Rules of Estrangement

1. Estrangement is a growing phenomenon with complex roots

Every divorce is a unique tragedy because every divorce brings an end to a unique civilization—one built on thousands of shared experiences, memories, hopes, and dreams.

Cultural shifts fuel estrangement. The rise of individualism, therapy culture, and changing family dynamics have contributed to increasing rates of parent-child estrangement. Factors include:

• Heightened expectations for personal fulfillment
• Redefining family ties as voluntary rather than obligatory
• Greater awareness and labeling of "toxic" relationships
• Increased emphasis on personal growth over family loyalty

Multiple pathways lead to estrangement. Common causes include:

• Divorce and remarriage
• Mental illness or addiction (in parent or child)
• Conflicting values or lifestyles
• Influence of spouse or in-laws
• Unresolved childhood issues resurfacing in adulthood

2. Parental mistakes don't justify permanent estrangement

Just because you had a bad childhood and did a better job than your parents doesn't mean that your adult child has to accept all of the ways that they felt hurt by you.

Context matters in parenting. While parents should take responsibility for mistakes, it's important to recognize that:

• Parenting occurs within societal, economic, and cultural constraints
• No parent is perfect, and most do their best with available resources
• Adult children may lack full understanding of parents' circumstances

Proportional responses are key. Permanent estrangement is rarely justified unless:

• Severe abuse or neglect occurred
• The parent refuses to acknowledge harm or make amends
• Continued contact poses a genuine threat to the adult child's well-being

3. Cultural shifts have redefined parent-child relationships

Your relationship with your adult child needs to occur in an environment of creating happiness and personal growth, not an environment of obligation, emotional debt, or duty.

New rules govern modern families. Today's parent-child relationships are characterized by:

• Emphasis on personal fulfillment over duty
• Expectation of emotional intimacy and friendship
• Adult children setting terms of engagement
• Parents needing to "earn" ongoing relationships

Adaptation is crucial. Parents must learn to:

• Communicate in more egalitarian, psychologically-aware ways
• Respect adult children's boundaries and life choices
• Avoid guilt trips or manipulation tactics
• Prioritize the child's happiness over parental expectations

4. Mental health issues complicate family dynamics

Sometimes the cause of the estrangement lies somewhere in that vast desert between—where the complexities of each person's personalities, histories, challenges, or genetics ping-pong back and forth off the other's, and conflict operates less as cause and effect and more like a feedback loop, endlessly amplifying the worst instincts of the parent, adult child, or anyone else who wants to step into the fray.

Mental health impacts relationships. Issues in either generation can lead to estrangement:

• Parental mental illness may cause neglect or instability
• Adult children's mental health struggles can strain family ties
• Undiagnosed or misdiagnosed conditions create misunderstandings

Therapy can help or hinder. While mental health treatment is valuable:

• Some therapists may encourage estrangement prematurely
• Misattribution of all problems to parenting can occur
• Family therapy with a neutral professional often yields better results

5. In-laws can be a major source of estrangement

Like many couples, fathers are fortunate to be able to afford the kind of care that they provided, regardless of the outcome. In addition, they had friends or colleagues who were doctors, lawyers, therapists, or other professionals who could quickly put them in touch with the best of the best for their child.

In-law conflicts are common. Estrangement often occurs when:

• Adult children prioritize spouse over parents
• In-laws have different values or expectations
• Parents struggle to accept diminished role

Strategic responses are crucial. To navigate in-law issues:

• Avoid criticizing spouse to adult child
• Accept daughter/son-in-law as "new alpha"
• Focus on maintaining connection, not control
• Consider family therapy to improve communication

6. Reconciliation requires empathy and new communication strategies

I encourage parents to view his girlfriend as fragile, rather than intentionally divisive. Your attitude about her matters, I emphasized, because the suite of emotions generated by feelings of fear and loss are more likely to get you to overreact, get aggressive, or get all emotional on your child or Maria. This is exactly the opposite of where you want to be.

Empathy is essential. To reconcile, parents must:

• Truly listen to adult children's grievances
• Acknowledge hurt, even if unintentional
• Avoid defensiveness or counterattacks

New communication approaches help. Effective strategies include:

• Writing carefully crafted amends letters
• Using "I" statements to express feelings
• Focusing on the future, not rehashing the past
• Respecting boundaries set by adult children

7. Grandparent estrangement is a painful but solvable issue

For most estranged grandparents, not knowing how the estrangement is affecting the grandchildren is a source of enormous worry. They also fear that the parents are telling the grandchildren that the grandparent doesn't want to see them or is in some other way toxic to them.

Grandparent estrangement has unique challenges. Issues often include:

• Caught in middle of parent-child conflicts
• Differing parenting philosophies with adult children
• Feeling replaced by other grandparents

Solutions require patience and respect. Effective approaches:

• Accept adult children's parenting choices
• Avoid criticizing or undermining parents
• Maintain consistent, loving outreach to grandchildren
• Consider family therapy to improve communication

8. Self-compassion is crucial for estranged parents' healing

Self-compassion is everything. Without self-compassion there is no serenity, no happiness, no resilience, and no future. Your life will be spent in endless infernos of self-loathing, self-doubt, and self-hatred.

Self-blame hinders healing. Estranged parents often struggle with:

• Intense guilt and shame
• Constant rumination on past mistakes
• Feeling unworthy of happiness

Practicing self-compassion is vital. Key components:

• Recognizing shared human imperfection
• Treating oneself with kindness, not harsh judgment
• Mindfully acknowledging pain without over-identifying

Practical steps aid healing:

• Engage in self-care (exercise, hobbies, friendships)
• Seek therapy or support groups
• Cultivate gratitude for positive aspects of life

9. Forgiveness benefits the forgiver more than the forgiven

Forgiveness means replacing bitterness with a kind of wise affection, a parental affection for a child who needs to take this very rigid stance against you.

Forgiveness is a personal journey. It doesn't require:

• Excusing hurtful behavior
• Resuming contact if unsafe
• Giving up boundaries

Benefits of forgiveness include:

• Reduced stress and improved mental health
• Freedom from bitterness and resentment
• Increased empathy and understanding

Steps toward forgiveness:

1. Acknowledge the pain
2. Choose to let go of resentment
3. Develop empathy for the estranged child
4. Focus on personal growth and healing

10. Societal changes have increased pressure on families

The average two-parent family now works 26 percent longer, or seven hundred more hours per year, than did the typical two-parent family in 1975—more time than workers in any other Western democracy.

Modern challenges strain families. Factors include:

• Economic pressures and job insecurity
• Increased parenting expectations
• Social media comparisons and pressures
• Declining community support systems

Societal solutions are needed. Potential improvements:

• Better work-life balance policies
• Increased mental health resources
• Stronger community support networks
• Education on healthy family dynamics

Individual actions matter too. Families can:

• Prioritize quality time together
• Set realistic expectations
• Cultivate gratitude and resilience
• Seek help when needed

Last updated: October 1, 2024