Getting to Yes with Yourself

1. Put Yourself in Your Shoes: From Self-Judgment to Self-Understanding

"To observe without evaluating is the highest form of intelligence."

Self-observation is key. Go to the "balcony," a metaphorical place of perspective and calm, to observe your thoughts, emotions, and sensations without judgment. This practice helps neutralize their effect on you, maintaining balance and clarity in challenging situations.

Listen with empathy. Treat yourself as you would a close friend. Instead of harsh self-criticism, approach your thoughts and feelings with curiosity and acceptance. This self-empathy clears mental space, making it easier to listen to others and understand their perspectives.

Uncover your needs. Examine your feelings of dissatisfaction to identify underlying needs and motivations. Ask yourself "why" multiple times to get to the root of what you truly want. Understanding your deepest needs opens up new possibilities for satisfying them and creates more options in negotiations.

2. Develop Your Inner BATNA: From Blame to Self-Responsibility

"The biggest obstacle is actually ourselves. We get in our own way."

Take responsibility. Shift from blaming others or circumstances to taking ownership of your life, relationships, and needs. This "response-ability" empowers you to change situations for the better, rather than feeling like a victim.

Create your inner BATNA. In negotiation, your BATNA (Best Alternative To a Negotiated Agreement) is your fallback option. Develop an "inner BATNA" by making an unconditional commitment to meet your needs, regardless of others' actions. This internal commitment gives you confidence and reduces dependency on others.

Examples of taking responsibility:

• In business disputes, acknowledge your contribution to the problem
• In relationships, recognize your role in creating negative dynamics
• In personal growth, commit to meeting your needs independently of others' actions

3. Reframe Your Picture: From Unfriendly to Friendly

"Is the universe a friendly place?"

Choose your perspective. How you answer Einstein's question about the universe's friendliness shapes your interactions and outcomes. Viewing the world as friendly predisposes you to treat others as potential partners rather than adversaries.

Cultivate connection. Remember your inherent connection to life and others. Engage in activities that exercise the right side of your brain, which focuses on similarities and interconnectedness. This perspective helps dissolve the "optical delusion" of separateness.

Make your own happiness. Recognize your power to create inner contentment, regardless of external circumstances. This internal source of satisfaction reduces the fear of scarcity that often drives win-lose thinking in negotiations.

Ways to reframe your picture:

• Practice mindfulness or meditation to cultivate present-moment awareness
• Engage in creative activities that foster a sense of connection
• Focus on gratitude to shift perspective from lack to abundance

4. Stay in the Zone: From Resistance to Acceptance

"Pain may be inevitable but suffering is optional."

Let go of resistance. Accept the past, trust the future, and embrace the present. Resisting reality often prolongs misery and distracts from constructive action. Acceptance doesn't mean resignation, but rather a starting point for positive change.

Focus on the present opportunity. In negotiations, the power to transform conflict lies in the present moment. Stay attentive to possible openings and chances to steer conversations toward agreement.

Practice acceptance. Learn to accept life as it is, rather than how you think it should be. This acceptance frees up energy and attention for addressing current challenges and opportunities.

Strategies for staying in the zone:

• Use reality-testing questions to challenge unnecessary fears
• Practice mindfulness to cultivate present-moment awareness
• Focus on what you can control, rather than resisting unchangeable circumstances

5. Respect Them Even If: From Exclusion to Inclusion

"If we could read the secret history of our enemies, we should find in each man's life sorrow and suffering enough to disarm all hostility."

Offer respect unconditionally. Treat others with dignity, regardless of their behavior. This doesn't mean approving of their actions, but acknowledging their basic humanity. Respect can breed respect, creating a positive cycle.

Put yourself in their shoes. Make a genuine effort to understand others' perspectives, feelings, and motivations. This empathy often reveals common ground and opens possibilities for agreement.

Expand your circle of respect. Consciously include those you might initially exclude or judge. This expansion of respect can help heal wounds of rejection and exclusion that often fuel conflicts.

Ways to cultivate respect:

• Listen to understand, not to judge or respond
• Look for shared experiences or feelings, even with those who seem different
• Practice inclusive language and actions in daily interactions

6. Give and Receive: From Win-Lose to Win-Win-Win

"The most successful people in life, perhaps surprisingly, are 'givers,' not 'takers.'"

Shift from taking to giving. Focus on creating value for others as well as yourself. This approach often leads to better agreements and more satisfying relationships than purely self-interested strategies.

Give for mutual gain. Look for ways to meet others' needs while satisfying your own. This win-win approach expands possibilities and creates more sustainable agreements.

Find purpose in giving. Discover the joy and meaning that comes from contributing to others and the larger whole. This purpose-driven giving can become a sustained source of satisfaction and success.

Levels of giving:

1. Giving to receive (transactional)
2. Giving without expectation of direct return (joy and meaning)
3. Giving as an expression of purpose (fulfillment)

7. The Three Wins: Within, With Others, and for the Whole

"The choice between yes and no is ours to make at any moment."

Cultivate an inner yes. Regularly practice the six steps to develop a positive inner attitude. This internal alignment creates a foundation for success in relationships and negotiations.

Extend the yes to others. With a strong inner yes, it becomes easier to approach others as potential partners rather than adversaries. This attitude facilitates mutually satisfying agreements and healthier relationships.

Aim for win-win-win outcomes. Look beyond personal gain to consider how agreements can benefit the larger whole—be it family, organization, or society. This expanded perspective often reveals more creative and sustainable solutions.

The three wins:

1. Win within: Inner satisfaction and contentment
2. Win with others: Mutually beneficial agreements and relationships
3. Win for the whole: Positive impact on larger systems and communities

Last updated: August 9, 2024