Going to Pieces without Falling Apart

1. Western Emptiness: A Feeling to Be Fixed.

Emptiness, from a Western perspective, seemed to me to be a tortured feeling of distress, an absence of vitality, a sense of being not quite real enough, of disconnection.

A common struggle. Many people in Western culture experience a deep-seated sense of emptiness or insufficiency, often feeling less real than others. This feeling can manifest as a void in the chest, an impossible longing, or a general sense of not being "together."
Seeking external solutions. Trained in a culture of psychological materialism, we often approach this emptiness by trying to fill ourselves up, seeking self-development, self-esteem, and external validation. The goal is typically to eradicate or cure this uncomfortable feeling.
Therapy's traditional approach. Early therapeutic models often viewed emptiness as a defect stemming from childhood trauma or developmental failures, like an inability to integrate good and bad qualities in others (Otto Kernberg's view). The aim was to uncover causes and fix the problem, often missing the deeper nature of the feeling itself.

2. Buddhist Emptiness: A Space to Be Explored.

Emptiness is vast and astonishing, the Buddhist approach insists; it does not have to be toxic.

A different perspective. Buddhism offers a radical reinterpretation of emptiness, not as a personal deficiency to be eliminated, but as the fundamental nature of reality and self. It's an intuition of the absence of inherent, fixed identity in people or things.
Beyond fear. The Western experience of emptiness is often contaminated by fear – fear of annihilation, nothingness, or not being real enough. Buddhist teachings encourage facing this feeling directly, separating the fear from the experience itself.
Sparks of truth. As Tibetan lama Gelek Rinpoche explained, the distress of Western emptiness is like "sparks of emptiness," untrained minds trying to grasp the true, vast emptiness. These feelings, while painful, are glimpses of a deeper truth about the self's non-solid nature.

3. Happiness: Found in Letting Go, Not Accumulating.

Happiness comes from letting go.

Challenging materialism. The core premise of Buddhism is that happiness does not arise from acquiring things, experiences, or even psychological attributes like self-esteem. This contrasts sharply with the Western focus on "beefing ourselves up."
The illusion of completion. We often seek happiness through accumulation, believing it will lead to completion. However, Buddhism teaches that completion comes not from adding to ourselves, but from surrendering our ideas of perfection and letting go of the need to constantly strive and acquire.
Steve's lesson. The story of the author's college roommate, Steve, who collapsed under the pressure of trying to embody the perfect Harvard freshman, serves as a metaphor for the limitations of relentless self-development. He went to pieces because he couldn't permit himself to go to pieces without falling apart.

4. Surrender: Relaxing the Ego's Grip.

"You have to be somebody before you can be nobody," people began to say.

Beyond ego-building. While Western psychology often emphasizes building a strong ego, Buddhism highlights the value of collapsing or relaxing the self. Many people seek therapy because they struggle to let go, feeling blocked or isolated.
Unintegration, not disintegration. Psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott's concept of "unintegration" offers a Western parallel to Buddhist surrender. It's a state of letting go of the usual need for control, suspending the ego's vigilance, and allowing the self to unwind without feeling lost.
The capacity to be. This state of unintegration fosters the "capacity to be," a fundamental sense of existing that develops when a holding environment is safe and unobtrusive. It's about being present without constantly needing to do or know, allowing for spontaneous experience and creativity.

5. Meditation: Quieting the Obsessive Mind.

This is the function of meditation practice: It provides a method of getting the mind out of the way so that we can be at one with our experience.

A practical method. Meditation offers a concrete way to move beyond the ego's constant striving and control. It's a method for getting the thinking mind out of the way, allowing for direct, unmediated experience.
Interrupting isolation. Like Freud's concept of "isolating" where the mind interferes with gratifying experience, our obsessive thinking creates a "taboo on touching," preventing genuine connection. Meditation helps reveal and interrupt this compulsive mental activity.
Beyond polishing. The Zen story of Ma-tsu polishing a tile to make a mirror illustrates that meditation isn't just about perfecting a technique or achieving a goal (like becoming a Buddha). It's about using the practice to reveal what is already there, eventually letting go of the "polishing" mind itself.

6. Connection: Discovering Intimacy Within.

Connection is our natural state; we just have to learn to permit it.

An inherent capacity. The yearning for connection is universal, but we often seek it externally, believing it depends on finding the right person or fixing our perceived deficiencies. Buddhism teaches that connection is not something to be acquired, but an inherent capacity to be permitted.
Beyond self-consciousness. Meditation helps restore this capacity by reducing self-consciousness and increasing acceptance of our vulnerabilities. It challenges the assumption that we must be "fixed" or "worthy" before we can connect.
Ram Dass's lesson. The author's encounter with Ram Dass, who simply was present without trying to do anything, demonstrated that connection arises from the capacity to be, not from striving or performing. It revealed that separateness and connectedness coexist.

7. Tolerance: Embracing Difficult Feelings.

The antidote to hatred in the heart, the source of violence, is tolerance.

Feeling is crucial. Both Buddhist psychology and psychotherapy recognize that integrating feelings is essential for wholeness. However, many people avoid difficult emotions, fearing they are overwhelming or destructive.
Learning to bear. The capacity to feel develops when emotions are contained and validated, first by parents and later in therapeutic or meditative contexts. This allows us to learn that feelings, even intense ones, are not inherently dangerous or destructive.
The tamed heart. The Buddha extolled the "tamed heart," which is not suppressed but controlled, attended, and restrained – meaning it can experience emotions fully without being overtaken by them. This tolerance allows us to engage with life's inevitable difficulties without shutting down.

8. Relationships: Practicing Being Alone Together.

Separateness and connectedness … arise together and make each other possible.

Challenging linear development. Western psychology, influenced by figures like Margaret Mahler, often views development as a linear journey from merged infancy to separate individuation. This view overlooks the ego's natural permeability and the adult capacity for dissolving boundaries.
Simultaneous states. Contrary to the idea of "primary fusion," separateness and connectedness are not mutually exclusive but arise together throughout life. Intimate relationships, like meditation, involve navigating the paradox of being both distinct individuals and deeply connected.
The capacity for relationship. Making a "path" through the self, as the Buddha's Eightfold Path suggests, involves discovering our own capacity for relationship. This requires navigating internal obstacles and learning to be present with ourselves and others, even in moments of discomfort or difference.

9. Passion: Harnessing Desire and Aggression.

All of the passions can be transformed, the mandalas teach.

Mandala as metaphor. The Buddhist mandala, a symbol of enlightened mind, often depicts an entwined couple at its center, representing the union of opposites like form and emptiness, compassion and wisdom. This imagery suggests that even intense passions like sexual desire and aggression can be vehicles for realization.
Beyond elimination. Instead of trying to eliminate disturbing passions, the mandala and practices like sexual tantra teach how to work with them. They suggest that these energies, often seen as obstacles, can be harnessed and transformed to deepen connection and awareness.
Goddesses at the doorway. The animal-headed goddesses guarding the mandala's entrance symbolize the need to "pass through" difficult emotions like anger and desire to reach the sacred center. They represent the possibility of recruiting aggression and desire in the service of love and transformation.

10. Impermanence: The Ground of True Intimacy.

"Do not regard time as merely flying away," he warned.

Facing transience. Life's beauty and intimacy are inextricably linked with impermanence. Like the flower that blooms for a single night, everything is constantly changing. Our fear of this transience often leads us to cling or recoil, preventing full engagement.
Not separate from time. As Zen master Dogen taught, we are not separate from time; our being is time. When we resist the flow of change, we create an artificial duality that distances us from reality and prevents us from appreciating the present moment.
Embracing fragility. True intimacy requires accepting the fragility and transience of connection. As the rabbi who changed his wedding ritual realized, breaking the glass can symbolize embracing impermanence, understanding that love deepens when we appreciate its precious, fleeting nature.

11. Relief: The Luminous Nature of Mind.

"Though I am ill in body, my mind shall not be ill."

Mind beyond body. The Buddha's advice to Nakulapita highlights the possibility of separating the experience of mind from the condition of the body. Even when the body is going to pieces, the mind does not have to fall apart.
Practice for death. Meditation is seen as practice for death, a process where the self dissolves. By training the mind to remain aware during moments of dissolution (like sleep, orgasm, or fainting), one can glimpse the "clear light nature of mind."
Luminous knowing. This underlying consciousness is described as luminous and knowing, a vast, empty space that is also vividly aware. It is the ultimate source of relief, a state of fearlessness that comes from realizing that the principle of life cannot be destroyed.

Last updated: May 27, 2025