Boundaries with Kids

1. Boundaries define where you end and others begin

In the simplest sense, a boundary is a property line. It denotes the beginning and end of something.

Boundaries clarify ownership. Just as physical property lines delineate land ownership, personal boundaries define what belongs to each individual in a relationship. This includes feelings, attitudes, behaviors, choices, and values. Understanding these boundaries helps identify who is responsible for what in a relationship.

Boundaries prevent blame-shifting. When boundaries are unclear, people often blame others for their own feelings and actions. This was evident in the case of Caroline and Joe, who constantly attributed their behavior to each other's actions. Clear boundaries help individuals take ownership of their own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Boundaries foster individuality. In a healthy relationship, each person maintains their unique identity while connecting with their partner. This balance allows for mutual respect, personal growth, and a deeper, more authentic connection between partners.

2. Ownership and responsibility are crucial for healthy relationships

If we can discover who is responsible for what, we have an opportunity for change.

Taking responsibility empowers change. When individuals recognize that they are responsible for their own feelings, attitudes, and behaviors, they gain the power to make positive changes. This shift from blaming others to taking ownership is crucial for personal growth and relationship improvement.

Responsibility extends to actions. It's not enough to merely acknowledge ownership of problems; individuals must actively participate in resolving relational issues, even if they didn't cause them. This proactive approach leads to growth and positive change in relationships.

Areas of personal responsibility include:

• Feelings
• Attitudes
• Behaviors
• Choices
• Limits
• Desires
• Thoughts
• Values
• Talents
• Love

3. Freedom is essential for genuine love to flourish

God designed the entire creation for freedom. We were not meant to be enslaved by each other; we were meant to love each other freely.

Freedom enables choice. True love can only exist when both partners have the freedom to choose each other. When one person feels controlled or manipulated, it hinders their ability to love freely and genuinely.

Perceived control breeds resentment. Even if actual control isn't present, the perception of being controlled can lead to anger, resentment, and rebellion in relationships. Recognizing one's freedom to make choices, even in difficult situations, is crucial for maintaining a healthy perspective.

Freedom fosters growth. As partners experience freedom in their relationship, they become more capable of love, responsibility, and personal growth. This creates a positive cycle where increased freedom leads to deeper love, which in turn promotes greater freedom and personal development.

4. Boundaries protect and empower individuals in relationships

Boundaries help us to realize our freedom once again.

Boundaries safeguard personal well-being. Just as we protect our physical property, we need to protect our emotional and spiritual well-being. This involves setting limits on harmful behavior and creating a safe space for personal growth and healing.

Boundaries enable healthy vulnerability. By establishing clear limits, individuals can safely open up to their partners without fear of being exploited or overwhelmed. This balance of protection and openness is essential for building trust and intimacy in relationships.

Boundaries promote mutual respect. When both partners have clear, respected boundaries, it fosters an environment of mutual understanding and consideration. This respect for each other's limits and needs strengthens the overall relationship.

5. Self-control is the foundation of effective boundaries

Boundaries are basically about self-control.

Focus on controlling yourself, not others. Effective boundaries are about managing your own behavior and responses, not trying to control your partner. This shift in focus empowers individuals to make positive changes regardless of their partner's actions.

Self-control enables choice. By exercising self-control, individuals can choose how to respond to situations rather than reacting impulsively. This ability to pause and choose a response is crucial for maintaining healthy boundaries.

Self-control serves love. Ultimately, the goal of self-control and boundaries is to create an environment where love can thrive. By managing our own behavior and responses, we create space for intentional, purposeful love in our relationships.

6. Words, truth, and consequences establish clear boundaries

Your words help define you. They tell the other person who you are, what you believe, what you want, and what you don't.

Clear communication is essential. Using words to express likes, dislikes, wants, and needs helps define personal boundaries. Silence or a lack of clear communication can lead to misunderstandings and boundary violations.

Truth provides structure and safety. Living within God's truths and principles provides a framework for healthy relationships. Being honest about oneself and the state of the relationship is crucial for maintaining authentic connections.

Consequences reinforce boundaries. When words alone are not effective, consequences can help communicate and enforce boundaries. These can range from minor actions to more significant steps like separation, depending on the severity of the boundary violation.

7. Emotional and physical distance can be necessary boundary tools

Sometimes, when all else fails, people must get away from each other until the hurt can stop.

Emotional distance protects the heart. In situations where trust has been broken or hurt is ongoing, creating emotional distance can provide time for healing and rebuilding trust. This is not about punishment, but about protecting oneself from further harm.

Physical distance provides perspective. Temporary physical separation can offer time to think, heal, and learn new patterns of interaction. This can range from taking a brief break during an argument to more extended periods of separation in severe cases.

Distance should serve a purpose. The goal of creating distance should always be to work towards healing and reconciliation, not to punish or seek revenge. It's important to examine one's motives when establishing these boundaries.

8. Boundaries serve love, not selfishness

We hope that when you take control of yourself, you will love better and more purposefully and intentionally so that you and your spouse can have the intimacy you desire.

Boundaries enable genuine love. By establishing healthy boundaries, individuals create an environment where love can flourish freely and intentionally. This leads to deeper intimacy and more fulfilling relationships.

Self-care is not selfish. Taking care of oneself and establishing boundaries is an act of stewardship, not selfishness. It allows individuals to be healthier and more capable of loving others effectively.

Boundaries foster mutual growth. When both partners respect each other's boundaries, it creates a cycle of growth, freedom, and deeper love. This mutual respect and support lead to stronger, more resilient relationships.

Last updated: November 11, 2024