Good Inside

1. Children are inherently good, even when they misbehave

Because we often forget, kids don't feel good when they are out of control.

Good inside. All children are fundamentally good, even when their behavior suggests otherwise. This principle is the foundation for effective parenting, as it allows us to approach challenging situations with curiosity and empathy rather than judgment and frustration.

Behavior as communication. When children act out, it's often a sign that they're struggling with overwhelming emotions or unmet needs. By viewing misbehavior through this lens, parents can respond more effectively and compassionately.

Separating identity from actions. It's crucial to distinguish between who a child is and what they do. This perspective helps maintain a strong parent-child relationship while still addressing problematic behaviors.

2. Behavior is a window into a child's emotional state

Behavior is never "the story," but rather it's a clue to the bigger story begging to be addressed.

Underlying emotions. Children's behavior often serves as a window into their emotional state. By looking beyond the surface-level actions, parents can gain insight into what their child is truly experiencing.

Addressing root causes. Instead of focusing solely on correcting behavior, parents should aim to understand and address the underlying emotional needs driving that behavior. This approach leads to more lasting change and stronger parent-child connections.

Examples of behavior as communication:

• Tantrums: Often indicate overwhelm or difficulty managing strong emotions
• Defiance: May signal a need for autonomy or control
• Clinginess: Could suggest separation anxiety or a need for reassurance

3. Prioritize connection over correction in parenting

The more secure a child feels with their parents, the more they can view a sibling as a playmate and not a rival.

Building connection capital. Prioritizing connection with your child creates a reserve of positive feelings that can be drawn upon during challenging moments. This foundation of trust and understanding makes children more receptive to guidance and correction when needed.

Connection-building strategies:

• Play No Phone (PNP) Time: Dedicate undistracted, phone-free time to play with your child
• The Fill-Up Game: Use physical affection to "fill up" your child with parental love
• Emotional Vaccination: Prepare your child for potentially difficult situations by discussing feelings in advance

Long-term benefits. By focusing on connection, parents can create a more harmonious family dynamic and help their children develop stronger emotional regulation skills.

4. Early experiences shape a child's emotional circuitry

Children digest the information they collect through these interactions and generalize about the world from there.

Critical early years. A child's experiences in their earliest years have a profound impact on their emotional development and future relationships. These early interactions create the blueprint for how they will navigate the world.

Attachment theory. The quality of a child's attachment to their primary caregivers shapes their internal working model – their expectations about relationships and their sense of self-worth.

Neuroplasticity. While early experiences are crucial, the brain remains capable of change throughout life. Parents can help rewire their children's emotional circuitry through consistent, supportive interactions and by modeling healthy emotional regulation.

5. Embrace a growth mindset to build resilience in children

Resilience helps us bounce back from the stress, failure, mistakes, and adversity in our lives.

Defining resilience. Resilience is the ability to cope with and recover from challenging experiences. It's a crucial life skill that can be cultivated through intentional parenting strategies.

Growth mindset principles:

• Embrace challenges as opportunities for learning
• View effort as the path to mastery
• Learn from criticism and setbacks
• Find inspiration in others' success

Fostering resilience. Parents can help build resilience by:

• Allowing children to experience and work through age-appropriate challenges
• Praising effort and progress rather than just outcomes
• Modeling resilience in their own lives
• Encouraging problem-solving and creative thinking

6. Validate emotions to foster self-confidence and regulation

Confidence is our ability to feel at home with ourselves in the widest range of feelings possible, and it's built from the belief that it's okay to be who you are no matter what you're feeling.

Emotional validation. Acknowledging and accepting a child's emotions, even when they're uncomfortable or inconvenient, helps them develop a healthy relationship with their feelings.

Self-confidence. True confidence comes from feeling secure in one's ability to experience and manage a wide range of emotions, not from always feeling "good" or "happy."

Strategies for validation:

• Reflect back what you observe: "I can see you're feeling frustrated right now."
• Avoid dismissing or minimizing feelings: "It's okay to feel sad about this."
• Separate emotions from actions: "It's alright to feel angry, but we can't hit when we're angry."

7. Reduce shame to increase connection with your child

Shame encourages us to avoid contact with others—to hide, to distance ourselves, to move away rather than toward others.

Understanding shame. Shame is the feeling that a part of oneself is unlovable or unworthy of connection. It's a powerful emotion that can hinder emotional growth and parent-child relationships.

Impact of shame. When children feel ashamed, they're more likely to:

• Hide their true feelings and experiences
• Resist seeking help or support
• Develop negative self-talk and low self-esteem

Reducing shame. Parents can combat shame by:

• Offering unconditional love and acceptance
• Focusing on behavior rather than character when addressing issues
• Modeling self-compassion and openness about mistakes

8. Set firm boundaries while maintaining empathy

Boundaries show our kids that even the biggest emotions won't spiral out of control forever.

Importance of boundaries. Clear, consistent boundaries help children feel safe and secure, even as they test limits. They provide a framework within which children can explore and grow.

Empathetic limit-setting. It's possible to maintain firm boundaries while still acknowledging and validating a child's emotions. This approach helps children feel understood while learning important limits.

Boundary-setting strategies:

• Use "I won't let you" statements to assert boundaries
• Offer choices within acceptable limits
• Explain the reasoning behind rules when appropriate
• Remain calm and consistent in enforcing boundaries

9. Foster body autonomy and consent from an early age

Consent, at its core, is about our belief that only we know what is happening for us, only we know what we want, only we know what feels comfortable in any given moment.

Body sovereignty. Teaching children that they have the right to make decisions about their own bodies lays the foundation for healthy boundaries and relationships later in life.

Consent-building strategies:

• Respect a child's desire not to hug or kiss relatives
• Ask for permission before touching or examining a child's body
• Teach children to respect others' physical boundaries
• Model asking for and respecting consent in daily interactions

Long-term impact. Children who grow up with a strong sense of body autonomy are better equipped to:

• Advocate for themselves in various situations
• Recognize and respect others' boundaries
• Navigate complex social and romantic relationships in adolescence and adulthood

10. Approach sleep issues as separation anxiety

Sleep struggles are ultimately separation struggles, because during the night children are tasked with being alone for ten(ish) hours and also with feeling safe enough that their body is able to drift off to sleep.

Reframing sleep problems. Understanding sleep issues as a form of separation anxiety helps parents approach bedtime challenges with empathy and effective strategies.

Attachment and sleep. Children feel safest when their parents are near, making nighttime separation particularly challenging. The goal is to help children internalize a sense of safety that persists even when parents aren't physically present.

Sleep-supporting strategies:

• Create a consistent, comforting bedtime routine
• Use transitional objects (like a special stuffed animal) to represent the parent-child connection
• Gradually increase distance during the falling-asleep process
• Infuse the child's sleep environment with reminders of parental presence (e.g., family photos, recorded messages)

11. Adapt parenting strategies for "Deeply Feeling Kids"

Some kids feel things more deeply and get activated more quickly than other kids. Their intense sensations last longer.

Understanding Deeply Feeling Kids (DFKs). Some children experience emotions more intensely and have difficulty regulating these strong feelings. This can lead to more frequent and intense emotional outbursts.

Challenges with DFKs:

• May resist direct attempts to help or comfort
• Can escalate quickly over seemingly minor issues
• Often struggle with feelings of shame and fear of being "too much" for others

Strategies for parenting DFKs:

• Focus on "holding space" rather than immediately trying to solve problems
• Avoid taking emotional outbursts personally
• Prioritize helping the child feel safe and understood
• Work on emotion regulation skills during calm moments
• Maintain a calm, steady presence during emotional storms

Last updated: July 19, 2024