Safe People

1. Unsafe People Have Predictable, Harmful Traits.

While there are many different kinds of unsafe people, many of them fall under three categories: the abandoners, the critics, and the irresponsibles.

Identifying danger signals. Unsafe people possess personal and interpersonal traits that make relationships with them damaging. These traits act as warning signals, indicating caution is needed. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for protecting yourself from hurt and disappointment.

Common unsafe types. Beyond the core categories of abandoners (start but don't finish relationships), critics (judgmental, lack grace), and irresponsibles (don't take care of self or others), unsafe people often:

• Think they "have it all together" instead of admitting weakness.
• Are defensive instead of open to feedback.
• Blame others instead of taking responsibility.
• Lie instead of telling the truth.
• Avoid closeness instead of connecting.
• Are only concerned about "I" instead of "we" (lack empathy).
• Resist freedom instead of encouraging it (can't handle your "no").
• Flatter instead of confronting honestly.
• Condemn instead of forgiving.
• Are unstable over time instead of consistent.

Look for patterns. No one is perfect, but unsafe people exhibit these traits to a significant degree and resist change. Their behavior consistently produces negative "fruit" in your life, hindering your growth and well-being.

2. Our Own Character Flaws Attract Unsafe Relationships.

When people find themselves in destructive relationship after destructive relationship, they must finally decide that the common denominator connecting all those “bad” people is themselves.

Facing the "plank". A recurring pattern of hurtful relationships often points back to our own character issues, not just bad luck or untrustworthy people. Our internal "plank" blinds us to the "specks" in others, making us unable to judge character accurately. We are drawn to people who match an unhealthy pattern within us.

Internal drivers. Several internal factors contribute to choosing unsafe people:

• Inability to judge character: Relying solely on subjective feelings over objective evaluation.
• Isolation/Fear of abandonment: Preferring an unsafe connection to being alone.
• Defensive hope: Hoping someone will change to avoid the pain of reality.
• Unfaced badness: Attracted to others who act out the negative traits we deny in ourselves.
• Merger wishes: Seeking to fuse identity with someone to compensate for perceived lack.
• Fear of confrontation: Unable to set boundaries against hurtful behavior.
• Romanticizing: Idealizing others and ignoring glaring faults.
• Need to rescue: Drawn to needy people to feel valuable.
• Familiarity: Repeating relational patterns learned in childhood.
• Victim role: Acting powerless, allowing others to make choices for us.
• Guilt: Attracted to guilt-inducers who reinforce our internal self-condemnation.
• Perfectionism: Seeking people who reinforce our impossible standards.
• Repetition: Unconsciously repeating destructive patterns.
• Denial of pain/perceptions: Ignoring gut feelings that someone is harmful.

Sanctification opportunity. Recognizing these flaws is not condemnation but an invitation to growth. Addressing our own issues is essential for breaking the cycle and becoming capable of choosing and sustaining safe relationships.

3. Past Hurts (Sin Against Us) Damage Our Capacity for Safety.

How do sins against us destroy safety? Basically, by destroying our ability to connect with others in helpful ways.

Victims of a fallen world. Beyond our own sin, we are also injured by the sin of others. This "sin against us" is a consequence of living in a world where free will allows people to be unloving. These hurts, especially in developmental years, profoundly impact our ability to form safe connections.

Developmental injuries. Sins against us can disrupt core developmental needs:

• Bonding: Abandonment, inconsistency, criticism, or abuse from significant figures can lead to defensive devaluation, making us avoid or devalue love and trust.
• Boundaries: Aggressive, passive, or regressive control, or limitlessness, can injure our ability to set limits, leading to codependency, isolation as the only limit, or inability to keep love in.
• Good/Bad Split: Perfectionism, idealization, shaming, or splitting by others can prevent us from reconciling our own or others' faults, leading to perfectionism, isolation, or fear of being known.
• Adult Maturation: Being treated as a child or parent, controlled, or criticized for adult choices can hinder our ability to relate as equals, leading to compliance, rebellion, or fear of challenging authority.

Lasting impact. These injuries can manifest as various emotional, behavioral, and relational problems throughout life. They create internal blocks that make it difficult to recognize, seek, or receive love from safe people, perpetuating a cycle of isolation or unhealthy connection.

4. Our Sinful Nature (Sin By Us) Contributes to Unsafety.

The truth is, our sinful nature is also our inclination to live without God.

The Fall's legacy. Our inherited sinful nature, stemming from Adam and Eve's rebellion, is not just a desire to do "bad things" but a fundamental inclination to live independently of God. This prideful self-sufficiency damages our relationship with God and others, contributing to unsafety.

Four destructive dynamics. The sinful nature manifests in ways that undermine safe relationships:

• Envy: Resenting others for having what we lack, spoiling generosity and making safe people seem like "bad guys."
• Self-sufficiency: Hating dependence and neediness, preventing us from connecting with others who could provide support.
• Entitlement: Demanding special treatment, making it impossible for normal humans to meet our unrealistic expectations.
• Transgression: Deliberately violating God's boundaries and standards, destroying trust and safety in relationships.

Isolation's root. These internal sins breed isolation, which in turn leads to emotional, behavioral, and relational breakdowns. Addressing these core issues is necessary for breaking free from destructive patterns and becoming capable of healthy connection. Confession and embracing our neediness are antidotes to self-sufficiency.

5. We Often Try Ineffective "False Solutions" to Relational Problems.

These false answers are much of the reason people begin giving up on love and intimacy.

Avoiding the real work. When faced with relational pain, we often resort to strategies that seem helpful but ultimately fail to lead to safe connections. These "false solutions" are attempts to cope without addressing the underlying issues or seeking genuine vulnerability. They lead to repeated failure and discouragement.

Common false solutions:

• Doing the Same: Repeating old patterns without learning from past failures (e.g., choosing similar partners).
• Doing the Opposite: Reacting to past hurts by choosing the extreme opposite, often leading to new, unfamiliar problems (e.g., leaving a controlling partner for a chaotic one).
• Doing Too Much: Engaging in excessive activities (functional over relational) to avoid intimacy and risk.
• Doing Nothing: Becoming passive or paralyzed, failing to take initiative in seeking or building relationships.
• Doing for Others: Using service or caretaking to avoid our own needs for connection and receiving love.
• Doing "Cosmetic Personality Surgery": Making superficial external changes instead of addressing true heart issues, leading to inauthentic connections.
• Doing Without: Giving up on relationships altogether, leading to quiet despair and isolation.

Recognizing futility. These strategies fail because they don't address the root causes of our relational problems or embrace the vulnerability required for true connection. They are often driven by fear and resistance to growth. Identifying and abandoning these false solutions is a necessary step toward finding real safety.

6. Isolation is a Destructive Response to Relational Pain.

When our need to internalize, or take in, others for sustenance, is thwarted, we are injured.

The broken heart. Relational pain, especially from abandonment, inconsistent attachment, or attack, can lead to a "broken heart." This isn't just sadness but a loss of the ability to trust, need, and reach out for connection. The heart shuts down to protect itself from further injury.

Dynamics of withdrawal. Several internal states contribute to choosing isolation:

• Brokenheartedness: The inability to trust or need after significant relational injury.
• Self-sufficiency: Believing we can handle emotional problems alone, avoiding burdening others.
• Inability to Experience Hunger: Becoming numb to the need for relationship, like "spiritual anorexia."
• Devaluation: Devaluing potential connections or past losses to avoid the pain of needing or grieving.
• Perfectionism: Believing our flaws are too great to be loved, or others' flaws disqualify them from connection.
• Merger Wishes: Fearing the reality of separateness in relationships, preferring isolation to the risk of feeling abandoned within a connection.
• Passivity: Avoiding action or initiative in seeking relationships, waiting for others to reach out.

God's design. God created us for connection, and isolation goes against this design. While these dynamics offer temporary protection, they ultimately prevent healing and growth. Recognizing and addressing the roots of isolation is vital for moving toward healthy relationships.

7. Safe People Embody Dwelling, Grace, and Truth.

The best example of a safe person is found in Jesus.

God's character in human form. Safe people reflect the character of God in their relationships. They are not perfect, but their presence draws us closer to God and helps us become the person He intended. Their core qualities mirror those found in Jesus.

Three core qualities:

• Dwelling: The ability to be truly present and connected with others, making them feel seen and known. It's about incarnational presence, being "in the flesh" with someone emotionally and spiritually.
• Grace: Unmerited favor, unconditional love, and acceptance without condemnation. Safe people are "for us," accepting us as we are without requiring us to be different to earn their love.
• Truth: Honesty, reality, and living out God's principles. Safe people speak truth, even confrontation, but do so with love and humility, aiming for restoration, not condemnation.

A balanced reflection. True safety requires a balance of grace and truth. Grace without truth can be enabling; truth without grace can be condemning. Safe people offer both, creating an environment where vulnerability is met with acceptance and honesty leads to growth.

8. We Need Safe People for Essential Growth and Healing.

The Bible teaches very clearly that we need others in order to grow into the people that God wants us to be.

God's instruments. God uses the body of Christ, His people, as primary agents for our healing, growth, and sanctification. Relying solely on a mystical relationship with God while neglecting human connection is an incomplete and unbiblical view of spirituality. Relating to each other in love is a spiritual activity.

Why we need others:

• Fuel: Relationships provide the emotional and spiritual energy needed to face life's challenges.
• Comfort: Others are God's agents for comforting us in pain and grief.
• Strength for Boundaries: Support from others empowers us to set necessary limits against hurtful behavior.
• Foundation for Aggression: Safe people model and encourage healthy initiative and purpose.
• Encouragement and Support: We need others to spur us on and sustain us through difficult times.
• Modeling: Others teach us God's ways and relational skills our families may not have provided.
• Healing: Relationships provide the context for grieving losses and letting go of past hurts.
• Confrontation and Discipline: Safe people lovingly make us aware of blind spots and destructive patterns, helping us change.
• Good Deeds: Others stimulate us toward lives of service and love.
• Rooting and Grounding: Relationships provide stability and security amidst life's storms.
• Love: We learn to receive and give love by experiencing it in relationships.

Interconnected growth. Our spiritual and relational conditions are deeply intertwined. We cannot fully grow into Christlikeness in isolation. Safe people are essential for navigating life, healing from past wounds, and becoming the loving individuals God designed us to be.

9. Finding Safe People Requires Discernment and Effort.

The church is not a totally safe place, and it does not consist of only safe people.

Reality check. While the church is intended to be a place of healing and community, it is composed of imperfect sinners and can be a source of hurt. We must have a biblical view that acknowledges the presence of both "wheat" (safe people) and "weeds" (unsafe people) within the body.

Discerning wisely. Finding safe people requires wisdom, discernment, and character. We cannot rely on wishful thinking or assume everyone with a religious label is trustworthy. Our own healed character allows us to see others clearly.

Where to look:

• Safe Churches: Look for churches where grace and truth are balanced, leaders are humble, community is emphasized, and brokenness is accepted.
• Restorative Friendships: Seek out friends who offer acceptance, mutual support, loving confrontation, and are also engaged in their own growth process.
• Support Groups: Groups (therapy, 12-step, issue-specific) provide a powerful context for realizing universality of pain and practicing trust with others who understand struggle.
• Individual Therapy: For deeper issues, professional therapy with an experienced, reputable therapist can provide specialized one-on-one healing.

Active pursuit. Finding safe people is not passive; it requires actively seeking out environments and individuals who exhibit the qualities of dwelling, grace, and truth. Trust your experience and perceptions, and don't settle for relationships that consistently produce bad fruit.

10. Becoming Safe and Utilizing Safe Relationships Requires Vulnerability and Action.

The first step is the hardest.

Engaging with safety. Once you identify safe people, the work shifts to actively engaging with them in ways that foster growth and healing. This requires overcoming internal resistances and practicing new relational skills.

Key actions for utilizing safe relationships:

• Learn to Ask for Help: Overcome pride and self-sufficiency by directly asking for emotional and spiritual support. Asking demonstrates humility, owns your needs, takes initiative, fosters gratitude, and increases the likelihood of receiving help.
• Learn to Need: Reconnect with buried needs for attachment and connection. Confess your inability to need, don't fake feelings, maintain healthy boundaries, and pay attention to what evokes your hunger for connection.
• Work Through Resistances: Identify and bring your internal opposition to intimacy into the relationship. Understand that resistances are protective but obsolete, and actively pursue the connections they tell you to avoid.
• Invite the Truth About Yourself: Humbly ask safe people for feedback on how you affect them ("What pushes you away? What draws you toward me?"). This reveals blind spots and strengthens the relationship through honesty.
• Enter into Forgiveness: Practice both receiving forgiveness for your faults and giving forgiveness for hurts received. Safe people model forgiveness, helping you integrate judged parts of yourself and become free from the past.
• Give Something Back: Contribute to the relationship and the community. Healthy relationships are mutual; giving back reinforces the value of the connection and combats self-centeredness.

Mutual growth. Engaging with safe people is a dynamic process of giving and receiving. It requires vulnerability, honesty, and a commitment to growth, transforming both individuals and the relationship itself.

Last updated: May 5, 2025