Kiss My Tiara

1. Reimagine Beauty: It's Not a Competition, It's a Mindset

“Any girl can be glamourous. All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.”

Beauty is subjective. The media often portrays beauty as a narrow, unattainable ideal, leading to self-criticism and insecurity. However, true beauty is about embracing individuality and feeling confident in one's own skin. It's not about conforming to external standards but about cultivating inner strength and self-acceptance.

• Famous beauties are often just as miserable as the rest of us.
• All life is not high school.
• Art museums beat Vogue any day.

Mental makeovers. Instead of focusing on physical flaws, we should shift our attention to appreciating our unique qualities. This involves challenging societal pressures, recognizing that beauty is not a competition, and understanding that true beauty comes from within. It's about valuing our bodies for what they can do, not just how they look.

Practical steps. We can start by remembering that famous beauties are often just as insecure as the rest of us, that high school values are irrelevant in the real world, and that art museums offer a more diverse and inspiring view of beauty than fashion magazines. We should also recognize that bad hair days are inevitable and that plastic surgery is painful and often unnecessary.

2. Health is More Than a Number: It's About Living Fully

“Health: what my friends are always drinking to before they fall down.”

Health is holistic. The pursuit of health should not be about restrictive diets or obsessive exercise routines. True health encompasses physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It's about living a full and vibrant life, not just fitting into a certain size or adhering to rigid rules.

• Complain. Really bitch.
• Do not calm down.
• Masturbate.

Rejecting diet culture. We should reject the notion that thinness is synonymous with health and that we must constantly strive to be smaller. Instead, we should focus on activities that bring us joy and make us feel strong and empowered. This includes activities that encourage self-expression, assertiveness, and a sense of control.

Practical steps. We can start by complaining when we're treated badly, refusing to calm down when we're upset, and masturbating to relieve tension. We should also eat without guilt, avoid the scale, and boycott magazines that promote unrealistic beauty standards. Going to Las Vegas can be a great way to escape the tyranny of health and fitness culture.

3. Food is Fuel, Not a Battleground: Eat Without Shame

“Food is an important part of a balanced diet.”

Food is nourishment. Food should be viewed as a source of nourishment and pleasure, not as an enemy to be feared or a reward to be earned. We should eat without shame, regret, or punishment, recognizing that our bodies need fuel to function optimally.

• Women who eat are sexier.
• Dieting displaces our ambition.
• Low-cal diets can leave us starved for friendship.

Rejecting diet mentality. We should reject the diet mentality that promotes self-criticism and scarcity. Instead, we should cultivate a sense of entitlement and abundance, allowing ourselves to enjoy food without guilt or restriction. This involves recognizing that our worth is not tied to our weight or our eating habits.

Practical steps. We can start by eating without justification, confession, or self-flagellation. We should also recognize that dieting displaces our ambition and that low-calorie diets can leave us starved for friendship. We should also remember that women are starving in other parts of the world and that nobody cares what we put on our plate.

4. Brains Over Beauty: Shape History, Not Just Thighs

“Sure, beauty has the power to excite men. But so does a box of donuts.”

Intellect is power. While beauty may attract attention, it is our intellect and conviction that truly shape the world. We should prioritize our minds over our looks, recognizing that our brains have far greater staying power than our thighs ever will.

• For the first time in history, women in America outnumber the men at universities.
• The women who have truly influenced the world have done so because of their conviction and smarts.
• No woman’s beauty has ever outlived her.

Challenging stereotypes. We should challenge the stereotype that women cannot be both intelligent and desirable. We should celebrate intellectual women and encourage our younger sisters to embrace their inner geek. This involves recognizing that real girl power lies between our ears, not in our appearance.

Practical steps. We can start by embracing our inner geek and encouraging our younger sisters to do the same. We should also remember that the women who have truly influenced the world have done so because of their conviction and smarts, not their looks. We should also recognize that no woman's beauty has ever outlived her.

5. Niceness is Overrated: Be Real, Not a Doormat

“It’s the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have time.”

Authenticity over niceness. We should prioritize authenticity and self-expression over the pressure to be "nice." Niceness can be a form of passive-aggression and can prevent us from speaking our minds and standing up for ourselves.

• Nice is usually not nearly nice enough.
• Niceness alone just doesn’t get a gal that far.
• We’re interested in character in terms of personality.

Rejecting the "good girl" stereotype. We should reject the stereotype of the "good girl" who is accommodating and giving, and instead embrace our own unique personalities. This involves being assertive, funny, and individualistic, and not being afraid to be "not nice."

Practical steps. We can start by recognizing that niceness alone doesn't get us far and that we're interested in character in terms of personality. We should also remember that "good girls" are often passive-aggressive and that we should not be afraid to be "not nice." We should also cultivate our own personalities and keep it real.

6. Harness Your Hormones: PMS as a Power Tool

“Why harangue our loved ones when we can harangue our legislators?”

PMS as a source of power. Instead of viewing PMS as a curse, we should harness our hormonal fluctuations as a source of power and directed action. We can use our monthly mood swings to fuel our activism and fight for social justice.

• We should exploit the hell out of them to combat sexual discrimination.
• We’re chemically compelled to weep, bitch, emote, scream, laugh, eat, and make love with abandon.
• Let’s direct our frustration, rage, and passion toward a greater end.

Estrogen activism. We should use our hormonal upheavals to get something off our chests and direct our frustration, rage, and passion toward a greater end. This involves using our monthly mood swings to contact our legislators and demand change.

Practical steps. We can start by recognizing that PMS is a natural resource and that we should use it to the max. We should also direct our frustration, rage, and passion toward a greater end, such as contacting our legislators and demanding change. We should also remember that we have the Goddess-given gift of getting good and pissed off every month.

7. Own Your Sexuality: Your Body, Your Rules

“If God hadn’t wanted us to touch ourselves, he would’ve made our arms shorter.”

Self-love is essential. We should embrace our sexuality and recognize that our bodies are our own. This involves rejecting the shame and embarrassment that society often imposes on women's sexuality and embracing self-pleasure as a form of self-education and empowerment.

• Our bodies are to remain “hands-off”—even if the hands are our own.
• Taking matters in our own hands, ahem, gives us more power in the long run.
• Treating our clitoris as Disneyland is also a form of self-education.

Rejecting sexual shame. We should reject the notion that our bodies are dirty, stinky, or shameful and that we should use deodorants "down there" to make us smell like something we're not. Instead, we should embrace our natural chemistry and recognize that our bodies are designed to be self-cleaning.

Practical steps. We can start by masturbating to relieve tension and subvert the patriarchy. We should also recognize that our genitals are not Australia and that we should not be ashamed of our bodies. We should also treat our clitoris as Disneyland and recognize that self-love is a form of self-education.

8. Dating is a Screening Process: Every Idiot is a Lesson

“When I’m dating, I look at a guy and wonder, ‘Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?’”

Dating as a learning experience. Dating should be viewed as a process of elimination, not a quest for perfection. Every bad date is a learning experience that brings us closer to finding the right partner.

• Dating is a job audition, beauty contest, and public-speaking engagement all in one.
• Every idiot we go out with is one less idiot we risk spending our lives with.
• The real purpose of a date is so that we can tell our gal-pals about it the next day.

Lowering expectations. We should abandon all hope and approach each date as a source of entertainment and mockery. This involves recognizing that most dates will end in disappointment and that we should not build up our expectations.

Practical steps. We can start by abandoning all hope and approaching each date as a source of entertainment. We should also remember that every idiot we go out with is one less idiot we risk spending our lives with. We should also recognize that the real purpose of a date is so that we can tell our gal-pals about it the next day.

9. Love is Not a Fairy Tale: It's a Real-Life Adventure

“Cinderella lied to us. There should be a Betty Ford Center where they de-program you by putting you in an electric chair, play ‘Some Day My Prince Will Come,’ and hit you and go ‘Nobody’s coming … Nobody’s coming … Nobody’s coming.’”

Rejecting romantic myths. We should reject the fairy tale notion of love and recognize that real love is a complex and messy adventure. This involves challenging the unrealistic expectations that society often imposes on women and embracing the imperfections of real relationships.

• If you’re a strong woman, everyone will think you’re a man-hating lesbian and no one will love you.
• If you’re a strong woman, you don’t need a lover.
• All single women are miserable.

Love is not instant. We should recognize that true love takes time to develop and that we should not expect to find our soulmate on the first date. We should also recognize that love is not always pure bliss and that it can be difficult and challenging.

Practical steps. We can start by recognizing that if we're a strong woman, we're not necessarily a man-hating lesbian and that we do not need a lover. We should also remember that all single women are not miserable and that true love is not instant. We should also recognize that love is not always pure bliss.

10. Marriage is Not a Cure-All: It's a Choice, Not a Must

“Right now, there are two things in my life that need to be done: me and my laundry. I want to marry a man who can do both.”

Marriage is a choice. We should recognize that marriage is a choice, not a necessity, and that we should not feel pressured to marry for the wrong reasons. We should also recognize that marriage is not a cure-all and that it will not solve all of our problems.

• Holy matrimony is not the holy grail.
• A wedding isn’t a marriage.
• A husband should suit our personality, not our checklist.

Rejecting societal pressure. We should reject the societal pressure to marry and recognize that we have the right to choose whether or not to marry, whom to marry, when to marry, and how to marry. We should also recognize that marriage is not the only path to happiness and fulfillment.

Practical steps. We can start by recognizing that holy matrimony is not the holy grail and that a wedding isn't a marriage. We should also remember that a husband should suit our personality, not our checklist and that we should go slow. We should also recognize that marriage ain't for everyone.

11. Sisterhood is Powerful: Support, Don't Sabotage

“Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends.”

Female solidarity. We should recognize the power of female solidarity and support each other instead of competing or sabotaging each other. This involves recognizing that we are stronger together and that we should lift each other up.

• Friends shouldn’t be treated as leftovers.
• Don’t dis the sisters.
• Toot each other’s horns.

Rejecting competition. We should reject the notion that women must compete with each other and instead embrace the power of collaboration and support. This involves recognizing that we are all on the same team and that we should celebrate each other's successes.

Practical steps. We can start by recognizing that friends shouldn't be treated as leftovers and that we shouldn't dis the sisters. We should also toot each other's horns and network like maniacs. We should also avoid the "chicken-dinner syndrome."

12. Money is Power: Earn It, Own It, Wield It

“I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. Rich is better.”

Financial independence. We should recognize that money is a power tool and that we should strive for financial independence. This involves rejecting the notion that wealth is a "guy thing" and embracing our own ability to earn, own, and wield money.

• Women always undersell themselves.
• A husband should suit our personality, not our checklist.
• We’ve got to make like the boys and ask for it.

Rejecting financial dependence. We should reject the notion that we need a man to take care of us financially and instead embrace our own ability to create our own wealth. This involves recognizing that we are capable of managing our own finances and that we should not be afraid to ask for what we're worth.

Practical steps. We can start by recognizing that women always undersell themselves and that we should not be afraid to ask for what we're worth. We should also remember that a husband should suit our personality, not our checklist and that we've got to make like the boys and ask for it. We should also recognize that we should treat a career like a lover.

Last updated: January 25, 2025