Look Me in the Eye

1. Growing up different: The challenges of an undiagnosed Aspergian child

"Look me in the eye, young man!"

Misunderstood behavior. John Elder Robison grew up facing constant criticism and misunderstanding due to his inability to make eye contact and his unusual social behaviors. These traits, later recognized as symptoms of Asperger's syndrome, led to frequent reprimands from adults and isolation from peers. Robison's early experiences highlight the challenges faced by children on the autism spectrum who lack proper diagnosis and support.

Coping mechanisms. To navigate a world that seemed hostile and confusing, Robison developed various coping strategies:

• Retreating into his own world of interests and imagination
• Focusing intensely on mechanical and electronic objects
• Developing a logical approach to social interactions
• Creating elaborate pranks and stories to gain attention and acceptance

2. Seeking connection: The struggle to make friends and understand social cues

"I played by myself because I was a failure at playing with others. I was alone as a result of my own limitations, and being alone was one of the bitterest disappointments of my young life."

Social isolation. Robison's inability to understand and respond appropriately to social cues led to frequent misunderstandings and rejections from peers. His attempts to connect often backfired due to his:

• Literal interpretation of language
• Difficulty reading body language and facial expressions
• Tendency to focus on his own interests in conversations
• Unconventional approach to social interactions

Longing for friendship. Despite his challenges, Robison deeply desired companionship and acceptance. His experiences illustrate the emotional toll of social isolation on individuals with Asperger's, challenging the misconception that they prefer to be alone.

3. Finding solace in machines: Developing a special affinity for electronics and cars

"I have a lot of trouble reading other people. I am not very good at looking at people and knowing whether they like me, or they're mad, or they're just waiting for me to say something. I don't have problems like that with machines."

Predictable comfort. Machines provided Robison with a sense of control and predictability that he couldn't find in human interactions. This affinity led to:

• Developing exceptional skills in electronics and mechanics
• Finding a sense of purpose and self-worth through his abilities
• Creating a niche for himself in the music industry and later in car repair

Translating skills. Robison's deep understanding of machines and systems allowed him to approach human interactions in a more systematic way, gradually improving his social abilities over time.

4. Navigating the music world: Discovering a niche for creativity and acceptance

"I had found a niche where many of my Aspergian traits actually benefited me."

Creative outlet. The music industry provided Robison with an environment where his unique abilities were valued and his eccentricities were more accepted. His experiences in this world included:

• Designing innovative special effects for KISS and other bands
• Developing a reputation for technical expertise and creativity
• Finding a sense of belonging among other creative "misfits"

Building confidence. Success in the music world helped Robison develop greater self-esteem and social skills, demonstrating the importance of finding environments that value neurodivergent strengths.

5. The corporate climb: Facing the limitations of traditional career paths

"As I moved up, the pay increased. Staff Engineer, Manager of Advanced Development, Assistant Director of Planning, Director of Engineering. And, finally, General Manager of Power Systems. After ten years, I was making $100,000 a year. I was the envy of all the people below me in the food chain, but it was a vicious trap."

Mismatched expectations. Despite his technical skills, Robison struggled in the corporate world due to:

• Difficulty with office politics and unwritten social rules
• Frustration with management roles that required less hands-on work
• Feeling like an impostor in higher-level positions

Realizing limitations. Robison's experiences highlight the challenges many individuals with Asperger's face in traditional career paths, where social skills and conformity are often valued over technical expertise and unique problem-solving abilities.

6. Entrepreneurial success: Building a thriving business around one's strengths

"I had finally made myself a place where I could feel safe and secure."

Leveraging strengths. By starting his own car repair business, Robison was able to:

• Focus on his technical skills and special interests
• Create an environment that accommodated his needs
• Build relationships with customers on his own terms

Finding fulfillment. Robison's success as an entrepreneur demonstrates the potential for individuals with Asperger's to thrive when they can create or find work environments that play to their strengths and allow for their differences.

7. Diagnosis at forty: Understanding Asperger's and reframing life experiences

"I realized that all the psychologists and psychiatrists and mental heath workers I had been sent to as a child had completely missed what TR had seen."

Life-changing revelation. Receiving an Asperger's diagnosis in adulthood allowed Robison to:

• Understand and reframe his past experiences
• Develop new strategies for managing his challenges
• Feel a sense of belonging and validation

Empowerment through knowledge. Learning about Asperger's helped Robison move from feeling like a "fraud" to recognizing his unique strengths and challenges, illustrating the importance of proper diagnosis and understanding for individuals on the autism spectrum.

8. Relationships and family: Learning to connect and build lasting bonds

"For the first time in my life, I put on a nice button-down shirt and a tie each morning. I was even on time, most of the time."

Building connections. Despite his challenges, Robison was able to form meaningful relationships, including:

• Finding love and companionship in marriage
• Developing a close relationship with his son
• Maintaining friendships and professional connections

Adapting and growing. Robison's experiences show that individuals with Asperger's can learn to navigate relationships and form deep connections, often by finding partners and friends who understand and appreciate their unique traits.

9. Developing coping strategies: Adapting to a neurotypical world

"I have taught myself to remember what's happening with people close to my friends. When I see someone I have not seen in a while, I sometimes remember to say things like 'How's Mallory doing at college?' or 'Is your mother out of the hospital yet?'"

Conscious effort. Robison developed various strategies to navigate social situations more effectively:

• Learning to make appropriate eye contact
• Practicing small talk and social niceties
• Developing systems for remembering personal details about others

Ongoing process. Robison's journey demonstrates that while individuals with Asperger's may always face certain challenges, they can learn to adapt and thrive in a neurotypical world through conscious effort and practice.

Last updated: December 5, 2024