Grown and Flown

1. Parenting Never Ends: It Just Evolves

What parents want to know boils down to this: How does my family stay close as we move apart?

Constant Evolution. Parenting doesn't cease when children reach adulthood; it transforms. The core question shifts from direct care to maintaining closeness while fostering independence. This involves adapting to changing roles and redefining family dynamics as children navigate their own paths.

Maintaining Connection. Parents grapple with how to remain influential in their children's lives while respecting their autonomy. This requires finding a balance between offering support and allowing them to make their own decisions, even if those decisions differ from what the parents might have chosen.

Redefining Family. As children leave home, families must create new ways to connect, whether through digital communication, shared traditions, or simply being available when needed. The goal is to preserve the essence of family life while nurturing each member's individual growth.

2. Family Closeness: A Culture of Love with Limits

Family closeness is dependent on a culture of love with limits.

Love and Boundaries. Family closeness thrives on a foundation of love, respect, and clear expectations. This involves consistent communication, a focus on character development, and a willingness to set boundaries that promote both individual growth and family unity.

Roots and Scaffolding. In early years, focus on building strong "roots" through love and clear limits. As children mature, gradually remove the "scaffolding," allowing them greater autonomy while still providing support and guidance.

Sibling Bonds. Parents play a role in fostering positive sibling relationships by setting expectations for respect and reducing barriers to kindness. Nurturing these bonds creates a lasting support system for children as they navigate life's challenges.

3. Happiness is a Skill: Prime Positive Emotions

There is an increasing abundance of studies that talk about the direct effect of positive emotions on the way we perform.

Positive Emotions Boost Performance. Research shows that positive emotions enhance cognitive function, creativity, and overall performance. Priming individuals with positive memories or experiences before tackling tasks can improve their ability to learn, problem-solve, and connect with others.

Cultivating Joy. Parents can encourage happiness by asking about joyful moments, celebrating successes, and fostering a balanced life that includes activities and connections beyond academics. This helps teens develop a positive mindset and build resilience in the face of stress.

Belonging is Key. Feeling a sense of belonging is crucial for success in college. Encourage teens to get involved in campus activities, join clubs, and connect with peers who share their interests. This helps them build a support network and find their place within the college community.

4. Stress is Not the Enemy: It Can Enhance Performance

We need an optimal amount of stress to learn, perform at our best, or change.

Optimal Stress Levels. Stress, when managed effectively, can be a positive force that drives learning, growth, and peak performance. The key is to find the optimal level of stress that challenges individuals without overwhelming them.

Reframing Stress. Encourage teens to view stress as excitement or a challenge rather than a threat. This shift in mindset can improve their ability to cope with pressure and perform at their best.

Coping Mechanisms. Teach teens healthy coping mechanisms for managing stress, such as exercise, mindfulness, and seeking support from trusted adults. Help them develop strategies for balancing their workload and prioritizing self-care.

5. Perfection is a Myth: Embrace Imperfection

Girls today live a painful paradox: they get better grades and go to college in greater numbers than boys, but they outstrip boys on measures of depression, anxiety, loneliness, and stress.

The Pressure to Excel. The pursuit of perfection can lead to anxiety, depression, and a lack of resilience. Teens, especially girls, often feel pressure to be "superhuman," excelling in academics, athletics, and social life while maintaining a flawless image.

Healthy Risk-Taking. Encourage teens to take intellectual risks, embrace challenges, and view failures as learning opportunities. Help them understand that setbacks are a normal part of life and that resilience is built through overcoming adversity.

Self-Compassion. Teach teens to treat themselves with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult times. Encourage them to practice self-compassion by recognizing their common humanity, being mindful of their emotions, and offering themselves the same support they would offer a friend.

6. Teens Need Autonomy: Trust and Step Back

I want you to understand that you alone are responsible for your safety.

Empowering Teens. Electronically trailing teens can blur the lines of responsibility for their safety. By stepping back and trusting teens to make their own decisions, parents send an empowering message that fosters independence and self-reliance.

Privacy and Trust. Giving teens space and privacy demonstrates trust and encourages them to take ownership of their lives. This involves respecting their boundaries, avoiding constant monitoring, and allowing them to make mistakes and learn from them.

Open Communication. Maintaining open communication is essential, even as teens gain independence. Create a safe space where they feel comfortable sharing their thoughts, feelings, and concerns without fear of judgment.

7. Communication is Key: But Know When to Stop

Parents who co-ruminate with their children are on the right path in building warmth and closeness in their relationships. They just need to learn to stop some conversations sooner.

The Power of Talking. Open and honest communication is essential for maintaining close relationships with teens. Encourage them to share their thoughts, feelings, and experiences, and listen with empathy and understanding.

Avoiding Co-Rumination. While talking about problems is healthy, excessive rehashing and dwelling on negative feelings can amplify stress and increase the risk of anxiety and depression. Learn to recognize when conversations become circular and suggest a distraction or a change of subject.

Empathetic Listening. Respond with empathy and validation, but avoid probing questions or dwelling on the negative. Instead, help them focus on solutions and empower them to take control of their situation.

8. College is a Launchpad: Not the Final Destination

I believe that if you teach them to be resilient, they will do well wherever they end up.

Focus on Fit. The college admissions process should be about finding a place where teens will thrive, not about chasing prestige or rankings. Encourage them to prioritize factors such as academic fit, campus culture, and personal growth opportunities.

Embrace the Journey. The college experience is about more than just academics; it's about personal growth, self-discovery, and building lifelong connections. Encourage teens to explore their interests, take risks, and embrace the challenges that come their way.

Resilience is Key. Teach teens to be resilient in the face of setbacks and disappointments. Help them understand that failure is a normal part of life and that it's how they respond to challenges that truly matters.

9. The College Transition: A Time of Great Change

The Grown and Flown years begin the day your oldest secures a driving permit and end when your youngest moves into their first real apartment.

A Period of Transition. The years between securing a driving permit and moving into a first real apartment mark a significant period of transition for families. During this time, teens are navigating independence, making consequential decisions, and discovering who they are.

Defining Years. The role parents play during these years is crucial. Their influence impacts everything from their children's mental health and behavior to their ability to make responsible choices.

Evolving Relationships. As teens move toward adulthood, the relationship between parents and children evolves. Parents must learn to balance urging independence with providing support and staying close.

10. The Importance of "Fit": Finding the Right College

Family closeness is furthered by parents taking some responsibility for the relationship between their kids.

Beyond Rankings. College rankings are not the sole determinant of a successful college experience. Finding a school that aligns with a student's individual needs, interests, and learning style is far more important.

Factors to Consider. Encourage teens to consider factors such as campus size, location, academic programs, and extracurricular activities when choosing a college. Help them identify what they value most in a college experience and find schools that meet those criteria.

Campus Visits. Visiting campuses and talking to current students can provide valuable insights into the college experience. Encourage teens to ask questions, explore their surroundings, and get a feel for the campus culture.

11. The Value of a Gap Year: Time to Grow and Discover

Our overemphasis on independence may undermine what has allowed us to thrive throughout the millennia.

A Break from Academics. Taking a gap year can provide teens with valuable time to explore their interests, gain real-world experience, and mature before starting college. This can lead to a more focused and fulfilling college experience.

Personal Growth. Gap years offer opportunities for personal growth, self-discovery, and developing life skills. Teens can use this time to travel, volunteer, work, or pursue passions that may not fit into a traditional academic setting.

Increased Readiness. Students who take gap years often return to college with a clearer sense of purpose, increased motivation, and a greater appreciation for their education. This can lead to improved academic performance and a more positive college experience.

12. Letting Go: The Ultimate Act of Love

We thrive best, and indeed survive, when we remain connected.

Balancing Independence and Connection. Supporting teens as they move toward independence is essential, but it's equally important to maintain a close connection. This involves finding a balance between urging their autonomy and providing support when they need it.

Interdependence. Encourage teens to embrace interdependence, recognizing that nothing is more meaningful or makes us more successful than being surrounded by those we love. This involves fostering a sense of belonging and connection within the family and community.

Trust and Faith. Trusting teens to make their own decisions, even when those decisions differ from what parents might have chosen, is an act of love. It demonstrates faith in their ability to navigate life's challenges and create their own path.

Last updated: March 17, 2025