It's My Life Now

1. Recognize the signs of an abusive relationship

A relationship is only abusive if it involves physical violence.

Abuse takes many forms. Physical violence is just one aspect of abuse. Emotional, verbal, sexual, and financial abuse are equally damaging. Abusive relationships are characterized by:

• Power and control dynamics
• Cyclical patterns of tension, explosion, and reconciliation
• Erosion of self-esteem and independence
• Isolation from friends and family
• Fear and walking on eggshells

Specific signs include:

• Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
• Controlling behavior (finances, schedules, social life)
• Verbal put-downs and humiliation
• Threats and intimidation
• Blaming the victim for the abuse

2. Prioritize safety when leaving an abusive partner

Seventy-five percent of domestic assaults reported to law enforcement agencies were inflicted after separation of the couples.

Leaving can escalate danger. The most dangerous time for an abuse victim is when attempting to leave or after leaving the relationship. Abusers often escalate violence to regain control. Prioritize safety by:

• Creating a detailed escape plan
• Preparing an emergency bag with essentials
• Informing trusted friends/family of your plans
• Changing locks and routines after leaving
• Obtaining a restraining order if necessary
• Using domestic violence shelters and hotlines

Consider your abuser's access to weapons, history of stalking, and threats to harm you or loved ones. Trust your instincts about potential danger.

3. Understand the cultural roots of domestic violence

Society sends the message that it is more "natural" for boys to be physical, competitive, and aggressive.

Abuse stems from cultural norms. Societal expectations and stereotypes about gender roles contribute to an environment conducive to domestic violence. Key factors include:

• Masculine ideals of dominance and control
• Female stereotypes of passivity and caretaking
• Acceptance of male aggression as normal
• Objectification of women
• Belief that relationship issues should remain private

While these cultural factors don't excuse abuse, understanding them can help survivors recognize that the abuse wasn't their fault. It also highlights the need for broader societal change to prevent domestic violence.

4. Heal from sexual abuse within intimate relationships

If you were in an intimate relationship, it's not really rape.

Sexual abuse by partners is real and traumatic. Intimate partner sexual violence is often minimized or denied, but it's a serious form of abuse with lasting impacts. Key points:

• Sexual coercion or force within relationships is rape
• Effects can include PTSD, depression, and sexual dysfunction
• Healing involves acknowledging the abuse wasn't your fault
• Reclaiming your sexuality and bodily autonomy is possible

Survivors may struggle with intimacy in future relationships. Professional support and joining survivor groups can aid the healing process.

5. Rebuild self-esteem and reclaim your identity

For so long I thought I deserved all the bad things that were happening to me. People tell me all the time I deserve better, but I still have a hard time believing it.

Rebuild your sense of self. Abusers systematically erode their victim's self-esteem to maintain control. Reclaiming your identity and worth is crucial for healing. Steps include:

• Identifying negative self-talk stemming from abuse
• Challenging and replacing those thoughts
• Reconnecting with pre-abuse interests and goals
• Setting and achieving small personal goals
• Practicing self-compassion and self-care

Make a list of your positive qualities and accomplishments. Surround yourself with supportive people who affirm your worth. Consider therapy to work through deep-seated beliefs about yourself.

6. Navigate complex emotions in the aftermath of abuse

Everyone keeps telling me I did nothing wrong. I guess I know that's true. It still feels as though it was my fault somehow. It feels as if I hurt myself and hurt everyone else around me.

Emotional turmoil is normal. Survivors often experience a range of intense and conflicting emotions after leaving an abusive relationship. Common feelings include:

• Guilt and shame
• Anger and rage
• Depression and anxiety
• Grief and loss
• Fear and hypervigilance
• Numbness or emotional overwhelm

These emotions can be confusing and distressing. Remember they're a normal response to trauma. Allow yourself to feel without judgment. Healthy coping strategies like journaling, exercise, and mindfulness can help process these emotions.

7. Make informed decisions about reconciliation

My family thought I was crazy when I said I was thinking about going back. They were angry. They even stopped talking to me.

Temptation to return is common. Many survivors consider returning to their abuser at some point. This impulse stems from:

• Loneliness and fear of being alone
• Financial insecurity
• Pressure from family or cultural expectations
• Manipulation and promises of change from the abuser
• Trauma bonding and cyclic nature of abuse

If considering reconciliation:

• Require completion of a batterer's intervention program
• Look for concrete behavioral changes, not just promises
• Maintain independence and support network
• Have a safety plan in case abuse resumes
• Trust your instincts if you sense danger

Ultimately, prioritize your safety and well-being in any decision.

8. Protect and support children affected by domestic violence

He was never violent with the children. They loved their father. I didn't want the children to grow up without a father.

Children are deeply impacted. Witnessing domestic violence, even without direct abuse, can traumatize children. Effects may include:

• Anxiety, depression, and PTSD symptoms
• Behavioral problems and aggression
• Difficulty in school and relationships
• Increased risk of becoming victims or abusers as adults

To support children:

• Ensure their safety and stability
• Explain the abuse in age-appropriate ways
• Reassure them the abuse wasn't their fault
• Maintain routines and provide emotional support
• Consider counseling for the children

In custody situations, prioritize the children's safety and well-being over the abuser's parental rights.

9. Establish financial and legal independence

After I left, I felt like a lost soul; I didn't have a job, I didn't have any credit, I didn't know how I was going to survive.

Practical independence enables leaving. Financial control is a common abuse tactic. Regaining independence requires addressing practical concerns:

• Secure housing and basic necessities
• Obtain legal assistance for divorce, custody, etc.
• Establish separate bank accounts and credit
• Develop job skills and seek employment
• Apply for public assistance if needed

Resources for survivors:

• Domestic violence shelters and advocacy groups
• Legal aid clinics specializing in abuse cases
• Job training and education programs
• Financial literacy courses
• Government assistance programs

Don't let financial fears keep you trapped. There are resources available to help you rebuild.

10. Seek professional help and support for healing

If you can't handle your problems by yourself, something must be seriously wrong with you.

Getting help is a sign of strength. Professional support can be crucial in healing from abuse. Therapy can help you:

• Process trauma and manage PTSD symptoms
• Develop healthy coping mechanisms
• Rebuild self-esteem and set boundaries
• Navigate co-parenting with an abuser
• Make decisions about reconciliation

Types of support:

• Individual therapy with a trauma-informed therapist
• Support groups for domestic violence survivors
• Crisis hotlines for immediate support
• Substance abuse treatment if needed
• Family therapy to support affected children

Remember, healing takes time. Be patient with yourself and celebrate small victories in your recovery journey.

Last updated: November 19, 2024