The Truth

1. The pursuit of sexual freedom often stems from unresolved childhood issues

"I wish my parents would have affairs. When my mother and I found photos of my father out with a woman we didn't recognize, I was happy he'd apparently found some romance and excitement outside his desolate marriage."

Childhood trauma shapes adult behavior. Many individuals who pursue extreme sexual freedom or engage in frequent infidelity often have unresolved issues from their upbringing. These can include:

• Emotional neglect or enmeshment from parents
• Witnessing dysfunctional relationships between caregivers
• Lack of healthy boundaries or attachment in childhood

Seeking validation and control. The desire for multiple partners or constant novelty can be an unconscious attempt to:

• Fill emotional voids left from childhood
• Assert control over one's sexuality and relationships
• Avoid the vulnerability required for deep intimacy

2. Monogamy is not inherently natural, but neither is unrestricted sexual freedom

"We expect love to last forever. Yet as many as 50 percent of marriages and even more remarriages end in divorce. Among those who are married, only 38 percent actually describe themselves as happy in that state."

Evolutionary perspective. Humans have a complex mating history that doesn't neatly fit into either strict monogamy or complete promiscuity:

• Our ancestors likely practiced a mix of short-term and long-term mating strategies
• Both monogamy and non-monogamy have evolutionary advantages and drawbacks

Cultural influences. Society's expectations around relationships have changed over time:

• Traditional marriage was often more about economics and alliances than love
• Modern ideals of romantic love and lifelong monogamy are relatively recent

Personal choice. There's no one-size-fits-all approach to relationships:

• Some people thrive in monogamous partnerships
• Others find fulfillment in consensual non-monogamy
• The key is finding what works for you and your partner(s) while being ethical and honest

3. Open relationships require high emotional intelligence and secure attachment

"Open relationships clearly require a high EQ—emotional intelligence—not to mention some seriously secure attachment. And unfortunately, I'm still not there."

Self-awareness is crucial. Successful open relationships demand:

• Understanding your own emotions and triggers
• Ability to communicate effectively about complex feelings
• Willingness to work through jealousy and insecurity

Secure attachment. Those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles often struggle in open relationships:

• Fear of abandonment can lead to controlling behavior
• Avoidance of intimacy can result in using multiple partners as a shield

Emotional labor. Open relationships often require more work than monogamy:

• Regular check-ins and negotiations with partners
• Balancing time and energy between multiple relationships
• Dealing with societal judgment and lack of understanding

4. Polyamory and swinging communities have their own challenges and pitfalls

"Swinging is the best alternative I've seen so far. And I like the way some of the couples form long-term intimate relationships with other couples, becoming both best friends and lovers. But I'm not like Tommy or James or Corey Feldman. I don't get off on seeing other guys sweat on my girlfriend."

Different strokes for different folks. Various non-monogamous communities cater to different needs:

• Swingers often focus on recreational sex with other couples
• Polyamorists seek multiple loving relationships
• Some practice "hierarchical polyamory" with primary and secondary partners

Potential pitfalls:

• Jealousy and comparison between partners
• Uneven distribution of attention or affection
• Difficulty maintaining boundaries and agreements
• Risk of STIs and emotional complications

Community dynamics. Non-monogamous scenes can have their own social hierarchies and pressures:

• Some may feel pressure to participate in activities they're not comfortable with
• Others might use these communities as an escape from deeper personal issues

5. True intimacy involves vulnerability, honesty, and mutual growth

"Only when our love for someone exceeds our need for them do we have a shot at a genuine relationship together."

Vulnerability is key. Real intimacy requires:

• Opening up about fears, insecurities, and past traumas
• Allowing yourself to be truly seen and known by another person
• Risking rejection or hurt in pursuit of deeper connection

Honesty and transparency. Building trust through:

• Sharing your authentic self, including flaws and struggles
• Being truthful about your desires, boundaries, and expectations
• Admitting mistakes and taking responsibility for your actions

Mutual growth and support. A healthy relationship involves:

• Encouraging each other's personal development
• Working through conflicts and challenges together
• Celebrating each other's successes and joys

6. Sexual addiction therapy can be both helpful and problematic

"I've never had a television set of my own, I brought the videos into the family room, where there was a small TV and VCR, old presents from an old uncle."

Benefits of therapy. Sexual addiction treatment can:

• Help individuals understand the root causes of their behavior
• Provide tools for managing compulsive sexual urges
• Offer support and community for those struggling

Potential drawbacks:

• Over-pathologizing normal sexual desires and behaviors
• Creating shame and guilt around sexuality
• Promoting a one-size-fits-all approach to relationships

Critical thinking is essential. When engaging with therapy or self-help:

• Question assumptions and underlying beliefs
• Seek multiple perspectives and sources of information
• Trust your own experiences and intuition

7. The key to fulfillment lies in balancing freedom with meaningful connection

"I wonder why, after I completely fucked her over last night, Anne would still want to sleep with me. Or maybe that is the reason: Being fucked over is what she's used to. As long as she, like Isis today, is in love with someone who can't reciprocate, she may always be sad but her heart will always be safe—because no one can ever truly get to it."

Freedom isn't everything. Unlimited sexual options don't necessarily lead to happiness:

• Novelty can become addictive and unfulfilling over time
• Lack of deeper connection can leave one feeling empty and alone

Meaningful connection matters. Humans have a fundamental need for:

• Emotional intimacy and support
• Feeling truly known and accepted by others
• A sense of belonging and partnership

Finding balance. The goal is to create relationships that allow for:

• Personal growth and autonomy
• Deep emotional bonds and commitment
• Honesty about desires and boundaries

8. Healing childhood wounds is crucial for healthy adult relationships

"As a result of this confusing dynamic, when the child grows up, relationships often begin with 'immediate and total commitment,' but this is soon 'followed by uncertainty and ambivalence.' And, often, 'having an affair is a way to be relieved of the struggle with commitment.'"

Recognizing patterns. Understanding how your upbringing affects your relationships:

• Identifying attachment styles (secure, anxious, avoidant)
• Recognizing triggers and emotional reactions
• Noticing repetitive relationship dynamics

Healing strategies:

• Therapy or counseling to work through past traumas
• Self-reflection and journaling to gain insight
• Practicing self-compassion and forgiveness

Breaking the cycle. Actively working to:

• Develop healthier coping mechanisms
• Set appropriate boundaries in relationships
• Communicate needs and emotions effectively

9. Compersion: learning to feel joy for your partner's experiences with others

"There's definitely a transition period where you have a lot of emotions to work through. So you may have some scary insecurities about whether the other guy is better for her than you or whether he's using you to connect with her. Just know that it's part of the adjustment process."

Defining compersion. The ability to feel happiness for your partner's pleasure or positive experiences with others, even in sexual or romantic contexts.

Challenges to overcome:

• Jealousy and possessiveness
• Fear of abandonment or replacement
• Societal conditioning around monogamy

Developing compersion:

• Practice mindfulness and self-awareness
• Focus on abundance rather than scarcity in love
• Communicate openly about feelings and insecurities

10. The importance of clear communication and boundaries in any relationship

"Here's what I suggest," I tell Anne. "There's going to be a welcome circle where everyone talks about their expectations for the party. And I suggest leaving the room after the welcome circle. If you want to know later whether I did anything, you can ask me and I'll tell you the truth."

Establish expectations. Before entering any relationship or sexual situation:

• Discuss boundaries and comfort levels
• Define what constitutes cheating or breaking trust
• Agree on how to handle potential conflicts

Ongoing communication. Regularly check in about:

• Emotional needs and satisfaction
• Changes in desires or boundaries
• Any issues or concerns that arise

Respect and consent. Always prioritize:

• Mutual agreement and enthusiastic consent
• Respecting established boundaries
• Being willing to renegotiate as needed

11. Love is more than just desire or need; it's about mutual growth and support

"I was so blind. I really thought that when I broke up with Ingrid, it was about wanting freedom. I didn't see at all, despite everything I'd learned, that it was about not wanting to be loved so much. I did exactly what Lorraine warned me not to: I let the grounded adolescent run my life."

Redefining love. True love involves:

• Wanting the best for your partner, even if it doesn't benefit you
• Supporting each other's growth and independence
• Choosing to commit and work through challenges together

Beyond initial passion. Lasting relationships require:

• Effort and intention to maintain connection
• Willingness to be vulnerable and authentic
• Shared values and life goals

Personal growth. Love should encourage:

• Individual development and self-actualization
• Overcoming fears and insecurities
• Becoming the best version of yourself

Last updated: September 4, 2024