More Than Two

1. Polyamory: Ethical non-monogamy built on honesty and consent

Polyamory isn't about sneaking off and getting some action on the sly when your girlfriend is out of town.

Ethical foundations. Polyamory is the practice of engaging in multiple romantic relationships with the full knowledge and consent of all involved. It's not about cheating or casual sex, but about building meaningful connections with multiple partners. The core principles of polyamory include:

• Honesty and transparency with all partners
• Respect for each person's autonomy and boundaries
• Commitment to open communication and emotional processing
• Willingness to challenge societal norms and expectations

Polyamory can take many forms, from triads and quads to more complex relationship networks. The key is that all participants freely choose this relationship style and actively work to maintain ethical, loving connections with multiple partners.

2. Self-awareness and personal growth are essential for poly success

You cannot get what you want if you don't ask for what you want.

Know thyself. Successful polyamory requires a deep understanding of your own needs, desires, and emotional patterns. This self-knowledge is crucial for:

• Communicating effectively with partners about wants and boundaries
• Managing jealousy and insecurity
• Making ethical decisions that align with your values

Polyamory often challenges deeply ingrained beliefs about relationships, forcing practitioners to confront their fears and grow as individuals. This can be uncomfortable but ultimately leads to greater self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

Key areas for self-reflection:

• Attachment style and relationship patterns
• Core values and life goals
• Emotional triggers and coping mechanisms
• Capacity for compersion (joy in a partner's other relationships)

3. Effective communication is the cornerstone of healthy poly relationships

The most successful people in life recognize, that in life they create their own love, they manufacture their own meaning, they generate their own motivation.

Clear, compassionate dialogue. Open and honest communication is vital in polyamory, as it helps navigate complex emotional terrain and ensures all partners' needs are met. Key communication skills include:

• Active listening without judgment
• Expressing needs and boundaries clearly
• Non-violent communication techniques
• Regular check-ins and relationship maintenance talks

Poly relationships often require more explicit communication than monogamous ones, as there are fewer societal scripts to fall back on. This can be challenging but ultimately leads to deeper intimacy and understanding between partners.

Common communication pitfalls to avoid:

• Assuming rather than asking
• Passive-aggressive behavior
• Triangulation (speaking through others instead of directly)
• Failing to express needs out of fear or guilt

4. Boundaries, not rules, create empowered poly partnerships

The people in a relationship are more important than the relationship.

Personal autonomy. Healthy poly relationships focus on personal boundaries rather than rigid rules imposed on others. This approach:

• Respects each person's agency and decision-making power
• Allows relationships to evolve naturally
• Reduces resentment and power struggles

Boundaries are about what you will or won't do, while rules dictate others' behavior. For example, "I won't have unprotected sex with new partners" is a boundary, while "You can't have sex with others without my permission" is a rule.

Examples of healthy poly boundaries:

• Limits on time and energy commitments
• Personal space and privacy needs
• Sexual health practices
• Emotional availability and support expectations

5. Jealousy is manageable through self-reflection and open dialogue

Jealousy is the feeling we get when we drag tomorrow's rain cloud over today's sunshine.

Emotional intelligence. Jealousy is a common emotion in poly relationships, but it doesn't have to be destructive. Managing jealousy involves:

• Identifying the root causes (e.g., insecurity, fear of loss)
• Communicating feelings openly with partners
• Developing self-soothing techniques
• Reframing negative thoughts into positive ones

Many poly practitioners find that working through jealousy leads to personal growth and stronger relationships. It's important to remember that jealousy is often more about internal issues than external circumstances.

Strategies for coping with jealousy:

• Practicing gratitude for what you have
• Cultivating compersion (joy in your partner's happiness)
• Building self-esteem and self-worth
• Seeking reassurance and support from partners when needed

6. Time management and fairness are crucial poly skills

Love is infinite; time and attention are not.

Balancing act. Managing multiple relationships requires excellent time management skills and a commitment to fairness. This involves:

• Clear communication about schedules and expectations
• Flexibility and willingness to compromise
• Regular check-ins to ensure all partners feel valued
• Recognizing that "fair" doesn't always mean "equal"

It's important to remember that each relationship is unique and may require different levels of time and energy. The goal is to meet everyone's needs as best as possible while maintaining personal balance.

Time management tools for poly relationships:

• Shared calendars
• Regular date nights with each partner
• Time blocked for self-care and personal pursuits
• Periodic relationship check-ins and adjustments

7. Opening a relationship requires patience, flexibility, and courage

Life rewards courage.

Embracing change. Transitioning from monogamy to polyamory can be challenging for established couples. It requires:

• Honest communication about desires and fears
• Willingness to confront jealousy and insecurity
• Flexibility as the relationship evolves
• Patience with the learning process

Many couples find that opening their relationship leads to personal growth and a deeper connection with their primary partner. However, it's important to be prepared for unexpected emotions and challenges along the way.

Steps for opening a relationship:

• Educate yourselves about polyamory (books, workshops, support groups)
• Discuss boundaries and expectations thoroughly
• Start slowly, perhaps with dating or swinging
• Be prepared to adjust your approach as you learn what works for you

8. Poly relationships with children need extra care and consideration

Children are the most important commitment many people will ever make.

Family-focused polyamory. Navigating polyamory with children involves additional considerations:

• Age-appropriate communication about relationships
• Maintaining stability and consistency for children
• Respecting co-parenting agreements
• Addressing societal stigma and potential legal issues

Many poly families find that having multiple loving adults in children's lives can be beneficial. However, it's crucial to prioritize the children's well-being and emotional security throughout the process.

Best practices for poly parenting:

• Establish clear boundaries and expectations with all partners
• Maintain open, honest communication with children
• Create a support network of poly-friendly professionals (therapists, lawyers)
• Be prepared to advocate for your family in various settings (school, healthcare)

9. New relationship energy (NRE) can be both exciting and challenging

New relationship energy lets us start a relationship bathed in delight.

Balancing excitement and stability. New relationship energy (NRE) is the intense excitement and infatuation often experienced at the start of a new relationship. In poly contexts, NRE can:

• Bring joy and renewed energy to all relationships
• Create challenges in balancing attention between partners
• Trigger insecurity or jealousy in established relationships

It's important to recognize NRE for what it is and not make major life decisions based solely on this temporary state. Open communication with all partners about NRE's effects is crucial.

Strategies for managing NRE:

• Set realistic expectations with new and existing partners
• Make extra effort to nurture established relationships
• Practice self-awareness to avoid neglecting responsibilities
• Enjoy the excitement while recognizing its temporary nature

10. Being the "pivot" in multiple relationships demands balance and integrity

Your choices are always yours, regardless of whether they make you or your partners happy or unhappy. Own up to them.

Ethical leadership. The "pivot" is the person in multiple relationships, often navigating complex dynamics between partners. Key responsibilities include:

• Maintaining clear communication with all partners
• Making decisions with integrity and transparency
• Balancing the needs and desires of multiple relationships
• Avoiding triangulation or playing partners against each other

Being a successful pivot requires strong emotional intelligence, excellent communication skills, and a commitment to ethical behavior. It's important to recognize that while you can't control your partners' feelings or actions, you are responsible for your own choices and their consequences.

Tips for effective pivoting:

• Practice radical honesty with all partners
• Develop strong boundary-setting skills
• Cultivate empathy and active listening
• Take responsibility for your choices and their impacts

Last updated: December 3, 2024