How to Raise Your Self-Esteem

1. Self-esteem is fundamental to psychological well-being and success

Apart from problems that are biological in origin, I cannot think of a single psychological difficulty—from anxiety and depression, to fear of intimacy or of success, to alcohol or drug abuse, to underachievement at school or at work, to spouse battering or child molestation, to sexual dysfunctions or emotional immaturity, to suicide or crimes of violence—that is not traceable to poor self-esteem.

Self-esteem defined: Self-esteem is the sum of self-confidence and self-respect. It reflects your implicit judgment of your ability to cope with life's challenges and your right to be happy. High self-esteem means feeling confidently appropriate to life, while low self-esteem manifests as feeling inappropriate or wrong as a person.

Impact on life: Self-esteem affects virtually every aspect of our lives:

• Work performance and career success
• Ability to form healthy relationships
• Resilience in face of adversities
• Ambition and goal-setting
• Overall happiness and life satisfaction

The higher our self-esteem, the more likely we are to form nourishing relationships, treat others with respect, and experience joy in simply being alive. Cultivating self-esteem is not about vanity or self-absorption, but about developing a healthy, realistic appreciation of oneself and one's capabilities.

2. Living consciously is the foundation of healthy self-esteem

The more intelligent we are, the greater is our potential for awareness, but the principle of living consciously remains the same regardless of level of intelligence.

Conscious living defined: Living consciously means seeking to be aware of everything that bears on our actions, purposes, values, and goals, and behaving in accordance with what we see and know. It involves generating a state of mind appropriate to the task at hand and taking responsibility for the awareness appropriate to the action in which we are engaged.

Key aspects of conscious living include:

• Thinking independently
• Respecting facts and reality
• Being present in the moment
• Taking responsibility for our choices
• Striving for clarity and understanding

Practicing conscious living enhances self-trust and self-respect, which are fundamental components of self-esteem. By choosing to live more consciously, we strengthen our sense of personal competence and worth, creating a positive feedback loop that further boosts our self-esteem.

3. Self-acceptance is crucial for personal growth and self-esteem

To accept ourselves is to accept the fact that what we think, feel, and do are all expressions of the self at the time they occur.

Self-acceptance explained: Self-acceptance is not about liking everything about ourselves, but about acknowledging and embracing all aspects of our being, including our flaws and shortcomings. It involves treating ourselves with compassion and understanding, rather than harsh judgment or denial.

Key practices for cultivating self-acceptance:

• Recognize and own your thoughts, feelings, and actions
• Practice self-compassion when facing personal shortcomings
• Embrace both your strengths and weaknesses
• Allow yourself to experience and express emotions fully
• Avoid comparing yourself to others

Self-acceptance is a prerequisite for change and growth. By accepting ourselves as we are, we create a solid foundation from which to make improvements and develop our potential. This acceptance allows us to confront our mistakes and learn from them, rather than being paralyzed by self-criticism or denial.

4. Liberating oneself from guilt is essential for building self-esteem

Suffering is just about the easiest of all human activities; being happy is just about the hardest. And happiness requires, not surrender to guilt, but emancipation from guilt.

Understanding guilt: Guilt can be a major obstacle to self-esteem, often stemming from unrealistic expectations, misplaced responsibility, or internalized criticism from others. It's important to distinguish between appropriate remorse for wrongdoing and destructive, self-defeating guilt.

Steps to liberate yourself from guilt:

1. Identify the source of your guilt
2. Examine the validity of your guilt feelings
3. Take responsibility for your actions, but avoid self-blame
4. Learn from mistakes and make amends when appropriate
5. Practice self-forgiveness

Liberating yourself from guilt doesn't mean avoiding responsibility for your actions. Instead, it involves taking a more balanced, compassionate approach to self-evaluation. By addressing guilt constructively, you can learn from past experiences without being weighed down by them, allowing for personal growth and improved self-esteem.

5. Integrating your younger self promotes wholeness and self-esteem

When we learn to forgive the child we once were for what he or she didn't know, or couldn't do, or couldn't cope with, or felt or didn't feel; when we understand and accept that that child was struggling to survive the best way he or she could—then the adult-self is no longer in an adversarial relationship to the child-self.

Understanding the inner child: We all carry within us the child we once were, complete with its experiences, emotions, and beliefs. This "child-self" can significantly impact our adult behavior and self-esteem, especially if it remains unacknowledged or unintegrated.

Techniques for integrating your younger self:

• Reflect on childhood memories and experiences
• Practice compassion towards your younger self
• Identify and challenge limiting beliefs from childhood
• Engage in dialogue with your inner child through journaling or visualization
• Seek therapy or counseling if needed to address deep-seated issues

By acknowledging and accepting our child-self, we can heal past wounds, release limiting beliefs, and develop a more integrated, whole sense of self. This integration leads to greater self-acceptance and improved self-esteem, allowing us to approach life with more confidence and authenticity.

6. Taking responsibility for your life empowers and builds self-esteem

When I finally allowed myself to face full responsibility for my life, I began to grow. I began to change. And my self-esteem began to rise.

Self-responsibility defined: Taking responsibility for your life means recognizing yourself as the primary causal agent in your life and behavior. It involves acknowledging that while you can't control everything that happens to you, you can control your responses and actions.

Key areas of self-responsibility:

• Choices and actions
• Thoughts and emotions
• Personal growth and development
• Relationships and interactions with others
• Career and financial well-being
• Physical and mental health

Embracing self-responsibility is empowering because it puts you in control of your life. Instead of feeling like a victim of circumstances, you recognize your ability to shape your experiences and outcomes. This sense of agency and control directly contributes to higher self-esteem and greater life satisfaction.

7. Living authentically strengthens self-esteem and personal relationships

Good self-esteem demands congruence—which means that the self within and the self manifested in the world be in accord.

Authentic living explained: Living authentically means aligning your actions, words, and beliefs with your true self. It involves being honest about your thoughts, feelings, and desires, even when doing so is challenging or uncomfortable.

Benefits of authentic living:

• Increased self-respect and self-esteem
• Stronger, more genuine relationships
• Reduced stress and anxiety
• Greater sense of purpose and fulfillment
• Improved decision-making and problem-solving

Challenges to authentic living:

• Fear of rejection or disapproval
• Societal or cultural expectations
• Habit of people-pleasing
• Lack of self-awareness

By committing to living authentically, you honor your true self and build a strong foundation for self-esteem. This authenticity also allows for deeper, more meaningful connections with others, as they can relate to the real you rather than a facade.

8. Nurturing others' self-esteem contributes to your own

When we behave in ways that support the self-esteem of others, we support our own.

Reciprocal nature of self-esteem: How we treat others often reflects how we treat ourselves. By nurturing the self-esteem of those around us, we create an environment that supports our own self-esteem growth.

Ways to nurture others' self-esteem:

• Show genuine respect and appreciation
• Listen actively and empathetically
• Offer constructive feedback and encouragement
• Recognize and celebrate others' achievements
• Support others' growth and development
• Create a non-judgmental, accepting atmosphere

By consistently practicing these behaviors, we not only positively impact others but also reinforce our own self-worth and value. This reciprocal process creates a virtuous cycle of mutual respect and support, benefiting both individual and collective self-esteem.

9. Self-interest and community well-being are not mutually exclusive

The values of individualism and enlightened self-interest provide the best possible basis for social cooperation, benevolence, and progress.

Enlightened self-interest: This concept recognizes that pursuing one's own well-being and happiness can coexist with, and even contribute to, the well-being of others and society as a whole.

Key points:

• High self-esteem individuals tend to be more generous and compassionate
• Personal growth and self-actualization often lead to greater contributions to society
• Strong, self-reliant individuals create stronger communities
• Pursuing personal goals can inspire and motivate others

Balancing self-interest and social responsibility:

• Recognize the interconnectedness of individual and societal well-being
• Seek win-win solutions that benefit both self and others
• Cultivate empathy and understanding for others' perspectives
• Engage in community service or volunteering
• Support policies and practices that promote both individual and collective flourishing

By understanding that self-interest and community well-being are not mutually exclusive, we can pursue personal growth and self-esteem without guilt or shame. This balanced approach allows us to contribute positively to society while also honoring our own needs and aspirations.

Last updated: April 25, 2025