Key Takeaways
1. The Importance of Female Orgasm: Prioritize Her Pleasure
"She Comes First offers men and women a surefire "bird in the hand" approach to good sex, as opposed to the high-stakes "all or nothing" proposition of intercourse."
Shift in paradigm. The book advocates for a fundamental change in approach to sexual intimacy, emphasizing the importance of female satisfaction. This shift is not just about equality, but about enhancing the overall sexual experience for both partners.
Benefits of prioritizing her pleasure:
- Increased sexual satisfaction for both partners
- Improved communication and intimacy
- Reduced performance anxiety for men
- Enhanced overall relationship quality
By focusing on her orgasm first, couples can create a more relaxed, enjoyable, and mutually satisfying sexual experience.
2. Understanding Female Anatomy: The Clitoral Network
"The clitoris has over eighteen parts, both visible and hidden, that participate in the production of pleasure."
Comprehensive anatomy lesson. The book provides a detailed exploration of female genital anatomy, emphasizing that the clitoris is far more than just a small, visible nub. Understanding this complex network is crucial for providing effective stimulation.
Key components of the clitoral network:
- Glans (visible head)
- Shaft
- Crura (legs)
- Bulbs
- Vestibular bulbs
- Urethral sponge (G-spot)
This knowledge allows for a more holistic approach to stimulation, targeting multiple areas simultaneously for maximum pleasure.
3. The Art of Foreplay: Building Anticipation and Arousal
"Anticipation: Create a strong sense of expectation. A little goes a long way: a hot, hushed phone call from work, a furtive whisper over dinner, a glancing touch on the nape of the neck."
Importance of mental arousal. Foreplay is not just about physical stimulation; it's about creating an atmosphere of desire and anticipation. This mental arousal is crucial for women's sexual response.
Effective foreplay techniques:
- Sensual touches and caresses
- Passionate kissing
- Verbal expressions of desire
- Creating a relaxing environment
- Gradually building intensity
Foreplay should be seen as an essential part of the sexual experience, not just a prelude to intercourse.
4. Mastering Oral Techniques: A Step-by-Step Guide
"Cunnilingus is all about the balance between movement and stillness, the counterpoint of action and reaction."
Rhythm and variation. The book provides a comprehensive guide to oral sex techniques, emphasizing the importance of alternating between different types of stimulation. This variety prevents desensitization and builds arousal.
Key techniques:
- Gentle, broad tongue strokes
- Focused clitoral stimulation
- Sucking and nibbling
- Use of fingers for internal stimulation
- Varying pressure and speed
The goal is to create a symphony of sensations, gradually building towards orgasm while remaining attentive to her responses.
5. Communication and Feedback: Keys to Sexual Satisfaction
"Keep all channels open throughout the process, verbal and physical; maintain a persistent feedback loop of stimulation and response."
Open dialogue. Effective communication is crucial for sexual satisfaction. This involves both verbal and non-verbal cues, before, during, and after sexual activity.
Ways to improve sexual communication:
- Discuss preferences and boundaries
- Provide guidance during intimate moments
- Express appreciation for what feels good
- Be open to feedback and adjust accordingly
- Regularly check in about sexual satisfaction
By fostering open communication, couples can continually improve their sexual experiences and deepen their intimacy.
6. Overcoming Common Challenges: From Anxiety to Hygiene
"Squeamishness regarding genital hygiene is the number one reservation that men level against cunnilingus, and is also a source of anxiety for women who worry that their partners may be wary."
Addressing concerns. The book tackles common issues that can hinder enjoyment of oral sex, providing practical solutions and reassurance.
Common challenges and solutions:
- Hygiene: Incorporate showering into foreplay
- Taste/smell: Understand natural variations; address medical issues if necessary
- Performance anxiety: Focus on pleasure, not goals
- Lack of experience: Practice and communicate openly
- Discomfort with receiving: Build trust and take it slow
By addressing these concerns openly, couples can overcome barriers to enjoyment and intimacy.
7. Beyond Orgasm: Nurturing Intimacy and Connection
"When she comes first, she comes forever."
Holistic approach to sex. While the book focuses on techniques for female orgasm, it ultimately advocates for a deeper, more connected sexual experience that goes beyond physical pleasure.
Ways to enhance intimacy:
- Practice mindfulness during sexual activities
- Express vulnerability and trust
- Engage in aftercare and cuddling
- Regularly express appreciation and affection
- Explore emotional as well as physical intimacy
By viewing sex as an expression of intimacy and connection, couples can create more fulfilling and lasting relationships.
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FAQ
What's "She Comes First" about?
- Focus on Cunnilingus: "She Comes First" by Ian Kerner is a guide that emphasizes the importance of cunnilingus in pleasuring a woman. It argues that oral sex should be a man's primary focus in sexual encounters.
- Philosophy of Sexual Contentment: The book presents cunnilingus as more than just a sexual act; it is a philosophy that prioritizes female pleasure and satisfaction.
- Educational Approach: Kerner provides a detailed exploration of female anatomy and sexual response, aiming to educate men on how to effectively lead women to orgasm.
- Personal Experience: The author shares his personal journey with sexual dysfunction and how mastering cunnilingus transformed his sexual relationships.
Why should I read "She Comes First"?
- Improve Sexual Skills: The book offers practical advice and techniques to enhance your ability to pleasure a woman, making it a valuable resource for anyone looking to improve their sexual skills.
- Understanding Female Anatomy: It provides a comprehensive understanding of female sexual anatomy, which is crucial for effective sexual stimulation.
- Empowerment and Confidence: By learning and applying the techniques, readers can gain confidence in their sexual abilities and improve their intimate relationships.
- Unique Perspective: Kerner's personal experiences and professional insights offer a unique perspective on the importance of prioritizing female pleasure.
What are the key takeaways of "She Comes First"?
- Prioritize Female Pleasure: The book emphasizes the importance of focusing on female pleasure and satisfaction in sexual encounters.
- Cunnilingus as Coreplay: Kerner introduces the concept of "coreplay," where cunnilingus is the central act of lovemaking, rather than just foreplay.
- Anatomy and Technique: Understanding female anatomy and mastering specific oral techniques are crucial for effectively leading a woman to orgasm.
- Communication and Patience: Effective communication and patience are essential components of a satisfying sexual experience for both partners.
What are the best quotes from "She Comes First" and what do they mean?
- "The tongue is mightier than the sword": This quote highlights the power of oral sex in providing pleasure, suggesting that cunnilingus can be more effective than penetrative sex.
- "She Comes First offers men and women a surefire 'bird in the hand' approach to good sex": This emphasizes the reliability of cunnilingus in ensuring female satisfaction compared to the unpredictability of intercourse.
- "When a marriage goes on the rocks, the rocks are there, right there!": This quote underscores the importance of sexual satisfaction in maintaining a healthy relationship.
- "To her according to your abilities, from you according to her needs": A play on the Communist Manifesto, this quote stresses the importance of focusing on the woman's needs and abilities in sexual encounters.
How does Ian Kerner suggest men approach cunnilingus?
- Respect and Patience: Kerner advises men to approach cunnilingus with respect and patience, taking the time to understand and respond to a woman's needs.
- Focus on Technique: He emphasizes the importance of mastering specific oral techniques and understanding female anatomy to effectively stimulate a woman.
- Communication is Key: Open communication with a partner about what feels good and what doesn't is crucial for a successful experience.
- Pleasure-Oriented Approach: Men should focus on providing pleasure rather than rushing to achieve orgasm, allowing the woman to enjoy the experience fully.
What is the "Cunnilinguist Manifesto" in "She Comes First"?
- Respect Female Arousal: The manifesto calls for respecting the female process of arousal and prioritizing her pleasure in sexual encounters.
- Postpone Male Gratification: It advocates for postponing male gratification until after the woman has achieved orgasm, ensuring her satisfaction.
- Know the Clitoris: Understanding and appreciating the clitoris in all its aspects is essential for effective cunnilingus.
- Pleasure-Oriented, Not Goal-Oriented: The focus should be on mutual pleasure and enjoyment rather than solely on achieving orgasm.
What are the "Three Assurances" in "She Comes First"?
- Enjoyment of Giving: Assure her that going down on her turns you on and that you enjoy it as much as she does.
- No Rush: Let her know there's no rush and that you want to savor every moment, giving her all the time she needs.
- Appreciation of Her Essence: Communicate that her scent is provocative and her taste is powerful, all emanating from the same beautiful essence.
How does "She Comes First" redefine the concept of foreplay?
- Coreplay, Not Foreplay: Kerner redefines cunnilingus as "coreplay," making it the central act of lovemaking rather than just a precursor to intercourse.
- Extended Stimulation: The book suggests extending activities typically associated with foreplay into complete acts of lovemaking.
- Focus on Clitoral Stimulation: Emphasizes the importance of focusing on clitoral stimulation throughout the sexual encounter.
- Mutual Pleasure: Encourages a model of sex that goes beyond penetration and embraces mutual pleasure and satisfaction.
What techniques does Ian Kerner recommend for effective cunnilingus?
- Establish Rhythm: Start with gentle, rhythmic tongue strokes to acclimate the clitoral head to stimulation.
- Use of Fingers: Incorporate fingers to stimulate the clitoral cluster and enhance the experience.
- Gum-Press Technique: Apply pressure with the gums or upper lip to the front commissure for added stimulation.
- Vary Tongue Strokes: Use a variety of tongue strokes, including vertical, horizontal, and diagonal, to maintain interest and build tension.
How does "She Comes First" address common male anxieties about cunnilingus?
- Focus on Education: The book educates men on female anatomy and sexual response, reducing anxiety through knowledge.
- Emphasize Enjoyment: Encourages men to focus on the enjoyment of giving pleasure rather than performance anxiety.
- Communication with Partner: Stresses the importance of open communication to understand and meet a partner's needs.
- Patience and Practice: Reassures men that patience and practice will lead to improved skills and confidence over time.
What role does communication play in "She Comes First"?
- Essential for Success: Communication is highlighted as a crucial element for a successful sexual experience.
- Feedback Loop: Encourages maintaining a persistent feedback loop of stimulation and response with a partner.
- Express Preferences: Partners should openly express what feels good and what doesn't to enhance mutual satisfaction.
- Builds Trust and Intimacy: Effective communication fosters trust and intimacy, leading to a more fulfilling sexual relationship.
How does "She Comes First" suggest handling the transition to intercourse?
- Seamless Transition: Ensure the transition from cunnilingus to intercourse is seamless to maintain the rhythm and tension built.
- Female Superior Position: Recommends the woman-on-top position for better control and stimulation of the clitoris.
- Coital Alignment Technique: Suggests using the Coital Alignment Technique (CAT) to improve the chances of orgasm through intercourse.
- Post-Orgasm Intercourse: Advises engaging in intercourse after she has experienced her first orgasm for increased likelihood of multiple orgasms.
Review Summary
She Comes First receives mostly positive reviews for its comprehensive guide to female sexual pleasure, focusing on cunnilingus. Readers appreciate its detailed anatomical information, practical techniques, and sex-positive approach. Many recommend it for both men and women to improve their understanding of female sexuality. Some criticize its narrow focus, overly clinical tone, and occasional outdated concepts. Overall, reviewers find it informative and potentially relationship-enhancing, though some suggest complementing it with other resources for a more well-rounded sexual education.
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