, a stark expression of dominant masculinity.

The Paradox of Normalization. The book highlights a troubling paradox: as pornography becomes increasingly cruel and degrading, it simultaneously becomes more normalized and mainstream. This isn't a contradiction in a society that already accepts widespread cruelty, such as:

• Brutal weapons in war killing civilians
• The death penalty
• Crushing economic inequality

Mainstream Values. The pornography industry, far from being a fringe element, embodies mainstream values: the logic of domination and subordination central to patriarchy, hyper-patriotic nationalism, white supremacy, and predatory corporate capitalism. This normalization makes it difficult for people to confront the painful truth of what pornography reveals about our culture.

2. The Toxic Trap of Dominant Masculinity

To be a man, then, is a bad trade.

Surrendering Humanity. The imperative "Be a man" often translates to suppressing emotions and striving for dominance, effectively demanding a surrender of humanity. This "masculinity trap" exchanges genuine self-expression for an endless, ultimately illusory and destructive, struggle for power. The author's personal journey reflects this internal conflict, feeling inauthentic despite attempts to conform to various masculine ideals.

King of the Hill. The dominant conception of masculinity is likened to the children's game "King of the Hill," where men are assumed to be naturally competitive and aggressive, constantly vying for control and conquest. This system ensures:

• No one is ever truly safe at the top.
• Everyone loses something, including emotional depth.
• It's exhausting and unfulfilling, narrowing men's emotional range.

A Gift to Men. While this toxic masculinity is undeniably dangerous for women, leading to epidemic levels of violence, it also deforms men. Feminism, often misconstrued as a threat, is presented as a gift to men, offering a path to understand how male dominance prevents men from being fully human. It challenges men to move beyond the superficial gains of patriarchy to a more authentic existence.

3. Feminism: A Path to Male Liberation

It started to become clear: Dworkin wanted to help men transcend masculinity, in part because she believed in people—men and women—and was fueled by a love and compassion that went deeper than I had ever seen in a public political person.

Beyond Stereotypes. The author's encounter with radical feminist Andrea Dworkin shattered his preconceived notions of her as a "man-hating feminist." Instead, he found profound compassion and a powerful challenge for men to take responsibility for changing themselves to end violence against women. Dworkin's blunt critique was rooted in a deep belief in men's humanity.

Saving Your Own Life. Jim Koplin, a male feminist ally, further clarified the role of men in feminist movements: not to "save women" as heroic knights, but to "save your own life." This insight revealed that the system of male dominance, while harming women, also prevents men from achieving full humanity. Feminism offers a path to liberation from the masculinity trap.

Ruthless Criticism. Radical feminism, defined as getting to the "root" of the problem, analyzes how women are oppressed as a class, with sexuality as a key site of this oppression. It exposes how hierarchical systems justify themselves as "natural" to maintain privilege. This framework, initially applied to gender, became the author's entry point for understanding all systems of illegitimate authority, from racism to corporate capitalism, urging a "ruthless criticism of the existing order."

4. Pornography's Dehumanizing Content

In pornography, women are three holes and two hands.

Sexualizing Inequality. Pornography, as defined by Andrea Dworkin, is the "material means of sexualizing inequality," enacting subordination through:

• Objectification: Reducing women to things or commodities.
• Hierarchy: Men on top, women on the bottom.
• Submission: Women's compliance used to justify male dominance.
• Violence: Normalized and unremarkable.

The "Nasty" Reality. Mass-marketed heterosexual pornography, whether "features" or "gonzo," consistently portrays women as always wanting sex from all men, desiring the acts men demand, and easily "turned" with force. The industry's shift towards increasingly "nasty" and extreme acts like double penetration (DP), double anal, and ass-to-mouth (ATM) is driven by men's desire to watch women endure acts they wouldn't seek out in real life, often appearing to be in pain.

Racism and Cruelty. Beyond sexism, pornography routinely features overt racism, particularly in "interracial" genres that stereotype black men as sexually primitive and Asian women as subservient. The ubiquitous "cum shot," often in the face or mouth, serves to mark women as "sluts" and is seen by some industry veterans as the "most violent we can get," a way for men to "get even" with women. This constant search for an "edge" in sex, when emotion is drained, inevitably leads to cruelty.

5. The Illusion of Choice in Pornography Production

"My god, no. Who would?"

The "Choice" Defense. A common defense of the pornography industry is that women "choose" to perform, are well-paid, and find it easy. However, this argument often overlooks the complex realities of choice. The author's poignant encounter with a porn star's mother, who expressed horror at her daughter's career, underscores the stark contrast between public narratives and private realities.

Constrained Choices. True choice is rarely simple. Just as students "choose" to take a useless exam to get a degree, or a prisoner "chooses" to obey a guard, women entering the sex industry often do so under significant constraints. Research indicates key factors include:

• Childhood sexual assault, leading to self-worth tied to sexual pleasure.
• Economic hardship and lack of viable employment.
• Routinely dissociating to cope with the work.
• Coercion and violence from pimps.

Empathy and Accountability. Consumers rarely have information about the conditions under which performers make their choices. By purchasing pornography, men contribute to a demand that ensures some women will be harmed. The author urges empathy, asking readers to imagine a woman like "Dynamite" from a "blow-bang" video, cleaning herself after being used by multiple men, and to consider if they would want their loved ones in such a position.

6. Pornography's Role in Normalizing Sexual Violence

Pornography alone doesn’t make men do it, but pornography is part of a world in which men do it, and therefore the production, content, and use of pornography are important to understand in the quest to eliminate sexual violence.

Making Rape Inviting. While pornography doesn't "cause" rape in a simplistic, direct causal sense, it undeniably contributes to it by "making rape inviting." It predisposes some men to desire rape, undermines inhibitions, and can provide a "training manual" for abusers. The author cites testimonies from sex offenders who used pornography to shape their fantasies and justify their actions, blurring the line between fantasy and reality.

Impact on "Normal" Men. The influence of pornography extends beyond criminal acts, affecting the "ordinary" behavior of "normal" men. In a culture where men are already taught that sex is about conquest and domination, pornography reinforces these behaviors, leading to:

• Shaping a male-dominant view of sexuality.
• Undermining a partner's resistance to unwanted acts.
• Blurring the line between sexual fantasy and reality.
• Generating desires for degrading sexual acts.

Erosion of Intimacy. Psychologist Ana Bridges' research highlights how compulsive pornography use harms heterosexual relationships. Viewers habituate to extreme content, requiring more deviant material for arousal. Partners report feeling like men are fantasizing about pornographic images during sex, leading to a decline in intimacy and connection, and sometimes to partners feeling rejected or pressured into unwanted acts.

7. Beyond Masculinity: Embracing Full Humanity

If men are going to be full human beings, we first have to stop being men.

Abolishing Masculinity. The author argues for abolishing the concept of masculinity itself, rather than merely redefining it. While biological sex differences exist, "masculinity" and "femininity" are social constructs. The goal is to move beyond the idea that certain psychological or moral traits are intrinsically linked to being male, and instead embrace universal human characteristics.

The "Not-Woman" Fear. Men's deep investment in masculinity, no matter how defined, stems from a fear of not being "man enough," or worse, being perceived as "not-woman." In a culture that devalues women, masculinity offers a guarantee of being "not-woman," which, while comforting, prevents men from fully confronting misogyny and experiencing their full humanity.

Beyond Protection Rackets. Campaigns like "real men don't rape" or "my strength is not for hurting" are seen as problematic. While well-intentioned, they reinforce the idea of men as "protectors and providers," implicitly maintaining patriarchal power structures. The author asserts that "women and children don't need to be protected by men—they need to be protected from men," advocating for men to join women-led feminist movements that prioritize "power-with" rather than "power-over."

8. Redefining Sexuality: From Pleasure to Joy

I think that path leads to a place beyond pleasure and toward joy.

What is Sex For? The book challenges the culture's reluctance to seriously discuss the fundamental question: "What is sex for?" Without a shared understanding, conflicting notions of sex lead to emotional and physical harm, particularly for women and children. The author questions whether sex can simultaneously be a casual "warm handshake" and an expression of deep, lifelong love, suggesting that asking too much of sex leads to confusion and negative consequences.

Beyond "Hot" and "Magic." The common focus on "hot sex" and "magic" in sexual discourse is critiqued. "Hot" emphasizes friction and physical sensation, while "magic" implies a knowable trick. Instead, the author proposes:

• Mystery: Sex as something beyond full comprehension, a deeper connection.
• Light: Rather than seeking "heat," aiming for "light" to illuminate self and other, fostering deeper understanding and connection.

From Pleasure to Joy. While physical pleasure is a valid aspect of sex, the author distinguishes it from "joy," a deeper, more profound experience of connection and mystery. Pornography, obsessed with delivering efficient physical pleasure, often misses the essence of joy, leaving men with an ultimately unfulfilling, narrowed sense of sexuality. The goal is to move beyond mere physical gratification to a more holistic, meaningful engagement with sexuality.

9. Action for Men: From Shame to Accountability

If we reject shaming men about their use, misuse, or abuse of women, we need not reject the positive role of guilt, which can be a productive part of a process by which one comes to see that an action was morally unacceptable and by which one can rectify, to the degree possible, injuries done to others and begin the process of ensuring the bad action is not repeated.

Stopping Consumption. The most direct action for heterosexual men, if they accept the critique of pornography as a misogynistic and racist enterprise, is to stop using sexual-exploitation industries: pornography, prostitution, and strip clubs. This is presented as a matter of justice and consistency with one's stated principles.

From Shame to Guilt. While pornography use often leads to destructive shame ("I am bad"), the author advocates for cultivating productive guilt ("I did a bad thing"). Guilt, unlike shame, allows for accountability, learning from mistakes, and moving towards change. This shift is crucial for men to overcome the internal conflict and self-loathing associated with their pornography use.

Men Are Not Oppressed. It's vital to distinguish between individual men's feelings of powerlessness and the systemic oppression of men. While men may experience powerlessness due to other oppressive systems (e.g., racism, classism) or the "King of the Hill" dynamic, they are not oppressed as men within patriarchy. Blaming women for men's sexual dissatisfaction or perceived lack of power is a politically reactionary deflection from the true source of injustice: the patriarchal system itself.

10. Pornography's False Promise: A Prison, Not a Gateway

Pornography claims to take us on a path to a door that will open into more creative erotic space, into imagination, into a garden of sexual delight. Just open this door, pornography tells us, and you will step into a more expansive world. But it turns out that going through the pornographic door typically leads into a prison cell, with four thick walls and no window.

The Seductive Illusion. Pornography seduces men with the promise of an "ever-expanding sexuality" and "better sex," portraying itself as a gateway to creative erotic space. This promise, however, is a "cruel joke." The author argues that pornography, far from expanding sexual possibilities, actually constrains them, handing men a rigid sexual script that limits their imagination and keeps them "locked up and locked down."

Cost of "Pleasure." The "pleasure" derived from pornography comes at a significant cost: the objectification and dehumanization of women, and the erosion of men's own capacity for genuine intimacy and joy. Men are left with an "illusion of pleasure" that ultimately feels unfulfilling and narrow, a sad substitute for meaningful connection.

The Path to Humanity. The journey away from this "prison" of pornographic sexuality and dominant masculinity is difficult, requiring painful introspection, acknowledging mistakes, and a lifelong commitment to change. However, it offers the profound reward of finding one's "own humanity," anchored in love, compassion, and solidarity. This path, though uncertain, is the only way to escape the destructive cycle of domination and truly live.

Last updated: July 30, 2025