The Will to Change

1. Patriarchy Hurts Men and Women: It's a System, Not Just Individual Behavior

Patriarchy is the single most life-threatening social disease assaulting the male body and spirit in our nation.

Systemic oppression. Patriarchy isn't just about individual men behaving badly; it's a political-social system that insists on male dominance and superiority, maintained through psychological terrorism and violence. This system assigns rigid gender roles from childhood, dictating how boys and girls should behave and limiting their potential.

Impact on both genders. While patriarchy privileges men, it also harms them by demanding emotional stoicism and suppressing their feelings. Women, too, can perpetuate patriarchal thinking, reinforcing these harmful norms within families and society.

Challenging the system. Dismantling patriarchy requires collective action from both men and women, acknowledging its impact on our lives and working together to create a culture of equality and respect. This involves challenging traditional gender roles, promoting emotional expression, and rejecting violence as a means of control.

2. Men's Emotional Lives Are Suppressed from Boyhood

Boys are not seen as lovable in patriarchal culture.

Early emotional damage. From infancy, boys are often discouraged from expressing emotions other than anger, leading to emotional numbness and difficulty forming meaningful connections. This suppression is reinforced by peers, media, and even well-intentioned parents who fear their sons will be seen as "wimpy."

Consequences of emotional repression. This emotional repression can lead to isolation, depression, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. Boys learn to equate masculinity with toughness and dominance, further hindering their emotional development.

Creating safe spaces. To protect the emotional lives of boys, we must challenge patriarchal norms and create safe spaces where they can express their feelings without judgment. This includes promoting androgynous role models, encouraging emotional literacy, and challenging sexist stereotypes.

3. Male Violence Stems from Patriarchal Norms, Not Inherent Malice

Patriarchy demands male dominance by any means necessary, hence it supports, promotes, and condones sexist violence.

Violence as a learned behavior. Male violence isn't inherent but a product of patriarchal norms that equate masculinity with dominance and aggression. Boys are socialized to believe that violence is a legitimate means of asserting power and control, leading to a culture of violence against women and other men.

Emotional abuse as a form of violence. Beyond physical violence, emotional abuse is a pervasive form of patriarchal control, systematically diminishing and destroying the inner self of another. This can manifest as shaming, threats, and psychological manipulation, often within families.

Breaking the cycle of violence. Ending male violence requires a revolution of values, based on a love ethic that challenges patriarchal notions of manhood. This involves teaching boys empathy, respect, and nonviolent conflict resolution skills, as well as holding perpetrators accountable for their actions.

4. Longing for Male Love: Acknowledging the Unspoken Hunger

Every female wants to be loved by a male.

The hunger for fatherly love. Both girls and boys crave the love and attention of their fathers, but patriarchal culture often makes this love conditional or absent. This lack of fatherly love can lead to anger, grief, and a lifelong quest to find male love in romantic relationships.

The myth of male power. Reformist feminism's focus on male power often overlooked the deep inner misery of men, the terror of being unable to love. This created a false narrative that men had it all, ignoring the emotional suffering caused by patriarchal norms.

Visionary feminism's truth. Visionary feminists dare to examine the longing for love in men, recognizing that they are often acting out a lie, homesick for the truth. This truth acknowledges that men are longing for love and connection, a longing that feminist thinkers must explore and address.

5. Feminist Manhood: Reclaiming Masculinity Through Equality and Love

Men cannot change if there are no blueprints for change.

Redefining masculinity. Feminist manhood challenges traditional notions of masculinity, rejecting dominance and embracing equality, empathy, and emotional expression. It's about reclaiming the essential goodness of male being, free from the constraints of patriarchal expectations.

Feminism as liberation for men. Feminist thinking offers men a path to liberation from the harmful effects of patriarchy, providing a framework for understanding and challenging sexist norms. This involves embracing vulnerability, rejecting violence, and cultivating meaningful connections with others.

The role of women in male liberation. While men must ultimately choose to change themselves, women can play a crucial role in encouraging and affirming their will to change. This involves respecting their inner truth, challenging patriarchal behavior, and creating a world where men and women can belong together.

6. Work and Love: Reconciling Masculinity with Emotional Fulfillment

Men cannot love if they are not taught the art of loving.

Work as a source of male identity. Patriarchal culture often equates masculinity with work and providing for family, but this can lead to dissatisfaction and emotional neglect. Men may sacrifice meaningful connections and personal growth in pursuit of career success.

The conflict between work and love. The long hours and emotional demands of work can leave men drained and unable to fulfill their emotional needs or those of their loved ones. This conflict is rarely discussed, perpetuating the myth that men should prioritize work above all else.

Reclaiming emotional fulfillment. To reconcile work and love, men must challenge patriarchal norms and prioritize emotional well-being. This involves finding work that is meaningful and fulfilling, setting boundaries to protect personal time, and cultivating relational skills to connect with others.

7. Male Sexuality: Beyond Domination, Towards Connection and Intimacy

The truth we do not tell is that men are longing for love.

Sex as a substitute for love. Men are often taught to seek emotional satisfaction through sex, leading to a culture of obsession and objectification. This can result in unsatisfying sexual experiences and a disconnect from genuine intimacy.

Patriarchal sexuality and violence. Patriarchal norms often condone sexual violence, perpetuating the myth that men have a right to dominate women sexually. This creates a culture of fear and distrust, hindering the development of healthy sexual relationships.

Reclaiming healthy sexuality. To move beyond domination, men must challenge patriarchal notions of sexuality and embrace connection, intimacy, and respect. This involves rejecting pornography that objectifies women, cultivating emotional awareness, and prioritizing consent and communication in sexual encounters.

8. Healing Male Spirit: Reclaiming Integrity and Emotional Wholeness

Men cannot change if there are no blueprints for change.

The divided male soul. Patriarchal culture demands that men suppress their emotions and conform to rigid gender roles, leading to a divided soul and a loss of integrity. This can manifest as emotional numbness, addiction, and difficulty forming meaningful connections.

The path to integrity. Healing the male spirit requires reclaiming integrity, which involves integrating all aspects of the self and rejecting the false mask of patriarchal masculinity. This includes acknowledging and expressing emotions, challenging sexist beliefs, and cultivating empathy and compassion.

The power of love and compassion. By embracing love and compassion, men can heal their wounds, reclaim their wholeness, and create a more just and equitable world. This involves challenging patriarchal norms, supporting other men in their journey, and creating a culture where all individuals can thrive.

Last updated: February 23, 2025