Self-Reg

1. Reframing Behavior: Seeing Stress, Not Misconduct

Self-Reg starts by reframing a child’s behavior and, for that matter, our own.

Shifting Perspective. Self-Reg begins with a fundamental shift in how we perceive behavior. Instead of automatically labeling actions as "good" or "bad," "misbehavior" or "attention-seeking," we learn to see them as signals of a child's stress level. This reframing opens the door to understanding the underlying causes of behavior and responding with empathy and support.

Understanding the "Why." The key question becomes, "Why now?" What stressors are contributing to this behavior in this moment? This approach encourages curiosity and investigation rather than immediate judgment or punishment. It acknowledges that behavior is often a reflection of a child's ability to cope with their environment, not a deliberate choice to be difficult.

Benefits of Reframing. By reframing behavior, we create opportunities for connection and teaching. We move away from punitive responses that can exacerbate stress and towards supportive strategies that help children develop self-awareness and self-regulation skills. This shift fosters a more positive and understanding relationship between parent and child.

2. The Five Domains: A Holistic View of Stress

Self-Reg is based on five developmental domains: physical, cognitive, social, emotional, and prosocial.

Interconnected Systems. Self-Reg utilizes a five-domain model to understand the various sources of stress affecting a child. These domains—biological, emotional, cognitive, social, and prosocial—are interconnected and influence one another. Addressing stress in one domain can have a ripple effect, positively impacting the others.

The Five Domains:

• Biological: Physical health, sensory sensitivities, sleep, nutrition, and exercise.
• Emotional: Feelings, emotional regulation, and emotional expression.
• Cognitive: Attention, learning, memory, and information processing.
• Social: Relationships, social cues, and social interactions.
• Prosocial: Empathy, compassion, and moral reasoning.

Holistic Approach. By considering all five domains, we gain a more complete picture of a child's stress load and can develop targeted strategies to reduce it. This holistic approach recognizes that behavior is complex and influenced by a multitude of factors, not just individual choices or character traits.

3. The Interbrain: Relationships as Regulators

It is only by being regulated that a child develops the ability to self-regulate.

Brain-to-Brain Connection. The interbrain refers to the intuitive, shared channel of communication between caregiver and child. This connection, established through touch, gaze, voice, and shared emotion, allows the caregiver to act as an external regulator for the child's arousal states.

Co-Regulation. Through the interbrain, caregivers can help children up-regulate when they are listless or down-regulate when they are hyperaroused. This process of co-regulation is essential for developing a child's capacity for self-regulation. It involves reading the child's cues and responding in ways that promote calm, alertness, and engagement.

Building Secure Attachment. Secure attachment is built through consistent and responsive caregiving, which fosters a sense of safety and security. This secure base allows children to explore their world, take risks, and develop resilience in the face of stress. The interbrain serves as a conduit for this secure attachment, providing a lasting tether between parent and child.

4. Biological Balance: The Foundation of Self-Reg

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) regulates transitions between arousal states, from being sound asleep, our lowest state of arousal, to the highest, full-out flooded state, which you see in a child having a temper tantrum.

Energy and Tension. The biological domain encompasses the nervous system and physiological processes that govern energy expenditure and restoration. Maintaining a balance between energy-in and energy-out is crucial for self-regulation. Stressors in this domain include inadequate sleep, poor nutrition, lack of exercise, and sensory sensitivities.

Recognizing Biological Stress. Signs of stress in the biological domain can manifest as low energy, hyperactivity, difficulty transitioning between activities, chronic aches, and sensory overwhelm. Addressing these biological stressors is essential for creating a foundation for self-regulation.

Strategies for Biological Balance. Promoting healthy sleep habits, providing nutritious meals, encouraging physical activity, and minimizing exposure to sensory triggers can all contribute to a child's biological balance. These strategies help to calm the nervous system and create a more resilient foundation for managing stress.

5. Emotional Awareness: Navigating the Inner World

Self-Reg sees “problematic” behaviors as invaluable signs of when a child is overstressed.

Understanding Emotions. The emotion domain focuses on understanding and managing feelings. Children need to develop the language to express their emotions effectively and learn what to do when emotions become overwhelming. Temperament plays a significant role in how children experience and respond to emotions.

Emotional Stressors. Stressors in the emotional domain include intense emotions, new or confusing emotions, and emotional entanglements. Helping children navigate these stressors requires empathy, patience, and a willingness to validate their feelings.

Building Emotional Resilience. By creating a safe space for children to explore their emotions, we can help them develop emotional resilience. This involves teaching them coping strategies, such as deep breathing, mindfulness, and positive self-talk, to manage difficult emotions and build a positive emotional bias.

6. Cognitive Clarity: Attention and Learning

Good thinking requires good attention.

Thinking and Learning. The cognitive domain encompasses mental processes such as memory, attention, information processing, reasoning, and problem-solving. Optimal self-regulation in this domain means being able to ignore distractions, sustain attention, shift focus when necessary, and plan and execute steps to achieve a goal.

Cognitive Stressors. Cognitive stressors include limited awareness of internal and external stimuli, sensory information that is difficult to process, too much information, information presented too quickly or slowly, and abstract concepts that are not yet mastered.

Strategies for Cognitive Clarity. Reducing cognitive stressors involves creating a calm and organized learning environment, presenting information in a clear and concise manner, breaking down tasks into smaller steps, and providing opportunities for reflection and self-awareness. These strategies help to improve attention, enhance learning, and promote cognitive clarity.

7. Social Savvy: Connecting with Others

The autonomic nervous system (ANS) regulates transitions between arousal states, from being sound asleep, our lowest state of arousal, to the highest, full-out flooded state, which you see in a child having a temper tantrum.

Adapting to Social Situations. The social domain focuses on adapting behavior and thinking appropriately in social situations. This includes social intelligence, relationship skills, and the ability to develop and use socially acceptable behaviors.

Social Stressors. Stressors in the social domain include confusing or demanding social situations, interpersonal conflicts, being the victim of or witnessing acts of aggression, and misunderstandings that result from not understanding the impact of one's actions on others.

Building Social Skills. Helping children navigate the social domain involves teaching them how to pick up on social cues, understand those cues, respond appropriately, take turns in conversation, repair communication breakdowns, and understand how emotions affect other people's behavior. These skills promote positive social interactions and reduce social stress.

8. Prosocial Growth: Empathy and the "Better Self"

Self-control is about inhibiting impulses; self-regulation is about identifying the causes and reducing the intensity of impulses and, when necessary, having the energy to resist.

Empathy and Selflessness. The prosocial domain encompasses qualities of empathy, selflessness, internal standards and values, collective engagement and behavior, and social responsibility. It's about putting the needs of others or a higher purpose ahead of one's own.

Prosocial Stressors. Stressors in this domain include having to deal with other people's strong emotions, being asked to put the needs of others ahead of one's own, tension between personal and peer values, moral ambiguity, and guilt.

Cultivating the "Better Self." Fostering prosocial growth involves helping children develop empathy, compassion, and a sense of social responsibility. This can be achieved through modeling prosocial behavior, providing opportunities for service and volunteerism, and encouraging reflection on ethical dilemmas.

9. Adolescence: A Time of Unique Challenges

There isn’t a parent reading this book who hasn’t, at some time in their child’s life, been in exactly the same place.

Biological and Social Transformation. Adolescence is a period of significant biological and social transformation. The brain undergoes a major overhaul, and hormonal changes can lead to increased emotional intensity and impulsivity. Teens also face new social pressures and expectations as they navigate the transition from childhood to adulthood.

Heightened Sensitivity to Stress. Adolescents are particularly sensitive to stress, and their ability to regulate their emotions and behavior can be easily overwhelmed. This can lead to a range of challenges, including mood problems, anxiety, risky behavior, and substance abuse.

Supporting Teens Through Self-Reg. Self-Reg can be a valuable tool for helping teens navigate the challenges of adolescence. By teaching them how to recognize their stressors, reduce their stress load, and develop self-regulating strategies, we can empower them to thrive during this transformative period.

10. The Reward System: Desire, Dopamine, and Boredom

Self-control is about inhibiting impulses; self-regulation is about identifying the causes and reducing the intensity of impulses and, when necessary, having the energy to resist.

The Biology of Desire. The reward system, driven by dopamine and opioids, plays a significant role in shaping our desires and behaviors. Superstimulants, such as junk food and video games, can hijack this system, leading to cravings and addictive behaviors.

The Cycle of Boredom. Overstimulation can lead to boredom, which is often a sign of an overtaxed nervous system. The brain seeks more intense stimulation to escape this state, creating a cycle of craving and dissatisfaction.

Strategies for Taming the Beast. To tame the reward system, we need to help children become aware of their cravings, understand the underlying causes, and develop alternative strategies for managing their stress and satisfying their needs. This involves promoting healthy habits, such as exercise, mindfulness, and social connection, that provide sustainable sources of reward.

11. Parents Under Pressure: Self-Care is Essential

Self-Reg starts with how well we can identify and reduce our own stressors and how well we can stay calm and attentive when we’re interacting with a child.

Extraordinary Demands. Parents today face extraordinary pressures, including the demands of socializing their children, managing their own anxieties, navigating competitive parenting environments, and protecting their children from superstimulants. These pressures can take a toll on their own well-being and ability to self-regulate.

The Importance of Self-Care. Self-care is not selfish; it is essential for effective parenting. Parents need to prioritize their own physical, emotional, and cognitive needs in order to be able to support their children. This includes getting enough sleep, eating nutritious food, exercising regularly, and engaging in activities that bring them joy.

Breaking the Cycle. By practicing Self-Reg themselves, parents can model healthy coping strategies for their children and create a more supportive and nurturing home environment. This involves recognizing their own stressors, reducing their stress load, and developing self-regulating strategies that enable them to stay calm, attentive, and engaged with their children.

Last updated: April 10, 2025