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Hold On to Your N.U.T.s

Hold On to Your N.U.T.s

The Relationship Manual for Men
by Wayne M. Levine 2007 224 pages
3.96
326 ratings
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Key Takeaways

1. Embrace Your N.U.T.s: Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms

Your N.U.T.s define you as a man. When you compromise your N.U.T.s, your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms, you compromise yourself!

Define your core values. N.U.T.s are the fundamental principles that guide your life and relationships. They represent your integrity, morals, and psychological well-being. Identifying and adhering to these values is crucial for becoming the man you want to be.

Stand firm on what matters. Your N.U.T.s might include commitments to family, personal growth, or ethical standards. By clearly defining these terms, you create a framework for decision-making and behavior that aligns with your true self. Remember:

  • N.U.T.s are uniquely yours
  • They reflect your authentic self and aspirations
  • Compromising them leads to resentment and unhappiness

Communicate your N.U.T.s. While it's important to share your values with your partner, avoid seeking permission or approval. Live your N.U.T.s consistently, and others will come to respect and trust your commitment to these core principles.

2. Silence Your Inner Child to Become a Better Man

The more you behave like the man you want to be, the more you silence the little boy.

Recognize childish behaviors. The "little boy" inside often manifests as neediness, moodiness, and inability to handle adult responsibilities. These behaviors can sabotage relationships and personal growth.

Take responsibility for your actions. Silencing the inner child means:

  • Acknowledging and processing emotions maturely
  • Avoiding blame and taking ownership of your choices
  • Responding thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively

Cultivate emotional intelligence. Practice self-awareness to identify when your inner child is taking control. Develop strategies to pause, reflect, and choose more mature responses to challenging situations.

3. Express Feelings Without Defensiveness

Once you find your N.U.T.s, never forget them and never compromise them.

Communicate openly and honestly. Sharing your feelings is crucial for intimacy, but it's equally important to do so without becoming defensive or argumentative.

Focus on "I" statements. When expressing emotions, use phrases like "I feel..." rather than accusatory "You always..." statements. This approach promotes understanding without putting your partner on the defensive.

Accept your emotions. Remember that feelings are neither right nor wrong; they simply are. By expressing them without seeking to justify or defend them, you create space for genuine connection and mutual understanding.

4. Cooperate Without Compromising Core Values

Cooperate with her and you'll find that running the sex and romance departments will get a whole lot easier.

Find balance in relationships. Cooperation is essential for a healthy partnership, but it shouldn't come at the cost of your core values (N.U.T.s).

Identify areas for flexibility. Be willing to compromise on non-essential matters:

  • Daily chores and responsibilities
  • Social plans and activities
  • Minor decisions and preferences

Maintain integrity. While cooperating, stay true to your fundamental principles. This balance demonstrates both your commitment to the relationship and your strength of character.

5. Take Charge of Romance and Intimacy

Maybe nobody told you, but to keep the marriage strong and the sex great, the romance must continue, forever. And that's your job.

Prioritize your relationship. Taking responsibility for romance and intimacy is crucial for maintaining a strong, satisfying partnership.

Be proactive and creative. Plan regular date nights, surprises, and thoughtful gestures to keep the spark alive. Remember:

  • Spontaneity is key
  • Small, consistent efforts matter
  • Physical and emotional intimacy are interconnected

Communicate openly about desires. Foster an environment where both partners feel comfortable expressing their needs and fantasies, ensuring mutual satisfaction and growth in your intimate life.

6. Be the Emotional Rock in Your Relationship

Being the rock means expecting that she may not be at her best around the time of her period, and not letting her behavior cause you to get into an argument or force you to avoid her.

Provide stability and support. Being the "rock" means offering emotional strength and consistency, especially during challenging times.

Practice emotional regulation. Develop the ability to remain calm and composed when your partner is upset or stressed. This doesn't mean being stoic or emotionless, but rather:

  • Offering a steady presence
  • Avoiding reactive behaviors
  • Providing comfort without trying to "fix" everything

Demonstrate reliability. Consistently show up for your partner, both emotionally and physically. This builds trust and security in the relationship.

7. Avoid Arguments to Foster Understanding

When you lose, you lose, and when you "win," you lose.

Recognize the futility of arguments. Engaging in heated debates rarely leads to positive outcomes in relationships. Instead, it often creates resentment and distance.

Choose understanding over being right. When conflicts arise:

  • Take a step back to gain perspective
  • Focus on listening and empathizing
  • Seek common ground and solutions

Practice de-escalation techniques. Learn to diffuse tense situations by remaining calm, using "I" statements, and suggesting breaks when emotions run high.

8. Listen Actively and Empathetically

Listening is something you must learn to do better if you want to have successful long-term relationships.

Develop active listening skills. Truly hearing and understanding your partner is fundamental to a strong relationship.

Be fully present. When your partner is speaking:

  • Give your undivided attention
  • Avoid interrupting or planning your response
  • Show engagement through body language and verbal cues

Practice empathy. Try to understand your partner's perspective and emotions, even if you disagree. Reflect back what you've heard to ensure clear communication and demonstrate your attentiveness.

9. Cultivate Meaningful Male Friendships

If you're relying only on women for feedback, you're definitely not getting all of the information you need.

Seek support from other men. Developing trusting relationships with other men provides crucial support, guidance, and perspective that complement romantic partnerships.

Join or create a men's group. Engage with "initiated men" who are committed to personal growth and mutual support. These relationships offer:

  • Honest feedback and accountability
  • Shared experiences and wisdom
  • A safe space to explore emotions and challenges

Balance friendships and romance. While maintaining a strong relationship with your partner, nurture male friendships to achieve a well-rounded support system and personal growth journey.

Last updated:

FAQ

1. What is "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s" by Wayne M. Levine about?

  • Relationship Manual for Men: The book is a practical guide designed to help men improve their relationships by becoming better men, husbands, and fathers.
  • Focus on N.U.T.s: It introduces the concept of N.U.T.s—Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms—as the foundation for a man’s integrity and happiness.
  • BetterMen Tools: The book outlines eight essential tools (the BetterMen Tools) that men can use to navigate relationships and personal challenges.
  • Action-Oriented Approach: It emphasizes actionable steps, real-life examples, and exercises to help men integrate these principles into daily life.

2. Why should I read "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s" by Wayne M. Levine?

  • For Men Seeking Change: If you’re a man struggling with relationships, feeling unfulfilled, or wanting to be a better partner or father, this book offers clear, practical guidance.
  • Unique Male Perspective: The advice is tailored specifically for men, addressing issues often overlooked in traditional counseling or self-help books.
  • Proven, Actionable Tools: The book provides step-by-step tools and real-world stories from men who have successfully applied these methods.
  • Support for Helpers: Therapists, counselors, and anyone supporting men will find valuable insights into what men need to thrive.

3. What are the key takeaways from "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s"?

  • Define and Honor Your N.U.T.s: Identifying and never compromising your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms is crucial for self-respect and healthy relationships.
  • Use the BetterMen Tools: Consistently applying the eight BetterMen Tools leads to more fulfilling relationships and personal growth.
  • Men Need Other Men: Developing trusting relationships with other men is essential for support, accountability, and growth.
  • Action Over Words: Real change comes from action, not just reading or talking about problems—men are judged by what they do.

4. What are N.U.T.s (Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms) in Wayne M. Levine’s method?

  • Personal Core Commitments: N.U.T.s are the boundaries and commitments that define who you are as a man and what you will not compromise.
  • Examples Provided: The book lists sample N.U.T.s, such as “I am faithful to my wife” or “I do not ask for permission,” to inspire readers to create their own.
  • Foundation for Happiness: Compromising your N.U.T.s leads to resentment and unhappiness; honoring them leads to self-respect and better relationships.
  • Living, Not Discussing: N.U.T.s are to be lived daily, not debated or used to seek approval from others.

5. How do I find and develop my own N.U.T.s according to "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s"?

  • Self-Reflection Questions: The book provides guiding questions to help you identify what’s most important to you and where you’ve compromised yourself in the past.
  • Men’s Group Support: Discussing with other men can help clarify and solidify your N.U.T.s, as shared experiences often reveal common challenges.
  • Daily Review and Practice: Keep your N.U.T.s close, review them daily, and practice living them until they become second nature.
  • Avoid Seeking Permission: Don’t share your N.U.T.s with those who might challenge them prematurely; live them confidently and let your actions speak.

6. What are the eight BetterMen Tools in Wayne M. Levine’s approach?

  • Silence the Little Boy: Recognize and quiet the immature, reactive part of yourself that sabotages relationships.
  • Express but Don’t Defend Your Feelings: Share your feelings honestly without justifying or arguing about them.
  • Cooperate Without Compromising Your N.U.T.s: Be supportive and helpful in your relationship, but never at the expense of your core terms.
  • Run the Sex and Romance Departments: Take responsibility for maintaining intimacy and romance in your relationship.
  • Be the Rock: Provide stability and support, especially when your partner is emotional or upset.
  • Don’t Argue: Refuse to engage in unproductive arguments; focus on listening and understanding instead.
  • Listen: Give your full attention and presence to your partner, without trying to fix or judge.
  • Develop Trusting Relationships with Men: Build supportive, honest connections with other men for accountability and growth.

7. How does "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s" suggest men should handle conflict and arguments in relationships?

  • Don’t Argue Tool: The book insists that arguing is always a losing game for men in relationships—when you “win,” you still lose.
  • Express, Then Listen: State your feelings clearly, then stop talking and listen, rather than defending or escalating.
  • Recognize Triggers: Understand that many arguments are rooted in past wounds or childhood patterns, not the present issue.
  • Seek Support from Men: If you feel an argument coming on, step away and reach out to a trusted male friend or mentor for perspective.

8. What role do other men play in Wayne M. Levine’s BetterMen method?

  • Essential for Growth: The book emphasizes that men learn best from other men through mentorship, accountability, and shared wisdom.
  • Initiated vs. Buddies: True support comes from “initiated men” who challenge and support you, not just casual buddies.
  • Men’s Groups and Mentoring: Participating in men’s groups or finding a mentor is encouraged for ongoing support and honest feedback.
  • Avoid Overburdening Women: Relying solely on your partner for emotional support is discouraged; men need male relationships to thrive.

9. How does "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s" address the issue of men’s emotional needs and vulnerability?

  • Silence the Little Boy: The book teaches men to recognize when their emotional reactions are coming from unresolved childhood wounds.
  • Express Without Defending: Men are encouraged to express their feelings honestly, but not to seek validation or approval from their partners.
  • Seek Male Support: Vulnerability is best shared with other men who can provide fathering, not mothering, and help process emotions constructively.
  • Healing Through Action: Taking action to be the man you want to be is presented as the most effective way to heal emotional wounds.

10. What are some of the most impactful quotes from "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s" and what do they mean?

  • “Once you find your N.U.T.s, never forget them and never compromise them.” – This underscores the central message: unwavering commitment to your core values is non-negotiable.
  • “Don’t talk about your N.U.T.s, just live them.” – Actions matter more than words; integrity is demonstrated, not discussed.
  • “Men are judged by their actions. Everything else is just words.” – Real change and respect come from what you do, not what you say.
  • “If I was the man I wanted to be right now, what would I do?” – This guiding question helps men make decisions aligned with their best selves.

11. How does Wayne M. Levine’s advice in "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s" differ from traditional relationship or self-help books?

  • Male-Centric Perspective: The book is written specifically for men, addressing their unique challenges and communication styles.
  • Action Over Analysis: Instead of focusing on endless discussion or analysis, the book prioritizes practical tools and immediate action.
  • Peer Support Emphasis: It highlights the necessity of male mentorship and group support, which is often missing in mainstream advice.
  • Focus on Integrity: The concept of N.U.T.s as non-negotiable terms is a unique framework for building self-respect and healthy boundaries.

12. What practical steps does "Hold On to Your N.U.T.s" recommend for men to start improving their relationships today?

  • Identify Your N.U.T.s: Reflect on what truly matters to you and write down your Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms.
  • Join or Start a Men’s Group: Seek out or create a group of men committed to growth, honesty, and accountability.
  • Practice the BetterMen Tools: Begin applying the eight tools in daily interactions, focusing on one at a time if needed.
  • Take Consistent Action: Don’t wait for perfect circumstances—start making small changes now, and keep moving forward even if you slip up.

Review Summary

3.96 out of 5
Average of 326 ratings from Goodreads and Amazon.

Hold on to Your N.U.T.s receives mixed reviews, with an overall rating of 3.94 out of 5. Many readers praise its practical advice for men in relationships, focusing on establishing core principles and self-improvement. Some find it motivating and a quick, valuable read. Critics argue it lacks specific instructions and relies too heavily on anecdotes. The book's emphasis on male responsibility and building trusting relationships with other men is appreciated. However, some readers find the concepts repetitive or oversimplified. Overall, it's recommended for men seeking to improve their long-term relationships.

Your rating:
4.49
49 ratings

About the Author

Wayne M. Levine is an author and men's coach who specializes in helping men improve their relationships and personal growth. He is known for his straightforward, no-nonsense approach to addressing men's issues. Levine's work often focuses on helping men establish and maintain their core values, which he refers to as "N.U.T.s" (Non-negotiable, Unalterable Terms). His teachings emphasize the importance of male responsibility, self-improvement, and building strong connections with other men. Levine's expertise comes from his experience leading men's groups and workshops, rather than academic research. His writing style is described as practical and motivating, aimed at providing men with actionable tools for personal development.

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