Honoring the Self

1. Self-Esteem: The Foundation of a Fulfilling Life

The reputation you have with yourself—your self-esteem—is the single most important factor for a fulfilling life.

Self-esteem defined. Self-esteem is the integrated sum of self-confidence and self-respect. Self-confidence is the trust in one's mind to understand and deal with reality, while self-respect is the feeling of personal worth, the belief that one is deserving of happiness and respect. High self-esteem is the experience that I am competent to live and worthy of happiness.

Impact of self-esteem. Self-esteem affects every aspect of our existence, from our work and relationships to our ambitions and life goals. Positive self-esteem empowers us to face challenges, pursue meaningful goals, and enjoy life's experiences. Conversely, low self-esteem leads to anxiety, depression, and a sense of inadequacy.

Indicators of self-esteem. Positive self-esteem is often reflected in behaviors such as honesty, openness to criticism, ease in giving and receiving compliments, and a general joy in being alive. Physical indicators include alert eyes, a relaxed posture, and a modulated voice.

2. The Heroic Choice: Embracing Consciousness

The first act of honoring the self is the assertion of consciousness: the choice to think, to be aware.

Volitional consciousness. Unlike lower animals, humans have the unique ability to choose whether to engage their consciousness fully. This choice to think, to seek awareness, is the foundation of self-esteem. We are not programmed to think automatically; we must choose to do so.

Evasion and its consequences. Evasion is the act of avoiding awareness when clearer understanding is possible. It leads to self-distrust and undermines our ability to cope with life's challenges. The choice to think is heroic because it requires facing uncomfortable truths and challenging ingrained beliefs.

Free will and responsibility. The doctrine of psychological determinism denies free will, but it is essential to recognize that we have the freedom to seek or avoid awareness. This freedom generates the need for self-esteem, as we must judge whether our choices are appropriate to reality and our well-being.

3. Nurturing Self-Esteem: The Role of Childhood

Be careful what you say to your children. They may agree with you.

Parental influence. While not deterministic, parental messages significantly impact a child's self-esteem. Messages of acceptance, respect, and belief in the child's potential foster healthy self-esteem. Conversely, criticism, overprotection, and invalidation can damage a child's sense of worth.

Key conditions for high self-esteem:

• Full acceptance of thoughts and feelings
• Clearly defined and enforced limits
• Respect for the child's dignity
• Parents with high self-esteem

Psychological visibility. Children need to feel seen, heard, and understood by their parents. Invisibility can lead to feelings of inadequacy and self-blame. Parents who respond with empathy and validation help children integrate their emotions and develop a healthy sense of self.

4. Building Authentic Self-Esteem: Internal Pillars

Self-esteem is the reputation we acquire with ourselves.

Internal vs. external validation. Authentic self-esteem is rooted in internal convictions of competence and worth, not in external achievements or the opinions of others. Measuring our worth by popularity, affluence, or good looks leads to precarious self-esteem.

Key pillars of self-esteem:

• Commitment to awareness: The will to understand and integrate new information
• Will to be efficacious: Perseverance in the face of challenges
• Independence: Thinking for oneself and living by one's own mind
• Integrity: Aligning behavior with one's values
• Self-responsibility: Accepting accountability for one's choices
• Self-acceptance: Embracing oneself without self-oppression

The evolving self. The self is not a static entity but a continually evolving creation shaped by our choices and decisions. We are not prisoners of yesterday's errors; we always have the possibility of change.

5. Guilt: Distinguishing Rationality from Self-Damnation

Self-esteem is rooted internally, rather than in external successes or failures.

Rational vs. irrational guilt. Rational guilt is moral self-reproach for a wrong action, leading to a determination to do better. Self-damnation, on the other hand, is a verdict directed at one's person as such, undermining self-esteem.

Unearned guilt. Unearned guilt often stems from childhood experiences, such as feeling responsible for a parent's death or divorce. It can also be a strategy for maintaining a sense of control in a chaotic world.

Correcting rational guilt. To correct rational guilt, one must own the action, acknowledge the harm done, take steps to make amends, and commit to behaving differently in the future.

6. Motivation: Love vs. Fear

High self-esteem is a powerful force in the service of life.

Fear-based motivation. Low self-esteem leads to a life driven by fear: fear of others, fear of failure, and fear of inadequacy. This can result in defensive behaviors and a distorted perception of reality.

Self-esteem anxiety. Self-esteem anxiety is a state of dread experienced in the absence of any objective threat. It stems from an unconscious conflict between a value imperative and a perceived failure to meet that imperative.

Defense values. To cope with self-esteem anxiety, individuals may adopt defense values, such as seeking popularity, material possessions, or power over others. These values are motivated by fear and aimed at supporting an illusion of psychological equilibrium.

7. Work and Love: Expressions of Self-Esteem

We make ourselves worthy of living by making ourselves competent to live.

Work and self-esteem. Productive work, defined as purposeful activity involving mind and labor, is both a source and an expression of positive self-esteem. It allows us to exercise our competence and contribute to the world.

Love and self-esteem. Authentic love is an emotional response to that which we value highly. People with high self-esteem tend to form relationships with others who share their values and respect their individuality.

Happiness anxiety. Happiness anxiety is the fear of joy, stemming from a belief that one is undeserving of happiness or that it cannot last. This can sabotage relationships and prevent individuals from fully experiencing life's pleasures.

8. Individuation: Evolving Toward Autonomy

Self-esteem is the experience that I am competent to live and worthy of happiness.

The task of individuation. Individuation is the process by which an individual evolves toward increasing autonomy and self-realization. It involves separating from external influences and discovering one's own unique identity.

Matrix shifts. Development can be seen as a series of matrix shifts, from the womb to the world, from mother to the world, and from concrete thinking to abstract thinking. Each shift entails movement toward greater autonomy.

Aspects of individuation. Individuation encompasses sexual, emotional, cognitive, and moral development. It requires challenging limiting beliefs, embracing one's inner signals, and taking responsibility for one's choices.

9. Self-Alienation: Reclaiming the Disowned Self

To honor the self is to be willing to know not only what we think but also what we feel, what we want, need, desire, suffer over, are frightened or angered by—and to accept our right to experience such feelings.

The disowned self. Self-alienation occurs when we cease to recognize aspects of ourselves, such as our bodies, emotions, thoughts, and aspirations, as our own. This leads to a restricted sense of self and dependence on external validation.

Sources of self-alienation. Self-alienation can stem from parental messages, traumatic experiences, and cultural pressures to conform. It often involves repressing emotions and denying one's authentic self.

Reclaiming the self. To reclaim the disowned self, one must cultivate self-awareness, accept one's feelings, and express one's inner life in words and actions. This requires courage, honesty, and a willingness to challenge limiting beliefs.

10. The Art of Being: Self-Awareness, Acceptance, and Assertion

To honor the self is to be in love with our own life, in love with our possibilities for growth and for experiencing joy, in love with the process of discovering and exploring our distinctively human potentialities.

Three pillars of the art of being:

• Self-awareness: Knowing one's needs, desires, emotions, values, and capabilities
• Self-acceptance: Embracing oneself without self-oppression or self-castigation
• Self-assertion: Respecting one's own values and living by one's own judgment

The importance of integration. Successful functioning requires integrating awareness of both external reality and inner experience. Reason and emotion need not be adversaries; rather, they can work together to guide our choices and actions.

The power of choice. Ultimately, we are responsible for the life decisions we make. We are responsible for the conclusions we draw from our experience. The kind of decisions and conclusions we arrive at inevitably reflect the mental operations through which we process the events of our life.

11. Death Anxiety: Confronting Mortality to Embrace Life

The greatest barrier to achievement and success is not lack of talent or ability but, rather, the fact that achievement and success, above a certain level, are outside our self-concept, our image of who we are and what is appropriate to us.

Denial of death. Ours is a culture in which denial of death is exceptionally pervasive. This denial can lead to a fear of life and a reluctance to fully engage in the present moment.

Death anxiety and individuation. Fear of death is intimately tied to fear of the loss of individuality. The refusal to individuate, to evolve, is often a defense against the inevitability of death.

Embracing mortality. To live fully, we must accept the reality of death and love life. This requires a shift in values and priorities, a greater willingness to participate in life, and an appreciation of the preciousness of each moment.

12. Rational Egoism: The Morality of Honoring the Self

The judgment you pass on yourself. Self-esteem is the key to success or failure.

Altruism vs. egoism. Altruism holds that service to others is the primary moral concern, while egoism holds that the pursuit of one's own well-being and happiness is the proper moral purpose.

Life as the standard. Rational egoism is based on the principle that man's/woman's life is the standard of value. This means that we should act in ways that support our survival and flourishing as rational beings.

Virtues of rational egoism. The virtues of rational egoism include rationality, independence, honesty, integrity, justice, productiveness, and pride. These virtues are essential for achieving self-esteem and creating a fulfilling life.

Last updated: February 19, 2025