Key Takeaways
1. Sexual Intelligence: The Key to Satisfying Sex
Sexual Intelligence = Information + Emotional Skills + Body Awareness
What is Sexual Intelligence? It's the set of internal resources that allows you to relax, be present, communicate, respond to stimulation, and create physical and emotional connection with a partner. Sexual Intelligence helps you focus on pleasure and closeness rather than performance. It involves knowing accurate information about sex, having emotional skills to navigate relationships, and being comfortable with your body.
Why it matters: Most people's dissatisfaction with sex stems from unrealistic expectations, anxiety about performance, and lack of communication. Sexual Intelligence gives you the tools to create more enjoyable, intimate sexual experiences regardless of physical limitations or changes. It allows you to adapt your sexuality as you age and face health challenges.
2. Redefining "Normal" Sex and Letting Go of Performance Anxiety
Attempting to resolve emotional issues around sex by trying to have amazing sex is like attempting to resolve the emotional needs we bring to athletics by trying to be an amazing athlete.
Forget about being "normal." There is no universal standard of normal sex. Trying to fit an arbitrary ideal creates anxiety and prevents you from enjoying your authentic sexuality. Let go of rigid definitions of what counts as "real" sex or what activities are superior.
Focus on enjoyment, not performance. Constantly monitoring your sexual performance erodes pleasure and ironically makes it harder to function well sexually. Instead of trying to live up to some standard, pay attention to what feels good and brings you closer to your partner. Sexual satisfaction comes from being present and connected, not from perfect functioning.
Common performance anxieties to let go of:
- Worrying about erections, lubrication, or orgasms
- Feeling pressure to last a certain amount of time
- Comparing yourself to porn or cultural ideals
- Obsessing over body image during sex
3. The Three Components of Sexual Intelligence
The three components of Sexual Intelligence are: 1. Information and knowledge 2. Emotional skills (which let you use that knowledge) 3. Body awareness and comfort (which let you express yourself and your knowledge)
Accurate information about sexual anatomy, response, health, and diversity helps you make good decisions. Learn the facts about how bodies work and let go of myths.
Emotional skills like self-acceptance, trust, communication, and maturity allow you to create satisfying relationships and navigate challenges. Work on personal growth.
Body awareness and comfort means knowing your body's responses and feeling at ease expressing yourself sexually. Pay attention to sensations and learn to stay present.
4. Communicating Effectively About Sex
A sexual vocabulary is part of Sexual Intelligence, and is absolutely essential for enjoyable sex.
Why communication matters: Good sexual communication allows you to express desires, set boundaries, give feedback, and create intimacy. Many people struggle to talk about sex due to embarrassment or lack of vocabulary.
How to communicate better:
- Use proper terms for body parts and activities
- Express preferences positively ("I like when you..." vs. "Don't do...")
- Give specific, constructive feedback
- Ask questions to understand your partner's experience
- Discuss sex outside the bedroom too
- Use "I" statements to own your feelings
- Listen without judgment
Common pitfalls to avoid:
- Criticizing or blaming
- Making assumptions about your partner's motivations
- Avoiding difficult topics
- Using vague euphemisms instead of clear language
5. Embracing Your Body and Accepting Change
There isn't any part of your body that can't be erotically charged.
Your whole body is sexual. Let go of the idea of specific "erogenous zones." Any part of your body can be a source of pleasure and connection. Explore different sensations beyond just genitals.
Accept and appreciate your body as it is. Many people struggle with poor body image, especially as they age. But constantly criticizing your appearance makes it hard to relax and enjoy sex. Choose to focus on how your body feels rather than how it looks.
Redefine "sexy" on your own terms. Cultural ideals of sexiness are arbitrary and often unrealistic. Decide for yourself what makes you feel sexy and desirable. This might include traits like confidence, playfulness, or emotional intimacy.
6. Overcoming Health and Aging Challenges in Sex
Sexual Intelligence gives you the tools and motivation to shift your sexuality as you get older to accommodate this contrast.
Common changes with aging:
- Slower arousal response
- Changes in lubrication and erections
- Decreased genital sensitivity
- Longer refractory period
- Shifts in hormones and libido
Adapting to changes:
- Focus on whole-body pleasure, not just genitals
- Use lubricants and sex toys as needed
- Communicate about new sensitivities or preferences
- Explore non-penetrative sexual activities
- Adjust positions for comfort and mobility
- Address health issues with your doctor
Maintaining a positive attitude: While bodies change with age, desire for intimacy and capacity for pleasure often remain stable. By letting go of rigid expectations and embracing new possibilities, you can continue to have a fulfilling sex life as you age.
7. Creating Sex That Can't Fail: A New Approach
Ultimately, the Sexual Intelligence approach results in you owning sex, rather than serving it; you end up being free to create (and enjoy) sex, rather than being enslaved by the need to fulfill a cultural model of sexual adequacy.
Shift your mindset: Instead of seeing sex as a performance with the potential for failure, approach it as a collaborative, exploratory experience. There's no right or wrong way to have sex as long as it's consensual and enjoyable for those involved.
Focus on the journey, not the destination: Let go of goal-oriented thinking (e.g. must have intercourse, must orgasm). Enjoy each moment of connection and sensation for what it is.
Practical tips for no-fail sex:
- Take time to transition into a sexual mood
- Communicate desires and boundaries clearly
- Stay present and attentive to sensations
- Be willing to adapt plans if energy or arousal shifts
- Express appreciation for your partner
- Approach surprises with curiosity, not disappointment
- Remember that any consensual, pleasurable activity "counts" as sex
By embracing Sexual Intelligence and letting go of performance pressure, you free yourself to create genuinely satisfying sexual experiences that reflect your authentic desires and values.
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FAQ
What's "Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex" about?
- Exploration of Sexuality: The book delves into the complexities of human sexuality, focusing on what people truly want from sex and how they can achieve it.
- Components of Sexual Intelligence: It introduces the concept of Sexual Intelligence, which combines information, emotional skills, and body awareness to enhance sexual experiences.
- Challenging Norms: The author, Marty Klein, challenges conventional ideas about "normal" sex and encourages readers to redefine their sexual expectations and experiences.
- Practical Advice: The book offers practical advice for improving sexual satisfaction, addressing common obstacles, and fostering intimacy in relationships.
Why should I read "Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex"?
- Gain Insight: The book provides deep insights into the psychological and emotional aspects of sexuality, helping readers understand their desires and challenges.
- Improve Relationships: It offers strategies to enhance intimacy and communication with partners, which can lead to more fulfilling relationships.
- Challenge Misconceptions: Readers are encouraged to question societal norms and personal beliefs about sex, leading to a more authentic and satisfying sexual life.
- Expert Guidance: Written by a certified sex therapist, the book combines professional expertise with real-life examples to offer practical solutions.
What are the key takeaways of "Sexual Intelligence: What We Really Want from Sex"?
- Sexual Intelligence Defined: Sexual Intelligence is the combination of information, emotional skills, and body awareness that allows individuals to enjoy sex more fully.
- Letting Go of Norms: The book emphasizes the importance of letting go of societal norms and personal anxieties about "normal" sex to achieve true satisfaction.
- Communication is Crucial: Effective communication with partners is essential for creating intimacy and understanding each other's needs and desires.
- Adaptability and Growth: Readers are encouraged to adapt their sexual practices as they age and face health challenges, focusing on enjoyment rather than performance.
How does Marty Klein define Sexual Intelligence?
- Three Components: Sexual Intelligence consists of information and knowledge, emotional skills, and body awareness and comfort.
- Perspective Shift: It involves changing one's perspective on sex to focus on personal satisfaction and connection rather than societal standards.
- Adaptability: Sexual Intelligence allows individuals to adapt to changes in their bodies and relationships over time.
- Authentic Expression: It encourages authentic sexual expression that reflects one's true desires and experiences.
What advice does Marty Klein give for overcoming sexual obstacles?
- Identify and Communicate: Identify personal and relational obstacles to sexual satisfaction and communicate openly with partners about them.
- Redefine Success: Shift focus from performance and "success" to personal enjoyment and connection during sexual experiences.
- Challenge Assumptions: Question and challenge assumptions about what is considered "normal" or "successful" sex.
- Embrace Change: Be open to changing sexual practices and expectations as life circumstances and bodies change.
How does "Sexual Intelligence" address the concept of "normal" sex?
- Critique of Normality: The book critiques the societal obsession with "normal" sex, arguing that it often leads to dissatisfaction and anxiety.
- Personal Definitions: Readers are encouraged to define what is normal for themselves, based on personal desires and experiences.
- Diversity of Experience: It highlights the diversity of human sexual experiences and the importance of embracing this diversity.
- Freedom from Judgment: Letting go of the need to conform to societal norms can lead to greater sexual freedom and satisfaction.
What role does communication play in "Sexual Intelligence"?
- Foundation of Intimacy: Communication is presented as the foundation of intimacy and a key component of Sexual Intelligence.
- Overcoming Barriers: Effective communication helps overcome barriers to sexual satisfaction, such as misunderstandings and unmet needs.
- Practical Tips: The book offers practical tips for improving communication about sex, both in and out of the bedroom.
- Building Trust: Open communication builds trust and understanding between partners, enhancing the overall relationship.
How does "Sexual Intelligence" suggest dealing with aging and health challenges?
- Adaptation and Acceptance: The book encourages adapting sexual practices to accommodate changes in health and aging, focusing on enjoyment rather than performance.
- Redefining Sexuality: It suggests redefining what is considered sexy and desirable as bodies and circumstances change.
- Open Dialogue: Maintaining an open dialogue with partners about health-related sexual challenges is crucial for continued intimacy.
- Embracing Change: Embracing change and letting go of past expectations can lead to a more fulfilling sexual life in later years.
What are some practical exercises or techniques mentioned in "Sexual Intelligence"?
- Hand Massage Exercise: The book includes a hand massage exercise to improve physical attunement and communication between partners.
- Focus on Sensation: Techniques for focusing on physical sensations during sex to enhance enjoyment and presence.
- Communication Strategies: Practical strategies for discussing sexual preferences and boundaries with partners.
- Mindfulness Practices: Encourages mindfulness practices to help individuals stay present and connected during sexual experiences.
What are the best quotes from "Sexual Intelligence" and what do they mean?
- "Sexual Intelligence is what gets you from adolescent sex to adult sex." This quote emphasizes the transition from hormone-driven, performance-focused sex to a more mature, satisfying experience.
- "We can have sex without it, of course, but it won’t necessarily reflect who we are." This highlights the importance of aligning sexual experiences with personal identity and authenticity.
- "Sex isn’t just an activity—it’s an idea." This suggests that our perceptions and beliefs about sex significantly impact our experiences and satisfaction.
- "Let’s make sure your body is responding to what’s present during sex, rather than having semi-traumatized reactions to old aggravating or painful experiences." This encourages readers to focus on the present moment and let go of past negative experiences.
How does "Sexual Intelligence" redefine the concept of sexual success?
- Beyond Performance: The book redefines sexual success as personal satisfaction and connection rather than achieving specific physical outcomes.
- Focus on Enjoyment: Success is measured by the enjoyment and intimacy experienced during sex, not by meeting external standards.
- Eliminating Failure: By removing the pressure to perform, individuals can eliminate the concept of failure from their sexual experiences.
- Personal Definitions: Readers are encouraged to create their own definitions of success based on their unique desires and relationships.
How can "Sexual Intelligence" help improve my relationship?
- Enhancing Intimacy: The book provides tools and insights to enhance intimacy and connection with your partner.
- Improving Communication: It offers practical advice for improving communication about sexual needs and preferences.
- Building Trust: By fostering open dialogue and understanding, the book helps build trust and strengthen relationships.
- Adapting to Change: It encourages couples to adapt to changes in their relationship and sexual dynamics, promoting long-term satisfaction.
Review Summary
Sexual Intelligence receives mixed reviews, with an average rating of 3.93/5. Many readers find it insightful, practical, and humorous, appreciating its focus on redefining sex and communication. The book challenges societal norms and encourages self-acceptance, particularly regarding aging and body changes. Some criticize it for being rudimentary or repetitive, while others praise its frank discussions and paradigm-shifting ideas. Readers generally recommend it for couples and individuals seeking to improve their sexual relationships and understanding of sexuality.
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