No one understands you, and what to do about it

1. We Are More Opaque Than We Think

The best book ever written on why it is so difficult for us humans to communicate with others and what we can do about it.

Transparency Illusion. We overestimate how clearly we communicate our thoughts and feelings. Our faces are less expressive than we believe, and subtle emotions are often missed or misinterpreted. This "transparency illusion" leads us to assume others understand our intentions, even when they don't.

Judgeability. Some people are easier to read than others. Being "judgeable" involves making relevant information about yourself available to others. This doesn't mean oversharing, but rather expressing yourself in ways that allow others to perceive your true qualities.

Interpretation is Key. Our actions and words are always subject to interpretation. Others don't see us objectively; they filter our behavior through their own experiences and biases. This is why people often have differing opinions about us, even those who know us well.

2. Cognitive Misers Use Shortcuts

Despite your best intentions, your perceptions of people are a mirage, contaminated by your past experiences, needs, and desires.

Heuristics and Assumptions. To conserve mental energy, we rely on heuristics (rules of thumb) and assumptions when perceiving others. These shortcuts, while efficient, can lead to biased and inaccurate judgments. Confirmation bias, primacy effect, and stereotyping are examples of these shortcuts.

Confirmation Bias. We tend to see what we expect to see. If someone believes you are intelligent, they will interpret your behavior as evidence of intelligence, regardless of whether it is truly present. This bias is shaped by stereotypes, past experiences, and cultural norms.

Stereotypes. Stereotypes are beliefs we hold about categories of people. These beliefs, whether positive or negative, influence how we interpret their behavior. Stereotypes can be used to our advantage, but they can also lead to unfair and inaccurate judgments.

3. Perception Occurs in Two Phases

This is a code book for deciphering one of the great riddles of life: why don’t others see us as we see ourselves?

Phase 1: Automatic and Biased. In the first phase of perception, we make quick, automatic judgments based on limited information and biases. This phase is effortless and largely unconscious, relying on assumptions and stereotypes. Correspondence bias, the tendency to attribute behavior to a person's character rather than the situation, is common in this phase.

Phase 2: Effortful Correction. The second phase involves conscious effort to correct initial impressions by considering situational factors and other relevant information. This phase requires mental energy and motivation, and it often doesn't occur due to cognitive miserliness.

The Two Systems. Phase 1 aligns with Daniel Kahneman's "System 1" thinking (fast, automatic), while Phase 2 aligns with "System 2" (slow, deliberate). To achieve accurate perception, we must engage System 2 and move beyond initial biases.

4. Trust Hinges on Warmth and Competence

There is deep power in knowing how to have people see you as only you are.

Two Key Questions. When determining trustworthiness, others subconsciously seek answers to two questions: Do you have good intentions toward me? Do you have the ability to act on those intentions? The answers are derived from perceptions of warmth and competence.

Conveying Warmth. Warmth signals good intentions. Strategies for projecting warmth include:

• Paying attention: Making eye contact, nodding, and smiling
• Showing empathy: Taking the other person's perspective and expressing regret
• Trusting first: Being cooperative and putting others' interests first

Conveying Competence. Competence signals the ability to act on intentions. Strategies for projecting competence include:

• (Appearing to) Have willpower: Avoiding behaviors indicative of low self-control
• Beware of overconfidence: Conveying a realistic sense of confidence and modesty
• Adopting a power pose: Using expansive body language to signal confidence

5. Power Warps Perception

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Asymmetrical Control. Power is defined as asymmetrical control over desired resources. Those with power get to make the decisions, while those without power must live with the results. This power dynamic distorts perception.

The Powerful are Less Perceptive. Powerful people often rely on cognitive shortcuts and stereotypes when perceiving others. They may not feel the need to form complex, nuanced views of those with less power. This can lead to biased judgments and missed opportunities.

Instrumentality is Key. To be seen accurately by the powerful, demonstrate your usefulness. Show how you can help them achieve their goals and make their lives easier. This will incentivize them to invest the mental energy required for Phase 2 processing.

6. The Ego Lens Protects Self-Esteem

Being an authentic leader means being perceived authentically.

Maintaining a Positive Self-View. The ego lens distorts perception to protect and enhance self-esteem. We tend to see ourselves as better than average and attribute our successes to our abilities while blaming failures on external factors.

Social Comparison. Self-esteem is often derived from social comparison. We compare ourselves to others to assess our abilities and accomplishments. To maintain positive self-esteem, we may engage in downward social comparison, focusing on those who are worse off than us.

Strategies to Reduce Threat. When someone else's success threatens our self-esteem, we may employ various strategies:

• Downward comparison: Focusing on our own strengths in other areas
• BIRGing (Basking in Reflected Glory): Associating with successful individuals or groups
• Devaluing the domain: Deciding that the area of success is not important to us

7. Promotion and Prevention Focus Shape Views

There is deep power in knowing how to have people see you as only you are.

Two Motivational Lenses. People tend to view the world through either a promotion focus (seeking gains and advancement) or a prevention focus (avoiding losses and maintaining security). These lenses shape their goals, strategies, and perceptions.

Promotion-Focused Characteristics. Promotion-focused individuals are eager, optimistic, and risk-taking. They are motivated by potential rewards and are open to new opportunities. They may be less detail-oriented and prone to errors.

Prevention-Focused Characteristics. Prevention-focused individuals are vigilant, cautious, and detail-oriented. They are motivated by avoiding mistakes and maintaining the status quo. They may be risk-averse and resistant to change.

8. Attachment Styles Influence Relationships

There is deep power in knowing how to have people see you as only you are.

Early Childhood Experiences. Our early childhood experiences with caregivers shape our attachment styles, which influence our relationships throughout life. Secure attachment leads to healthy relationships, while anxious and avoidant attachment can create challenges.

Anxious Attachment. Anxiously attached individuals crave intimacy but fear rejection. They are often needy, clingy, and emotionally volatile. They may misinterpret ambiguous situations as signs of rejection.

Avoidant Attachment. Avoidant individuals distrust others and avoid intimacy. They value independence and self-sufficiency. They may be emotionally distant and reluctant to provide support.

9. Overwhelm with Evidence to Correct Impressions

There is deep power in knowing how to have people see you as only you are.

Phase 2 Processing. To correct a bad impression, you must get your perceiver to enter Phase 2 processing, where they will consider situational factors and other relevant information. This requires effort and motivation on their part.

Bombardment Strategy. One approach is to overwhelm the perceiver with evidence that contradicts their initial impression. This evidence must be attention-getting and plentiful to overcome their existing biases.

The Key is Consistency. The key is to provide consistent evidence over time, demonstrating that your true character is different from the initial impression they formed. This requires patience and persistence.

10. Make Them Want to Revise Their Opinion

There is deep power in knowing how to have people see you as only you are.

Activate Egalitarian Goals. Remind the perceiver of their commitment to fairness and unbiased judgment. This can be done through compliments or by sharing your own experiences with bias.

Highlight Shared Group Memberships. Emphasize commonalities and shared group memberships to foster a sense of "us" rather than "them." This can reduce prejudice and increase positive perceptions.

Increase Interdependence. Create situations where the perceiver's outcomes depend on you. This will incentivize them to form a more accurate and positive impression of you.

Last updated: March 14, 2025