Playing Big

1. Silence the Inner Critic, Amplify Inner Wisdom

You are not the critical voice. You are the person aware of the critical voice.

Inner critic's nature. The inner critic is a harsh, binary, and repetitive voice that undermines our confidence, often masquerading as reason. It's not a reflection of reality but a safety mechanism trying to protect us from perceived emotional risks. It speaks loudest when we approach our comfort zone's edge, especially when pursuing our deepest desires.

Inner mentor's guidance. Every woman possesses an inner mentor, a source of calm, wisdom, and clarity. This voice knows the right path, offering simple, elegant solutions to complex problems. Accessing this inner mentor requires quieting the critic and turning inward.

Practical steps. To manage the inner critic, label and notice its voice, separate it from your core self, create a character to personify it, and compassionately understand its motives. Shift your focus to your inner mentor by visualizing her, asking for her guidance, and acting in alignment with her wisdom.

2. Fear: Friend or Foe? Discern and Decide

The inner critic speaks up with more viciousness and volume when we are exposing ourselves to a real or perceived vulnerability—something that triggers a fear of embarrassment, rejection, failure, or pain.

Two types of fear. Pachad is the fear of imagined threats, often fueled by the inner critic, leading to avoidance and inaction. Yirah, on the other hand, is the fear of inhabiting a larger space, possessing more energy, or encountering the divine, often accompanied by a sense of awe and expansion.

Responding to fear. Pachad requires tools to quiet it, such as labeling the feeling, shifting to a positive state, or analyzing the truth of the situation. Yirah should be welcomed, savored, and allowed to guide us toward growth and authenticity.

Fear's purpose. Fear is a natural response to vulnerability, but it doesn't always serve us. By distinguishing between pachad and yirah, we can move away from limiting fears and embrace the positive kind that propels us forward.

3. Praise and Criticism: Feedback, Not Identity

Feedback doesn’t tell you anything about you; it tells you only about the person giving the feedback.

Feedback's true nature. Feedback is not a reflection of our worth or abilities but rather a reflection of the preferences, biases, and perspectives of the person giving it. It's a source of information about how to reach our intended audience, not a judgment of our value.

Strategic feedback. We should seek feedback from those we want to influence or reach, not from everyone. We should incorporate feedback that is strategically useful for achieving our goals and let the rest go.

Unhooking from praise and criticism. Playing big requires us to unhook from the need for external validation and the fear of disapproval. We must learn to receive both praise and criticism with equanimity, using them as tools for growth rather than as measures of our self-worth.

4. Beyond the Classroom: Unlearn and Relearn

We have a lot of inner unlearning and relearning to do.

School's limitations. Traditional schooling often rewards adaptation to authority, diligent preparation, and absorbing external information, which can hinder our ability to play big. These habits can lead to over-reliance on external validation and a fear of improvisation.

New skills for playing big. We must unlearn the good-student habits and cultivate new skills, such as challenging authority, improvising, trusting our inner wisdom, and making our work visible. These skills are essential for innovation, leadership, and creating meaningful change.

Shifting from student to leader. Playing big requires us to move beyond the confines of the classroom and embrace a more dynamic, creative, and self-directed approach to our lives and careers. We must become active agents of change, not passive recipients of information.

5. Hiding No More: Leap into Action

A leap is an immediate, experimental, simple act—the exact opposite of the overplanned, overthought, perfectionist action so many brilliant women are most comfortable taking.

Hiding strategies. Brilliant women often hide from playing big through various strategies, such as "this before that" thinking, designing in isolation, overcomplicating, curating others' ideas, omitting their own stories, and seeking endless education. These strategies create a false sense of progress while avoiding the vulnerability of real action.

The power of leaping. A leap is a simple, immediate action that gets us playing bigger now. It's a way to break free from hiding and move toward our goals with courage and curiosity. Leaps are characterized by simplicity, a sense of stretch, and a focus on learning.

Leaping for growth. Leaps are not about perfection or guaranteed success but about learning, growth, and moving beyond our comfort zones. They are a way to test our ideas, gather feedback, and refine our approach, all while experiencing the joy of taking action.

6. Communicate with Power, Not Apology

It’s incredibly powerful to change undermining communication habits so that you are perceived as the intelligent and strong woman you are.

Undermining speech habits. Women often use undermining speech habits, such as hedges ("just," "actually," "kind of"), apologies ("sorry, but"), qualifiers ("I'm no expert, but"), and uptalk, which diminish their perceived competence and authority. These habits stem from a desire to be likable and avoid conflict.

Communicating with power. We can shift from undermining to empowering communication by eliminating these habits and speaking with clarity, confidence, and warmth. This involves making direct statements, using pauses for emphasis, and expressing our ideas with conviction.

Balancing warmth and competence. We can convey both warmth and competence by making bids for connection, expressing genuine interest in others, and sharing our ideas with passion and clarity. This approach allows us to be both powerful and approachable.

7. Callings: Your Unique Path to Contribution

Each of us is gifted with callings. A calling is the pull you feel to address a particular need in the world.

What is a calling? A calling is a deep longing to address a specific need or problem in the world. It's a path through which we can make a meaningful contribution and bring more light and love into the world. Callings can manifest in various forms, from career aspirations to community initiatives.

Recognizing your callings. Callings often reveal themselves through a vivid sense of frustration with the status quo, a powerful vision of what could be, a sense of "this work is mine to do," and a feeling of joy and energy when pursuing it. They often come with resistance and a sense of not being fully qualified.

Honoring your callings. Playing big involves respecting and pursuing our callings, even when they feel scary or inconvenient. We must trust that if a calling has shown up in our lives, it's worth listening to and acting upon.

8. Ease Over Effort: Sustainable Action

This chapter explores a very different way of maintaining motivation and achieving big results, one that’s based on self-care.

Beyond self-discipline. Traditional approaches to motivation often rely on self-discipline and willpower, which are unsustainable in the long run. A more effective approach is to create a supportive environment that makes action easier and more enjoyable.

Creating a supportive system. This involves setting "gift-goals" that resonate with our authentic desires, finding champions and sources of accountability, seeing ourselves in partnership with a larger force, creating plans based on our unique strengths, making desired actions the default, and compassionately investigating when we get stuck.

Sustainable action. By prioritizing ease over effort, we can create a more sustainable and fulfilling path toward our goals. This approach allows us to move forward with joy, grace, and a deep sense of self-compassion.

Last updated: January 14, 2025