The Worry Trick

1. Worry is a Trick: Doubt Treated as Danger

The trick is this: you experience doubt, and treat it like danger.

Doubt vs. Danger. The core of the "worry trick" lies in misinterpreting the discomfort of uncertainty as a sign of actual danger. This leads to a cycle of struggle, where attempts to eliminate doubt only amplify anxiety. For example, a person might worry about a potential job loss, treating the possibility as a certainty, and then engage in behaviors like excessive reassurance-seeking or over-preparation, which ironically increase their anxiety.

Future is Unknown. We all live with uncertainty, but chronic worriers get caught up in trying to predict and control the future, which is impossible. This leads to a constant state of hyper-vigilance, where every "what if" thought is treated as a potential threat. The problem isn't the unknown, but the belief that we do know the future, and that it will be bad.

Backfiring Efforts. The natural instinct to stop worrying often backfires, as efforts to suppress or control thoughts only make them more persistent. This is because the brain interprets the struggle against worry as evidence that the worry is indeed dangerous, further fueling the cycle.

2. Chronic Worry: A Dysfunctional Relationship

The most important aspect of this chronic relationship with worry, however, is not the amount of worry but the way you respond to it.

More Than Just Thoughts. Chronic worry isn't just about having a lot of worrisome thoughts; it's about the relationship you have with those thoughts. This relationship is characterized by a constant struggle to control and change the thoughts, which ironically makes them more persistent and upsetting. It's like a dysfunctional relationship with a nagging partner, where the more you argue, the more they nag.

Interference with Life. Chronic worry becomes a major focus, distracting from worthwhile tasks, interfering with relationships, and generating obsessive thinking without leading to useful decisions. It's like being stuck in a mental loop, where you're constantly replaying the same scenarios without finding any resolution. This can lead to feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, and being out of control.

Physical and Behavioral Symptoms. Chronic worry is often accompanied by physical symptoms like restlessness, irritability, muscle tension, fatigue, and sleep problems. It also manifests in behaviors like avoidance, reassurance-seeking, and ritualistic actions, all of which are attempts to manage the anxiety but ultimately reinforce the worry cycle.

3. Two Sides of Worry: Content vs. Control

Sometimes, you take the content of the worry thought as an important prediction of danger. Other times, you recognize that these thoughts are “irrational” or unlikely, and you don’t take the content of the worry so seriously.

Content as Warning. One side of the worry relationship involves taking the content of the worry seriously, treating it as a valid warning about potential danger. This leads to efforts to disprove the threats, seek reassurance, or take protective actions. For example, someone might worry about getting sick and then excessively research symptoms online or consult multiple doctors.

Control as the Goal. The other side involves recognizing the thoughts as irrational but then struggling to control them. This leads to attempts to suppress or get rid of the thoughts through distraction, thought-stopping, or avoidance. For example, someone might try to "stop thinking" about a worry, only to find it returning more forcefully.

The Dual Struggle. Both stances are problematic because they are based on the idea that worry is a problem to be solved, rather than a natural part of the human experience. This dual struggle keeps the worry cycle alive, as efforts to control or disprove the thoughts only make them more persistent.

4. Fear Without Danger: The Brain's Wiring

This ability, to become afraid even when we know we’re not in danger, is a characteristic of our species.

Evolutionary Advantage. Our brains are wired to prioritize potential threats, even if they are unlikely or exaggerated. This is because, from an evolutionary perspective, it's better to have a "false positive" (thinking there's danger when there isn't) than a "false negative" (thinking there's no danger when there is). This tendency to over-detect threats is the root of chronic worry.

Amygdala's Role. The amygdala, the part of the brain responsible for processing fear, reacts much faster than the cerebral cortex, where conscious thought takes place. This means that the amygdala can trigger a fear response even before you've had time to rationally assess the situation. This is why you can't simply "talk yourself out" of worry.

Thoughts as Triggers. Worry thoughts are like a "scary movie" playing in your head, triggering the same fear response as a real threat. The amygdala doesn't distinguish between real and imagined danger, so even unrealistic worries can cause a strong emotional reaction. This is why you can feel afraid even when you know you're not in danger.

5. The Rule of Opposites: Counterintuitive Solutions

My gut instinct of how to respond to unwanted, chronic worry is pretty much dead wrong. I am usually better off doing the opposite of my gut instinct.

Intuitive vs. Counterintuitive. Chronic worry is a counterintuitive problem, meaning that our natural instincts for solving it often make it worse. The harder you try to control or eliminate worry, the more persistent it becomes. This is because the brain interprets the struggle as evidence that the worry is indeed dangerous.

Fight, Flight, Freeze. Our natural responses to danger are fight, flight, or freeze. However, these responses are counterproductive when applied to worry, which is not a real threat. Instead of fighting, running, or freezing, we need to learn to "chill out and let it pass."

The Second Rule. There are two rules of thumb that govern our lives. The first is that in the external world, the harder you try, the more likely you are to get what you want. The second is that in the internal world of thoughts and feelings, the more you oppose them, the more you will have of them. The rule that governs your internal world is the opposite of the rule that governs the external world.

6. "What If" is the Bait: Catch the Worry Early

Worry always gets the last word!

"What If" as a Signal. Most chronic worries begin with the phrase "what if," which is a signal that you're about to engage in a hypothetical scenario of potential disaster. This phrase is the bait that lures you into the worry cycle. It's like a pickpocket's distraction, drawing your attention away from the present moment and into a future of imagined problems.

The Mad Libs of Anxiety. The "what if" sentence is like a Mad Libs game, where you fill in the blank with whatever catastrophe you happen to be most worried about. The specific content of the worry is less important than the fact that it's a hypothetical scenario, a "let's pretend" exercise that you've forgotten is pretend.

Count Your Worries. By tracking the frequency of "what if" thoughts, you can become more aware of the worry cycle and start to recognize the bait before you bite. This can be done by using a physical counter, a digital app, or even something as simple as moving Tic Tacs from one container to another.

7. AHA! Acknowledge, Humor, and Activity

The path to having less trouble with worry involves changing your relationship with worry rather than trying to change the worries themselves.

Acknowledge and Accept. The first step in breaking the worry cycle is to acknowledge the presence of the worrisome thought without resistance or judgment. This means recognizing that you're having a thought you don't like, but not trying to suppress or change it. It's like acknowledging that it's raining, without trying to make the rain stop.

Humor the Worry. Instead of arguing with or trying to disprove the worry, respond to it with humor and playfulness. This can involve exaggerating the worry, singing a worry song, or writing a silly poem about it. The goal is to defuse the emotional charge of the worry by treating it lightly.

Activity. After acknowledging and humoring the worry, shift your attention back to the external world and engage in activities that are important to you. This means doing what you would do if you weren't worried, even if you still feel anxious. It's like taking your worries for a walk, allowing them to accompany you without letting them control your actions.

8. Daily Worry Workout: Appointments and Acceptance

The very efforts people make to stop their worries are what strengthen and maintain them.

Worry Appointments. Schedule specific times each day for deliberate worry. This may seem counterintuitive, but it allows you to contain your worry to a specific time and place, rather than letting it intrude on your entire day. It's like setting aside time to clean your house, rather than letting the mess accumulate everywhere.

Watch Yourself Worry. During your worry appointments, worry out loud in front of a mirror. This helps you become a better observer of your worry, making it less subliminal and more like a performance you're watching. It also helps you see how repetitive and unproductive the worry process is.

Belly Breathing. Practice belly breathing to manage the physical symptoms of anxiety. This involves taking slow, deep breaths from your diaphragm, rather than shallow breaths from your chest. This technique helps you relax and calm your body, making it easier to manage your worry.

9. The Worry Parasite: Hijacking Your Life

Chronic worry functions like a parasite, increasingly getting the host—that’s you!—to spend time and energy on producing and maintaining worry, rather than pursuing the hopes and dreams you have for your own life.

Parasitic Control. Chronic worry functions like a parasite, hijacking your self-care agenda and making you prioritize worry over your own goals and values. It's like a flatworm that takes over a snail, making it act in ways that benefit the parasite rather than the snail.

Beliefs as Fuel. This hijacking is fueled by certain beliefs about worry, such as "It helps if I expect the worst," "My worry can influence future events," and "Worry shows I care." These beliefs make worry seem important and necessary, even though it's actually counterproductive.

Reclaim Your Agenda. To break free from the worry parasite, you need to identify and challenge these beliefs, and start prioritizing your own values and aspirations over the demands of worry. This involves shifting your focus from your internal world of thoughts to the external world of action and engagement.

10. Breaking the Secrecy Trap: Seeking Support

Secrecy and shame.

The Urge to Hide. People who struggle with chronic worry often keep it a secret, fearing that others will judge or misunderstand them. This secrecy, however, only reinforces the shame and isolation associated with worry. It's like hiding a wound, which only makes it fester.

Side Effects of Secrecy. Keeping your worries secret can lead to imagining the worst, feeling like a fraud, increased worry, social isolation, and a paradoxical increase in symptoms. These side effects often outweigh the perceived benefits of secrecy.

Selective Self-Disclosure. Breaking the secrecy trap involves selectively sharing your struggle with trusted friends or loved ones. This can provide you with support, understanding, and a more realistic perspective on your worries. It also involves educating your support people about what is helpful and unhelpful in responding to your worry.

Last updated: March 23, 2025