Sexual Intelligence

1. Sexual Intelligence: The Key to Satisfying Sex

Sexual Intelligence = Information + Emotional Skills + Body Awareness

What is Sexual Intelligence? It's the set of internal resources that allows you to relax, be present, communicate, respond to stimulation, and create physical and emotional connection with a partner. Sexual Intelligence helps you focus on pleasure and closeness rather than performance. It involves knowing accurate information about sex, having emotional skills to navigate relationships, and being comfortable with your body.

Why it matters: Most people's dissatisfaction with sex stems from unrealistic expectations, anxiety about performance, and lack of communication. Sexual Intelligence gives you the tools to create more enjoyable, intimate sexual experiences regardless of physical limitations or changes. It allows you to adapt your sexuality as you age and face health challenges.

2. Redefining "Normal" Sex and Letting Go of Performance Anxiety

Attempting to resolve emotional issues around sex by trying to have amazing sex is like attempting to resolve the emotional needs we bring to athletics by trying to be an amazing athlete.

Forget about being "normal." There is no universal standard of normal sex. Trying to fit an arbitrary ideal creates anxiety and prevents you from enjoying your authentic sexuality. Let go of rigid definitions of what counts as "real" sex or what activities are superior.

Focus on enjoyment, not performance. Constantly monitoring your sexual performance erodes pleasure and ironically makes it harder to function well sexually. Instead of trying to live up to some standard, pay attention to what feels good and brings you closer to your partner. Sexual satisfaction comes from being present and connected, not from perfect functioning.

Common performance anxieties to let go of:

• Worrying about erections, lubrication, or orgasms
• Feeling pressure to last a certain amount of time
• Comparing yourself to porn or cultural ideals
• Obsessing over body image during sex

3. The Three Components of Sexual Intelligence

The three components of Sexual Intelligence are: 1. Information and knowledge 2. Emotional skills (which let you use that knowledge) 3. Body awareness and comfort (which let you express yourself and your knowledge)

Accurate information about sexual anatomy, response, health, and diversity helps you make good decisions. Learn the facts about how bodies work and let go of myths.

Emotional skills like self-acceptance, trust, communication, and maturity allow you to create satisfying relationships and navigate challenges. Work on personal growth.

Body awareness and comfort means knowing your body's responses and feeling at ease expressing yourself sexually. Pay attention to sensations and learn to stay present.

4. Communicating Effectively About Sex

A sexual vocabulary is part of Sexual Intelligence, and is absolutely essential for enjoyable sex.

Why communication matters: Good sexual communication allows you to express desires, set boundaries, give feedback, and create intimacy. Many people struggle to talk about sex due to embarrassment or lack of vocabulary.

How to communicate better:

• Use proper terms for body parts and activities
• Express preferences positively ("I like when you..." vs. "Don't do...")
• Give specific, constructive feedback
• Ask questions to understand your partner's experience
• Discuss sex outside the bedroom too
• Use "I" statements to own your feelings
• Listen without judgment

Common pitfalls to avoid:

• Criticizing or blaming
• Making assumptions about your partner's motivations
• Avoiding difficult topics
• Using vague euphemisms instead of clear language

5. Embracing Your Body and Accepting Change

There isn't any part of your body that can't be erotically charged.

Your whole body is sexual. Let go of the idea of specific "erogenous zones." Any part of your body can be a source of pleasure and connection. Explore different sensations beyond just genitals.

Accept and appreciate your body as it is. Many people struggle with poor body image, especially as they age. But constantly criticizing your appearance makes it hard to relax and enjoy sex. Choose to focus on how your body feels rather than how it looks.

Redefine "sexy" on your own terms. Cultural ideals of sexiness are arbitrary and often unrealistic. Decide for yourself what makes you feel sexy and desirable. This might include traits like confidence, playfulness, or emotional intimacy.

6. Overcoming Health and Aging Challenges in Sex

Sexual Intelligence gives you the tools and motivation to shift your sexuality as you get older to accommodate this contrast.

Common changes with aging:

• Slower arousal response
• Changes in lubrication and erections
• Decreased genital sensitivity
• Longer refractory period
• Shifts in hormones and libido

Adapting to changes:

• Focus on whole-body pleasure, not just genitals
• Use lubricants and sex toys as needed
• Communicate about new sensitivities or preferences
• Explore non-penetrative sexual activities
• Adjust positions for comfort and mobility
• Address health issues with your doctor

Maintaining a positive attitude: While bodies change with age, desire for intimacy and capacity for pleasure often remain stable. By letting go of rigid expectations and embracing new possibilities, you can continue to have a fulfilling sex life as you age.

7. Creating Sex That Can't Fail: A New Approach

Ultimately, the Sexual Intelligence approach results in you owning sex, rather than serving it; you end up being free to create (and enjoy) sex, rather than being enslaved by the need to fulfill a cultural model of sexual adequacy.

Shift your mindset: Instead of seeing sex as a performance with the potential for failure, approach it as a collaborative, exploratory experience. There's no right or wrong way to have sex as long as it's consensual and enjoyable for those involved.

Focus on the journey, not the destination: Let go of goal-oriented thinking (e.g. must have intercourse, must orgasm). Enjoy each moment of connection and sensation for what it is.

Practical tips for no-fail sex:

• Take time to transition into a sexual mood
• Communicate desires and boundaries clearly
• Stay present and attentive to sensations
• Be willing to adapt plans if energy or arousal shifts
• Express appreciation for your partner
• Approach surprises with curiosity, not disappointment
• Remember that any consensual, pleasurable activity "counts" as sex

By embracing Sexual Intelligence and letting go of performance pressure, you free yourself to create genuinely satisfying sexual experiences that reflect your authentic desires and values.

Last updated: November 16, 2024