How to Raise an Adult

1. Overparenting is driven by fear and ego, not just love.

I love my kids as fiercely as any parent does, and I know that love is the foundation for all we do as parents. But in my years researching this book I’ve learned that many of our behaviors also stem from fears; perhaps chief among them is the fear that our kids won’t be successful out in the world.

Beyond love. While parental love is fundamental, overinvolvement often stems from deep-seated fears, particularly the fear that children won't achieve success in a competitive world. This fear can lead parents to define success too narrowly, focusing on external achievements rather than well-being. The author, a former Stanford dean and parent, admits to being part of this problem, driven by the intense overparenting culture of Silicon Valley.

Historical shifts. Several societal changes in the mid-1980s contributed to this shift towards overinvolvement:

• Increased fear of stranger abduction (fueled by media).
• Emphasis on academic achievement due to global competition.
• The self-esteem movement, valuing personhood over outcomes.
• The rise of scheduled playdates and supervised activities.
  These factors, combined with the Baby Boomer generation's desire to be more emotionally present and advocate for their children, created the "helicopter parent" phenomenon.

Ego entanglement. Parents' egos can become intertwined with their children's accomplishments. A child's success is seen as a measure of the parent's worth, leading to excessive involvement to ensure desired outcomes. This focus on parental needs and wants can inadvertently eclipse the child's development of self-efficacy – the belief in one's own capabilities.

2. Our overinvolvement prevents kids from developing basic life skills.

Kids don’t acquire life skills by magic at the stroke of midnight on their eighteenth birthday. Childhood is meant to be the training ground.

Missing fundamentals. By constantly intervening and doing things for our children, we prevent them from learning essential life skills needed for independent adulthood. These aren't just complex skills, but basic tasks like:

• Talking to strangers (clerks, advisors, mechanics).
• Navigating independently (walking, biking, public transport).
• Managing assignments and deadlines.
• Contributing to household chores.
• Handling interpersonal problems.
• Coping with setbacks and challenges.
• Earning and managing money.
• Taking risks and learning from mistakes.

Learned helplessness. When parents consistently solve problems and manage tasks for their children, kids can develop "learned helplessness." They learn that their actions don't control outcomes because a parent will always step in. This lack of "contingency" (learning that actions matter) can lead to passivity and a lack of confidence in their own abilities.

The "doing it for you" trap. A simple framework for skill development is:

• First, we do it for you.
• Then, we do it with you.
• Then, we watch you do it.
• Then, you do it completely independently.
  Overparenting gets stuck in the first two stages, preventing children from reaching the crucial third and fourth stages where true independence and competence are built.

3. The checklisted childhood harms kids' mental health.

We don’t want our kids to bonk their head or have hurt feelings, but we’re willing to take real chances with their mental health?

Rising crisis. College counseling centers report a significant increase in students with psychological problems, including anxiety and depression. A high percentage of students feel overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, lonely, and anxious. This mental health crisis is not limited to elite schools but is seen across various institutions.

Correlation, not just causation. While direct causation isn't proven, studies show a correlation between overparenting and negative mental health outcomes:

• Parental intrusiveness linked to separation anxiety.
• Helicopter parenting linked to vulnerability, anxiety, and self-consciousness.
• Students with hovering parents more likely to be medicated for anxiety/depression.
• Highly structured childhoods linked to less executive function capabilities.

Lack of coping skills. When parents shield children from discomfort and failure, kids don't develop the coping skills needed to handle normal life challenges. Setbacks feel like catastrophic failures, leading to anxiety or depression. The inability to tolerate discomfort and work through problems independently becomes a problem in itself.

4. Overparenting creates young adults unprepared for the workplace.

None of us took a course called “how to hold your kid back,” but overparenting appears to be seriously poor preparation for life in the work world.

Workplace challenges. Employers report seeing parents involved in the job search and even in the workplace, doing things like:

• Submitting résumés for their children.
• Attending career fairs.
• Negotiating salaries and benefits.
• Contacting managers about performance reviews or hours.
  This level of parental involvement is seen as a red flag, indicating a lack of independence and maturity in the candidate or employee.

Missing work ethic. Employers value initiative, problem-solving, resilience, and a willingness to "pitch in" and do "grunt work." Overparented kids, accustomed to having tasks done for them or being told exactly what to do, often struggle with these expectations. They may lack the "can-do" attitude and perseverance needed to navigate workplace challenges.

The "client-service" mindset. Some employers feel colleges contribute to this by providing a high level of service, leading students to expect similar treatment in the real world. However, the root often lies in childhood, where a lack of chores and responsibility prevents the development of a strong work ethic and accountability. Kids need to learn that contributing to the group (family, team, workplace) is expected, not optional or externally rewarded.

5. The college admissions arms race fuels overparenting but is broken.

The college admissions arms race mind-set goes something like this: “If I let my kid write this paper on his own, he might not do well and may even do poorly, and yes I hope he’ll learn from that and do better next time. But he’ll be competing with a classroom full of other children, many of whose parents will have heavily edited or written their kid’s papers. My kid might learn but their kid will get the better grade and be put into the honors program where they’ll be exposed to greater things. Their kid will get into the college I want for my kid.”

The pressure cooker. The intense focus on getting into a small number of highly selective colleges drives parents to extreme measures. This mindset, fueled by rankings and perceived scarcity, leads to:

• Pushing kids into easier classes for better grades.
• Over-involvement in homework, sometimes doing it for them.
• Manufacturing impressive extracurricular activities.
• Hiring expensive tutors and college consultants.
• Editing or writing college essays.

A broken system. The college admissions process, particularly the reliance on metrics like SAT scores and GPA, incentivizes this behavior.

• SAT scores correlate highly with wealth, as test prep and retakes improve scores.
• Rankings often prioritize selectivity and reputation over educational quality.
• Colleges contribute by buying data to boost application numbers and appearing more selective.
  This system creates immense pressure on students and parents, leading to anxiety and a focus on external validation rather than genuine learning or fit.

Mortgaged childhoods. Kids' childhoods become a checklist of achievements designed to impress admissions officers. This focus on future outcomes, driven by parental anxiety about a broken system, means kids miss out on crucial developmental experiences and can feel immense pressure to be perfect, leading to psychological harm.

6. Kids need unstructured time and freedom to thrive.

In the long sticky hours of boredom, in the lonely, unsupervised, unstructured time, something blooms; it was in those margins that we became ourselves.

The value of downtime. A childhood packed with scheduled activities leaves no room for free play and unstructured time. This is a significant loss, as boredom and unsupervised time are crucial for:

• Developing imagination and creativity.
• Learning to entertain oneself and solve problems independently.
• Building self-reliance and confidence.
• Experiencing "flow" – being fully absorbed in an activity for its own sake.

Play is work. Play is not just leisure; it's essential developmental work. It allows children to explore, experiment, take risks, and learn from trial and error without adult direction or judgment. Over-supervising or directing play diminishes its value.

Creating space for play:

• Value unstructured time as a necessity, like sleep.
• Create agreements with other parents for spontaneous playdates.
• Provide open-ended materials (blocks, boxes, art supplies) that encourage imagination.
• Let kids decide how and what to play, even if it seems unproductive.
• Practice being present but not intervening, allowing kids to resolve conflicts and cope with minor injuries.
• Work with neighbors to create safe, free-range play spaces.

7. Teach kids how to think and solve problems, not just follow instructions.

If we’re not letting our kids think for themselves, are we not letting them be?

Thinking matters. In the modern workplace, jobs increasingly require heuristic tasks – figuring things out and applying knowledge to new situations – rather than algorithmic tasks. Critical thinking is essential for economic and social survival.

Undermining thinking. Both schools and parents can inadvertently hinder critical thinking:

• Schools often focus on rote memorization and teaching to the test ("mother robin" approach).
• Parents overdirect, overprotect, and hand-hold, solving problems and making decisions for kids.
  This leads to kids who are good at following instructions but struggle to think independently or apply knowledge in new contexts.

The Socratic method at home. Parents can teach kids to think by engaging in dialogue and asking questions that encourage them to unpack their ideas and reasoning. This "continual questioning" approach helps kids figure things out for themselves:

• Ask "what," "how," and "why" repeatedly.
• Help them articulate how they know what they know.
• Play devil's advocate to challenge their perspective.
• Encourage them to respond to counterarguments.

Beyond academics. Apply critical thinking dialogues to everyday problems, current events, and personal experiences. This helps kids develop a deeper understanding of themselves, others, and the world, preparing them to make better choices and decisions.

8. Build resilience by allowing kids to struggle and fail.

If students are in their late teens or early twenties when they first face their own very normal human trait of imperfection, they’ll lack the “brush it off, get back on the horse, try again, persevere through it” mentality they could—should—have cultivated in childhood.

Failure deprivation. Overprotecting kids from setbacks and failures leaves them unprepared to cope with adversity later in life. Resilience – the ability to bounce back – is built through experiencing struggle and learning to persevere.

The value of "good suffering". Minor mistakes and "curveball" moments in childhood, like not being invited to a party or getting a poor grade despite effort, are crucial learning opportunities. Parents must learn to see these not as traumas to be prevented, but as growth-producing events that build wisdom and perspective.

Building resilience:

• Be present and show unconditional love, especially during setbacks.
• Back off and let kids make choices, take risks, and experience consequences.
• Help them reflect on experiences and figure out solutions themselves ("How are you going to handle that?").
• Set increasingly higher expectations and responsibilities as they gain competence.
• Combat perfectionism by praising effort, not just outcomes ("Growth Mindset").
• Build character by noticing and affirming kindness and contribution.
• Give specific, authentic feedback (praise and criticism) focused on actions, not inherent worth.
• Model resilience by sharing your own struggles, coping strategies, and lessons learned.

9. Help kids discover their own path and purpose, not yours.

We have dreams for them, but musn’t shape the way they dream.

Purpose matters. A sense of purpose – a meaningful goal to which one dedicates their life – is essential for happiness and satisfaction. Many young adults today lack this, feeling a sense of emptiness despite external achievements.

Parental influence vs. control. Parents cannot give a child purpose or force a path upon them. Overly controlling efforts are likely to backfire, leading to resentment and a lack of intrinsic motivation. Instead, parents should play a supporting role:

• Observe and embrace the unique child you have, focusing on their strengths and interests.
• Expose them to different experiences and opportunities.
• Listen for clues about what genuinely interests and energizes them.
• "Fan the flames" of their interests through resources and encouragement.
• Help them find mentors outside the family who are pursuing similar paths.

Beyond prestige. Encourage kids to explore fields they love, even if they don't seem to have a clear career ladder or meet parental expectations for prestige or income. Studying what they love leads to deeper engagement, mastery, and ultimately, meaningful work. Success isn't just about financial gain; it's about finding fulfillment and making a unique contribution to the world.

Model purpose. Share your own passion and purpose with your children, whether it's through your job, volunteer work, or hobbies. Let them see you engaged in something that gives your life meaning, inspiring them to seek the same.

10. Reclaim your own life and model healthy adulthood.

Nothing has a stronger influence psychologically on their environment and especially on their children than the unlived life of the parent.

Parental well-being matters. Overparenting is exhausting and can lead to parental stress, anxiety, and depression. When parents live life primarily through their children's achievements, they neglect their own needs and path, which is unhealthy for everyone.

Putting yourself first. To be a good role model and a capable parent, you must first look after yourself. This isn't selfish; it's essential for your well-being and capacity to help others.

• Discover or reconnect with your own passion and purpose. Your child is not your purpose.
• Learn to say no to excessive obligations that don't align with your values or priorities.
• Prioritize your physical and emotional health (exercise, healthy eating, stress reduction).
• Make time for your most important relationships (partner, friends).
• Interrogate your relationship with money and fear; live within your means and model financial responsibility.

Model adulthood. Show your children what a fulfilling adult life looks like by:

• Pursuing your own interests and goals.
• Managing your own responsibilities and finances.
• Being resilient in the face of your own challenges.
• Making time for relaxation and enjoyment.
• Engaging in meaningful connections with others.

Letting go benefits everyone. When parents step back and focus on their own lives, they give their children the space to grow and become independent. This shift can lead to stronger, healthier relationships between parents and their adult children, as both individuals are living their own authentic lives.

11. Parenting differently requires courage and building a supportive community.

We need not wait to see what others do.

Straying from the herd. Parenting differently from the prevailing overparenting culture requires courage. It can feel frightening to go against the norm, especially when others' fears and opinions are strong. However, waiting for everyone else to change means perpetuating a system that harms both parents and children.

Simple scripts for complicated moments. Be prepared to articulate your parenting values to others politely but firmly. Have simple responses ready for common overparenting scenarios, such as:

• "I prefer to let the kids try to work it out."
• "I want her to learn to go on her own."
• "I make my kid suffer; otherwise, he'll keep assuming I'll do it."
• "I want her to just figure out what she's good at and what she loves."
• "We've stopped trying to predict what some small set of colleges may want, and we've started just living our life."

Building a community. You don't have to go it alone. Find or build a community of like-minded parents who share your values about raising independent adults.

• Get your partner on board to support each other.
• Seek out friends whose parenting style resonates with you.
• Connect with thought leaders and organizations promoting healthy parenting.
• Share your story and ideas with others to inspire change.

Trust your instincts. Ultimately, trust your own judgment and instincts about what is best for your child and your family. You know your child and your situation better than anyone else. Parenting doesn't have to be a constant state of anxiety and competition. By focusing on love, support, teaching skills, allowing struggle, and living your own life, you can raise capable, resilient adults and find more joy in the process.

Last updated: May 3, 2025