How To Think More About Sex

1. Sex is inherently disruptive and overwhelming

We should accept that sex is inherently rather weird instead of blaming ourselves for not responding in more normal ways to its confusing impulses.

Sex defies normalization. Despite societal attempts to tame and normalize sex, it remains a fundamentally disruptive force. It often conflicts with our values, productivity, and relationships. This inherent tension explains why we struggle with sexual issues and feel abnormal.

Historical context matters. For millennia, religion and social customs created confusion and guilt around sex. The sexual revolution of the 20th century promised liberation but failed to address sex's inherently chaotic nature. We still grapple with its power to overwhelm reason and disrupt our lives.

Sex often leads to:

• Destruction of relationships
• Threats to productivity
• Irrational behavior (e.g., staying up late talking to unappealing people)

2. Sexual attraction reflects deeper understanding of another's character

We call a work 'beautiful' when it supplies the missing dose of our psychological virtues, and we dismiss as 'ugly' one that forces on us moods or motifs that we feel either threatened or already overwhelmed by.

Attraction is psychological compensation. Our sexual preferences are not arbitrary but reflect our psychological needs and deficiencies. We are drawn to people who possess qualities we lack or admire, seeking to balance our own character through intimate connection.

Art and attraction are analogous. Just as we appreciate art that provides what we psychologically lack, we find people "sexy" when they embody traits that complement our own. This explains why different people find different qualities attractive – our preferences reveal our inner needs and vulnerabilities.

Factors influencing sexual attraction:

• Childhood experiences and parental relationships
• Personal insecurities and aspirations
• Cultural and social conditioning

3. Love and sex often diverge, creating relationship challenges

Freud summed up the wrenching dilemma that seemed so often to afflict his patients: 'Where they love, they have no desire, and where they desire, they cannot love.'

Love-sex disconnect is common. Many people experience a division between romantic love and sexual desire, often finding it difficult to maintain both with the same person. This can lead to relationship problems, as partners struggle to reconcile their emotional and physical needs.

Historical context provides insight. In the past, love, sex, and family were often separate pursuits. The modern ideal of combining all three in a single relationship is a relatively recent and challenging concept. This expectation creates tension and disappointment in many marriages.

Factors contributing to love-sex disconnect:

• Familiarity breeding contempt
• Unconscious associations with parental figures
• Difficulty transitioning between daily roles and sexual personas

4. Sexual rejection is not a judgment of one's entire being

At moments of crisis, we have only to recall how we ourselves felt about people whom it might have been convenient for us to desire (because they were kind and available and liked us) but who nevertheless left us cold.

Rejection is not personal. Sexual rejection often feels like a comprehensive judgment of our worth, but it's crucial to recognize that it's usually just about physical compatibility. Our tendency to catastrophize rejection stems from deep-seated insecurities and societal pressures.

Perspective shift is key. Understanding that sexual attraction is largely automatic and beyond conscious control can help alleviate the pain of rejection. Just as we have experienced not being attracted to kind and available people, others may feel the same about us without it reflecting on our overall value.

Ways to cope with sexual rejection:

• Recognize it's about compatibility, not personal worth
• Remember times you weren't attracted to others
• Focus on other aspects of your relationships and life

5. Lack of desire in long-term relationships has complex roots

The qualities demanded of us when we have sex stand in sharp opposition to those we employ in conducting the majority of our other, daily activities.

Desire fades for many reasons. Long-term relationships often struggle with diminished sexual desire due to a complex interplay of factors. The transition between daily roles and sexual personas can be challenging, and familiarity can dampen excitement.

Psychological and practical barriers exist. The incest taboo can unconsciously affect desire when partners take on parental roles. Additionally, the practical demands of running a household and raising children can leave little energy for sexual exploration.

Factors contributing to lack of desire:

• Role conflicts (e.g., parent vs. lover)
• Familiarity and routine
• Unresolved resentments
• Physical and emotional exhaustion
• Changing bodies and self-image

6. Pornography can be both liberating and destructive

Pornography, like alcohol and drugs, undermines our ability to endure certain kinds of suffering which we have to experience if we are to direct our lives properly.

Porn's double-edged nature. Pornography offers sexual exploration and release but can also lead to addiction and unrealistic expectations. Its easy accessibility in the digital age has magnified both its benefits and drawbacks.

Balance and integration are crucial. While complete abstinence may be unrealistic for many, uncontrolled consumption can be detrimental. The challenge lies in finding a balanced approach that allows for sexual expression without compromising other aspects of life.

Potential effects of pornography:

• Positive: Sexual exploration, stress relief
• Negative: Addiction, unrealistic expectations, relationship problems

7. Adultery is tempting but ultimately disappointing

What is ultimately 'wrong' with the idea of adultery, as with a certain idea of marriage, is its idealism.

Adultery's allure is deceptive. The excitement and novelty of an affair can seem like an antidote to marital dissatisfaction. However, this view is often rooted in unrealistic expectations and a misunderstanding of the complexities of human relationships.

Reality rarely matches fantasy. While affairs may provide temporary excitement, they often lead to guilt, damaged relationships, and disappointment. The idealization of the affair partner fades, revealing that no single person can fulfill all our needs.

Consequences of adultery:

• Guilt and shame
• Damaged trust in primary relationship
• Possible end of marriage or family unit
• Disappointment when reality doesn't match fantasy

8. Modern marriage expectations are unrealistic and problematic

Marriage is thus a bit like a bed sheet that can never be straightened: when we seek to perfect or ameliorate one side of it, we may succeed only in further wrinkling and disturbing the others.

Unrealistic ideals create disappointment. Modern society expects marriage to fulfill all our needs for love, sex, and family. This expectation is historically unprecedented and sets couples up for failure and frustration.

Acceptance of imperfection is key. Recognizing that no relationship can perfectly satisfy all our needs is crucial for marital satisfaction. A more realistic approach acknowledges the inherent compromises and limitations of any long-term partnership.

Strategies for more realistic marriages:

• Communicate openly about expectations and limitations
• Cultivate individual interests and friendships
• Seek support from family, friends, or professionals when needed
• Regularly reassess and adjust relationship goals

Last updated: August 21, 2024