Marry Him

1. The Modern Dating Reality: Fewer Options, Higher Stakes.

The dating world changes once you’re out of your twenties.

The numbers shift. As women age, the pool of available, desirable men shrinks significantly. Census data shows a declining ratio of single men to women over 35, and this is compounded by the fact that many men in this age group are either seeking younger partners or come with complex histories (divorce, kids, issues). This creates a "reverse power curve" where women's options decrease while the stakes (like the biological clock) increase.

It gets harder. The men who are still single after 35 are often different from those available earlier. They may be more jaded from past relationships or lack the commitment-oriented traits that lead men to marry younger. This means older single women frequently encounter men with more baggage or less conventional life paths, making the search for a compatible partner more challenging than it was in their twenties.

Time is a factor. Unlike men, women face a biological deadline for having children, adding urgency to the dating process. Squandering prime dating years on unsuitable partners or unrealistic ideals can lead to regret later when the dating market becomes less favorable. Recognizing this reality is the first step toward making smarter choices.

2. Unrealistic Expectations Sabotage Our Search.

We said we didn’t believe in the fairy tale, but when push came to shove, we wouldn’t settle for less than the fairy tale, either.

Media influence. Romantic comedies, novels, and even wedding announcements often portray idealized versions of love and courtship, leading many women to expect instant sparks, perfect compatibility, and a life free of mundane conflict. This fantasy clashes with the reality of building a life with an imperfect human being, causing disappointment when real relationships don't measure up to the cinematic ideal.

Feminism misinterpreted. While feminism empowered women professionally and personally, it sometimes fostered a sense of entitlement in dating. The idea of "having it all" was misconstrued to mean never compromising on a partner, leading to impossibly high standards. This mindset, while seemingly empowering, often resulted in women empowering themselves right out of a good mate by rejecting perfectly suitable men for trivial reasons.

The "non-problem problem". Modern dating often lacks external obstacles (like class or family feuds). Instead, the conflict becomes internal – uncertainty about whether a partner is "The One." This focus on internal doubt, rather than external challenges, leads women to create their own insurmountable obstacles based on minor flaws, preventing relationships from developing and leaving them single despite having available options.

3. The Problem with Checklists and "The One".

Maybe the man I was looking for on paper simply didn’t exist.

The endless list. Many women carry a mental or physical checklist of desired qualities in a partner (height, job, hobbies, humor, etc.). While some criteria are important, these lists often become excessively long and rigid, making it nearly impossible to find someone who ticks every box. The longer the list, the smaller the pool of potential partners becomes.

The "One" fallacy. The belief in a single "soul mate" creates immense pressure to find a perfect match and avoid making a "mistake." This leads to over-analysis and premature dismissal of potential partners who don't immediately feel like "The One." In reality, compatibility and deep connection can be built with many different people over time.

Judging a book by its cover. Online dating exacerbates the checklist problem by presenting potential partners as a collection of data points. Women often make sweeping assumptions about a person's entire character based on limited information (a photo, a hobby listed, a typo), ruling them out before even having a conversation. This reliance on superficial criteria prevents them from discovering the subjective qualities that truly matter in a relationship.

4. "Settling" vs. "Compromising": Redefining Expectations.

She meant opening herself up to a fulfilling life with a great guy who might not have possessed every quality on her checklist.

The crucial distinction. Many single women confuse "settling" (resigning oneself to misery with an unsuitable partner) with "compromising" (making realistic trade-offs to build a fulfilling life with a good person). True compromise involves accepting that no one is perfect and prioritizing essential qualities over superficial wants.

Prioritizing subjective traits. Experts suggest focusing on subjective qualities like kindness, integrity, maturity, and a generous spirit, which are crucial for a happy marriage, rather than objective traits like height, income, or specific hobbies. While initial attraction matters, prioritizing character over a rigid checklist increases the likelihood of finding a partner who will be a good teammate in life.

Realistic expectations. Happy married couples often didn't experience instant fireworks or meet every item on a checklist. They chose a partner who was "good enough" – someone they respected, enjoyed spending time with, and shared core values and life goals with. They understood that love and compatibility deepen over time through shared experiences and mutual effort.

5. True Compatibility Develops Over Time, Not Instantly.

The way love happens is over time.

Beyond first impressions. The idea that you should "just know" if someone is right for you on a first date is a myth. Many happy couples didn't feel intense sparks initially but developed a deep connection as they got to know each other. Focusing solely on immediate chemistry can lead to overlooking wonderful people who might become loving, supportive partners.

The "Frog Prince" effect. Some of the best partners are "Frog Princes" – people who don't fit your preconceived notion of a romantic lead but reveal their princely qualities over time. Giving someone a chance beyond the first date allows you to discover their true character, humor, kindness, and other subjective traits that are essential for long-term happiness.

Love as a verb. In some cultures, love is seen as both a noun (a feeling) and a verb (an action). While initial attraction (the noun) can be powerful, choosing to love someone through actions (the verb) like honoring, cherishing, and caring for them is what sustains a relationship. This active choice to love can deepen connection and even foster romantic feelings over time.

6. Marriage is a Practical Partnership, Not Just Romance.

Marriage isn’t a constant passion-fest; it’s more like a partnership formed to run a very small, mundane nonprofit business.

Beyond soul mates. While the idea of a soul mate is romantic, a successful marriage is fundamentally a socioeconomic partnership. It involves practical considerations like shared finances, division of labor, parenting styles, and life goals. Overlooking these practicalities in pursuit of pure romance can lead to conflict and dissatisfaction later.

The "Business of Love". Approaching marriage with a practical mindset, like running a business, can increase its success. Couples need to discuss and agree upon roles, responsibilities, and financial plans early on. This doesn't diminish love but provides a stable foundation for the relationship to thrive amidst life's challenges.

Teamwork matters. Happy marriages are built on teamwork and mutual support. It's about finding a reliable partner to navigate life's ups and downs together, rather than expecting one person to fulfill every emotional and practical need. This shared journey, with its mundane routines and challenges, can be deeply rewarding and romantic in its own way.

7. Distinguish Wants from Essential Needs.

What you want isn’t necessarily good for you.

The needs vs. wants list. Many women have a long list of "wants" in a partner that are often superficial or unrealistic. Identifying and prioritizing a few essential "needs" (e.g., kindness, reliability, shared core values) is crucial for making realistic choices. A partner who meets your core needs, even if they lack some "wants," is more likely to contribute to long-term happiness.

Contradictory desires. Our "wants" can often be contradictory (e.g., wanting someone spontaneous and wild who also has a stable job). Recognizing these internal conflicts helps clarify what is truly important versus what is merely an idealized fantasy. Focusing on compatibility in essential areas is more productive than chasing an impossible combination of traits.

The "good deal" mindset. Viewing a potential partner as a "package deal" with pros and cons, rather than searching for perfection, is a more realistic approach. Lisa Clampitt, a matchmaker, describes her own happy marriage as getting a "good deal" – her husband had essential qualities she needed, even if he lacked some she initially wanted. This perspective fosters appreciation rather than constant evaluation.

8. Self-Awareness and Accepting Flaws are Key.

People need to realize that they bring their own selves into the equation.

Recognizing our own flaws. Just as we evaluate potential partners, we must also be aware of our own imperfections and baggage. Expecting a partner to tolerate our flaws while being unwilling to accept theirs is hypocritical and hinders relationship success. Self-awareness allows for greater empathy and realistic expectations of others.

Attraction to dysfunction. Sometimes, what we perceive as "chemistry" is actually an unhealthy attraction rooted in childhood experiences or past relationship patterns. Recognizing these patterns and understanding why we are drawn to certain types of people (especially those who haven't worked out in the past) is crucial for breaking the cycle and choosing healthier partners.

Overcoming entitlement. A sense of entitlement, fueled by messages of "girl power" and high self-esteem, can lead women to believe they are "too good" for ordinary relationships or partners. This mindset fosters excessive criticism and prevents them from appreciating the value of a good, reliable person. Humility and a willingness to accept imperfection are vital for finding and maintaining a happy relationship.

9. The Economics of Dating: Supply, Demand, and Value.

In dating, you’re only as valuable as your options.

Market dynamics. The dating world operates on principles of supply and demand. As women age, the supply of available men decreases while their demand (especially for younger women) increases. A woman's "market value" for marriage, particularly if she wants children, may decrease over time, while a man's may increase.

Sunk costs and opportunity costs. Investing time, money, and emotional energy in relationships that don't lead to marriage represents "sunk costs" with no long-term return. Furthermore, spending time with unsuitable partners incurs "opportunity costs" – the lost chance to meet and build a relationship with a more suitable person during a favorable time in the dating market.

Pricing yourself out. Like a product priced too high, women with excessively rigid or unrealistic criteria may price themselves out of the dating market. While it's important to have standards, they must be realistic given the available pool of partners. Being a "satisficer" (finding someone who is good enough) rather than a "maximizer" (holding out for the absolute best) is a more effective strategy for finding a partner.

10. First Impressions Are Misleading.

My own clinical observation is that first impressions are not a strong predictor of marital success.

Beyond the initial spark. Many happy, long-term marriages began without intense, immediate chemistry. Focusing solely on whether sparks fly on a first date can lead to dismissing potentially wonderful partners. Compatibility, shared values, and mutual respect often reveal themselves over time, not in the first hour of meeting.

Changing courtship stories. Research shows that couples often revise their courtship stories over time. Happy couples tend to remember the early stages more positively, while unhappy couples remember them more negatively, regardless of how they felt initially. This suggests that the success of a relationship influences how we perceive its beginning, rather than the other way around.

Give it a second chance. Experts recommend going on a second date even if the first wasn't spectacular, provided there were no major red flags. People can be nervous or awkward initially, and a second meeting allows for a more relaxed interaction where genuine connection might develop. Overthinking early interactions based on rigid criteria can lead to missing out on a good match.

11. Women Tend to Be Pickier Than Men.

Ask men and women what percentage of people they’d date, and women will give a much smaller percentage.

Different criteria. Studies and anecdotal evidence suggest women tend to have more specific and extensive checklists for potential partners than men. While men prioritize factors like physical attractiveness and warmth, women often place higher value on a wider range of criteria including income, education, height, emotional complexity, and shared interests.

The "everything" expectation. Women often seek a partner who can fulfill a multitude of roles – lover, best friend, intellectual equal, emotional confidant, reliable provider, and perfect parent. This expectation for "one-stop shopping" is often unrealistic, as no single person can meet every need. Men, conversely, may be more accepting of getting different needs met through different relationships (e.g., emotional intimacy with female friends, shared hobbies with male friends).

Impact on dating. This difference in pickiness contributes to the challenges women face in the dating market. By ruling out a larger percentage of potential partners based on extensive criteria, women narrow their options. While men also have deal-breakers, they may be more willing to compromise on certain traits if core needs are met.

12. The "Good Enough" Marriage is a Happy Marriage.

Most good enough marriages have the potential to become stronger and better with time, effort, and commitment.

Beyond ecstatic happiness. Research shows that many couples who divorce were not miserably unhappy, but merely "happy enough" (rating their marriage around a 7 out of 10). They sought something "more" or believed they'd find a "soul mate," only to discover later that leaving a good enough marriage often leads to less happiness.

The power of commitment. Commitment itself can be liberating and foster deeper love. Knowing that both partners are dedicated to making the relationship work shifts the focus from "Is this going to work?" to "How can we make this work?" This shared effort and resilience in navigating challenges strengthen the bond over time.

Realistic expectations for marriage. A happy marriage isn't about constant passion or self-actualization through a partner. It's about having a supportive teammate, building a shared life, raising a family (if desired), and navigating the mundane realities together. Choosing a partner who is kind, reliable, and shares core values provides a solid foundation for a fulfilling life, even if it doesn't resemble a fairy tale.

Last updated: April 29, 2025